Who am I?

Sometimes I don't even know.

I used to – once. Before my life changed. Before the mutation.

It seems like so long ago. It seems like a dream that my unconscious mind concocted.

But I know its real. I know that happiness was once a constant state of life, marred only by the smallest of childish woes. Now, when I face bigger troubles, I find comfort in those little problems and wish that they were all I had to worry about.

I'm afraid that the childish dream of being a hero isn't much of a comfort when you're hurting and afraid, or when you're obsessed with your own power to hurt others. It's funny how back then, it never occurred to me that responsibility would come with great power; that I would be able to hurt people as well as help them.

Few of my teammates understand why I feel this way and the ones that do hide it well. They don't want to talk about it for fear of revealing their own insecurities.

They know like I do that they are not who they were before they joined the X-Men. I don't know about them, but I miss the innocence. I miss the ability to go anywhere without being derided or being attacked. I miss the ability to feel safe wherever I go and to be able to trust that my government will do all in its power to make sure that my rights are looked after. I wish that I had been given the chance to have a normal job. I wish that I had been given the chance to have a romance that is not centered around the fact that we are both different and fight together.

I don't want to be seen as a monster anymore, but no one asked for my input when I became a mutant and so I must live with it regardless. I wish I could trade it all in for normalcy.

Every time this chance arrives, though, it has strings on it of too great a magnitude. Desires for a normal life get ignored in an attempt to make sure that others can have one and that their lives don't get cut short by some maniac. Hopefully, those we save will never have to see what we see in rescuing them, nor have to make the sacrifices we make. I can't get close to anyone for fear of hurting them, yet they don't appreciate the sacrifice. They don't try to understand that we can be heroes as well as villains.

Who am I?

I am afraid, alone, bloodied, disillusioned, downtrodden, hopeless, hurt, and wishing for better. I am with others like me, but we are still alone in spite of being together.

I was Bobby Drake, before fate made me Iceman.

True happiness is for those normal. I have to make due with what I've got.