Or: How I Tried to Write Slash without the Slash.

Author's Note: I've wanted to write a Vimes/Vetinari slash-type fic for a while (about a day and a half), but wanted to do it so that it wouldn't go against the canon. I have referred to some of the slash stories I've read on here but if any of the authors of those stories don't like that then just tell me and I'll remove the reference. Anyway, enjoy...I hope.

Disclaimer: I intend to traumatize at least one character severely during this fic; however, none of them belong to me, dammit.

Lord Vetinari leaned back in his chair and sighed. He was so bored. Everything was going too well lately. Usually that meant that there was some nefarious group of plotters about to make yet another attempt on his life but his spies had already uncovered all three this week. He stared at the huge pile of paperwork and tried to resist the urge to throw it all out of the window; after all, it wasn't as if anyone would notice a bit of extra litter on Ankh-Morpork's streets.

There was a polite knock on the door.

"Come," he said, grateful for the interruption.

Drumknott walked in, a worried expression on his face. "Sorry to bother you, my lord, but I have something I think you should see." He placed a magazine on Vetinari's desk.

Vetinari looked down at it dispassionately. "Drumknott, why have you put a magazine with a picture of an overly-muscled naked young man on the cover onto my desk?"

"It's a copy of this month's 'Pink Pages', sir. It's a magazine for gay men, sir."

"I can see that, Drumknott. But why is it on my desk?" asked Vetinari.

Drumknott swallowed, he'd been dreading this. "Turn to page 34, sir."

Vetinari opened the magazine to the appropriate page and stared. A huge picture dominated the page; it was an iconograph of him and Commander Vimes, taken at the soiree for the ambassador from Brindisi last month. Splashed across the picture were the words 'Havelock Vetinari and Sam Vimes: A Match made in Heaven?' He looked at Drumknott and raised an eyebrow.

"It's a story one of their readers has written and sent in, sir. They hold a competition every issue for the best fictional pairing of two famous men and the winner gets their story printed," said Drumknott.

"And apparently myself and Commander Vimes have provided the author with some inspiration recently," Vetinari smiled slightly. "Well, let's have a look at what he's written…'Sam tried to resist as he felt Havelock's lips press against his, but could only do so for a moment before melting into his passionate embrace. "Havelock," he whispered as the Patrician kissed his way down Sam's body, stopping only when he—'… Oh my."

"I know, it is rather…graphic, isn't it, sir. That is just this month's issue, sir, but apparently you're quite popular with the magazine's readers," said Drumknott.

"Hmm?" said Vetinari, distracted by what Havelock was now doing to Sam. "My goodness, the imagination some people have…" He looked up. "What do you mean 'popular'?"

"Well, sir, in the stories you've been paired with several other men," explained Drumknott, pulling a list out of his pocket. "So far: Commander Vimes, obviously; Captain Carrot Ironfoundersson; Rincewind, the wizard who was on the Kite; Leonard da Quirm; oh, and, er…me."


Drumknott shifted slightly. "Yes, sir. Several times, sir. The magazine has a great many readers in the city, and apparently quite a few of them believe that these stories are based on real events."

Vetinari, having finished the story by now, put the magazine down on his desk and turned to face his secretary. "Do you want to have sex with me, Drumknott?"


"It's a simple enough question."

Drumknott's eyes widened. "Um…no, sir?" he said, praying that was the right answer.

Vetinari nodded. "Capital. Well, I have no desire to have sex with you either, so I assume that's sorted out." Drumknott nodded enthusiastically. "Good. Where did you find the magazine, anyway?"

"In the kitchens, sir. It belongs to one of the clerks."

"Ah," Vetinari paused. "Clerk Brian?"

Drumknott nodded. "He says he collects them almost religiously, sir. He's got every issue."

"I bet," said Vetinari. Suddenly a wicked smile appeared on his face. "Send a clacks to Pseudopolis Yard, will you? I have a feeling Commander Vimes is going to want to see this."

Commander Vimes had to admit he was a little apprehensive when Drumknott sent him straight into the Oblong Office. Normally Vetinari made him wait at least ten minutes. Oh gods, he thought, what was going on now?

"Ah, Vimes," Vetinari greeted him with a friendly smile. "Do have a seat, won't you?"

"Is something wrong, sir?" asked Vimes. "We've already had our daily meeting."

