Disclaimer: I do not own
Spoilers: Chapitre 120 and up
To become empty
That day in the rain, the day the sun had drawn itself back, hidden behind walls of heavy clouds, Fai became, and would stay for a long time, empty. Like a shell containing nothing but what is necessary for a limited survival, a container for a sick soul striving to stay alive, struggling to heal and once again be what it once was.
He would long since had died if not for a certain person. His mind had reached for the relief of death while the long fingers of his soul had grabbed around what it saw as hope. And he had stayed.
Kurogane had been the only connection he had to the living world, but he was always tugged at by his mind because it would not be at ease. He would lie and lie so he himself would not be taken away by his own tormenting wish. And slowly, like droplets of water falling down from icicles on an early spring morning, his mind had been tempted by the soul and his wish had turned into hope and the hope again transformed into a new wish. And that wish he kept close to his heart because no one was to see it, because if he failed, he would die just of shame, because who knew if the one he loved would ever love him back?
And just that, was his biggest lie…
Kurogane had talked to him with his rough caring voice, kept him close, saved him from disappearing, everything one can wish from a person that represents to you all the good things life can offer. But still, despite all those things, Fai refused to let others see, what he kept right beside his beating heart.
"You don't need to look at me like that," Fai's voice was cold but weak, like it was tired from talking, singing an endless song of things he wanted to do but never did. Like he was an actor in a play he really liked but had grown tired of saying the same lines of, who at first had been so divine to him but now seemed like empty words of a dreamer that could not sleep.
"…," Kurogane looked away. If this world had a sun or not he did now know, but there were at least non this day to brighten the mood of the four of them that once had been so full of hope and joy. Suddenly the sky cracked open and let light snow flakes fall down. The frosted cotton dots swirled down slowly, laying itself out like a carpet of white on the castle walls and floors.
"Kurogane….," Fai's voice was not cold anymore but not warm either. Kurogane looked at him intently. Fai's voice didn't have that fragile tone or the weakness of a broken man and Kurogane knew something was not right. Or perhaps it was right but wrong for him.
"You don't have to pretend anymore. It's ok for you to hate me."
Kurogane didn't move. The shock of the questions quickly transformed into anger. How dared he say he was pretending when he was the one who had been the one to fool everybody?
"Shut up," Kurogane's words was harsh but the mage didn't seem to care. His face remained away from him and his hands was still and calm on top of the railing that was around the balcony they where standing on.
"And you don't need to pretend that your anger is because you care for me. If you do, that's a lie…," this time Fai's words lingered slightly in the air, tossed around with the wind and absorbed in the white snow it seemed to stay and not fade. Like an echo which repeats itself on a high mountain and then slowly creeping to hide in a deep cave. Hidden but not gone.
Again Kurogane felt anger rise in him, weird enough starting in the heart before spreading out across his body. How did he dare to tell him he was the one who had pretended to be someone else and on top of that lie about things he didn't have a clue about? He wanted to run over to the mage and hit him but he stayed back with his throbbing heart and unfulfilled promises.
"Don't call me a liar…," Kurogane leaned back towards the wall his eyes fixated at the mage's back as he tried to unclench his fists.
"You hate me. I can handle that. What I can't handle is that you lie and tell me you don't. It hurts," Fai's voice was that of something in grave pain. The ninja knew he was trying to hide it but the edges of his words was tainted with that tone of a person on the burst of crying. Like every muscle in his body, perfected by each well told lie, kept cool, relaxed and indifferent. But yet his heart had broken and had sent a wave of unimaginable pain through the other man's body and the ninja could see his slender fingers tightening around the now frosted railing.
Slowly, his head turned. The blond strands of hair carefully shifted and a blue eye come into the vision of the ninja. It seemed like time itself froze, like heaven had opened up and swallowed them both, like in the eye of a hurricane. Everything was still and Kurogane could swear he could hear the soft snow land on the stone floor.
"This is me and no one else," Fai turned around and looked him right in the eye. Kurogane felt scared. Like something he could not handle just had been thrown into his lap. Weird enough his fists unclenched but his eyes was still narrowed and his frown would not cease.
"I'm a liar, a fool and a murderer," the last word kept still in the mage's lips before it broke out and into the air. "It's time for you to realize you despise me, hate me…"
Kurogane could not keep his anger bottled up and he ran across the floor and seized Fai by his collar. A smile crept across the mage's lips, for once a true smile and yet it was as painful as the most evil grin of mockery.
"You can't fool me anymore," Fai's smile was so unfamiliar to the ninja that he did not know what to do. His hands tightened and his breath came uncontrolled and left puffs of smoke in the air and when they faded Fai's smile still lingered on his lips and the ninja was still lost. "Don't deceive yourself anymore, there is no reason for that. I know it, you know it," Fai looked away. "Why don't you end it here and make me happy?" Fai looked up with the last word and his eye sparkled in the glints of the snowflakes that fluttered by and down from a heaven which held no sun and only clouds that would not fade.
Kurogane pushed Fai over the balcony. The mage's hands loosened and released their grip around the railing. His head fell back but his eye was careful not to lose contact with the ninja's hard gaze and still, it sparkled like a million stars and his smile was the most beautiful thing Kurogane had ever seen. Slowly, the white snow fell on the mage's face, on his mouth, on his nose, on the eye patch, everything but his eye was marked by the tears of heaven but yet the blue within would not reveal the mysteries of his soul that he had kept hidden for so long.
Kurogane still held Fai's collar and slowly he leaned over the railing, and for the first time on that day a flash of fright ran across the face of the magician. His eye lost its peace and his face its calm and yet Kurogane kept leaning over the balcony until one hand was holding him back and one movement of his body would make them fall down and into the void of which the mage so eagerly wanted to became a part of.
"If dying will make you happy. If dying will make you smile. I'll go with you," Kurogane said, and his hand held tight around the collar of the mage and loose around the railing of the balcony.
"I… I don't want to die of you die too…," Fai stumbled in his words, and his voice was as fragile as the thinnest porcelain and yet Kurogane was not afraid to break him. Not if he himself would break in the process.
"And I don't want to live if you die," Kurogane fingers unclenched around the cold stone railing and he let them slither over its smooth surface and the magician's face remained panicked and his eye did not regain its sparkle, and that second that Kurogane was about to let go, Fai reached out. With cold, numb fingers he took hold of the ninja's hand that was clenched around his own collar. First softly and then stronger he held the ninja's hand, feeling it's warmth washing over to him, across his arm and into his chest.
"I was wrong," Fai smiled warmly.
"So was I," Kurogane pulled Fai back and into the balcony and as they kissed, the sun broke out from the clouds and sent its rays down at them, like a promise of all good things to come and as a sign that the important promises and wishes had been kept and fulfilled.
A/N: I'm not sure how this went Not a lot of action or dialog. Sorry if it was very boring -.-; But I really enjoyed writing it;) This is the first time I write Fai's name like this in a fic. I usually write Fay. I forgot almost all of the time so I had to go through it again and check;) I hope I didn't forget someplace I hope you enjoyed and please leave a review