Title: My deadly Sin
Pairing: Atobe & Oshitari
Disclaimer: Prince of tennis does not belong to me.
Warning: This story is primarily focus on eating disorder and its symptoms.
A.N. LAST CHAPTER !!! I decided to include the epilogue along with this last chapter so I won't leave you guys hanging at the end. Beta by Daisy.
My deadly Sin
Chapter 12: Regret
They always say that they're concerned about me, about me health, when all they want to do is control me. They want to pin me down and force-feed me with lies, with what they call love. Like prisoners everywhere, all I have left is the power to refuse.
"Atobe-kun, how are you feeling today?"
I glanced over at the nurse with a name that I couldn't recall and smiled. I don't want to talk anymore. Words had finally lost all of its meaning to me. I haven't spoken a single word since I had been here. This place was so painfully peaceful and quiet that I had forgotten what noise felt or sounded like.
I smiled weakly when I recalled the sensation of the blade. I didn't plan it. I didn't expect it to happen. I was lying in my bathtub and then something shiny caught my eye. Maybe it was a sign; I took it as a sign from god to help me stop this vicious cycle once for all.
Without any facial expression…
Without any knowledge of my action…
I walked towards the sink…
I walked toward the shining blade…
I could hear the dripping of the water droplets from my cold, wet body as I trailed myself back toward the bathtub holding the icy cold blade in my hand.
I placed a gentle kiss on the blade and closed my eyes.
I felt nothing.
Tears came down my cheeks when I realized that I couldn't feel any sensation. Why couldn't I feel the pain that I was inflicting on myself? I pressed harder. I pressed deeper.
My body felt so cold and numb.
But I couldn't feel any pain at the time.
I lifted my hand above the bathtub and watched as my own blood slowly contaminated the purified water. I watched closely as my own blood turned the pool of clear water into a pool of bloody water.
Drop by drop.
My blood was making its way in to water.
Little by little, the water became red and dark. My last thought before I entered the eternal darkness was, "Would Yuushi cry for me like he did for Gakuto?"
So I finally stooped to this, so weak and pitiful that I wanted to end my life. I stared at the plate of food and mindlessly picked up pieces of grapefruit and put it in my mouth.
I was ordered to finish at least one quarter of everything on the plate. Everything was carefully proportioned, picked and made with the best ingredients, but learning to eat still bothers me.
Learning to live.
Learning to forget.
Learning to admit that I have problem.
Three hours later, I left the room after I finished exactly the required amount of food. In the middle of nowhere I found myself thinking about Mukahi Gakuto.
Gakuto, the man that Yuushi loved. The investigator that I hired was able to compile a very thorough report on him. He was everything that I wasn't.
Gakuto would have been my age if that incident hadn't happened. It was easy to understand why Gakuto was such an important part of Yuushi's life. They would have been so happy together if he had never tried to find his mother.
The summer before Yuushi moved back to Japan, Yuushi promised Gakuto that they would find his mother together. Gakuto did find his mother, and maybe it was better if they didn't. From the first glance, both Gakuto and Yuushi knew that the woman in the hospital bed was Gakuto's mother. There was no denying it; Gakuto was the splitting image of his mother, like his dad had always said.
Unfortunately, when they found Gakuto's mother, she was on the verge of death and in need of a bone-marrow transparent. I was stunned when the selfish woman begged Gakuto to help her, knowing the dangers of the procedure.
Yuushi was frustrated and angry that such selfish mother existed. Yet, Yuushi also knew that there was nothing that he could do that would change Gakuto's mind. Gakuto told Yuushi that he would be back in one piece and that he wouldn't be able to live with himself if he had left his mother to die.
He fought to live because Yuushi was waiting for him, but sometimes that is not enough. The procedure was successful but Gakuto's frail body couldn't take the surgery and wasn't able to recover. I know Gakuto must have fought very hard to live… but why did I live? Ironically, I lived when I know that no one was waiting for me. Maybe god was a sadist at heart.
Gakuto, so full of energy and life even till the last ounce of it was sucked out of him. He was someone that I could never become or dream of becoming.
Simply because I never grasped the concept of living.
"Welcome Atobe-kun, we have some fresh art supplies at your request." Commented a nurse.
I nodded and took my seat near the window. What is the real concept of living? I am so tired of fighting this losing battle. Mindlessly, I picked up my paintbrush and stared at the empty canvas in front of me.
In my head, I saw an annoying smirk and I smiled.
A splash of paint.
