Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto, any part of Naruto or its characters. I only borrow them to make them do horribly silly things at no profit to myself. Please give Kishimoto your love, buy his works and support the anime and manga we all love.
Author's Note: This story is crack people. It is not meant to be completely serious, though I do try to make it readable. Also, this chapter was edited/rewritten on 12/2/08
by Lemon Drops/thatreevesgirl (both me)
Chapter 1: The Thrills of Underwear
It was a beautiful summer day in Konoha. The sun was shining brightly, but there was also a cool northern breeze swimming through the leaves of the tall oaks that surrounded the Fire Nation's most powerful ninja village. There hadn't been a lovelier day in a long, long time, so it would have been a shame to waste it sitting inside fawning over test tubes and vials. Days like these were meant to be spent outdoors with friends, or at least that was what Ino decided before she decided to drag her loudly protesting best friend to have a mid-afternoon picnic in the park.
Sakura had been very nearly forced out of her medical lab station and into daylight, and the sad thing was that not a single one of her medical subordinates had stopped Ino from taking her. "Dammit, I have a lot of work to get done," she bemoaned while nibbling on a small fruit pastry Ino had given her.
"And I have a lot of gossip to chat about. You haven't had the time to sit and have a decent conversation with me in nearly a month. Most of the good gossip is so old it is growing mold," Ino scolded as she waggled a disapproving finger in Sakura's face. "Take a little time to appreciate your friends, for goodness sake."
Sakura wasn't convinced by Ino's little speech, and that was apparent by the look on her face which clearly said she hadn't fallen for a word of Ino's guilt trip. "And what of the people who will die because I decided to sit and chat and gossip instead of finding antidotes to poisons? What should I tell them when I visit their graves?"
Ino didn't miss a beat. "You should tell them the latest gossip going around, and let them know that they are one of the privileged few who know it."
Sakura groaned as she shoved the rest of her peach tart into her mouth. "Oh, for heaven's sake, just get this over with then," she said as she was chewing. She didn't care if she was being rude. Perhaps if she could annoy Ino with her attitude she could get back to her antidote brewing faster.
Despite Sakura's lack of manners, Ino was more than happy to oblige her friend, even if Sakura was only being sarcastic. Sakura might have acted like she had better things to do, but the young medic was going to burn herself out if she didn't learn to relax. Not to mention, Sakura also forgot to eat and bathe regularly when she got involved in difficult projects like the one she was working on. Ino decided it was her duty to feed Sakura, tell her friend that she stunk to high heaven, and also entertain her with a little bit of the village's juiciest hidden secrets that were straight from the shinobi grapevine.
"Where should I start?" Ino pondered aloud to herself. She tapped her finger on her chin as she riffled through a hundred different topics in her head.
Sakura huffed and grabbed another tart. "Boys," she suggested. "They seem to capture your interest."
Ino laughed, "Ah yes, that they do." She gave Sakura a devilish smirk before deciding on a new juicy tidbit of info she'd only stumbled upon that very morning. "Did you know that Neji has a foot fetish?"
Sakura very nearly choked on her tart. She sputtered for a minute before dislodging it from her lungs. She drank down a cup of tea, but it didn't help much with the coughing. Ino patted her friend on the back and her smirk grew so wide that Sakura was almost scared of it.
"Are you okay there?" Ino asked. Her voice was silky like honey as she realized she had hit a very interesting nail on the head without even trying to. "Fetish talk gets you riled up, doesn't it?"
Sakura shot Ino an over-exaggerated, scathing glare. "Ino-pig, I don't care what wheels turn in your pretty, perverted mind, but I have better things to think about. I didn't need to know that Neji likes feet for more than walking or sparring, thank you very much."
Ino shrugged. Her mouth upturned, and her brows crinkled just a bit until she was giving Sakura a (fake) look of disinterest. She didn't want to press too hard, or Sakura really would banish this topic from this and all future conversations. "Ah, Sakura, you can't deny that men are only human. Women too. We all have things we like and things we don't."
"Like feet?" Sakura asked. One of her brows was arched so high that Ino almost laughed. Sakura always did like her sarcasm. "I don't need to know those kinds of things."
Ino couldn't hold back the tiny smile that threatened her lips. "Of course you do!" Ino exclaimed happily. The blonde leaned forward enthusiastically and waggled her eyebrows. "How else are you going to know what pleases a guy?
