"Ah I don't know what is wrong with him!" wailed a traumatized father.
It had been two whole hours in the Hokage office where a little toddler named Naruto was crying. The noise was was non-stop, Minato had absolutely no clue on what to do.
He had been trying to calm the tiny infant down with all the techniques and skills he had. He had tried EVERYTHING, and I really mean EVERYTHING.
He checked Naruto's dipper for smelly no-nos, made sure he had his tummy fed with milk. Minato looked if he had some illness, there were no signs of anything that he needed to call the Medic Nins for.
He looked at his son's fingers seeing if there were splinters. The Hokage made sure Naruto's pacifier was there, he brought out thousands of toys to cheer him up, he sung him over one thousand and thirty two different lullabies in different languages.
After fifteen minutes, he tried the airplane which the child loved, made many impressions, rocked Naruto in many different styles.
Seeing how it couldn't be something of the area he checked outside there wasn't an end to ramen, and finally to a last resort he even transformed himself in to Itachi in a dress! (which really didn't help it just made the child cry louder)
The brilliant Yondaime, the legacy of all ninjas, who could defeat a whole deadly army, take on the elite Akatsuki, ward off thousands of evil demons…could not figure out why his own tiny son was crying.
"Mah mah…" comforted Minato, swaying his son back and forth. "Tell Tou-san what is wrong!" Which he received in reply as more wailing.
"Ah! Don't cry Naruto!" said Minato. But finally due the stress and long hour of listening to his son cry, he began to be the verge on tears,while hugging Naruto tighter to his chest. Naruto began crying louder and shoving his father away.
You could see how the Yondaime shifted his moods and elevated to the dramatic daddy stage.
"Ah Naruto, do you not want to spend time with your Daddy anymore? Does Naruto hate his Daddy!"
Minato began bawling too. Two bawling babies in the Hokage office. The sound echoed across the village. Some citizens were in confused shock, thinking they were under attack by the Banshee Ninjas from another nation!
How the mighty have fallen...
Right then and there, Jiraiya had walked into the office for a nice visit, when he was greeted by his this image of his prodigal student crying like a big baby. This didn't really make the teacher's day to see his top pupil like this. Watching a grown man berate himself was pitiful, but watching berate himself to a baby who can't even understand him was pathetic. As well very very sad.
He continued to list his sins to his son, "Naruto hates his tou-san…. IS IT BECAUSE I FORGOT TO PAT YOUR TUMMY LAST NIGHT? I AM SORRY! I WON'T FORGET EVER AGAIN!"
"Naruto, OH how I can get you stop hating me? I know! I'll take you to Ichiraku everyday! How about that? I WILL IGNORE YOUR MOTHER'S WARNING OF SODIUM CONTENT! JUST DON'T HATE YOUR OTOUSAAAAAAN" wailed Yondaime dribbling snot and tears all over his son's face.
"Eh! Naruto you can talk? YOUR FIRST WORDS? Tell me, tell me what you want!"
"You said Tou-san's name! THIS IS WONDERFUL! EVEN THOUGH IT'S NOT PAPA LIKE I WANTED! Even though I was hoping for a higher cuter voice too..."
Yondaime turned his head around to see his former teacher standing there in the door frame, just looking at him with the most I-feel-pity-for-me-for-ever-teaching-this-thing expression.
"Oh hi Jiraiya-Sensei, what do you want?"
"I just came by to visit you…"
"Ah sorry Jiraiya-sensei, I am kinda busy…" said Minato holding up his son to his teacher, as though he needed to prove his point.
"How long has he been crying?" Jiraiya asked bemusedly, taking a peep at the little menace.
"Four hours and forty minutes…"
"Give him to me," said Jiraiya.
As though planned in a old Japanese drama, the immediate action the Yondaime took was backing away as far he could and shielding Naruto from his perverse teacher.
"No! You will not taint my innocent son with your…your…veil "research" hissed Minato covering up Naruto's ears, even though he failed to realize as Naruto who couldn't know the word "apple" would know what they were talking about tits and ass.
"What are you talking about? Just give him here, I am just going to rock him and then he'll shut up," said Jiraiya.
"Sensei, I've tried that already," whined Minato, his stubbornness of giving up his precious child was even a problem with his wife.
"Just give him over here," I thought you couldn't take being a dotting father to being Mother Hen thought Jiraiya.
Yondaime gave the old sage his little bundle of sunshine, his world, his pearl, his cream to the center of the doughnut ...insert very sore core of purpose which most mothers feel with a new born... in Jiraiya's arms and rather reluctantly removed his arms from the child.
"Hello there little Nano –,"
"Naruto, sensei… For God's sake you named the child..."
"Oh right, hello there little Naruto!" Smiled the old sennin, the sage wiggled his finger at the baby's face.
"Sensei it's not going to – ''
Suddenly, there was silence... The little infant stop crying and blinked. Naruto looked up to his new holder, he saw a man with great white hair and red lines on his face. The baby stopped crying and started giggling pulling on the white hair.
"… Sensei it worked!" Minato said in surprise.
"See! I, JIRAIYA. THE HANDSOME MAN THAT CAN SILIENCE A CRYING CHILD WITH HIS LOOKS!"
"Yay my little Naruto is happy now! NOW BACK TO PAPA~" As soon as Minato took the child back within his hands, Naruto began crying all over again. Minato placed Naruto back in his godfather's arms, he stopped. As though to test his theory, took back Naruto once more, Naruto was struggling with all his might to get out. But as soon as he was back in the sennin's arms the crying stopped.
Minato backed away from the two, a dark cloud over loomed over him. He placed a hand over his mouth to stop himself from choking from tears.
"Naruto…have you began to hate your Daddy and replaced him for an old pervert with no sense of dignity or shame…?" he fell to the floor and went into a corner weeping. "For you I'll grow old and make a living by selling porno graphic novels to the ANBU. Later, I'll peep on women for a living even though I'll have no chance with them..."
"OY, DONT TALK ABOUT ME AS THOUGH I AM NOT HERE NAMIKAZE!" The old sage tried to keep his anger at bay, preventing himself throwing the table at Minato's face.
"Trying to hit on Tsunade baba..."
" By the way Minato, when are you going to take off that outfit…" ignoring the last comment, Jiraiya was looking his student with great curiosity.
"Huh this? But Orochimaru-san said it looked great on me!" He puffed up his chest.
"…Of course, he said it would look great... maybe it's the MAIN reason why Naruto is crying…"
"Are you sure….?"
The outfit was very similar the original but instead of the purple bow it was a orange bow. Minato took off the replica of Orochimaru's outfit and went into his normal clothing.
Sure enough, Naruto stopped crying immediately.
"I wonder why Naruto cried over seeing Orochimaru's new outfit?," said Minato while rocking his baby.
"Yeah I wonder." replied his teacher with the most dripped sarcasm.
Naruto stopped crying in his Tou-san's arms, as well Jiraiya runs through towns and every country announcing how he can stop a child's cries with his handsome face. But it is not a happy ending, for Orochimaru was upset Minato stopped wearing his outfit, and claiming him it scared his son.
Which was a pity, Orochimaru simply LOOOOOVED Naruto. I guess he'll have to settle for the grumpy Uchiha newborn who is almost as cute.