MERRY CHRISTMAS! I hope you all have a wonderful Christmas! God bless!

So here we are with my newest little advent in fan fiction writing. What is it exactly? I really have no idea... It is a random collection of this and that. Character interviews, fan mail, ficlets, all jumbled together for one thing.


In other words, I do not own the legal rights to anything. That should keep the lawyers off my back...

This story is going to be majorly OOC. If you don't like it, then stop reading. If you feel like flaming, go ahead. I will not flame back.

And now, without further delay, I give you the first chapter of the story!

"Personification..." the man behind the desk leaned back in his chair and marked something on the clipboard in his hand. "Check!" He was wearing a black uniform, with a bullet proof vest strapped over his chest, and a gas mask adorning his face. Behind the red lenses of the mask's goggles, his eyes twinkled with excitement.

"Setting..." he looked around himself. "Check!" He was sitting behind a small wodden desk in a swivelling chair. To his left was a red sofa, to his right was a blue door. The walls around him where plain white, and the carpet was a shade of red. Across the room from him was a large camera. He looked at his watch and chuckled. "Excellent... I'm right on schedual."

He adjusted his posture in the chair, and then he turned to face the camera. "Ladies and gentlemen reading this story... Yes, the fourth wall is no problem... My name is Agent HUNK. I will be your fan fiction writer for the evening. I would like to welcome my first guest in this little tale... ALUCARD NOSFORATU!" he clapped his hands together. There was a flash of light, and Alucard, the gun wielding No Life King himself, appeared on the sofa next to him.

"What is going on here?" he looked around.

"You're in my story," Agent HUNK replied.

"Who are you? And why are you in that rediculous costume?" Alucard pointed at the man behind the desk.

"My name is Agent HUNK. But you can just call me "H" for short. I am a fan fiction writer. I am dressed like my namesake..." he answered her calmly.

"Oh great, another of these stupid little story things..." he grumbled.

"Not too fond of them, are you?" H cocked his head to the side.

Alucard frowned. "No."

"Why?" H leaned back in his chair.

"Becuase I often end up being horridly out of character, subjected to the affection of Mary Sues, or placed in some bizarre situation," Alucard explained.

"Like this?" H chuckled.

"Yes. Now why exactly am I here? I have important things to do," Alucard crossed his arms and leaned back into the sofa.

"Wow you're impatient... Alright, alright..." H shook his head. "What is your name?"

"Beg pardon?" the vampire raised an eyebrow.

"What is your name?" H repeated.

He looked at H like he was crazy. "Alucard Nosforatu."

"What is your quest?" H asked.

"To do whatever my Master orders me to do," Alucard replied. "And to kill as many things as possible..." he added under his breath.

"What..." H started to ask, "Is your favorite color?"

"Red," Alucard flashed a toothy grin. "The color of blood!"

"Ooookaaaaay, that ISN'T creepy..." H flipped through the pages on his clipboard.

"Any more questions?" Alucard adjusted his hat.

"Yes... Do you deny the fact that you are head over heels in love with the human known as Integra Hellsing, to whom you are an eternal servant and follower?" H didn't move a muscle as he waited for a reply.

Alucard didn't say a word. He didn't move a muscle.He just stared at him for a few moments of awkward silent. He then reached into his coat and pulled out his Jackel pistol.

"Woah woah woah!" H jumped back and waved his hands. "You don't want to do that!"

Alucard flicked the safety off. "Why not?"

"If you kill me, the story ends, and you'll be stuck in nonexistance forever!" H tried to talk her out of shooting him. The vampire stared at him silently. He didn't know if he was being honest, or if he was just trying to save his skin. With a shrug, he put the gun back in his coat. "Phew..." H sighed.

"I'm losing patience with you," Alucard growled.

"Tell me, Mr. Nosforatu," H flipped through the pages of his clipboard. "How long have you been in the service of Secret Service Hellsing?"

"120 years, give or take a decade," Alucard smiled.

"How long have you been undead?" H asked.

"A lot longer than you have been," Alucard smirked.

"Have you ever been to Walachia?" H cocked his head to the side.

Alucard stared at him silently. "Pass..."

"Hmph. I thought so..." beneath his mask, he was smiling. "How long have you been in service of Integra Hellsing?"

"10 years," Alucard replied.

"How did you meet?" H flipped through the pages once more.

"It is a long story that involves trust, betrayel, and vast amounts of blood," Alucard leered wickedly.

'That sounds like an advertisement for a soap opera or something...' H thought to himself. "Hmph. Why is that not a suprise?" he chuckled. He then flipped back through the pages of his clipboard.

Alucard growled. "That is getting annoying. I am about to shove that thing down your throat."

"Next question..." H ignored the threats, "Why did you convert Seras Victoria into being a vampire?"

"Hm..." Alucard considered his answer. "I'm not sure."

"You aren't sure?" H cocked his head to the side once again.

"Was it out of pity? Lust? Boredom? I am not sure..." Alucard shrugged.

"No fair, he pretty much quoted the OVA..." H muttered under his breath.

"Why do you ask?" Alucard raised an eyebrow.

"It seems out of character for the No Life King to give a random pathetic human who mattered little to you a chance at immortality..." H shrugged.

Alucard popped his neck out of boredom. "Do you have any more questions?"

"Why do you call Walter the Angel of Death? Kind of funny for an abomination to use Biblical references..." H leaned back in his chair.

"Hmph. Funny? I don't see the humor in it... And my reasons are my own," Alucard smiled.

"Ooooh, gonna be all mysterious about it, huh?" H folded his hands together and placed his elbows on the table. Bracing his head with his hands, he went on to ask the next question. "What about the Wild Geese?"

"They get the job done," Alucard replied. "I'm not too fond of them though..."

"What about that Cap'n Bernadette? He seems to get along quite well with Seras..." H seemed to be hinting at something. Alucard didn't seem to care about it, though. After a few seconds of strained silence, H coughed. "Ahem... Right... Well... Is Anderson a worthy enemy?" H inquired.

"Oho! Finally an interesting subject..." Alucard's eyes flashed with excitement. "Yes, yes! He is the only enemy I have actualy had fun fighting!"

"Really? Why is that?" H silently took out a small notepad and began to write down notes.

"He actually puts up a good fight. And he is hard to kill... Few times do my fights actually lost long enough for me to get any real joy out of it," Alucard explained.

"Uh huh..." H nodded his head.

"I haven't had a good enemy like him since-" Alucard paused.

"Sinnnnnce?" H leaned forward.

"None of your business," Alucard sneered.

"Abraham Van Hellsing?" H stared at the vampire sitting beside him. Alucard stayed silent, the corner of his mouth twitching slightly. Then, without warning, he reached into his coat. With an angry roar, Alucard leveled the Jackel with H's forehead. "OH CRAP!" he ducked just as Alucard pulled the trigger. The back of H's chair exploded into a cloud of dust, feathers, and bits of charred leather. "NEXT!!!!" he clapped his hands together desperately. Before he could fire another shot, Alucard dissappeared. "Phew..." H sighed. "Aw man..." he surveyed the damage to his chair. "This was my favorite chair... Oh well!" he clapped his hands together, and in a flash of light the chair was fixed. "That takes care of that... Now who is next?" he surveyed his clipboard. "Hmmmmm..."

Reviews, suggestions, advice, flames... Any of it would be greatly appreciated. Next chapter will either be another interview or a story about Anderson's driving skills.