"Pleases a guy?" Sakura repeated. The brow which formerly arched high with skepticism was now twitching with annoyance. "Please tell me we didn't make the leap from fetishes to sex?"
"Not a big leap, Sakura. They kind of go hand in hand," Ino reminded her friend. "Besides, we all have a fetish of some kind. I happen to have a thing for those sexy little pelvic bones on a guy. I love it when they a man is cut enough for them to stand out."
"Hmm, doesn't sound like Shikamaru to me," Sakura said with a little laugh. Shikamaru was muscled, but he had been stuck with too much tactics and not enough active missions to keep himself that well sculpted.
"Oh shut-up, forehead. I don't want to talk about that idiot right now anyway, so just drop it." Ino's face turned from jovial to completely serious in an instant. Her tone left no room for arguments, so Sakura decided it was best to just drop it.
One of the few tidbits of gossip Sakura had actually heard while she was working so many hours of overtime was that Ino and Shikamaru were going through quite the rough patch in their relationship. Sakura could see how the mere mention of Shikamaru's name seemed to depress Ino. Sakura decided that she'd bring up the boyfriend topic again later, but for now she would humor Ino and go along with this odd conversation about fetishes.
"So you like sexy pelvises," Sakura said dryly.
"Most girls do," Ino replied with a weak smile. "You know, I can't be the only one here with a fetish."
Sakura's eyes grew wide. This turn in the conversation had startled her. She coughed and her eyes were drawn instinctively toward the ground. "Trust me, Ino, you are."
Ino didn't buy into Sakura's brand of bullshit. She didn't have to be a trained interrogator (which she was) to see that Sakura was lying. The medical kunoichi was blushing hard and she couldn't even look her friend in the eye. Sakura wasn't being truthful, and that hurt a little bit. If there was one thing Ino knew how to do well, it was how to play up her emotions. She'd have Sakura wrapped around her pinky very, very soon.
"Sakura?" Ino asked very quietly. She sniffed softly and let tears build up in the corners of her eyes. Ino knew that there were two kinds of people who were weak to her tears—men and Sakura. It was for different reasons, because Sakura could usually see right through them, but Ino was still prone to getting her way when she used them on her friend. "I am your best friend, right?"
Sakura looked up and saw the wide-eyed, tear-heavy look Ino was giving her. "Oh, geez Ino, of course you are." Ino let the first few tears fall, and as annoying as it was to the other kunoichi, a few people who were walking by in the park turned and looked at the girl whose voice was starting to get louder, and who was crying and sniffing for all she was worth. "If I'm your best friend (*sniff*) then why am I (*sob*) always the one giving to the friendship (*sniff-sob*)? You never want to give anything." Ino chose to end that by burying her face in her hands to cry.
"Ino, stop it!" Sakura threw a pastry at her friend's head.
"You don't want to be my friend anymore," Ino wailed. It was a perfect show for everyone but Sakura. Ino cried harder, and more people were starting to stare.
Sakura was torn. She could give in to her psychotically deviant friend, or she could let Ino continue to act out her dramatic weeping scene. It was a tough choice, but for the sake of her reputation (since she was already viewed as a hardass, ball-breaker by too many shinobi and civilians), she muttered her defeat. "Oh fine, you win. Stop crying."
Ino perked right up and stopped crying immediately. "Good. Now spill," the blonde said as she wiped the remnants of leftover tears from her eyes and cheeks.
"You are such a manipulator," Sakura protested. She hated when Ino did this. The only reason the blonde got away with it was because she was a woman and she used her girlish wiles to her advantage. Sakura waited until all the passerbyers had gone on their merry way. She didn't need anyone to overhear what she was about to tell Ino. "So you want to know what my fetish is?" Sakura asked Ino with a scathing glare.
"Yep. I know you must have something you like."
Sakura's face turned bright red as she leaned over and very quietly whispered, "Underwear."
Ino was taken aback by her friend's answer at first. Never had she imagined that Sakura liked such a thing. Sakura gave the appearance of being such a pristine little prude. The laughter seemed to hit all at once, full force as Ino began howling with laughter at Sakura's answer.
The threat didn't help. Ino kept chortling, even snorting a bit before regaining enough composure to respond to Sakura's ridiculous answer.
"Underwear? Your fetish is underwear?"
The crease on Sakura's bountifully blessed forehead deepened. It wasn't that funny, was it?
