Ok, do you all remember that lame test Lockheart gave Harry and his class during their second year??!! Well, being the marauder fan that I am, I've decided to make a fanfic of what the marauders would of put for answers if they had a teacher like that… Since we can't use Lockheart, we'll call their Teacher 'Professor Loveme', now, just imagine that he has the EXACT same attitude that Professor Lockheart had…. And wrote the same books.


The rest of the class came clattering in and Remus, Peter and Sirius sat down on either side of James. When the whole class was settled, Loveme cleared his throat loudly and silence fell. He reached forward, and picked up Frank Longbottom's copy of 'Travels with troll's' and held it up to show his own, winking portrait on the front.

'Me', he said, pointing at it and winking as well, 'Goldie Loveme, Order of Merlin, third class, Honorary Member of the Dark Force Defence League and five times winner of 'Witch weekly's' Most-Charming-Smile Award – but I don't talk about that. I didn't get rid of the Bandon banshee by 'smiling' at her!'

He waited for them to laugh; a few people smiled weakly.

'I see you've all bought a complete set of my books – well done.", "As if we had a choice!" Sirius hissed. "I thought we'd start today with a little quiz. Nothing to worry about – just to check how well you've read them, how much you've taken in….'

When he had handed out the test papers he returned to the front of the class and said, 'You have thirty minutes. Start – NOW!'

James, Remus and Sirius looked down at their papers and read:

What is Goldie Loveme's favorite colour?

What is Goldie Loveme's secret ambition?

What, in your opinion, is Goldie Loveme's greatest achievement to date?

On and on it went, over three sides of paper, right down to:

When is Goldie Loveme's birthday, and what would his ideal gift be?

Half an hour later, Loveme collected in the papers and rifled through them in front of the class.

'Tut, tut – hardly any of you remembered that my favorite color is lilac. I say so in 'Year with a yeti'. And a few of you need to read 'weekend with a werewolf' more carefully –', 'You'll never catch me reading that… the pictures… nightmares for months…' remus mumbled, '- I clearly state in chapter twelve that my ideal birthday gift would be Harmony between all magic and non-magic peoples – thought I wouldn't say no to a large bottle of Ogden's Old Firewhisky!'

He gave them another rough wink. Peter was now staring at Loveme with an expression of disbelief on his face; Remus, Sirius and James were shaking with silent laughter. Lily, on the other hand, was listening to Loveme with rapt attention, and gave a start when he mentioned her name.

'… But Miss Lily Evans knew knew my secret ambition is to rid the world of evil and market my own range of hair-care potions – good girl! In fact –' he flipped her paper over, 'full marks! Where is Miss Lily Evans?'

Lily raised a trembling hand, while James called out, "Woo Hoo!! THATS MY GIRLFRIEND!'. Lily Shot a look of utter hatred at him before turning back to Professor Loveme.

'Excellent!' beamed Loveme, 'quite excellent! Take ten points for Gryffindor! Class dismissed!' Everyone left quite fast, the marauders leading the heard.

That evening, Loveme sat down to read the all the answers. Four hours later, Loveme had finished, he frowned at three copy's he had put aside, bearing the names:

James Potter.

Sirius Black.

Remus Lupin

All of which, seemed to be mocking him.


Name: James Potter. Not potty, POTTER.

1.What is Goldie Loveme's favorite colour?

-I dunno

2.What is Goldie Loveme's secret ambition?

- how should I know?

3.What, in your opinion, is Goldie Loveme's greatest achievement to date?

- The day he left his mothers house

4.What is G.L. favorite food?

- Cornflakes?

5.What is G.L. childhood soul mate?

- WTF?

6.What happened to G.L. when he was writing page 108 of 'Year with a Yeti'?

- He wet himself

7.How many years did it take to write, 'weekend with a werewolf'?

-10092837464523900001

8.What is G.L. middle name?

- Walabi?

9.What is the name of G.L. mother?

-cheese bonkers

10.What is the Name of G.L father?

-rodney?

11. What is the name of G.L. oldest brother?

-dumb

12.What is the name of G.L. second oldest brother?

