By: stupefiedNarutard


NOTES: I GOT MY INTERNET BACK!! Hells yeah. And I wanted to start a new story to celebrate it. This is an ItaNaru Crack. And since I am celebrating, this will be a mostly light hearted fic. Itachi + lighthearted crack equals OOCness, but it'll be good I assure you. Enjoy luffmuffins! I LOVE ITANARU!


Stupefy- v. To stun or amaze profoundly; benumb.

Chapter 1: Think it's Real

I'm a pedophile.

But I sincerely promise that you would be too if you met the student I was after. At first, I had completely no interest in anybody. Or anything for that matter. I could even care less for my little brother, who is an extremely spoiled idiot. Although I'm all he has as a parental figure, I don't pay him much heed, just because he doesn't take the heed.

When our parents seemingly vanished, as the police put it (those jackasses), my little Sasuke turned into a moody emo kid that needs a life...or a blow job, either one would work fine. I had to take care of him since I was older, and even though I was thirteen, I had a job also. So I took over the family Incorporation along with the nice mansion our parents left us.

From there I studied and graduated from college by the age of 16, turning my Incorporation into the best in the world. Quite literally. So Sasuke and I are now set for life and about 20 of the next generations are set as well. I became bored with my 'job' easily and hired a trustworthy team of misfits, who are also ingenious, to help out with it so I could go into a more exciting career. One of them is even a good boy.

Turns out that teaching was good enough for me.

I am now at the age of 21 and I am teaching a bunch of little high school turds who still think that Kyoko breaking up with Takuto is big news. Woohoo! (Not being sarcastic here) Which is how my oddly colored, lifeless eyes fell upon the wonderful carbon based, bipedal life form known as Naruto.

It was the first day of school and I was teaching a group of sophomores for my first period. Of course I made Sasuke feel special by calling him little brother and making all the girls swoon and ramble incoherently about how sexiness runs in the family. They should've seen our grandfather. I'm a sarcastic little bitch, aren't I? Blunt too. I'm so unique. (Not being sarcastic here either)

Anyways, I was teaching a group of sophomores for my first period class (I teach Advanced Art IV honors, which means very, very talented artists are inserted as my students) and after the bell rings, in runs a very flustered blonde haired teen. I roll my eyes at his lateness (is that a word?) before looking at him and telling him that I do not accept tardiness (ahh, there's a better word).

He yells at me. It went like this:

"Oh yah, well, some of us aren't always perfect okay?!"

"Then you aren't meant for this class."

"Fuck you!"

"You'd like to, wouldn't you?"

"In your sickly perverse dreams, you old geezer!"

"Please see me after class."

"Gladly you asshole!"



Yep, very interesting. The fact that I didn't bust him for cussing made lots of people like me already, and my witty comebacks of course drew them in. But really, I hate all these students. One day I might crack and kill them all. Mwahaha. (No, really)

I finally looked up at him and for a second I froze and watched him stomp off to his seat beside a red head boy who smiled freakily at him. The thing that captivated me the most was his as-eyes. His eyes were unmistakably blue and full of everything. I began to think his eyes were part of some unnatural abyss of ... feeling. His face was rounder than most of the boy's faces in the class his age, and it was impossibly smooth, except for the three whisker like scars on each cheek.

His skin was tan and his blonde hair fell loosely down his head, some curving around his face, some sticking out in a weird way that was simply... artistic in itself. He had a fetish with fish nets. And the color orange. Which is weird because I have the same thing, save the orange. Except I like purple nail polish too.

He had a pout and I wanted to eat him. I need to stop hanging out in the teacher's lounge with Jiraiya and Kakashi, they force you to read kinky mansex porn. (Force I say!)

When I called roll I found his name to be Uzumaki Naruto. Since it was the first day, I assigned the students to make a short profile of themselves by making a collage. I sat down at my desk and pretended to be reading, but I silently surveyed everyone with my freakily colored eyes.

Naruto chattered nonstop to the weird guy beside him and I caught only few parts of the conversation (most of it being overrun by the girls talking about Sasuke). I got the words: pissed, ramen, ramen, pissed, bitch, hurts, Gaara, brother, ramen, sleep, and foster home. What I know about Naruto: Blue eyes of feeling, is pissed at me, has an unhealthy obsession for ramen, thinks of Gaara as a brother, something hurts, and he is an orphan.

What I know about Gaara:... ... ...kill.


Class ended and Naruto stayed behind, much to Gaara's discomfort. I was sitting at my desk. The conversation went as follows:

"Still want to fuck me?"

