Disclaimer – If I owned Spike do you think I'd be spending my time writing fanfiction?
Author's Notes – Set right after 'Damage'. That was such a sad episode and it's sort of an angsty piece keeping with the theme of said episode.
Summary – Spike and Angel have a little talk.
Heaving a sigh and leaning back on the bed, I hate hospitals. They smell of disinfectant, sickness, and death…and not even a good kind of death. Stupid hospital. Stupid doctors. Stupid tests and needles. Looking at the IV in my arm with disgust, I hate this place.
"Well its official, you've driven your doctor into early retirement." Oh how sad, now there's no one to poke me, stick needles in my arms, and ask repetitive and mind numbing questions.
Giving the dark avenger a look, I don't see why he's so bloody pissed off. Is he the one sitting here in some paper thin gown with his hands just recently stitched back on? Tempting thought for later though. "Does that mean I can go now?"
"Why, got some other grand plan you'd like to put into action tonight? How about going after a psychotic vampire this time? Or maybe you'd prefer to take a flying leap into a vat of holy water." Maybe I'd like to run your sodden ass through with a hot poker. Oh wait already did that.
"You know most people bring flowers and candy to someone in the hospital. Or so I've heard." My head's pounding and leave it to him to make it even worse. It figures though, only reason he would come here is to rub it in that I screwed up. Angelus never was one to let any mistake go unpunished.
Beginning to pace and either ignoring what I've said or possibly not even hearing it as he's too caught up in listening to himself, I'd put my money on the second one. "What the hell is wrong with you, huh? Didn't I tell you to stay out of it? Didn't I tell you you'd end up getting hurt or killed? Did you listen though? No! You never listen. You never think and you never listen. You're lucky all she did was cut off your hands, she could have staked you! But do you care? No of course not. All you care about is the fight, and the blood, and having it your way! When are you going to grown up and-"
"Alright! Alright, bloody fucking hell put a cork in it!" Letting my head fall back against the pillows, I'm too tired for this tonight. Normally, fine, I'll argue all night, but give me a break; I've just had my hands chopped off not more then two hours ago. "God, you want me to say it, fine, you were right. I didn't think it through before I went after her and I paid the price. So I get it okay, I don't need you standing here yelling at me like I'm some stupid fledgling. You gave up that right along with being able to tell me what to do a long time ago, Angelus."
Deflating somewhat, he at least closes his mouth for the moment. Doubt it'll last though. "You wouldn't need to be yelled at or told what to do if you'd just use that brain of yours once in a while." Wow thirty whole seconds, a new record.
Pulling up a chair and sitting down too close to me in my opinion, he looks about as exhausted as I feel. Suppose working for a big evil corporation will do that to you though. "Why is it so hard for you? You know if you were just stupid like Penn, or insane like Drusilla I'd understand, but you're not. You were always the smartest, you learned the fastest, you had ambition and drive. You were m- Angelus' favorite."
"Yeah." Heaven forbid you associate yourself with my Sire.
"So what happened? I've been going over it ever since we got you out of there. What happened to make you start ignoring every ounce of intellect you have? When did you go from William the Bloody, master of death and destruction to Spike, master of failed plans and impatience?"
"You really don't know do you." All this time, all this time I thought for sure he knew, but he doesn't. He's just as clueless now as he was back in the days of Angelus. Stupid gits, the both of um.
"No I don't. So you explain it to me, Spike. You tell me how you went from conquering the world to this. And I don't mean the soul either." I know what you mean, unlike you I don't take half a century to catch up to the program.
"You left. You left me there with Darla and Dru. One who took delight in beating me unconscious on a daily basis and the other who did nothing but cry for her 'daddy' to come home." Closing my eyes, I wish I could hit him. Just wait until my hands heal, I'm going to break every bone in his body. "You stupid, selfish, sod."
Rubbing his eyes in what looks like frustration, he is asking for it. "Spike you know I didn't have a choice. Darla made me-"
"Don't you dare blame this on her. You didn't have to leave me and Dru there. You didn't have to show back up during the Boxer Rebellion only to leave again. I did everything to try and keep you that second time. I took out a fucking slayer for you! I told you before Drusilla may have turned me, but you, you were my Sire. You made me what I am today. You made me everything I am." And don't think that little bit of knowledge doesn't disgust me as much as it does you.
"I'm sorry." Of course, and it all comes down to that. I hate you. I'm sorry. You nearly sucked the world into hell. I'm sorry. You're a selfish, lying prick. I'm sorry. No wonder Buffy let you go. You know Angelus may have been a sadistic, unfeeling, murderous bastard, but at least he had a personality.
"Of course you are. You're always sorry. Doesn't really change anything though does it. We are who we are. You, me, Dana, nothing will ever fix what we went through, or change who we are because of it. All we can do is try to keep our heads above the water, right? Try to keep the darkness from consuming us. So she goes on a hunt for her tormentor, you, you try to regain some sense of humanity, and me, I try to be Spike. Impatient, brash, loud, and a permanent thorn in your side." Well look at that, is that actually some level of understanding dawning upon his overhanging caveman brow? And all it took was some deranged Slayer choppen my hands off.
"So you're constant insults and obnoxious behavior are just how you cope?" No those are just how I annoy the immortal life out of you. "And there's nothing I can do to change that huh?"
"Wouldn't count on it, mate. I'll make you a deal though. I promise not go all psychotic slayer on you and chop your hands off so long as you don't go all brainless Angelus on me and try to suck the world into hell again."
Relaxing for the first time since…well since I regained consciousness I'm a little surprised and not that I'd ever admit it, relieved to see him sit back apparently planning to stay a bit longer. "For what it's worth, I'll um, try not to run head on into things so much in the future. At least not things concerning saw wielding Slayers."
"As much as I'd like to believe that, it's a little hard considering your track record." Looking at me intently, his next words are quite and rather surprising. "Despite what you think, what I did to you, what you did yourself, you haven't changed. You're still William. Always have been. That darkness, I don't think it can touch you. Not how it did me and Dana at least. Honestly I don't think you'll ever change."
"Would you want me to?"