-dumber

13.What is the name of G.L. third oldest Brother?

-dumbest

14.What is the name of G.L. second youngest brother?

-peter?

15.What is the name of G.L. youngest brother?

-midget

16. What is the name of G.L. sister?

-mary sue?

17. How many pets has G.L. had?

-2

18. What were their names?

Jack and ass?

19. If G.L. were a food, what kind of food would be be?

- cream puff?

20.If G.L were an Item, what item would he be?

- oily rag?

21.If G.L were a dairy product, what dairy product would he be?

- sour milk

22.If G.L. were an animagus, what animal would he be?

- …. Garden knome

23.How did G.L. defeat the werewolf in 'weekend with a werewolf'?

- his face scared the werewolf away.

24.How many awards has G.L. won in the last year?

-too many

25.How many Books has G.L. written?

-too many

26.How did the book's affect you?

- they didn't

27.How many hair-care potions has G.L. made?

-I don't know

28.How many times has G.L. moved?

-im not a stalker, I dunno..

29.How many fan letter's has G.L. received?

-enough

30.How did G.L. overcome the yeti in 'year with a yeti'?

- once again… his face

31.How did G.L. beat the vampires in 'Voyages with Vampires'?

- the everlasting essence of garlic that follows him around

32.Why did G.L. write two books on werewolves?

(Wanderings with werewolves; weekend with a werewolf?)

- he's asking to be bitten.

33. Why did G.L. write 'Holidays with Hags"?

-his mother was one?

34.In, 'Gadding with ghouls', what was the name of the main Ghoul?

- Bilbo baggins?

35.How many years did it take to write 'Travels with trolls'?

- ………

36.In 'Break with a Banshee' how many close-calls did G.L. have?

- apparently not enough.

37.What was G.L. first job?

-he worked at mcdonalds?

38.What was G.L. first book?

-how to be a stuck up snob?

39.How did G.L. break his leg 2 years ago?

-he tripped… over himself?

40.What was G.L. Greatest Moment?

-the day he realized he couldn't put M'n'M's in alphabetical order.

41.How many copies of 'magical me' have been sold?

-enough. .. (my mom even has one.. urghh..)

42.Why was G.L. chosen to work at Hogwarts?

-Dumbledore probably felt sorry for him.

43.How many set's of dress robes does G.L. own?

-Way too many

44.How old is G.L.?

-18475639304754939

45.What is G.L. favorite number?

- 58598907850986903895809089305443-53-04695869589685986?

46.What was G.L. favorite subject?

-herbology?

47.What house was G.L. in when he was at Hogwarts?

-hufflepuff

48.what is the color of G.L. shoes?

- I can't see.

49.How much is G.L. worth?

- a pile of dung.

50.Who is G.L. number 1 fan?

- not me. (probably my mother though)

51.Who hates G.L.?

- Oh, ME

52. Is their anything fake about G.L.?

- All the plastic surgery he probably had done.

53.What was G.L. worst moment?

- the day he met me.

54.When is Goldie loveme's Birthday, and what would his ideal gift be?

I don't know. Maybe I'll get him a dung bomb…


Name: Remus j. Lupin.

1.What is Goldie Loveme's favorite colour?

- purple?

2.What is Goldie Loveme's secret ambition?

- Something to do with hair…. And peace.

3.What, in your opinion, is Goldie Loveme's greatest achievement to date?

- Having the guts to walk down the street with a name like that.

4.What is G.L. favorite food?

- Taters?

5.What is G.L. childhood soul mate?

- shouldn't that question be 'who is G.L. childhood soul mate'?

6.What happened to G.L. when he was writing page 108 of 'Year with a Yeti'?

- He lost all his hair?

7.How many years did it take to write, 'weekend with a werewolf'?

- after this year, you'd better not write 'The year I taught a werewolf'.

8.What is G.L. middle name?

- Hannibal Cannibal

9.What is the name of G.L. mother?

-Cristina?

10.What is the Name of G.L father?

-Christopher?

11. What is the name of G.L. oldest brother?

-Chris?

