AN: Hope you enjoy Jasper's holiday, he is as manic as ever he is in my fanfictions, soz to jasper fans.
Chapter Seven: Lent
Jasper led them down into the cavernous living room and with the are of a showman introducing his bestselling act he gestured triumphantly. The Cullens blinked but said nothing. Jasper, looking slightly disappointed gestured again adding jazz hands. Nothing.
Bella was the first to speak.
"What what?" Jasper asked.
"What is this what?" Bella said exasperatedly.
"What I think Bella means…" Edward said, acting as interpreter for Bella speak as he so often did. "is that well…there's nothing here jasper."
Jasper rolled his eyes; he might have known his genius would be lost on these mere immortals (and one mortal).
"It's lent duh! You have to give stuff up!"
"So we're what, giving up the furniture?" Asked Rosalie angrily. "I'm sorry Jasper but I'm not gonna sit on the floor for half an hour just cos you got a lousy holiday, you're just punishing us." Jasper's eye twinkled and Alice giggled. (You wouldn't think vampires giggle but they do in my fanfictions baby!)
"Come on guys; get into the spirit of the holiday!" Jasper sat on the ground. "Let's make a circle of self sacrifice." He said it like he had just proposed a trip to the beach. They sat down and jasper grinned. "So…Carlisle what are you giving up?"
Carlisle, who by this time would have killed someone to for some non-synthetic clothing said. "I'm gonna give up my suit." Jasper furrowed his brow as Carlisle started to strip.
"Nope." Carlisle threw the stuffing in the middle of the circle and sat down again, now only in a t-shirt and boxer shorts (somewhere some Carlisle fangirls died of excitement.)
"Very well…"Jasper moved on but not before he had given Carlisle the eyebrow of shame. "Esme…"
"I'm gonna give up…hmm it's difficult."
"How about your wedding ring?" Jasper said mischievously.
"Oh no I couldn't do that." She held it out and cocked her head to one side. "It's too precious."
"That is what this holiday is all about Esme!" Jasper intoned in his vicar voice. "repentance and self sacrifice now give it to me!" Esme gave him a look which would have put an injured kitten to shame.
"Are you arguing with the Lent lord Esme?"
"No of course I'm not…hang on the what excuse me?"
"The lent lord!!!"
"No I don't think so…who is he?" There was a pause where Jasper drew himself up to his full height.
"I am! And those who disobey me will sit in the corner of shame and extravagancy!"
"The what?" Rosalie said, bemused. Jasper pointed to a pink paper Mache chair with several flashing lights attached to it and what looked like a bucket balanced on the top
Esme, looking wary dropped her ring into jasper's palm and he laughed manically.
"This is Emo elf all over again!" Bella whispered to Edward who nodded.
"Power hungry!" Edward whispered
"Oh really!" said Jasper, his eyes quite literally popping. "And what are YOU going to give up for lent…Edward!" the last word was quiet, ominous.
"I've already given up my piano isn't that enough?"
"Oh no Edward that was forced upon you, you must also give up something by choice or you shall be smighted or electrocuted or whatever happens…" he trailed off into uncertainty.
"Oh yeah by who?" Jasper made a face which looked like he was trying to pass a melon and pointed to the ceiling. "What the ceiling painter?" Jasper scoughed and shook his head.
"Him, you know, the big man, the guy in the sky, the father, he who sits on a cloud. G-O-D!"
"Have you even read the bible jasper?" Carlisle intoned sceptically. He shook his head. "Well I have and at no point is anyone…how did you put it? Smighted."
"Yes well…that doesn't mean it won't happen! Anyway that is beside the point, what are you giving up for lent oh ginger one!" Edward ignored the dig and unbuttoned his shirt.
"I suppose I'll give up my costume as well." Jasper laughed superiorly.
"Do you think that's enough?" Edward frowned.
"What else is there to take?"
"Oh I think you know." He jerked his head and Edward gasped.
"No!" he nearly shouted it, clutching Bella against him. "No!"
"Edward it's only for half an hour." Esme whispered worriedly.
"No, no, no!"
"Yes!" Jasper whispered madly and he grabbed Bella, needless to say she had no say in this, setting her down next to a cardboard box none of them had noticed before.
"You planned this!" Edward said angrily as jasper lowered her into the box, fastening the lid and pushing it back into the circle of self sacrifice. Edward pawed at the box and a finger appeared from a whole in the box which joined his. They connected in a mournful farewell as the finger withdrew. Esme turned away.
"I can't watch!"