Vetinari waved a hand languidly. "No, no. Nothing's wrong." He held out a magazine on his desk to Vimes, who took it. "Open it to page 34."

Vimes did so and almost fell off his chair; he looked at Vetinari in shock. "Is this some kind of joke, sir?"

Vetinari smiled again. "Read it."

Vimes sighed and began to read as Vetinari walked over to the window and stared out at the city. When he'd gotten to the end Vimes let out another, more ragged, sigh.

"It's quite the story, isn't it?" said Vetinari.

When Vimes replied, his voice sounded somewhat distant, even to him. "It's…um…very interesting, sir."

Vetinari crossed over to the desk and perched on it in front of Vimes. "Wasn't it just?" He cocked his head to one side, and gave the Commander an inquiring look. "What was your favourite part?"

The end, thought Vimes. People actually thought he'd do that? Vetinari seemed to be expecting an answer though, so he decided to play it safe. "I thought the story was…very well edited, sir."

"Mmm," said Vetinari in a tone Vimes had never heard him use before. "What did you think of the choice of pairing? Apparently the thought of the two of us having wild, passionate sex is quite popular with the readers of this magazine."

Vimes struggled to stifle a scream; Vetinari was flirting with him! "I-it's not something that I've ever considered, sir."

Vetinari leaned closer to Vimes and gave him a long, smouldering look. "Consider it now, Sam."

Vimes jumped up so fast he knocked the chair over. "I'd rather not, sir!"

Vetinari sat back and grinned. "What's wrong, Vimes? You seem nervous."

Vimes gulped; this was worse than the dragon, the werewolf and the dark dwarves all rolled into one. "Why did you really ask me here, sir?"

Vetinari smiled and indicated the magazine still in Vimes' hand. "I just wanted to talk to you about the story, Vimes." He gave the Commander an innocent look. "The magazine is quite popular and I just wanted to prepare you for any rumours that may start as a result of it."

"So you're not trying to seduce me?" Vimes asked warily.

Vetinari chuckled. "My dear Vimes, why would I do that? Do you honestly think I would ask you to come to my office alone for an unscheduled meeting, show you a rather explicit story about you and I having graphic and detailed sex and then use it in an attempt to arouse you into re-enacting some of its most memorable passages? What a preposterous idea."

"Er…good. Because you know I'm not gay, right?" said Vimes firmly. "Not that there's any thing wrong with all that, but I'm just not. I'm married, and I have a child."

Vetinari nodded. "If you say so, Vimes," he said, sounding unconvinced. "And of course no married man has ever realised he's actually gay, has he…?"

"I'm warning you…"

"Oh hush, Vimes. I merely wanted to discuss the story with you. You have to admit that it's an interesting pairing, don't you think? Someone like me being paired with someone like you…" He looked Vimes up and down slowly. "…Dynamic, strong, virile…"

Vimes glared at him. "I think I'd better get back to the Yard now, sir."

Vetinari smiled and held out a hand. "Fine. If I could have my magazine back, please."

Vimes hesitated and took a step forward, holding the magazine as far away from him as possible. Vetinari put his arm down by his side with a smile.

"On the desk please, Commander."

Vimes took another step forward and pulled his arm back to throw the magazine on the table.

"Don't throw it, Vimes. Place it on the desk, please."

Gritting his teeth and making sure he kept his eyes on Vetinari, Vimes stepped closer. The Patrician's eyes fixed on his, and as Vimes slid the magazine onto the surface of the desk, Vetinari leant towards him…

Then just as suddenly Vetinari stepped away, and sat back in his chair behind his desk, all icy efficiency once more. "I thought you were going, Commander? After all, I'm sure you have some important work to be getting on with, as do I."

Vimes was frozen to the spot though; suddenly he felt dazed and very, very confused. He shook himself slightly and started taking backward steps to the door, keeping his eyes on Vetinari at all times. "Right...yes…very important…work. Gotta go!"

He quickly left the room and hurried towards the stairs. What until he told Sybil about this…

Vetinari listened to Commander Vimes practically run away and grinned. He'd had no intention of actually kissing Vimes, or of doing anything else to the man, but it was fun to watch him squirm. His grin grew even wider as he wondered what to say to Vimes tomorrow; this was going to keep him amused for weeks.