12.What is the name of G.L. second oldest brother?

-kris?

13.What is the name of G.L. third oldest Brother?

-Kris kringle?

14.What is the name of G.L. second youngest brother?

- Chrisophirolata?

15.What is the name of G.L. youngest brother?

- Chrisofragilisticecspialedotious?

16. What is the name of G.L. sister?

- fred?

17. How many pets has G.L. had?

- his hair is probably his pet.

18. What were their names?

-blondie?

19. If G.L. were a food, what kind of food would be be?

- Fish stick.

20.If G.L were an Item, what item would he be?

- blunt butter knife

21.If G.L were a dairy product, what dairy product would he be?

- A block of moldy cheese

22.If G.L. were an animagus, what animal would he be?

- garden knome

23.How did G.L. defeat the werewolf in 'weekend with a werewolf'?

-I don't even want to know.

24.How many awards has G.L. won in the last year?

- A number between 1 and 100.

25.How many Books has G.L. written?

- read my last answer

26.How did the book's affect you?

- quite frankly they didn't.

27.How many hair-care potions has G.L. made?

- I don't buy 'witch weekly', so I wouldn't know.

28.How many times has G.L. moved?

- once. Probably from his mothers basement.

29.How many fan letter's has G.L. received?

- well…. None from me.

30.How did G.L. overcome the yeti in 'year with a yeti'?

- a pitch fork?

31.How did G.L. beat the vampires in 'Voyages with Vampires'?

I don't know, Garlic? A stake?

32.Why did G.L. write two books on werewolves?

(Wanderings with werewolves; weekend with a werewolf?)

- how should I know, I haven't (nor will I ever) read them.

33. Why did G.L. write 'Holidays with Hags"?

- He's related to one?

34.In, 'Gadding with ghouls', what was the name of the main Ghoul?

- George bush?

35.How many years did it take to write 'Travels with trolls'?

-that depends on how many years he spent traveling with them.

36.In 'Break with a Banshee' how many close-calls did G.L. have?

- A few.

37.What was G.L. first job?

- hair stylist?

38.What was G.L. first book?

- 100 ways to get rid of friz?

39.How did G.L. break his leg 2 years ago?

- he broke his leg?

40.What was G.L. Greatest Moment?

-…. Erm…

41.How many copies of 'magical me' have been sold?

- WAY TOO MANY!!! (my mother has one….)

42.Why was G.L. chosen to work at Hogwarts?

- he was the only sucker to apply for DADA.

43.How many set's of dress robes does G.L. own?

- I've counted 20 so far.

44.How old is G.L.?

- in his 40's?

45.What is G.L. favorite number?

- ah.. 7?

46.What was G.L. favorite subject?

- DADA?

47.What house was G.L. in when he was at Hogwarts?

- Hufflepuff, probably,

48.what is the color of G.L. shoes?

- black or brown… the lighting in here is terrible.

49.How much is G.L. worth?

- the lint in my pocket will suffice

50.Who is G.L. number 1 fan?

- james's mother, probably.

51.Who hates G.L.?

- Me

52. Is their anything fake about G.L.?

- what a dumb question, it's like asking to be made-fun-of.

53.What was G.L. worst moment?

- the day he forget to put on make up?

54.When is Goldie loveme's Birthday, and what would his ideal gift be?

- April 10. Um.. ill get you.. some Ice mice.


Name: your mom. (Sirius black)

1.What is Goldie Loveme's favorite colour?

- shit color

2.What is Goldie Loveme's secret ambition?

- to get kissed by a girl other than his mother.

3.What, in your opinion, is Goldie Loveme's greatest achievement to date?

- Greatest?

4.What is G.L. favorite food?

-CHEESE!!! WHOO HOO!!!

5.What is G.L. childhood soul mate?

- His pet frog, Jimpy?

6.What happened to G.L. when he was writing page 108 of 'Year with a Yeti'?

- He crapped himself.

7.How many years did it take to write, 'weekend with a werewolf'?

- let me ask you this… how many years are in a W-E-E-K-E-N-D??