"So what, you get turned on by underwear?"
Sakura mused at the thought and pursed her lips together in thoughtful consideration, "Men in underwear, men lounging in boxer-briefs with smug looks upon their faces, men whose underwear are starting to look a bit too snug, men slipping spry fingers into the folds of thin, protective fabric…for Kami's sake, yes, I have a thing for underwear."
Ino smirked, "I have to admit, I haven't heard of a woman having that particular fetish before."
Sakura sighed, the world was far too unfair. Why couldn't she have an underwear fetish, while Naruto, Sai, Sasuke, or any other male ninja could fawn over her pretty, pink panties any day of the week, and no one thought they were strange. Damn the hypocrisy.
"I suppose you like the kinds with pretty pink bows and ribbons," Ino snickered.
Sakura made sure to give Ino the harshest glare she could manage. Sakura explained, growling every word through gritted teeth, "Boy underwear, you buffoon. You know, boxers, briefs, or preferably boxer-briefs."
"Boxer-briefs?" Ino asked curiously.
Sakura sighed, "It's the best of both worlds, tight, but not too snug or too short, and they're very sexy."
"So, boxer-briefs?" Ino asked. She was being half-serious. Part of her wanted to just lie back on the grass and laugh at the absurdity, but the other half of her was interested in knowing more about this strange kind of underwear she'd never heard of.
Sakura paused, then grumbled a sharp, "Yes, I definitely prefer boxer-briefs."
"Who have you seen in boxer-briefs? You've always been so dreadfully straitlaced. I assumed that you had never seen a nearly naked man"
Sakura felt like choking Ino, reaching the three feet to where her friend was sitting, and strangling the ever-loving life out of her. "Just because I like men in underwear, doesn't mean I've done…things. I'm a medic, and I've seen plenty of naked men. I'm also on a team with three, well four men, and you can't tell me you haven't seen Choji or Shikamaru in their underwear."
Ino giggled, "Yes, but I wasn't the one who mentioned something about half-hard men in her aforementioned fetish rant. I think that qualifies you to be bumped from prude status at the very least."
Sakura's skin flushed a very deep shade of red. It took hold of every bit of exposed skin as she blushed furiously at the thought. "Stupid Naruto gets hard all the time during missions, especially at night when he sleeps, I can't help it if I peek."
"You peek at Naruto? That's cute. Is he big?"
Sakura wasn't having this conversation. She wanted nothing more than to tell Ino to shove off, but Sakura didn't want to deal with another fake crying fit. "He's kind of big, I guess…what qualifies as big?"
Ino snickered, "Depends on what you like. Some girls don't like it too big."
That did not answer Sakura's question, and now she was wholly confused. She just sat and shook her head disapprovingly at Ino.
"Did you expect me to give you a number?"
Sakura nodded her head yes, not wanting to verbalize anything else in this exchange of complete and utterly embarrassing weirdness.
"Six is quite good, but seven...seven or more is big."
Sakura processed the information and estimated Naruto's length in her head. "He's teetering on big."
Ino chuckled, "Teetering?"
Sakura glared at the blonde woman again, "Yes, teetering."
"But he was only half-hard, right?" Ino prodded. She knew exactly how to press Sakura's buttons to get her to talk.
Sakura sucked in a very annoyed breath before whispering angrily, "He was masturbating in the woods! Are you happy now?"
Ino wiped amused tears from her eyes, "Yeah, because he was probably wanking it to thoughts of you, and you were spying on him while he was doing it. The two of you are such adorable little perverts together."
Sakura's jaw dropped. "He…what? Thinking of…me?" It was only after that she realized that she had been accused of spying on Naruto's little perverse woodland adventures. "And I wasn't spying," she grumbled, "I was just going to wash up at a stream and he was there with his stupid thing out. That does not qualify as spying."
"Well, either way, I wouldn't have blamed you. He is one hot little number these days with his blond hair, blue eyes, sexy smirk, and a chest that you could…"
"Ino-pig, stop, just stop." Sakura couldn't take much more, the thought of Naruto, her teammate nonetheless, was…well, Sakura supposed she liked that thought too much.
"Sasuke's going to be jealous, Sai too, maybe even Kakashi," Ino teased. The men of team seven were enamored with their little pink-haired goddess as of late, it was something completely obvious to most outside observers.