"Right." Ignoring this show of patheticness Jasper moved on. "As I think we can assume that Bella has given up Edward and well all light and possibly air I think we'll carry on, Alice?"
"I'm gonna give up…" she looked around guiltily. "…my gel."
"Alice, I didn't know you used gel." Jasper said, frowning.
"It's not like I have any choice."
"But it's so...icky." Rosalie said, disgusted.
"You mustn't judge me Rosie, you don't know what it's like, you can't know what it's like having flat, uninteresting hair. Having to sit up right on every chair so that your hair doesn't droop."
"Oh Alice I never knew." Esme shook her head disbelievingly.
"No!" Alice stood up looking highly manic. "I won't be embarrassed anymore, I'm tired of living a lie, I don't have spiky pixie hair I'm as flat as a tyre which has been run over Edward's nose."
"It's not THAT pointy." Edward whipped out a hand mirror and started twiddly with his nose, his brow furrowed. Bella poked her pinkie out reassuringly.
"Well not anymore! My name is Alice Cullen!" she whipped off her top hat to reveal a straight bob. "And I have flat hair!!!"
"Yeah…Alice." Emmett tugged her closer. "Nobody cares." Looking a little embarrassed Alice sat back down and replaced her top cat, throwing a little blue tub of hair gel into the middle of the pile. It landed on the box and there was a yelp from inside. Jasper winked at Alice.
"Right, Emmett!" Emmett was fiddling with something inside his bright green jacket. "What's that?"
"Nothing!" he said defensively and tried to tuck it away in his inside pocket but Rosalie grabbed it.
"Carol Vaudaman's Pocket Su doku? Emmett what is this?"
"Alright!" Emmett grabbed back the little electronic handset. "My name is Emmett Cullen and I'm a Sudokuholic." Rosalie patted him on the back.
"The first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem." She whispered to Emmett, prying the device out of his hand with difficulty and throwing it into the middle. "Just something they taught me at alcoholics anonymous."
"What!?" The Cullens chorused, apparently this was news to them.
"Nothing, shall we get on with the holiday please we don't have much time left."
"But Rosalie…you haven't said what YOU'RE giving up yet!" Jasper said in hushed tones.
"WHAT?" Bella said loudly from inside the box.
"SHE SAID "BUT ROSALIE…YOU HAVEN'T SAID WHAT YOU'RE GIVING UP YET! JASPER SAID IN HUSHED TONES!" Emmett shouted, banging on the box.
"I'm not giving up anything!" Rosalie said smugly. "You can't make me, besides the times nearly gone."
"Then there is nothing for it! You shall have to sit in the chair of self indulgence."
"I thought you said it was called the…" Alice cut in.
"Never mind what it is called." Jasper grabbed Rosalie who struggled but he slung her over his back like a sack of potatoes and threw her into the chair fastening straps around her in the chair.
"Big whoop, I can break those easily!"
"Not these ones, they're made of…synthetic fabric!" Rosalie gasped.
"Get them off me, get them off me, I won't touch them!!!!"
"Not before you face your punishment."
"What? You know jasper people who break lent don't get gunged, people who go onto Saturday morning kids television get gunged! You're just making up rules so you can gunge people!" Rosalie squirmed.
"And you just like saying gunge!" Jasper taunted, Rosalie didn't deny it ( it is fun actually, gunge gunge gunge gunge although every time I type it a little red line appears underneath which makes me die inside a little bit each time )
Jasper grabbed the chord.
"Three two one!" the gunge spilled onto Rosalie head, drenching her in purple and yellow gloop. She screamed and wriggled. Ahhhhh.
"What happened, what happened!" Bella exclaimed poking at the box to try and make a peep whole on the other side.
"Rosalie just got gunged." Carlisle repressed a smile.
"Oooooo, let me see, let me see!"
"Shut up Bella!" Rosalie howled.
"Emmett, what are you doing?" Alice exclaimed.
"Are you…? You are, give me that su doku right now!!!"
"But I only need one more line!"
"No Emmett, you said you'd quit!!" Alice leapt on him, straining o reach the little scrap of newspaper in his hand while in the corner Rosalie clawed at Jasper.
"This is the time I would usually sigh, fold me newspaper up and retire to my study." Carlisle said, with an are of melancholy.
And then the timer buzzed.
AN: Hope you like the chapter it's quite long by my standards. Just to let you know that I am going to be doing more writing in the future so I don't think there will be such a long period of absence. Sorry to all my devoted fans!!! You guys rock!
P.S. I have just added gunge to my word dictionary so it recognises it now, yay!