Disclaimer: I don't own "X-Men" or "How the Grinch Stole Christmas"
(A/N: Bear with me here. I just thought this up yesterday while we were watching "How the Grinch Stole Christmas" at school before the holiday season. I hope you enjoy this. I find it funny myself. Merry Christmas everyone! This is my gift to you!)
Dedicated to SoggySoul! Who's helped me with my problems with my lovesick heart...Word of the wise guys, never fall in love with a jock. No matter how cute he is, no matter how many interests he has with you, and I don't care if he drew you a fanart picture of Wolverine for your sweet sixteenth birthday party, don't fall in love with him because he will leave you for a friend of yours!...Not that he was mine to begin with...sorry, I have issues now...
Feline was smiling to herself evilly. Sitting by her friend, Electro, she waited patiently for Storm to start with the creative writing paper presentations. You see, it was almost Christmas and lately the students have been very excited. Even the teachers...well, except for a certain hairy dude who lives his days off of beer and cigars...and maybe even a little bit of fighting and anger managment sessions with the Professor. Yes, Wolverine was not liking the holly-jolly spirit of the mansion. Electro himself was not happy for what was about to happen in Storm's English Class. He was Feline's partner for this particular assignment, and he was regretting every minute of it since his friend came up with an idea.
It seems that Wolverine didn't exactly keep it a secret that he thought Christmas was annoying.
"Feline," he whispered. "I'm begging you. On my hands and knees. Don't do this! We'll get killed!"
"No we won't," Feline whispered back. "Wolverine doesn't even teach this class. He just subs,"
"Who cares? I want to live for Christmas! Don't do it!"
Feline narrowed her eyes at her childhood friend, and raised her hand.
"Hey-a Storm!" she said real loud.
The kids in the freshman high school English Class laughed at Feline's outburst. Even though Storm was a bit ticked, she couldn't help but smile. She could always count on the young Feline to get the class laughing.
"Yes Feline?" she asked.
"Yeah, uh, can me and Electro go first, please?" Feline asked with puppy dog eyes.
"...Well, since you were so polite in asking, yes you may,"
Electro groaned and hit his head on the desk in front of him.
"Yay!" he said sarcastically. "We're doomed!"
(A/N: Thank Miss SoggySoul for her obssesion with Invader Zim. GRR RULES!)
Feline dragged her electrifying friend to the front of the classroom, and cleared her throat as she held out her typed up English paper.
"Ahem," she coughed. "Our story is entitled 'How Wolverine Eliminated Christmas',"
"Someone please shoot me," Electro grumbled.
"Hush up. I'm beginning to read. You know what to do,"
Electro sighed again as Feline started reading.
Every mutant in Xavier's School for the Gifted liked Christmas a lot...But the Wolverine
Feline turned to her friend, who sighed again.
"Dun...Dun...Dun..." He said in his pathetic attempt to add a little sound effect to the story.
Feline glared, but continued anyway.
Who lived in the North
Hall of the School did not.
The Wolverine hated Christmas. The whole Christmas season!
No, please don't ask why. I don't know the reason.
"You know squat!" Eelectro said in a low voice.
"Shut up," Feline said. "That's not part of the story,"
It could be that Feline
kept asking to take the jet for a flight.
It could be that his boots were put on too tight
But I think that the most true reason of all
May have been that his heart was 26 sizes too small.
But whatever the reason, the jet or the boots.
He stood there on Christmas Eve, hating the studes
"Studes?" Electro repeated.
"Yeah," Feline replied. "If I called the students studes, it would rhyme. But if I called them mutes, now that would be insulting. Besides it's Christmas,"
"...For us, not for long if we keep this up,"
"Electro, Feline," Storm said. "Please continue. You're holding up the class,"
"Sorry," the two friends replied.
Standing from the shadows
with a sour, Wolvie frown
At the warm hearted students in their pj's and nightgowns.
For he knew every mutant in the school
Thought Christmas was awesome and cool
"And their hanging their stockings," he growled with a swig of beer.
"Tomorrow is Christmas! It's practically here!"
Then he growled, with his fists nervously clenching.
"I must find a way to keep Christmas from coming!"
For tomorrow, he knew all the mutant girls and boys
Would wake bright and early. They'd rush for their toys!
And then! Oh the noise! Oh the noise! Noise! Noise! Noise!
That's what makes him tick see! The noise! Noise! Noise! Noise!
Then the mutants young and old would sit down to a feast
And they'd feast! And they'd feast!
And they'd feast! Feast--Oh, you get the idea my wonderful peeps.
"Peeps?" Electro asked.
"I'm not even going to argue with you on this," she said.
They would start with
Storm's pudding, and rare Roast Ham.
Which was something our hairy-side-bruned friend couldn't stand!
And then, they'd do something the Wolverine hates most of all.
Feline, Fox, and Fira, who were young, tall to small...not to mention good looking
"Oh geez," Electro groaned.
Would stand with the
school, with Christmas bells ringing.
