Note: Wow, I can't believe all the reviews I received from that gag chapter. And not a flame among them! That was the real shock, actually. I'm glad you all enjoyed the chapter, even though it ended up as almost utter nonsense. Then again, utter nonsense is my specialty, after all. Oh yes, and I extend my gratitude to Enma Ai, who pointed out some mistakes in the earlier chapters. Thank you, Enma Ai! Oh, and since everyone loved the false chapter, I have decided I'll leave it up for your enjoyment. On a different note, I have some good news and some not-so-good news regarding future updates. First, the good news is I no longer have my evil English teacher who assigned back-breaking loads of homework! Yes, I now have a very nice English teacher who assigns only reading homework, although the evil teacher still haunts my nightmares. Just the other day I dreamt that there had been a mistake in my schedule, and I was reassigned to the evil teacher who, on the first day back, assigned 65 questions and a three-page essay due the next day. I think I was nearly screaming when I woke up… The bad news is I have recently become insanely addicted to the popular online role playing game World of Warcraft. Lately, I've just been sitting on my couch for hours on end playing that wonderful game, and obviously I cannot write while I am playing. So, that may add to any tardiness in my updates. Sorry in advance! Oh, also, I would like to mention that I will generally continue to refer to Raito using masculine pronouns, since his psyche and general mindset are those of a male. In other words, he still thinks of himself as a guy, so a guy he shall be! Now, on with the REAL chapter four!

Disclaimer: I don't own the rights to Death Note (yet), but I do own my original character, Amoris, and the plot to this story.

Summary: Raito becomes a woman as the result of a powerful goddess' boredom.

Chapter Four: Oh, Hell No…

Quote of the Day: "I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French toast during the Renaissance." -Steven Wright

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Up in Heaven, Amoris was having a most difficult time trying not to collapse into a laughing heap on the forest floor. Really, the look on poor Raito-kun's face was absolutely delightful. Reigning in her self control, Amoris daintily wiped the tears of laughter from her eyes with a slender finger while simultaneously using her other hand to summon a crystal goblet of cool, sweet water to moisten her dried throat. Sipping her drink slowly, she thought idly that, despite the sheer hilarity of the situation, she could not help but feel rather slighted at the implication that she was careless enough to leave a video record of her actions. But it was not really their fault, she thought reasonably, since not only were they poor mortals, but they also had no idea that she had had a hand in the occurrence, or even that she existed at all.

Draining the last drops of water from her glass, Amoris offhandedly dismissed the goblet and settled back on her soft patch of emerald green grass, her hazel eyes settling back on the mirror before her. Well, Detectives, she thought with an amused smile. What will you do now?


Raito stared in mute horror at the screen, his eyes wide. Suddenly, all the energy seemed to leave him and he slumped down in his chair, allowing his forehead to thump against the surface of the desk. "There's nothing there," he mumbled softly, his words partially muffled by the desk. "I've somehow become a girl, and we have no clues for who did it or why it happened…"

"Maybe Kira did it," Matsuda suggested brightly. His face flushed when the other members of the investigation team turned their attention to him (save Raito, who was still face-down on the desk).

"How do you figure that?" Aizawa asked skeptically.

"Well, um…" Matsuda stammered, fidgeting nervously. "It's just I thought that, well, maybe Kira has powers outside of the notebook's ability to kill. You never know," he added abruptly, looking up at them all with a rather stubborn look.

"But if Kira had other powers all along, why didn't he use them?" Soichiro asked. "And why show them now, of all times?"

"Maybe it's because we got possession of the death notebook," Ide suggested. "He must be sweating now that we know how he's killing. Maybe he's just trying to return the pressure by telling us he doesn't depend on the notebook for his power."

"Hm…" Soichiro and Aizawa were quiet as they mulled this over. Mogi was just quiet in general.

"I believe Ide-san and Matsuda-san have a good point," Ryuzaki spoke up abruptly, gaining the attention of the other task force members, before falling silent and continuing to stir sugar into his already sweetened tea.

"Well…?" Soichiro prodded gently, as impatient as the others to hear the musings of the legendary detective.

Ryuzaki gave no indication of having heard, looking up only after at least five minutes and ten more sugar cubes. "So far, we have determined the death notebook to be Kira's means of murdering his victims," he stated, pausing as the other members nodded. "A notebook with the ability to kill is in itself extraordinary and miraculous, yet, from what we have learned from the notebook recovered from Higuchi-san, I believe I can safely say that killing is its only ability and, while it is stated that circumstances leading to the victim's death can be manipulated up to twenty-three days in advance, they can only be manipulated within reasonable parameters. Turning a man into a woman in the course of half an hour without my noticing does not fall within reasonable parameters."

