Author: Sky Samuelle
Rating: PG for now
Category: Angst, romance,
Summary: A different twist on Recknocking
Spoilers: vaguely, for reckocking and lexmas
Disclaimer: No infringement is intended, no profit is made.
Lex Luthor is never drunk- usually he never allows himself that weakness, even if he's the only testimony of it . Even if he wouldn't feel repulsed by the loss of control, the voice of his father would never fail to remark the difference between a shameful addiction and a tasteful appreciation.
It kills him to admit this, but Lex is like every other son, after all- Lionel has given him nothing but remorseless betrayal and disappointment, yet he can't stop seeking his approval.
It won't never come, but warring with Nature is a waste of time Lex won't indulge.
Not when it's such much more productive twisting filial instinct into competition.
When his father has came to him after the Clark's accident with silver kryptonite and told him that Lana Lang will never love him because of the darkness deeply rooted inside him, it has taken a lot of restraint to not demand if it was really Lex Lionel hated, or a fallacious reflection of himself.
All his life, Lex has known that for his father he's nothing but natural fruition of his teachings, and therefore a worthy object of recriminations rather than praises . Every success he has obtained was because of Lionel's accurate training and every failure which has ever hindered him derived from his incapacity to follow it correctly .
More than anything, Lex wants distance himself from his father, to prove him wrong.
Even today, of course, Lex has lost. Lionel is probably laughing and drinking to his failure.
Lex Luthor has tried his hardest and lost to a farmer: a potential triumph has turned out the bitterest spot on the family tree.
Big Bad Luthor won't be a senator, and if all of Smallville can celebrate, there's not a single reason Lex can't .
So today he drinks until he's drunk, surrounded by the decadent luxury of Luthor Mansion, which feels more oppressive after every glass he empties.
His face feels hot and he is certain he should stop, yet Lex is still pouring himself a drink when Lana enters.
"Are you okay? You sounded pretty upset in your message. "
Her soft, concerned tone touches him and he's suddenly ashamed that Lana has to see him in this state.
"Probably shouldn't have called. Shouldn't do a lot of things but I uh, seem to do them anyway. "
Like wanting her there when she obviously means to enjoy the Jonathan's victory along with Clark.
Because in this lifetime she is with Clark, not him. In this world she loves Clark, not Lex, in spite of any tempting, treacherous dream or vision Lex can have had about happy Christmases and happiest families.
He must raise his glass to the irony : " I'm sure you wanna get back to the party, so... "
Lana 's voice is still soft and still it brings him to shame as she walks towards him:
" I know how hard you worked for this, but, I don't think you should take it so personally. "
" You know how many people are cheering right now that the uh, spoiled rich kid lost to some salt of the earth farmer?"
" Well, since when do you care about what other people think? "
"Since I was branded at birth with the sins of my father- he argues, but she still doesn't understand and he feels his speech to become more excited - Just once, Lana. I wanted to get out from under his shadow, you know? Earn something on my own? Well, consider yourself lucky you never had a father to endure, huh?
Lex doesn't want her pity. Pity is for the weak and he will never be that. He holds on Scotch, hoping he won't actually remember any of this humiliating charade tomorrow morning, if he drinks enough.
" Umm. I think it's best if we talk about this when you're not drunk."
Lana is walking away and towards the door, but Lex is not surprised. All what he touches eventually turns acid and foul-tasting.
"See, now I've hurt your feelings. Perfect! Through this whole campaign I've managed to alienate everyone I care about. I can't lose you too. "
Another drink, and he almost misses it when Lana walks back over to him :
"Lex. Hey. "
She puts her hand on his shoulder, and says exactly what he didn't know he longed to hear " You weren't going to lose me."
He could swear there will be an imprint of her palm on his skin tomorrow, because he feels the warmth of her flesh on his spreading through all his body and when he smiles, putting her hand on hers, he knows it reaches his eyes.
Until Lex notices the ring on her finger and everything freezes from inside out once again.
"Oh. Well, I guess it's a bigger day than I thought."
Lana is completely deaf to the bitterness of his comment. She looks excited like a little girl who has not just shattered what was left of his projects- not dreams, because no Luthor has those, never . In her eyes it shines a light he longs to crush.
" Yeah, yeah it happened so fast we never really got a chance to tell anyone about it."
She is going to getting married to someone else, and he can't quite believe it's meant to end like this.
"Yeah. So after all the lies he told you, you still chose him, hmm?"
"You don't understand… "
The room grows from chilly to intolerably hot in the space of seconds. Lex is so angry he can barely breath :
"How many times have you come to me, wondering what Clark's keeping from you? Why he, uh, disappeared to Metropolis for months? How he rose from the dead?"
"It's not like that now."
One suspicion dawns over him, and it feels like the proverbial sword buried in his back.
"Really? Come on, Lana. I know you. You'd never say yes with all the doubts you have! Whatever it is he's been covering up all this time -he takes hold of her chin and whispers, leaning in close to her : -You know, don't you?"
She shakes off his most tender feelings with the same resolution she removes his hand from her beautiful, lying face.