"Gawd you really are a pervert."

"I expect you to have an excuse for being late next time, Naruto-kun."

"Hai, Ita-sensei." He saluted at this point.

"Thank you, Naruto-kun, you are excused to go." And I wrote him a note for his next class. He smiled at me and bowed. I still want to eat him.


Regular PoV, not past tense anymore

The ending bell of the first day back at high school rang annoyingly and many students walked around confusedly in the parking lot looking for their bus number. Uzumaki Naruto, however, began his long descent home by foot. Why? Because last year he was permanently kicked off the bus for fighting. More like defending himself.

His bookbag was already loaded with homework and papers to sign, which he'd most likely not do and forge. He sighed in defeat as he readjusted the damned bag that was likely to break in the next week. Because that's what always happened to him, and usually everyone else nowadays.

His footsteps were the only noise that graced him with it's presence and he sighed again. Maybe just to hear something, or maybe because the day had been tiring. First, he'd gotten almost all classes with the Uchiha bastard; second, he'd been late to Uchiha bastard's perverted brother's class and found the guy to be weird, but cool and; third, Gaara had gotten himself and Naruto into fight... already.

Naruto smirked at the remembrance of the fight, reminiscing the moves he had used against his jock opponent. He felt oddly proud that he had kicked ass and gotten a D-1. Woohoo! (not being sarcastic here) The blonde carried a small sketch pad in his arms that he cradled like a baby. All of his thoughts and creativeness flowed into this sketch pad and no one would see it even if his life depended on it.

"Lose your bus priveleges again, dobe?" a smug voice asked from Naruto's waiting side. The red light in front of them just had to come at this time. Naruto snorted and replied, "I could've, teme."

"You're such a moron." the black haired little ice bitch replied with a chuckle. Naruto rolled his eyes. "Is that all you can call me anymore? Geez Sasuke, I thought I'd actually have to be on my defense." the blonde glanced towards the driver of the car, which was supposed to be Itachi from what he guessed and sure enough, Itachi was looking at him too.

Naruto looked away quickly, his face heating. Why was he looking for Ita-sensei anyboat? Sasuke was glaring at him now and Naruto smiled widely in sarcasm. The light turned green and Itachi took off.

"Can you feel that?" a voice interrupted his staring, a hand snaking around his waist. "Aww shit." the voice continued, a tongue licking Naruto's ear. Suddenly, the body wrenched away and came in front of the poor, tormented boy.

"AW-AH-AH-AH-AH!!" he screamed and was about to continue his awesomely rocking song when Naruto bashed his fist on the man's head, a vein throbbing on his own.

"You're extremely strange, Orochimaru." Naruto observed as the black haired guy held his head and pouted.

"Itai, you're no fun, Naruto-kun! Did you see meh Sasuke-kun yet?" The teen asked. He was a senior with impossibly stringy, yet beautiful hair, with slanted golden eyes. He always wore purple eye shadow and his skin was abnormally grey. But the thing that freaked people out the most was the thing he called his tongue. Naruto shuddered at thoughts that popped into his head. He'd have to stop reviewing Jiraiya-sensei's kinky mansex porn books.

"You just missed him." Naruto replied lazily, beginning to walk again. The senior trailed behind him.

"You wanna stalk him?" Orochimaru asked in excitement, clapping his hands together at his brilliant idea. He seemed like an overenergetic five year old that ate too much candy and had a cup of caffeine... or Michael Jackson on crack. He blinked cutely at the blonde strolling along beside him, waiting for an answer.

"Nah. I'd much rather stalk his older brothe-" Naruto slapped his hand over his mouth and glanced at Orochimaru who was smirking smugly, now looking like a perverted adult that knew too much. He wiggled and giggled insanely and pointed at Naruto.

"You like Itachi!! MUAhHahAhAhhAhhahhLAkjsdfkaljdf!"

"I-..I do not! Sh-shut up, you queer!" Naruto growled, pouncing on his friend who was in a fit of hysterical laughter. Tears began falling down his jovial face as he tried to regain his breathing pattern. Naruto sat on him.

"Aiie! Get up Naruto-kuun! I...can't ... bre-athe!!!"

See, Naruto and Orochimaru hadn't known each other for long. Naruto had just recently moved to Konoha city over the summer and he happened to run into Orochimaru outside of a grocery store. They beat each other up and then went out to eat. They became friends instantly...well...after they both put their grocery carts in the same cart holder without tusseling. Orochimaru quickly learned the ways of Naruto's life and they had spent many a night sneaking out to escape everything.

They both knew what it was like, they were both outcasts.

