Disclaimer: I do what I like, just when I like and how I loooove it. But srsly, what a thrill it is to say I'm livin' la vida loca. Okay, okay, so I'm trying to avoid saying Naruto isn't really mine. You've all heard this before, if it was mine... it'd be filled with....



By: stupefiedNarutard

NOTES: This is an ItaNaru Crack. And since I am celebrating, this will be a mostlylight hearted fic. Itachi + lighthearted crack equals OOCness, but it'll be good I assure you. Enjoy luffmuffins!

Omigod I miss my computer so muchuuuchaaaahhhh... Yep. My computer finally died on me... along with all my fics. I'm so damn sad about that. I wish I could get it back and all the work I put into that darn thing. I knew I should've gotten a USB drive. Oh well, no use cryin' over spilled potato soup. At least I have this one on lone. I'm determined to update at least this one chapter!! FUCK JOOOO EBIL COMPY.

I love all the people who were demanding, "MOAR CHAPTERS NAO!!" and making me feel loved. I appreciate it. I'm also listening to that Living in the Sunlight song from Spongebob. Yeah, I still watch that. It makes me laugh like a retard. XD And someone, on one of the reviews, told me they knew a person named Ham. To answer your rhetorical question, I think his mother did want to eat something when he was born. I'm super sorry about the updating once a year thing, but if it makes you feel any better... I re-did this chapter multiple times.

WARNINGS:Sexual references, language, Yaoi, abuse, OOCness. BEEEEP.

Remember peoples, some of this will be serious. I didn't say allof the story wasa gunna bea crack....a...

homie. So, I think this one will be pretty serious. -le gasp- Does this story have a plot?



Stupefy- v. To stun or amaze profoundly; benumb.


Chapter Three: Ass-ass-in.


"And I'll fuck you over you stupid guard! Oh yesss, you'll pay for raising the stupid alarm! Gah damnit! I can't take out my sword, I'ma gonna die!!" a voice called from the living room of Shikamaru's house. The aforementioned lazy genius sighed. Couldn't Orochimaru be a little bit quieter when he played video games?

The boy was currently in his kitchen making dinner for the two of them. His parents weren't home, like always, and Orochimaru felt like staying over. Naruto had said his father wouldn't let him come over, so he was at his own house. Shikamaru flipped the burger over and wondered over the day. It was... boring.

His day has consisted of getting up, taking a shower, eating breakfast, going to class, falling asleep, the bell waking him up, going to his next class, falling asleep, and the whole vicious cycle turned around and around until the last period bell rang and he met up with his weird ass friends.

"Shiiiiiit!! HIDE, HIDE, HIDE!! Get in the stupid haystack!!" Orochimaru screeched and Shika could hear his fingers stabbing at the poor, abused buttons of the xbox controller.

"Alright Orochimaru, what the hell?" Shikamaru walked into the living room, only to be assaulted by a flying controller. You could hear a gasp from Orochimaru.

Shikamaru sat staring at the ceiling. Did the black haired freak that looked like a serial killer version of Patsy Cline just clock him in the head with a game controller? Seriously, did that just happen? He was brought out of his musings by the sound of hissing laughter.

Abruptly, Shikamaru sat up. He kind of looked like Michael Myers when he did that... to Orochimaru at least. The lazy boy's eyes were shining dangerously as he glared at his poor friend who threw on the kicked puppy look in case murder was about to ensue.

"You wanna play Assassin's Creed, huh? I'll show you what an Assassin's Creed is!" Shikamaru shot up and the chase of the century followed shortly.


Naruto could've sworn he heard a shriek that sounded akin to Orochimaru's somewhere in the distance. He shrugged it off and continued to the dishes piled in the sink. He had barely eaten anything, but Hasunuma's friends were currently over, playing card games and doing crack. He heard the tinkle of beer bottles touching one another in a toast.

He hated these nights the most. Hasunuma's friends were a bit rowdy and a lot loud, choosing shouting over civil conversation. The blonde sighed to himself, wondering how many plates 5 people could dirty up in one night. Who were they, Paris Hilton? Wait... did that even make sense?

The blonde set the last dish into the drying rack and wiped his hands with a small, white cloth. The boy tiptoed across the kitchen floor to the door that lead into the living room. Peaking into the room, Naruto viewed the smoke filled area with disgust. Ugh. He could just picture someone coming over right now. Oh, yeah, well, you see... this is an Indian reservation area and they are allowed to smoke all kinds of assortments of drugs while we live here.

