Title: Curse of Fate: Outtakes
Author: Mistress Nika
Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter.

So as to not screw with the chapter order of my fic, Curse of Fate, I have created this just for outtakes and miscellaneous scenes. These have no place in the actual plot of CoF and are just random, humourous scenes I came up with while working on the main fic. They are not to be taken seriously.

So, without further ado, I present to you, the first outtake from Curse of Fate:

The Wand and The Wizard
Summary: A simple pre-Hogwarts outing to buy Harry and his friends their wands ends in the destruction of the Earth, and an orgy.
Pairings: Harry/Lucius, Harry/Severus, Ollivander/everyone under the age of 12
Warnings: slash, perversion, rampant sexual innuendo and allusion, language, violence, DarkVampireHarry, lack of a coherent plot


An amused Harry, an excited Draco, a drowsy Blaise, a bouncy Pansy, a scowling Theo, a shirking Eleanor, a confused Hermione sans parents, a disgruntled and hankerin-for-Harry-lurvin' Lucius, a disdainful Narcissa, a grinning Sirius, a hassled and a bit homicidal Remus, an exasperated Ollivander and an angry beaver, for some reason, were all crammed into one very tiny, very crowded wand shop.

Hagrid had his colossal face pressed against the glass window, whining pathetically while eyeing the wand displays.

Ollivander grabbed a broom, shouldered his way through the crowd and burst out the door. "Get!" he cried, swinging the broom willy-nilly at Hagrid. "Shoo! Get out of here!"

The half-giant let out a girlish shriek and fled down the Alley, flinging entire groups of people into various store fronts as he ran from the scene.

Muttering irately, the old wandmaker returned to his shop.

Draco, Blaise, Pansy and Sirius had spontaneously started a game of Exploding Snap on the counter. Narcissa was attempting to put ribbons in Eleanor's hair, the girl darting back and forth across the shop in an attempt to elude her. Theo was getting pointers on the proper way to dispose of a corpse from Remus, as Hermione listened in, absorbing the information like a sponge. Harry was leaning against Lucius in a way that was entirely improper for an eleven year old while the man mumbled to himself about the possibility of finding an appropriate aging potion.

"Well," Ollivander said brightly with a rather maniacal grin, frightening each and every one of his customers in the process, "let's get down to business, shall we?"

Everyone took a simultaneous step back.

Ollivander grabbed Draco by the shirtfront, dragging him forward with a lecherous cackle.

"Hee-hee-hee!" he laughed creepily. "Which is your wand hand, my delicious little morsel?"

"Uh, I, well," Draco stammered, eyeing the man warily. "Father?" he whimpered, glancing back over his shoulder in hopes of a rescue.

"You're left handed, Draco," Lucius replied simply, ignoring his son's silent, and not so silent, pleas for help, grabbing Harry by the back of his robes. The blonde man gave a tug and pulled the boy lord back against him, wrapping his arms protectively around his future lover, completely and entirely willing to sacrifice his only son and heir to save his beloved master from the clutches of the vile, perverted Wand Man.

Draco gave a squeak as Ollivander shoved a hard wand into his hand. Thankfully, it was actually a wand and not a wand.

"Ash, dragon heartstring, twelve and a half inches," the man crowed triumphantly, not giving the boy a chance to test it. "You're done. Next!"

A clawed hand, at least Blaise swore it was clawed, grabbed the youngest boy by the robes and yanked him forward, shoving Draco impatiently away.

"Wand hand?" he queried, leaning uncomfortably close as he peered into the boy's eyes.

"Right." Blaise choked. "Right! Right!" he declared repeatedly, a note of desperation in his voice, before Ollivander finally moved away to retrieve a wand.

"Black Walnut, phoenix feather, ten inches. Next!"

Theo was then yanked forward, and promptly kicked the old man in the crotch.

"Blackwood," Ollivander gasped, clutching at his nether regions and handing the boy a wand. "Dragon horn. Eleven inches. Next..." he wheezed uncomfortably.

Hermione slipped forward.

Recovering quickly, almost inhumanly so, Ollivander dropped a wand into her hand, his eyes glued to the top of her head.