"Um…" Poor Matsuda was having trouble following Ryuzaki's reasoning. "And this means what, exactly?" He shrank under the unblinking gaze the insomniac detective turned his way.

"It means," Ryuzaki explained patiently, "That while we can most definitely rule out the death note's involvement, its mere existence means we should not rule out the existence of another object with paranormal abilities, nor that such an object may already be in the possession of Kira."

"Um…" Matsuda was really sweating now. "Forgive me if I'm mistaken, but isn't that pretty much what I said a few minutes ago?"

Ryuzaki looked at him mildly, raising his non-existent eyebrows in surprise. "Of course it is. I was merely explaining why your suggestion was, in fact, a reasonable possibility."

"Oh… Right…" Matsuda said faintly. Under his breath he muttered, "Why couldn't he have just said I was right and left it at that?"

"But that doesn't explain why Kira would decide to turn my son into my daughter!" Soichiro broke in, ignoring Matsuda's mutterings. "Besides the question of how he found out who is working on the investigation team, why would he choose to change Raito, out of all of us?"

"A good question indeed, Yagami-san," Ryuzaki said thoughtfully. He sipped from his tea and made a face before adding a few more sugar cubes for good measure. "Why is Raito-kun the only one transformed? It seems rather… convenient, no?"

Beside him, Raito's body tensed noticeably at Ryuzaki's last comment; he snapped upright and whipped around to glare directly into the famous detective's innocently wide-eyed stare. "Don't tell me you still suspect me of being Kira!" he said incredulously.

Ryuzaki took a deep drink of his tea, not for one second taking his unblinking eyes off Raito. "All right, I won't tell you."

Raito threw his hands in the air, exclaiming, "I don't believe you! Besides the fact that there's overwhelming evidence I'm not Kira, why the hell would I ever turn myself into a girl?!"

Ryuzaki finally laid his teacup on the table so his hands would be free to defend himself from any threat to his physical well-being thrown at him by the fuming teenager before him. "First of all, your transformation from a male to a female has already proven to be an efficient distraction from our main goal of tracking down and capturing Kira, since we have now wasted a full half-hour that could have been better spent investigating."

"Wow, thirty freakin' minutes," Raito muttered sarcastically under his breath.

"When catching a global mass-murderer with the ability to kill from afar with only a face and a name, every second counts, Raito-kun," Ryuzaki replied coldly before continuing. "Secondly, there is a possibility that your sudden and dramatic gender change is part of an attempt to gain more privacy from the twenty-four hour surveillance. After all, since we are still chained together and I remain a male, decorum dictates that a female should have privacy when changing or bathing." Ryuzaki's mouth quirked upwards in a dry smirk. "I'm afraid that, in this respect, the plan has failed."

"Okay, first of all, this is in no way my doing, and I am not Kira!" Raito seethed. "And secondly, I bet you won't take the 'cuffs off because you WANT to see me naked! You sick perverted bastard!"

That wiped the smirk off Ryuzaki's face in a flash. "I am NOT doing this because I want to!" he denied almost heatedly, irked at the suggestion that he was a pervert.

Raito angrily opened his mouth to retort, his face flushed with fury, but Ryuzaki was spared whatever verbal abuse in store for him when the doors flew banged open and an upset Misa flew into the room and flung herself at Raito, the force of her lunge knocking both to the floor. She sat in his lap, burying her face in his shoulder and crying.

"Oh, Raito!" She sobbed. "Misa had a nightmare! She dreamed something awful happened to her dear Raito-sama, and she would never be able to see him again! Wah! It was so scary!"

"Uh, there, there…" Raito said, awkwardly patting the distressed woman on the back in an attempt to comfort her, even though he would rather have shoved her off of him and jumped in the shower. She was getting snot all over his pajamas, after all.

Slowly the distressed woman calmed down, her full-bodied sobs giving way to quiet sniffles and hiccups. As she regained her composure, she slowly became aware of her surroundings; and, more importantly, she became aware of the shape of the body to which she clung so desperately. She pulled away enough to look at her boyfriend, her large blue eyes growing wider as they traced the delicate features and womanly curves. She stood up and backed away in horror, one hand covering her mouth and the other clutching her chest.