Naruto looked down at his friend who was currently unconscious and smiled.

"Che, troublesome." A voice said lazily from behind the blonde and he was startled.

"Ano sa, Ano sa, Shikamaru..." Naruto said indifferently, that 'troublesome' line always got him in a bad mood. Shikamaru scratched the back of his neck and looked at Orochimaru.

"Did he try to stalk Uchiha again?"

"Nah, he was just being Oro-kun!" Naruto said cheerfully, setting a hand (well...more like slapping..) on the unconscious man's head. The man groaned and his eyes popped open.

"Well, Naruto, if you want to then..." Orochimaru said coyly and reversed their positions. He pinned Naruto's hands above his head and straddled his hips with his thighs. "You look so delicious like this Naru-kun, how are you still a virgin?"

"I hang around you and people run away!" Naruto yelled, a heavy blush spreading across his tan cheeks. He looked away, embarrassed. Shikamaru smirked at both of his friend's weird qualities. Orochimaru being the perverse senior, Naruto being the cute loudmouth. Shikamaru himself was... ah, too troublesome to decide.

"No, really Naruto. I could just eat you up! Why am I running after Sasuke, if I can have you?" Oro-kun purred into the blonde's ear. Naruto froze and his face turned blue in horror. He shoved Orochimaru off.

"HENTAI!" Naruto yelled, pointing an accusing finger, breath coming out forcefully, face cherry red. "Ican'tbelieveyouyousickoIshouldkillyouand-" and he kept rambling as he stomped off. Shikamaru sighed as he watched Orochimaru pout.

"Che, Troublesome."


"Will you not eat?" Itachi asked, his emotionless mask set firmly in place. The Uchiha manor was inexorably quiet, the sound of silence echoing listlessly through the entire mansion. The only sound was the clicking of the grandfather clock in the dining room, which was where Itachi and Sasuke were currently occupying.

"I'm not hungry." Sasuke said, looking at his food in repulsion.

"Bitch, eat the food." Itachi said, getting up and Sasuke looked at him quickly.


"I said sandwiches are good. Which is what we are having tomorrow night because of your idle excuse for being a pussy."

"What did you call me?" Sasuke asked, standing up as well, slamming a pale fist on the table.

"I said you're being like De Bussy, he did something like you were. I don't think he was an asshole though."

"That's it!" Sasuke said, beginning to run towards Itachi. The teacher almost laughed. The other side of the table where Sasuke sat was a long way away. It looked sad as Sasuke began to lose his breath.

"All I said was that I don't think he liked apples though." Itachi said calmly and left the room. Sasuke crumbled to the floor, out of breath.

The teacher walked down the hall slowly, thinking over his day. His thoughts immediately traveled to a certain blonde haired boy. The way his look changed at the red light made Itachi wonder just what that boy was thinking. He wanted to know. He wanted to know everything.

But how could be obsessed from knowing the kid for one day? How could he want to know everything by just a few argumentative words that were conversed? Why? Itachi was never known to have much feeling for anything, much less everything. Why now?

Itachi frowned, a weird kind of thing for him to do, but he'd been doing a lot of weird things lately. He'd actually thought of smiling. See, most people would think Itachi to be one of those freaky people that stabbed kittens for fun and drank Juicy Juice at 12:31:42 a.m. and then ran around with pants on screaming, "I'm naked!"

Because he didn't smile. Or talk much. And he loomed. LOoMed.

-cough cough-

He stopped abruptly and turned to his immediate left, placing his hand on the silver knob and turning it. He opened his door and closed it behind him, and then he threw himself on his bed and let out a long sigh. Much better.

He turned to his back, his black hair following his movements. Blood red eyes stared at the ceiling in thought. If Naruto is late tomorrow, I'll give him detention with me and get to find out what kind of person he is. If he's like Sasuke, I'll give him a blow job and he'll feel better. I swear Sasuke has a broom handle stuck in his ass.

Itachi turned to the side and closed those red, mysterious eyes; heavier, more serious thoughts clouding his mind. His good mood was promptly thrown out the window, memories of his childhood ruining the rest of his week.

No, Itachi was not all sarcasm and corky humor; he was actually very serious and... dun dun dunnnn, depressed. His foregoings as a child weren't so good and his life hadn't been so sweet as most people thought it could've been, or had been. No one really knew the real Itachi, no one would ever know the real Itachi. And he liked it that way.


sn: T-T I'm so proud of my parodish writing. Does anybody besides myself find ItaNaru sexah as hell and Sasuke to be an ice bitch?!