"I'm going to kill you." Sakura threatened as she shook her head and ground her teeth together. Ino might have been her best friend, but she could have even irritated the pink right out of Sakura's hair if she wanted to.
"Kill me? Nah, you won't. So what kind of underwear does Kakashi-sensei wear?" Ino queried. She had to admit, the thought of the copy-nin half-naked truly intrigued the blonde.
Ino decided to poke more fun at Sakura, "Not boxer-briefs?"
"No, not bo…I hate you."
"How about Naruto, Sasuke, and Sai?"
Sakura was done with this conversation, there was little more she wished to discuss on the topic, and so she gave an overly-done 'hrumph' and folded her arms in defiance.
"I'll tell you what Shika and Choji wear. I bet you'd like to know, seeing as you're the one with the underwear fetish."
Sakura rolled her eyes, damn her weakness, damn it, damn it, damn it. "Sai wears briefs, Naruto and Sasuke both wear boxer-briefs."
Ino nodded knowingly, "Now I know why you like them so much, and for graciously sharing your personal underwear-related reconnaissance, you'll be happy to know that Choji wears boxers and Shika wears briefs, but maybe I'll buy a pack of those boxer-briefs for their birthdays."
Sakura locked that information away, storing it for another time and another place, preferably a long lonely night in her apartment when she was devoid of human contact (save her own).
"Ino-pig, you and Shikamaru…the two of you have done it, right?"
The confused, yet amused look which graced Ino's face spoke of the great disbelief of how innocent Sakura was, even though she had something as kinky as an underwear fetish. "You mean sex with Shika?"
Ino nodded, "Yeah, a few times, that man is a horny bastard, though he doesn't seem like it."
"Yep, just Shika, though I don't think I'm his only partner." Ino said the last part quietly, almost like she hadn't meant to admit it aloud.
Ino sighed, she knew she wasn't the only one in Shikamaru's bed. There was another blond woman who had caught the lazy genius' eye. Shikamaru's and Temari's rendezvous usually happened when Ino and Shikamaru were on a break from their relationship, and it did not surprise Ino that she and her boyfriend's temporary break-ups usually coincided with Temari's visits to Konoha or Shikamaru's missions to Suna.
Sakura was glad she had finally made it back to the tabled conversation about Ino and Shikamaru's relationship. She could tell it was eating away at her friend.
"Does that bother you?" Sakura asked gently.
"No," Ino lied. "Shikamaru can be a bastard when it comes to women, but it just comes with the territory, so really, please drop it. Let's talk about something more fun than my relationship problems. So who are you considering? You are obviously considering someone to test this fetish thing out on, and it would be good for you to actually do something other than work for a change."
Sakura watched Ino quirk her eyebrows as she tried to desperately divert the conversation away from Shikamaru. There was no way Sakura was going to get more out of her now, because Ino changed gears in an instant. The blonde was done moping for the day over the brilliant man who had taken over her team when Asuma died. Instead, Ino waggled her eyebrows suggestively. It effectively hid the sadness from just a minute before. It actually reminded Sakura of Naruto, because it was something he would do.
"Um, I don't know…but probably one of my guys," Sakura ventured.
"Your guys? You mean someone from team seven?" Ino asked hopefully.
Sakura wasn't sure she wanted to act on anything. She really was too busy to think about things as trivial as underwear and men, but it was a delicious thought, there was no denying that. However, it was much easier for Sakura to ignore her more human needs and just bury herself in work. Work wasn't embarrassing and messy and filled with heartbreak. Then again, who said this had to be a serious romantic venture? Sakura really didn't appreciate being called a prude, because she wasn't, she was just currently inexperienced. She liked guys, she wanted to try sex (with someone she trusted of course), so why couldn't she go ahead and make this leap? The only thing that was holding Sakura back was Sakura.
The conversation lulled as a slightly uncomfortable silence washed over them. Sakura looked far too embarrassed and withdrawn to continue. Ino smirked in that devilish way of hers, "I'll help you. Let's find you someone so you actually get some practical experience with that fetish of yours."
Sakura blushed, and then nodded. For once she wasn't going to argue with Ino. It was high time she actually lived a little, and besides, this asinine little conversation was the first fun she'd had in couple of months. It wouldn't hurt to take a little time to explore it, would it? Sakura sighed and gave into the idea. Boxers, briefs, or boxer-briefs—what a tough decision it was.