Rolling his eyes, the blonde pushed the door open slowly as not to attract attention. He began walking cautiously towards the stairs. He was so close, it was only a few steps from the kitchen door and--

"Ah, Naruto, finished the dishes already?" a voice said loudly, making everyone look over towards him. Fucker.Naruto thought sourly as he turned around and smiled sweetly.

"Ahaha... yeah." he responded quietly, searching out Hasunuma's face from his group of friends. He found it easily enough, it was the only one that haunted him in his thoughts.

"Why, Naruto, won't you come over and meet my newest business partner? We all call him Leader, you should do the same," Hasunuma spoke, standing up and pointing towards his new buddy. "Leader, this is my little bitch, Naruto."

Naruto flinched at the title he was given. Apparently, this was a friend that didn't care about domestic abuse either. He walked quickly over to the table the men were all sitting at and he bowed, "Nice to meet you, Leader-sama."

"Ahh, finally I meet Naruto. The boys talk about you frequently. They said you were a cute little thing. They don't give you enough credit." Leader extended his hand towards Naruto, obviously wanting him to take it. Naruto obeyed the authoritative command.

Leader pulled him over roughly, Naruto falling onto the man's chest. Leader wasn't ugly or repulsive, he was frightening. Even though his face was pretty, his eyes were crazy. Even though his hands were soft, his actions were rough. And Naruto was truly afraid.

Leader sat Naruto on his lap, so that the blonde was sitting comfortably-if he could be comfortable in that situation- on his firm legs. Naruto's face blushed pink, his body posture stiff and uncompromising. The man was slow with his movements, rubbing his nose against Naruto's long, flawless neck.

He continued rubbing his nose along his face, letting his lips brush carelessly on his cheek once or twice. Naruto gulped, Leader's hands caressing the boy's firm stomach. Suddenly, the man latched onto Naruto's neck, sucking on it. The blonde gasped, making a 'k-hhh' sound as the older man licked at the sensitive juncture between his shoulder and neckline.

"Ohohohooo, Naruto's responding well to this, look at that blush on his pretty little face." One of Hasunuma's buddies barked with laughter, making the other men chortle boisterously. Hasunuma narrowed his eyes. Of course, he couldn't do anything about this... this was his business partner, a very lucrative assessment for his establishment.

Naruto held his breath, wishing he had more dishes to do, wishing he could run away, go to Orochimaru, or Gaara, and hide forever. He wish he had enough strength to tell him to stop, but he didn't. He was afraid.

"We'll continue this some other time," the man whispered only loud enough for Naruto to hear and the boy was relieved and terrified at the same time. Some other time? Continue what?

Naruto was pushed off of Leader's lap, blue eyes widening as he tripped over his feet and landed sharply on the ground. "Naruto," he heard from his right, "go to bed, you have school tomorrow." Hasunuma said a bit angrily and Naruto knew it wasn't the last time his foster father would speak to him that night.

----- Next Morning-----

Itachi stared at the coffee maker in the teacher's work room.

It wasn't working.

He twitched in one eye, possibly thinking that would make it spit out the coffee he so desired.

Although he wouldn't ever admit it, Itachi depended on the sweet sensation of caffeine waking his body up. He was reluctantly addicted to coffee.

Another minute ticked by as he glared at the damned machine; not even a drop would come out! He looked to the left...and to the right...Clear.

Grabbing the appliance in his hands, he began to shake it. "Work you goddamn piece of-"

"What are you doing Uchiha-sensei?" Itachi froze in mid-shake, the coffee maker in the air, his face blank. The teacher looking at him was an older woman, clearly appalled at the behavior of the young man in front of her.

"Evidently, I am abusing the coffee maker. Now, if you'd be so kind as to leave me alone, I'd like to abuse it some more so it will give me my energy." Itachi explained, not really caring to lie. Hey, it was what he was doing, was it not?

"It's not even plugged in." the teacher said fearfully, the man with the object in his hands scaring her immensely. He seemed likely to snap at any given moment. She wouldn't be surprised if he decided to shave all of his hair off right then and there and try to serenade her with, "Hit Me Baby One More Time."

Itachi narrowed his eyes and looked at the cord.


The older woman slowly edged away as Itachi set the coffee maker down and fiddled with the plug. Itachi stood back up and turned, ready to thank the lady for pointing out the problem, but she was gone. He shrugged and turned back to watch the liquid filling up the glass container.


"POUR SOME SUGAH ON MEEEHHH, oooh, in the name of looooove!!" Orochimaru wailed as Naruto and Shikamaru followed him from a safe distance. "C'mon, take a bottle, shake it up. Break the bubble, break it uuuup!"