They'd stand hand in hand, and the girls would start singing.
They'd sing and they'd sing
And they'd sing, sing--Oh what else do you think?
And the more the Wolverine thought of the girls who sing
The more Wolverine thought "I must stop this whole thing!
"Crap, for fifteen years I've put up with it now!
I must stop Christmas from coming...but how?...ow"
See? The Wolverine's head will hurt a lot, if he thinks a lot.
"Man," Electro said. "We'll hurt a lot if the Wolverine finds out,"
Then he got an idea, a
The Wolverine got a wonderful, but stupid idea!
"I know what I'm gonna do!" Wolverine laughed in his throat.
"I'll buy a stupid Santa Claus hat and a coat!"
And he chuckled and gruffed. "What a genius Wolverine trick
With this coat and hat, I'll look just like Fat Old St. Nick,"
Feline suddenly grinned, and started humming The Grinch Song. (A/N: Don't own that song)
"You're a mean one, Wolverine," she started singing randomly.
"Feline," Electro stopped her. "You're doing it again. You know, with the lips, and your voice...yeah. Just continue so we can go hide, and try to live while we can,"
"All I need is a
reindeer..." The Wolverine looked around
But since reindeer were in zoos, there was none to be found.
Did that stop the Wolverine?
Crap no! The Wolverine said
"If I can't find a reindeer, I'll get bribe some instead,"
So he called Electro, Feline and Fira and took some red thread,
And made them tie horns at the top of their heads.
"Oh come on," Electro said. "You're acting like we're the victims here in this story!"
"We are the victims if you think about it!" Feline growled.
"...Point taken. Please continue,"
"Why are we doing
this again?" Fira inquired.
"Cause Wolverine's bribing us," Feline said. "Even though he's a liar,"
"We're all gonna die," Electro mummbled. "This is insane!
We help Wolverine, we're broken in half like minty candy canes!"
Then he took out some Wal-Mart bags
and put them in an old red sack
On an old red Radio Flyer
And he whistled for the little teenage do-righters
"You know Wolverine," Feline said. "Christmas isn't bad
You get presents, and candy, and mistletoe can be rad"
Wolverine glared and said "You say rad again in my presence
You're dead. Now make like Santa Claus and step away from my 'presents',"
Feline stopped, and looked at Electro
"Wow," she commented. "Four verses and you haven't said a word,"
"I'm just going over the things I need to do before I get shredded to pieces in my head," Electro said. "Finish you're stinking parody,"
And then Wolverine said
"Scatter you twerps!"
And the kids carried bags like Egyptian Slaves in teenage for
Towards the rooms of the kids
Who lay snorin in their dorms
All the rooms were dark, scented red candles filled the air
All the kids were dreaming without care
When he came to the first dorm with a vengence so dare.
"This is stop number one," the old Wolvie Claus hissed
And he snuck in the dorm, with bags in his fist.
Then he snuck in the dorm, which is a very stupid thing
But if Santa could do it, so could Wolverine
He stepped on a squeaky toy, for a moment or a few
Then ripped the toy up in pieces, or maybe in two
Then he saw the Christmas stockings, hanging in a row.
"These stockings," he said. "Are the first thing to go,"
And he slithered, and slunk with a smile that haunts me
And around the room, he took the presents with quick agility
Game Boys! X-Box's! My car keys! And Gum!
Bicycles! Board Games! Popcorn and Jack Sparrows Rum!
(A/N: Yeah, don't own "Pirates of the Caribbean" either)
And he stuffed them in
bags, and Wolverine, very quickly
Threw them out the dorm, one by one, very roughly.
Then he went to the kitchen, and took out the food cans
He took Storm's pudding. He took the Roast Ham!
He cleaned out the kitchen as quick as a flash
Why, that oversized bear took the last of my secret stash
Storm raised an eyebrow.
"A secret stash of what?" she said with folded arms.
"Oh," Feline replied. "Just a few cans of Dr. Pepper, and some gummi worms. The alchohol is Wolverine's,"
Then he piled the food on
his poor lackey's with unusual glee
"Now," growled the Wolverine. "I'll take out the tree"
And the Wolverine grabbed the tree, and shoved it out a lot.
When he heard a small sound like the purr of a fox
He turned around fast and saw my sister, the one who is cute
Little Sammy McMay, who was ten years than two
The Wolverine had been caught by his little sweet daughter
Who had got out of bed to get a cup of water
She started at the Wolverine and said. "Santa Claus, why?
Why are you taking our Christmas tree that took Feline, Fira, and Electro so long to decorate? Why?"
Electro turned to his friend and said. "Your sister's naive.
Is she that young still, or is it that she can't see
That Wolverine is Santa and eliminating Christmas?"
And Feline replied. "Shut up man. You're acting like a wuss,"
Hard to believe that Wolverine was so smart and so slick
He thought up a lie and though it up quick.
"Why, my sweet small munckin," the fake Santa Claus lied.
"Yeah, uh, the tree won't light on the other side.