"Vine wood, dragon heartstring, ten and a quarter inches," he said, his intense and slightly glassy gaze never leaving her bushy hair. "Next!"

Hermione retreated to the back, muttering things along the lines of, "pervy hair fetishist."

Pansy was next. At the hard and malicious glint in her eye, which reminded Ollivander painfully of Theo, she was handed a wand without delay.

"Zebrawood, Manticore hair, ten inches. Next!"

No one moved.

"Next!"

Harry shifted a bit.

"I said next, damn you! I know someone here doesn't have a wand!"

Lucius refused to let go, clinging to Harry tightly with a glare at the man that clearly said "mine".

Harry pointed to the box he knew to hold his Holly wand. "Just give me that one," he demanded imperiously. "He's not letting go anytime soon."

Ollivander wisely complied.

The moment Harry held the smooth wood in his hand, a look of euphoria came over him. He smiled happily. "At last, I can finally implement my master plan to-"

Alas, no one ever discovered what his master plan was. At the exact moment the wand's magic mixed with his, a localized explosion rocked the small shop. Everyone hit the floor as chunks of Harry flew outward, knocking things over and pelting them with bits of flesh.

When the smoke, and the fine mist of blood, cleared, Harry was gone. Or rather, the Harry they had known was gone and in his place was a handsome young man of approximately twenty. Unruly black hair fell roguishly over radiant green eyes. Ruby red lips quirked upward in a wicked smirk. A pale, deceptively delicate hand brushed back a lock of silky raven hair, giving them all a good luck at the devilishly handsome face of what was unmistakably an older version of their friend.

"Well," he said in a sinfully debonair voice, like luscious strawberries covered in smooth, rich chocolate. "Isn't this an interesting development?"

Jaws dropped. Everyone gawked.

Lucius broke the moment by looking upward and declaring emphatically, "Thank you!"

Harry threw back his head and laughed maniacally in a way no child ever could, no matter how decidedly evil that child was. After his moment of indulgent maniacal laugher, he pounced the blonde man to the floor without delay and proceeded to do unspeakable things to him as everyone looked on in awe.

Several hours later, everyone was still spellbound, watching the two men please each other in ways that shouldn't be physically possible. Fred and George Weasley wandered by on their way to Zonko's, saw the scene and began selling tickets. Unfortunately, this only gathered a larger crowd together for the massacre that followed Harry and Lucius' sexual revelry.

At some point, in the heat of orgasmic bliss, Lucius ended up a vampire. No one knew just how. After sating their sexual lust, at least temporarily, they proceeded to sate their bloodlust on the hapless shoppers of Diagon Alley.

The reign of the new Dark Lord had begun. With his immortal Consort by his side, his army at his back and his closest friends ready, willing and able to do whatever he required, the opposition didn't last long against the ancient and supremely powerful vampire lord.

Everything went smoothly for the first couple hundred years.

Those who stood against him died swiftly, though often painfully. The Dark races united in support of him. All Light wizards went underground, just as the Dark had been forced to live before. To ensure his power over the people would never diminish, he turned each of his loyal friends and Inner Circle at the height of their power. He spent his days in the arms of his lover, or lovers, and his nights ruling his kingdom, with the occasional wild orgy thrown in.

As for Severus? He's still around. He was mostly vampire, after all. He spends most of his time chained to Harry's bed. You see, Harry doesn't like to let either of his lovers out of his sight for long and Severus was just far too independent and hot tempered to be allowed to roam free. He doesn't complain much. He always did have a bondage fetish.

Alas, all good things must come to an end.

Five hundred years later and centuries after the fall of most of the rest of the world, the Americans finally realized something was "going on" and decided to do something about it. So, they nudged their president awake from his afternoon nap, informed him of the situation and advised him on an appropriate course of action.

Two hours later, the Earth exploded in a massive nuclear blast, a last cry of "Save us, G Dubbya!" ringing throughout the galaxy.

Harry and his Dark Court laughed from their colony on Mars, and had an orgy to celebrate.

THE END


A/N: This first outtake is a sort of apology to my readers for not updating in a couple months. I blame Christmas.