"Clark isn't hiding anything, Lex. "
Lex knows the truth: Clark won't never trust him – exactly like he never did in past- and Lana is no different. Lana is not different. To think he would change himself for her…
"After everything I've done for you. How could you lie to me?"
In his fury, he turns and throws his glass swiftly into the fire, aware he is just too close to throw it in her face.
Lana jumps and Lex finds himself far from placated- he grabs her upper arms and pushes her back against the bar.
The fear so transparent on her features angers him further : she has no right to make him feel remorse, after her lies.
He shouts to her like he could silence the voices screaming inside his head simply by covering them: they say he is a fool for hoping and believing and putting her on her pedestal. At last, she chose Clark and all what she has reserved for him are lies.
Lana grabs a glass from the bar… but before she can throwing it in his face, a sharp pain seizes Lex, forcing him to bring his hands to his heart.
Darkness envelopes him so suddenly he can do nothing but collapsing on the floor.
Lex passes out under her eyes and Lana cannot move: she's terrified it is a feint of some kind and looking down on his unmoving body, she is expecting to see him to jump up to grab her again.
But it doesn't happen- Lex is just there, so still than he could be even dead. Which is probably impossible by each medical rule existing because heart failures are not …. Like this.
In her hand, the glass is trembling because she is.
Lana breaths in and tries to think, to put the Lex' s rage and the pressure of his crawls on her arms out of her mind.
She approaches his fallen form hesitantly, kneeling beside him but Lana can't bring herself to touch him until she sees how slack his features has became: on his face, she cannot find no trace of the previous anger, nor the grimace of pain she has glimpsed few seconds before he fell.
He doesn't answer, even while she shakes him clumsily and his name keeps coming out her lips in rasps.
Lana 's last thought before security guards barge in from nowhere and take her from him, is that Clark should be here.
A peripheral fragment of the Lex's conscious is aware that he was angry and disquieted, but right now it is difficult to remember the reason . All what he knows is how he can feel the waves. They create a soothing lullaby which surround him, and to which he can't resist, even while they hold him down and he perceives clearly how wildly they thrash his body around.
Yes, all what he cares about is their sound- it reminds him of one morning his mother had taken him on the seashore.
With Julian. They had sat on the sable and played with seashells.
The memory is so untainted and clean than Lex is not entirely sure he is not confusing it with a fantasy.
The waves subside and it's like if he is breaking the surface and grasping… except there's no water around him.
There only a sparkling, endless light.
And a child, waving playfully from distance.
Lex thinks about the son he has never had- the one from his vision- and he's about calling the Alex's name, but what actually comes past his lips is : "Julian !"
The child laughs and Lex doesn't run to reach him, but soon they are face to face and Lex can look down on his brother : the features on the small jovial face blur as he strive to recognize them through the faint glow emanating from them .
Lex sits, noticing Julian is tracing something on the sand.
"Lex, guess what this is !"
The design is hardly elaborate : just two asterisks separated from large space, like if they are meant to be on opposite sides.
Julian is too eager to explain them himself to wait the Lex' s answer:
" They are called Binary Stars "
The hint of childlike smugness of his voice amuses the older Luthor.
"Binary Stars? "
"Don't you see? They are both made of shadows and light, but meant to shine on opposite fields of the Sky. One can't be Light if the Other isn't Dark. This is how the balance works… no Night without Day or Spring without Autumn. "
"I don't understand"
Julian pouts, like if Lex is being stubborn on purpose. Perhaps he's right.
The small boy puffs and points to the right star: " This is Clark Kent - then he points to the left star- this is you "
Julian shrugs, like if it doesn't matter
"Gravity. Or something. But they exchange places cyclically, you know. Neither is evil "
Lex shakes his head in refusal of this logic - he likes to consider himself the mater of his fate.
Julian doesn't mind him. " Father is lying, you know"
"No novelty here… Regarding what?"
"He believes that if one knows everything, controls everything nothing can hurt him. But it's a lie "
Lex mulls over that, but he doesn't really knows what to do with it. Still, the phrase is an accurate synopsis of his and Lionel's way of living.
"The more I try to keep things together, the more they fall apart. Since I came to Smallville. I wish…"
"Let they fall apart. What do you care about? You are what you are- We love you the same. We still miss you"
Lex blinks as speech deserts him. Lillian and Julian are dead, he remembers. This is just a dream, and if he eventually wakes up, they will not be at his side.
They are been dead for years and until this moment the notion has never occurred to him.
Lex wakes up with the Julian's grinning, glowing face fresh on his mind. His return to consciousness is slow, gradual.
When he works up the will to open his eyes the first thing he recognizes is the expensive sterility of a private clinic . White walls close on him and he's not surprised to find himself alone. On his bedside, there's not one single get-well card, but a more useful calendar: he learns he's been out for nine days.
Breathing in, he can recall distinctly his dream, the strange warmth of it.
He had forgot how it felt to be loved.
Perhaps so far, he has wanted to forget it, along with his mother's Chanel N5 scent and his brother' s existence.
It's insane, but he feels… forgiven. Ready.
He must just figure out for what.