Naruto scrunched his nose up. "Is it me or is he even more hyper than before?" The blonde watched the black haired male use a long piece of grass as a guitar, head banging every five seconds. Orochimaru looked positively deranged...If that was any difference from how he looked everyday...

"He's just excited because he heard a rumor that Kakashi-sensei's class is doing this husband-wife thing."

"Lemme guess, Sasuke's in his class?" Naruto asked with a monotone.

"What else would it be?"

"I dunno, maybe he finally found a way not to look like Ozzy Ozbourne." Naruto said seriously, watching Orochimaru throw a trashcan in his excitement of being a rockstar. This was the most amusing thing Naruto had seen since...the last time he saw Orochimaru.

"Naruto!" the long-tongued man turned abruptly, directing his gaze towards the poor unfortunate soul that was his whisker-scarred friend. "Love is like a bomb, baby c'mon get it on!"

"Shutup Orochimaru, or you'll soon be gone, yeaahh!" Naruto sang in the tune Orochimaru has been using before. The grey skinned man stopped in his passionate serenading and scowled.

"You are just jealous of my beautiful skillz."

"Skillz of scaring people off." Naruto replied, sticking his tongue out and smiling. Shikamaru shook his head, glad the school was coming into his vision. He didn't know if he could fend off the two that were staring each other down.

"I just know that I'll get Sasuke if I ask Kakashi nicely!" Orochimaru announced excitedly, flicking his tongue out. Naruto watched it apprehensively. If it got anywhere near him, he'd scream.

"You mean blackmail Kakashi nicely?" Naruto asked, raising one eyebrow and crossing his arms as the trio made it across the large front lawn of the school.

"No! How is using pictures of Kakashi and Iruka together in the janitor's closet that I was hiding in whilst skipping to make him make Sasuke my partner blackmail?"


"Orochimaru you're a douche." Shikamaru said as he left the group for his locker.

"I love you too Shikamaru!" Orochimaru smiled and turned to look at Naruto. "Hey, you need more makeup, buddy, I can still see some cuts and bruises on your face and neck."

Naruto frowned. "Really? I thought I got it all. Okay, I'm going to the bathroom then. See ya later."


"Yes, Severu-- Orochimaru?"

"I can help you if you'd let me." the golden eyed teen stared at Naruto for a long moment, waiting for a response.

"We've talked about this you baffoon." Naruto smiled sweetly and took off.


If there are gods out there, surely they are laughing at me. First it was that coffee-maker, that I'm sure is in cahoots (did I just say that word?) with someone that might be a person who would be in cahoots with another person so that they could mess up my already messed up life... Then it was that horrifying cat that reminded me of Zetsu as he gnawed on my leg... the cat, not Zetsu. Then I spilled chocolate milk all over the principal, Tsunade's, white blouse (actually that was amusing because half of the teenage population mysteriously had to make a trip to the bathroom with their hands covering their private areas)... Now I'm currently being used as a prop in Kurenai's Cosmetic's class, which is the last class of the day.

She's applying mascara to my "really girly eyelashes," as she enjoys calling them. I suppose she is right, though, for I inherited my mother's lashes. Sasuke got Fugaku's. Smug fool.

I guess it's okay, though, because I can see Naruto's blushing face. When I found out he was in cosmetics, it made me wonder... Was Naruto gay? He took art... he didn't seem to show any interest in the female population...(in fact, hedidn't mysteriously have to use the bathroom when I purposefull- accidentally spilled milk on Tsunade.)

Isn't that all the more reason to boink him?

Wouldn't he enjoy that?

I suppose Naruto is blushing for the reason that he's been found out. Or it could be the fact that my girly eyelashes are too much for him to handle. God, I'm a beast.

Anyways, Kurenai is rambling now. Wait, is she grabbing lipstick? I said my eyelashes only.


What the fuck is he doing in here? And... why is allowing himself to made-up? Is he gay? I bet he's gay. That's why he leers at me. And why he wears nail-polish. I just thought he was one of those emo people. The one's that freak up their eyes to make them look mysterious and wear nail polish because somehow that makes them cool...


But, fuck, he found out I'm in this class and he'll use that as an excuse to try and boink me because he'll think I'm gay! But maybe I am gay. Tsunade's wet t-shirt didn't even effect me. Damnit, I don't want to be gay because then I'll turn into what I call Sasuke everyday.

Le Sigh.

How unlucky is this day? First it was Hasunuma, then it was that lady that ran into me rambling something about Britney Spears and coffeemakers, then it was that weird cat that tried to gnaw my leg off... and then I have to hear about how Orochimaru is Sasuke's husband... or wife... What a long day...