8.What is G.L. middle name?

- Willy Wonka?

9.What is the name of G.L. mother?

- A-B-C-D-E-F-

10.What is the Name of G.L father?

- G-H-I-J-K-L

11. What is the name of G.L. oldest brother?

- M-N-O-P-

12.What is the name of G.L. second oldest brother?

- Q-R-S-

13.What is the name of G.L. third oldest Brother?

-T-U-V-W-

14.What is the name of G.L. second youngest brother?

-X-Y-

15.What is the name of G.L. youngest brother?

- ZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

16. What is the name of G.L. sister?

- Mona liza?

17. How many pets has G.L. had?

- If he had any. Their dead now.

18. What were their names?

- Sirius 1, Sirius 2, and Sirius jr.

19. If G.L. were a food, what kind of food would be be?

- CHEESE!

20.If G.L were an Item, what item would he be?

- can. A can of CHEESE

21.If G.L were a dairy product, what dairy product would he be?

-CHEESE!!!

22.If G.L. were an animagus, what animal would he be?

- Garden knome.

23.How did G.L. defeat the werewolf in 'weekend with a werewolf'?

- probably a silver bullet.

24.How many awards has G.L. won in the last year?

- 1000 900 80 2

25.How many Books has G.L. written?

- none that I've read.

26.How did the book's affect you?

- I TOLD YOU, I haven't read them.

27.How many hair-care potions has G.L. made?

- None that work.

28.How many times has G.L. moved?

- 3000 400 50 2

29.How many fan letter's has G.L. received?

- like, a million. (half of them are probably from james's mother)

30.How did G.L. overcome the yeti in 'year with a yeti'?

- Your mom! Hahahahahahahaaaa….. god… I crack myself up…

31.How did G.L. beat the vampires in 'Voyages with Vampires'?

- garlic probably.

32.Why did G.L. write two books on werewolves?

(Wanderings with werewolves; weekend with a werewolf?)

- he has a very strange Obsession?

33. Why did G.L. write 'Holidays with Hags"?

- He's secretly a Hag.

34.In, 'Gadding with ghouls', what was the name of the main Ghoul?

- Snivillus

35.How many years did it take to write 'Travels with trolls'?

- 4000 700 10 9

36.In 'Break with a Banshee' how many close-calls did G.L. have?

- none. If he had any, he wouldn't be here.

37.What was G.L. first job?

- working in a panties store?

38.What was G.L. first book?

- Unmagical me.

39.How did G.L. break his leg 2 years ago?

- he most likely walked over a bridge or something.

40.What was G.L. Greatest Moment?

- Meeting ME!!

41.How many copies of 'magical me' have been sold?

- A lot. (most of which to James's mom)

42.Why was G.L. chosen to work at Hogwarts?

- he had no where to go.

43.How many set's of dress robes does G.L. own?

- I don't own any.

44.How old is G.L.?

- older than me.

45.What is G.L. favorite number?

- uh… cheese.

46.What was G.L. favorite subject?

- the art of… Napkin folding.

47.What house was G.L. in when he was at Hogwarts?

- not Gryffindor.

48.what is the color of G.L. shoes?

- which ones?

49.How much is G.L. worth?

- two pennies.

50.Who is G.L. number 1 fan?

- probably james's mother.

51.Who hates G.L.?

-ME

52. Is their anything fake about G.L.?

- everything.

53.What was G.L. worst moment?

-meeting me.

54.When is Goldie loveme's Birthday, and what would his ideal gift be?

- I don't know, and im not getting you anything.


Goldie Loveme reread the boy's papers several times, before smiling and realizing that those boy's probably were secretly admiring him. Professor Loveme threw the papers out, stretched out in his chair, and began planning his next lesson. Perhaps he should introduce them to pixies…

Little did Professor loveme know, he had a small grey piece of parchment taped to his back which read:

KICK ME. REALLY, REALLY HARD. BETWEEN THE LEGS.

And in small print in the very bottom right corner read:

- THE MARAUDERS.


This is a updated version of the original, Thanks to linw1 for the 'girlfriend' idea!!