"R… Raito-sama?" She whispered, tears once again gathering at the corners of her eyes. "Is… Is that really you?"

"Misa," Raito said, pulling himself to his feet, "Stay calm. Don't make a scene--"

But he was too late. Horror soon gave way to fury, and the unstable actress took out her pain on the only person she was sure could have committed such a crime as to turn her perfect boyfriend into a woman. Catching sight of the poor, unfortunate raven-haired detective, Misa abruptly lunged at him, her small hands wrapping themselves around his neck and shaking.

"What have you done to my Raito-sama?! What have you done to him, you sick freak?!" She screamed at him.

His air supply cut off and his face turning blue, Ryuzaki was unable to do anything more than wave his arms around weakly in an attempt to dislodge her, much less formulate a coherent reply. Luckily, Raito came to his rescue, prying his unstable girlfriend off the detective. Secretly, though, Raito was tempted to just let her loose on the famous detective. Ryuzaki would be torn to shreds and Misa would be arrested for assault and battery, thereby eliminating two thorns in his side at once. However, such an outcome was just not meant to be. Yet. "Misa! Misa-chan, calm down! Ryuzaki didn't do anything to me!" he yelled over her screams. "Now let go of him!"

Misa reluctantly released her death grip on Ryuzaki's windpipe, leaving him to gasp and sputter for breath. She looked up at Raito (since even with his reduced height he was still several centimeters taller than she), her blue eyes watery and shining with concern. "But how could this happen to my Raito-sama?" she asked in a small voice.

Raito rubbed his hand tiredly across his eyes. "I don't know. We were trying to figure this mess out ourselves when you came in," he answered. He felt drained all of a sudden, and sat down heavily on the couch, Misa not far behind. "Is there any coffee left?" he asked suddenly.

Wordlessly, Mogi went into the kitchen, returning a few minutes later with a steaming mug of black coffee, which Raito took gratefully. "Thank you," he said, quickly taking a gulp of the life-giving drink. Mogi nodded and went back to stand at the edge of the group.

Feeling refreshed, Raito glanced over at the still slightly wheezing detective next to him. "Are you okay, Ryuzaki?"

Ryuzaki nodded a few times, taking a gulp of air and shaking his head to clear it. "I am all right, Raito-kun." He said. "I appreciate your concern." To Misa he said, "That is quite a grip you have, Misa-san."

Misa blushed and looked down at her hands, which were folded in her lap. Suddenly she looked up again, as though something had occurred to her. "Hey, Raito-sama?"

"Yeah?" Raito asked before taking a drink of his coffee.

"If you're a girl now and I kiss you, does that make me a lesbian?" Misa said slowly.

There were mixed responses to that question: Raito spat out his coffee in shock, Soichiro choked and turned pale, Ryuzaki's eyes bulged slightly, and Matsuda had a suspicious nosebleed.

"Hell no!" Raito shouted. "I'm not a real girl, and I certainly don't plan on remaining in the body of one!"

"That's good to hear!" Misa said happily. Suddenly another thought hit her. "Oh wait…"

"What now?" Raito asked cautiously; he had a feeling he didn't want to know.

"If you have a girl's body, even if it's only for a little while, you're gonna need some new clothes to fit it." Misa looked Raito over with an expertly trained eye, leaning in to give his chest a little poke. "Raito-sama won't fit into of any of Misa's clothes," she said somewhat unhappily; she hated to admit it, but her boyfriend's new body had a bigger bust than she did. It was a bit of a blow to her ego, but she was going to make sure he was properly dressed no matter what. "And you can't continue to wear the clothes you're wearing now. So," she brightened up a little, "I'm going to have to take you shopping! Yay! Misa knows the cutest lingerie shop!"

As Misa continued making plans for her shopping trip, Raito felt his stomach sink to somewhere near his feet, and the coffee suddenly did not seem enough. Especially when he remembered that Ryuzaki would not remove the handcuffs, and he would be forced to try on bras and panties in front of him. 'Oh, hell no…"

Note: Well, there's the real chapter four! Next chapter: Raito, Ryuzaki, and Misa go to La La Lingerie! Yay! I bet that will be fun… for the readers. I hope this chapter was up to your expectations! It's my longest yet at six whole pages! Anyway, please review! Was it good? Bad? Are there any errors, grammatical or otherwise? I don't think I edited this too thoroughly, but it's late, I'm tired, and I'm cold. As always, flames are welcome and will be used to heat my bedroom. My space heater just doesn't cut it.