"Now, for the application of the lipstick. Lipstick isn't that much in style these days, so you can only pull it off for really fancy occasions, or if you're me." Kurenai smiled as her female class and Naruto laughed at her small joke. She turned to Itachi, who had his eyes narrowed dangerously, as if saying, 'Don't you dare marr my badassness with makeup.' "Itachi here is so nice for letting us use him. His face is absolutely perfect for makeup... It's like a smooth baby's bottom." Naruto burst out laughing from his spot in the middle of the classroom.

'Too late,' his eyes said, weeping.

Kurenai grabbed a shade of deep red, darker than her own. "This is the classic, chic night look. Remember class, 'Night isn't bright, but day is gay!'" Naruto grabbed his stomach as he guffawed loudly. "Like Itachi-sensei!"

Some of the girls gasped at Naruto's brazenness. Was he trying to get killed, or was that murderous aura from Itachi not even penetrating Naruto?

Haha, Itachi...penetrating...haha... Naruto...NO! This was a life and death situation...not to be treated lightly.

Kurenai glared at Naruto. Make-up was serious... if Naruto didn't feel that way... well...

"Naruto! Thanks for volunteering!"

"Ahahaha- huh?" the look of confusion on his face was priceless.

"You'll be the day example."

"Or should she say gay example?" Itachi said from his stool, evil glint in his eyes. The girls in the class giggled in their... girliness.

"B-but I didn't eve-"

"Now." Kurenai said dangerously and Naruto squeaked as he scampered to the stool beside Itachi. Kurenai turned around, the evil bitch, to inform the class what shades she was using for Itachi and she turned around and started to apply the make-up.

"Really, girls, if we didn't have such horrible hormones our skin would be like this too. Itachi and Naruto's faces are perfect for this demonstration. Such pretty structure." The girls kept giggling gir...e..ly. "I'm applying a light bronzer to Itachi's pale skin to help match with his darker lipstick. He's very pale and, even though dark can go with pale, you don't want to be too pale or you'll look dead next to the lipstick." Naruto shuddered. That was him next...


"What... the... hell?" Shikamaru asked as Naruto met up with him after school.

"Don't ask." Naruto grumbled, trying not to attract much attention, but failing epically.

"You look like Orochimaru."

"Oh god, it's worse than I thought."

"Shika, Naru--woah!" Orochimaru stopped in his tracks, mouth open, staring unapologetically at Naruto. He was silent for a little bit until he suddenly burst into spontaneous chatter. "OmgNarutoyoulooksocutewheredidyougethatshadeitmatchesyoureyesperfectlyandIcan'tbelieveyoufinallytookmyadvice-"

"Kill me."



"Wait a sec... wait a minute. Oh my god you guys!" Naruto yelled, making people around him chortle. Damn, he just sounded so gay... Ohmygodyouguyyyyysss! He could slap himself! He lowered his voice to a whisper. "You guys have to help me get this stuff off. Who knows what Hasunuma will think or do when he sees this!"

Orochimaru stopped his babbling quickly, glancing at Shikamaru who nodded. "Sure thing." the lazy genius confirmed, turning and walking off. Orochimaru pulled Naruto along to the washroom.... even though he looked so darn gorgeous. He'd have to sneak a picture...


"You look gay." Sasuke said, lip curling in disgust.

"You are gay." Itachi replied, face stoic as ever. He splashed water on his face, rubbing softly... after all, he didn't want his flawless face marred by early wrinkles... besides the huge ones running from the corner of his eyeballs to the middle of his face. That he got from Fugaku and stress. Why couldn't he just inherit everything from his mother?

"What'd you say?"

"I'd like some play today, what do you say?" Itachi turned to his little brother, wiggling his eyebrows, face still expressionless. It was like his face was stuck like that. Who could ever take him lightly?

"You're gross."

"Your face is gross."

"Cause that was mature."

"And you smell like manure."

"What the hell is wrong with you?"

"Asian flu."

"Fucking stop!"

"I'm not a cop."

"I'm leaving, asshole."

"Don't let the door hit you on the way out." Sasuke stared at Itachi for a minute, before turning away and stomping off. Itachi sighed. What a long day. Kakashi-sensei had flirted with him in the teacher's lounge after he'd left Kurenai's classroom. And he'd noticed something.

Naruto had been limping the entire day. He looked as if he was in pain if he tried to walk too fast. There were multiple alternatives to that suggestion... and Itachi didn't like any of them. One of them made him jealous, the rest just made him pissed. Of course, he wouldn't admit that to anyone very soon.