A splash of color on a blank canvas.
A splash of life that I had always craved.
She paints a perfect picture
She tells a flawless lie
She sings a song of beauty
A haunting lullaby...
Meanwhile, Oshitari was staring at Atobe from the outside silently as he talked to one of the nurses.
"It is so sad seeing Atobe-kun like that." Commented one of the nurses.
Not taking his eyes off Atobe, Oshitari asked, "How is Atobe Keigo doing so far?"
"I am sorry but that information is purely confidential and we cannot discuss any of this with you." Stated the nurse.
"I am here at the request of Master Keigo's parents. I think everything will be cleared up once you read this letter from Master Atobe." Replied Oshitari politely.
Meanwhile Oshitari was thinking, "I could feel my palms sweating, but I need to hold myself together and go through with the plan that Kenji-san had come up with for me."
Oshitari remained still till the nurse gave him a comforting smiled and said, "It is nice to know that Atobe-kun's parents care so much. Atobe-kun hasn't spoken a single word since he first arrived here. Instead he chooses to communicate with others by a pad and a pen. I hope you can stop by more often because the only thing that he ever wanted was warmth."
Oshitari nodded and walked into the room where Atobe was sitting. From the back, Oshitari was stunned by how fragile Atobe had become. In the pale white hospital attire, Atobe look so pure and out of this world. Slowly, Oshitari walked closer and embraced him from the back.
Oshitari felt warmth in his arms and tears started swelling up in his eyes. Oshitari thought, "I don't know what I would have done if Keigo had left me too."
"Yuushi?" Whispered Atobe in a hoarse voice.
Oshitari's heart ached when he remembered that the nurse had told him that Atobe hadn't spoken since he had first arrived here. Oshitari glanced at Atobe's canvas and felt relief for the first time in ages.
I finally walked out of my own world made up of black and white.
I finally embraced color into my life and found a reason to live.
I turned to Yuushi and handed him a piece of paper. On the paper it said:
There are things in life that once you lose them, you will never be able to regain them again. I have caused the people around me to have many painful memories. I have hurt them. I am at fault. It must have been painful for you to lose the one that you loved. It must have been lonely for you to watch the one you love fade away and feel helpless.
For that I am sorry.
I am sorry that you had to watch Gakuto pass away.
I am so very, very sorry.
Yuushi wiped away the tears in my eyes. Tears that I didn't realize was there had started making its way down my cheeks.
Yuushi smiled and said, "Don't be, because I still have you."
We turn skeletons into gods, and look to them as if they might teach us how not to need and feel.
I was wrong. This was the first time that I had ever been so glad to admit that I was wrong. I was never alone. I was foolish to chase after love and affection that was never there in the first place. I was selfish to ignore the love and affection that had always been there in the first place. God had been fair. My parents had never loved me but I still have Toru-san, Kenji-san and Yuushi.
I was blessed. I was blessed with a second chance to live. I was blessed with a second chance to start over.
Higher and higher.
I smiled as the wind brushed against me. It had been months since I had been back in the same playground that we met years ago. I found what I had always been looking for. I waited for my mom to show up but instead I found Yuushi.
At that time I didn't know I was lost. Foolishly, I lived in solitude and resentment for years. Selfishly, I caused the people around me so much pain and unnecessary suffering.
Higher and higher.
I felt like I was flying as I jumped off the swing.
"Welcome home, Keigo." Whispered Yuushi as he caught me in his arm.
I like the sound of that.
A.N. I really want to say "thank you" to everyone for reading and reviewing this fiction. I was feeling bit uneasy when I started writing this story because of the topic. I had started this fiction because I was frustrated at all the misconceptions that people had toward eating disorder patients. The pain, suffering and blood behind each individual's story were enough to make anyone's blood run cold. I don't know when but somewhere along the line I had found peace in writing this story.
I only hope that I had help clear some of the myths regarding these unfortunate souls and that "we are not just stupid girls who had nothing better to do than starve ourselves." There is so much more to it then being thin and wanting to make so little of ourselves. Along the way, we lost part of ourselves and started to crave invisibility. In the end, being thin was just a lie that we tried so hard to believe and achieved because maybe what we truly crave was the ability to disappear. I had wished that I never existed because the world would still go on and function without me.
Finally, not all patients were able to find the road of recovery and even with recovery many patients end up relapsing. Yet, I can't help but end this story with a happy ending because that is all I ever want for "stupid people like me."
To find a home.
To feel warm.
To find a peace of mind.