This story is NOT canon, meaning it exists in a parallel universe and has nothing to do with my main SSB stories.
Characters used here will be from SSB, various characters who appeared in my previous stories, and my OCs who also appeared in previous stories.
Note: This story contains fourth wall breaking, insane humor, out of character, and other nonsense stuff. If you think those kinds of stuff are not appropriate in stories, then I advise you to not read on any further. Thank you and Merry Christmas.
A CHRISTMAS CAROL
Chapter 1: Ganondorf Dragmire
This story takes place a long time ago in Onett, Eagleland, and it exists in an alternate universe too, so there is no Smash Mansion.
Onett is a town known for celebrating Christmas a lot. The people of this place love Christmas more than anything else.
However, there is only one person who does not enjoy Christmas. In fact, he hates Christmas more than anything else in the world, I think…
His name is Ebenezer… Oops, I mean Ganondorf Dragmire.
This is where our parody story begins.
One cold evening, Jigglypuff is outside a building singing Christmas carols, but the people avoid her because they don't want to fall asleep in the middle of the snow.
"Jingle bell! Jingle bell! Jingle all the way!" she sings. "O what fun, it is to have, on one horse open slay, hey!"
Note: She actually wanted to say sleigh, but got it wrong.
Then it is at this moment the door slams open and a tall black and muscular man in black armor steps out. Without saying a thing, he performs a huge and painful kick into Jigglypuff's face and sends her flying over several building roofs. After all, she is a balloon Pokemon, so it's natural that she's light.
"Curses!" grumbles Ganondorf as he returns into his office.
Ganondorf is without doubt the meanest man in Onett. Maybe there are people meaner than him out there, but this is Onett we're talking about.
So anyway, Ganondorf works in a sweatshop which he owns. Actually, his partner Solid Snake also owns this, but he passed away 7 years ago. Even so, the office banner still writes Snake and Gerudo Sweatshop: Work Till Your Drop. Ganondorf could have changed the sign, but he never did because… Why don't you go ask him? The most you would get is a punch to your face. But it's much better than having an energy ball hurled in your face, right?
Inside the office is not a good sight. Ganondorf sits on his well decorated desk and is obsessed with counting his money. That is the only good-looking place, while the others are filled with cobwebs, peeled wallpaper, dusts, mouse holes, and even bones. His only worker, Luigi, is sitting near the door and acting like a clerk, working on a large accounting book.
While they are busy with their work, the door slams open and Ganondorf's totally opposite nephew, Douglas J. Falcon comes in. "Show me your moves!" hollers Captain Falcon in a loud jolly voice.
"I'll show you my moves if you want to!" replies Ganondorf rudely.
"Don't be such a meanie, uncle!" says CF in a happy voice. "You're rich enough!"
"And you're poor enough, cursed being!" says Ganondorf. "What is it that you want? You want my money? Then kill me first!"
"Now, now, my mean old damned uncle. I'm only here to ask if you want to come to the Christmas party at my house tomorrow."
"No way! Away with Christmas and all those who celebrates it! You get out of my sight before I get rid of you!"
"Just say no and I'll leave quietly. Anyway, I still hope you come! See ya later, and show me your moves next time!" says CF, and he leaves.
"Bah! Humbug!" growls Ganondorf as he pops back onto his chair, which flattens due to too much weight pressed on it. "CURSE YOU!!!!"
Then the door opens again Fox and Falco comes in. "We come on behalf of the Good People Association to help gather money for those in need," Fox explains to Ganondorf.
"Yeah, so what?" asks Ganondorf without interest.
"You're a rich guy, so we would like to ask you for donations for those poor guys outside," answers Falco.
"Bah! It's my own money and why should I give it to other people?"
"But those people are in need for money!" Fox says to Ganondorf. "You should help them."
"Tell them to help themselves! Go on and let them die! There are too many poor people already!"
"Why you?!" growls Falco angrily, and he takes out his gun and points it at Ganondorf's forehead.
"Don't! We're not here for a killing spree!" Fox says to Falco as he tries to push him out the office.
"I'm going to kill him!" growls Falco angrily.
Fox takes out his gun and smacks it on his head to knock him out, and then drags him out of the office. "Quietness at last!" says Ganondorf, but then he hears a choir outside singing Christmas hymns, so he opens the door and hurls an energy ball out there.