So I'm taking it to that place where I live which isn't very near
I'll fix it up there, and I'll come back for beer,"
Sadly, this lie fooled my sister. Then he patted her head
Gave her a non-alcoholic drink, and sent her to bed
And when Sammy was warm and safe in bed
Wolverine stuffed the tree out on top of my Mercedes Benz
Then the last thing he took
Was the keys to the Blackbird
And stuffed them in the jet, the beer-swilling turd
And the things he left only were school books, and stuff I took from nerds
And the one speck of candy he left in the dorm
Was a crumb, that was too small for a worm
"...There are no worms in a dorms though," Electro said.
"I ran out of rhymes," Feline said. "Don't judge my lack of creativity,"
And the did the same thing
to the other mutants dorms
Leaving crumbs much took small for the other mutants worms
It was a quarter past five
All the kids still in bed
Electro was almost snoozing
When he packed up the jet
Packed it up with their presents! Their ribbons! My DVD's!
The tags! And the tinsel! The trimmings, and my TV!
Three thousand feet up. He flew up to Mt. Stupid
He flew to the tip-top to boot it
"Sucks for the kids!" he was wolf-ish-ly humming
"They're finding out now that now Christmas is coming!
They're waking up now, I know what is happening.
There mouths will hang open, and I'll be done rhyming
The students in school will all cry and start whining"
"That's a noise" grumbled Electro.
"That I don't wanna hear"
And Feline, Fira, and him went out to leave
Only to find they were still up three thousand feet
"Well this just stinks," Fira said dryly
"Where's Sammy when you need flying?"
And they sat on the floor with a pout
Trying to find a way to get themselves out.
And Wolverine paused. And he also put a hand to his ear.
And he did hear a sound rising in the sky
It started very low...and it started to fly
But the sound wasn't sad!
This sound was awesome!
It couldn't be so!
But it was awesome! Rock on!
The kids stared down at the school
With eyes popping with glee
Then they danced around stupidly.
What they saw made them feel free
Every mutant down at the school, the tall and the small
Were singing! Without any presents at all!
Wolverine didn't eliminate Christmas from coming!
It came! It came just the same!
And the Wolverine, glaring at his lackey's dancing to the Spongebob Squarepants Theme Song
Stood wondering and wondering: "What did I do wrong?
It came without ribbons! It came without Gum!
It came without packages, boxes, and Jack Sparrow's Rum!"
And he wondered three hours, till his head got sore
I told you his thinking head would hurt more and more
And the Wolverine thought of something he hadn't before.
"Maybe Christmas..." he thought. "...Doesn't come from a K-Mart store"
"Maybe Christmas, perhaps, means a little bit more,"
And what happened then?
Well...I forgot, but Electro knows!
He said that now at school they say
He said Wolvie's small heart Grew 27 sizes that day!
And the minute his heart didn't feel so tight
He flew back the load to make everything right
And he brought back the toys! And the food for the whole she-bam!
And he...he himself, the Wolverine carved the Roast Ham.
And if you're wondering what happened to us
Not much has changed cause Electro's still a wuss
He probably told everyone about my moments of crazy glee
And Wolverine's standing right behind us isn't he?
Some of the kids nervously nodded and pointed behind the two best friends. Electro and Feline looked at each other and gulped, and looked behind them. There was Wolverine glaring at them through puffs of his cigar.
"Electro..." Feline said.
"Yeah?" Electro asked nervously.
"Remember at the beginning when you said we're doomed?"
"We're doomed aren't we?"
"Yeah. We are...RUN!"
And the two friends ran out of the classroom with all the muscle they had in their legs. Storm looked at Wolverine.
"Logan, you're not gonna--" she said.
"I'm not gonna do nothin," Logan promised. "...But I know what they'll be doing come Christmas Eve,"
"And you have a wonderful Christmas little Sammy," Santa Claus said. "HO HO HO! Merry Christmas!"
Sammy jumped off Santa's leg, and went over to her sister Fira who was getting some punch. The whole mansion was having a Christmas Eve Party before it was time to go to bed. All the little kids were running around in their pajamas, and waiting in line to meet "Santa". It was actually Wolverine in a Santa suit and beard, and was getting paid in eggnog to do this job. Sammy looked around, and turned to her sister.
"Where's Feline and Electro?" she asked.
"Beats me," she said. "I mean, it's not like them to...Oh man, where's my camera?"
Fira started giggling, and pointed behind her sister. Sammy turned around and started laughing too. At the end of the room, there was Feline and Electro in elf costumes. They didn't look like very happy ones too.
"Wow," Fira said as they walked past them. "They must've ticked Wolverine off big time,"
Feline glared at her sister and she and Electro walked toward them
"Fira," she said. "You're my sister, I love you, but that gives me no reason to not scar you mentally for life if either you or Sammy bring this up for the rest of your lives,"
"Yeah!" Electro said.
"Hey," Fira said raising her punch glass. "Peace on Earth and Good Will to Men, sis,"
(A/N: Merry Christmas everyone!)