About 10 people are blasted to bits by the energy ball.
After a while, it is time to go home. Luigi gets up from the accounting desk and stretches, for he has been sitting there since morning. As he dresses to leave, Ganondorf asks him, "I suppose you want a day off tomorrow, right?"
"Um, yeah…" replies Luigi meekly. "It's Christmas, you know, and that's when…"
"Enough! Just come earlier as usual the day after tomorrow!"
"Oh no! The day after tomorrow is when a great freeze over will occur!"
"Stop being superstitious! Now get out of here before I kill another kitten!"
Luigi grabs his stuff and quickly runs out the door, kicking it down in the process.
"Curses!" grumbles Ganondorf. He grabs his stuff to leave, and notices that Luigi took his jacket by mistake. "THAT IDIOT!!!!"
Wearing Luigi's old and ragged jacket, Ganondorf goes into a miserable inn (kicking a kitten along the way) and takes the seat in the center of the inn, his usual place, and orders the usual meals.
As Ganondorf eats and reads his favorite book, many people sitting around him are talking behind him. "You know that guy?" Pork whispers to his friend Pix. "They say he's a hopeless loser who hates everything, and enjoys kicking kittens."
"I heard of it," replies Pix quietly. "And I heard that he hates everyone, even your mom."
Ganondorf overheard them both and he throws his silverwares into their faces. The two Space Pirates run out the inn in great panic with knives and forks stabbed in their faces.
After paying the waiter, he leaves the inn, but not before some bratty customer stuck a paper onto his back that writes "Kick Me".
And so, Ganondorf got back to his home, which is a gigantic mansion that resembles Smash Mansion, but we all know that it isn't.
Oh yeah, it should be noted that there's a shoeprint on his butt. Somewhere, a kid is dead on the street.
Ganondorf steps onto the front door and digs around his pocket for his keys, but he can't find them. "Dammit! Must've left it at the office!" he says. Then he notices something odd and bizarre. He thinks he just saw the face of his dead partner Snake on the door! He looks closer at the eerie face and keeps on telling himself that it must be a cleverly disguised spider.
The eerie face remains there, and says, "Hello."
"Humbug!" grumbles Ganondorf, and he kicks the door down.
And he goes inside.
Inside the mansion, the whole is actually well decorated, except that they are really dirty. There are comfortable furnitures everywhere, if they weren't broken. On the walls are portraits of famous people like Master Hand, Crazy Hand, Worker Hand, Cosmic Hand, Game2002, and Snake. Wait a minute, Snake?!
Ganondorf looks at the mysterious sixth picture that wasn't there before. "I must be hallucinating," he tells himself. He keeps on looking at the eerie portrait of Snake and tries to beat it in a staring contest, but then blinks.
"You lose," says the portrait of Snake.
Ganondorf then rips the portrait off the wall and hurls it out the window, and it happens to hit Jigglypuff who is singing happily outside.
"What a crappy day!" Ganondorf grumbles to himself. He goes up the stairs, which squeaks every time he steps on it, and goes into his room. Shortly after he entered his room, several rats rush out upon hearing his thunderous scream.
After taking a bath, he puts on his pajamas, which consists of patterns of the Triforce, and then jumps onto his bed and goes to sleep, but for some reason, he is having a hard time sleeping.
"Hmm… Too much coffee this morning…" he thought. "Curse those coffees!"
He tosses and turns around and tries to sleep, and even tried counting sheep. After a long while, he feels a presence in the room, the presence that you are not alone… Somebody is watching him, and that somebody knows what he did last summer…
"I know you're hiding somewhere!" shouts Ganondorf. "Come out and fight like man!"
"As you wish," replies a loud and eerie voice. Suddenly, the door bursts open and after the smoke has cleared, a man with a bandana around his head and wearing a stealth suit is seen standing there. "It is I, the ghost of your dead partner, Solid Snake!"
TO BE CONTINUED…
This is only the first chapter, but I hope you enjoyed all that you read. Surely you are familiar with this popular Christmas story. I will try my best to make it funny!
You should be familiar with Punk, Pix, and Pork if you have read my previous SSB stories. Worker Hand and Cosmic Hand were in Armageddon: The Corruption.