-----Author's note: Been thinking of this one for a little while. Let's see what we can come up with, here... I do not own Naruto, but any other characters and ideas are my own. Enjoy...-----
"And he was so grateful he gave you permission to attend the Hyuuga Ball, this year?"
"Pft, no. That's how it should have happened, but he's kind of a jerk. Hinata begged and he caved."
The young Uchiha sighed a sad sigh, "Even after you brought back the missing tigers. Tell you what, money can make people ass holes."
"...Wasn't the Uchiha clan well-to-do?" Naruto asked back.
"I guess that explains a lot."
"It helps me sleep better."
The two friends had been reunited after their respective missions had been accomplished. One, tiger hunting. The other, retrieving a captive. They had just finished exchanging stories and information. Sasuke had been kind enough to tell Naruto of his discoveries of the female anatomy at his apartment, so the blond had been able to vomit into a toilet. A luxury the raven-haired boy had not been afforded. Once mouthwash, video games, and conversation had been had by all, the two decided to go out for a bite to eat. It was on the way to Ichiraku's that they were accosted by an older lady.
"You two, there, hold on!" The granny called out, hobbling towards them.
"Look, lady," Sasuke barked back, "I already told you, I'm not interested! Butterscotch or not!"
"No, no, this isn't about that," The woman crowed. Naruto raised an eyebrow at Sasuke, who simply shook his head and grunted unhappily. "There is a terrible ruckus going on in the house next door to mine! I've tried to get help, but none of the older ninja will bother with me!"
"I can't imagine why."
Naruto whacked Sasuke on the arm and asked, "What is it, old lady? Do you think it's a fight?"
The old lady leaned in and whispered in a high-pitched old lady whisper, "It sounds like a barnful of sinful, flesh-crazed beasts!"
Both boy's eyes narrowed simultaneously. This sounded dangerous. "Tell us where it is!"
An old hand directed them with a bony finger down the street, "It's the third house on the right towards the end of the street! And boys!" They glanced over their shoulders at their quest-giver, already small for the distance between them, "Watch out for the guard!"
Sure enough, the closer they drew to the house the more clearly they could hear the sounds of a heated battle. A woman let out what might very well have been a death cry, causing both ninja to falter a split second. Were they too late? Was that a friend falling? And it was in that second that the guard they had been warned of appeared before them in the middle of the street, both arms out to his sides. Sasuke crouched down and slid by him, his hair brushing the limb above him. Naruto, however, was successfully clotheslined. He performed an acrobatic, albeit unintentional, back flip, landed on his face, and slid to a stop beside his friend.
"Smooth," Sasuke grunted.
"Shut up," Naruto snapped back, spitting out a wad of dirt.
"Where are you two off to in such a hurry?" The guard asked, turning to face them. It turned out to be none other than...
"Tenzo! What the heck's your problem!?" The blond fumed.
"We were told of a dispute in this house, here," Sasuke motioned with the tilt of his head, "Didn't you hear the scream?"
A slight tinge of red in his cheeks and nose, Tenzo nodded, "Damn skippy I heard it. Half the friggin' neighborhood heard it. But I was told to make sure they were left alone to take care of their business."
"Told by who?"
"By Genma, of course."
"Genma's in there?"
A roar pierced the air, barely muffled by the walls that contained it. The sound of breaking glass and perhaps a bookcase falling over were heard right after. Six or seven kunais busted through the wall, their edges glistening in the sunlight.
"Ah, relax, he's fine. It's just him and-"
The door burst open and Genma's head stuck out. They could all see that at least the top half of him was naked and sweaty. He had red marks all over him, apparently from claws of some sort. "Tenzo!" The ninja shouted feverishly, "I need some help!"
An eyebrow just barely raised, the addressed jonin mumbled, "They hardly ever ask me to help..." He walked over to see what was up. The two exchanged words for a moment, but that was all the time it took for a hand to grab Genma by the back of the neck and pull him back into the house. Tenzo closed the door for them, then returned to the two boys. "He's down to two condoms. He wants me to go get him some more."
It took the boys a moment, but they recalled what a condom was from their foray into Anko's basement. Perhaps that sweat had actually been water, then, and they were having an insane flavored-water-balloon battle inside the house. Yeah, that definitely put all of the pieces together. The boys did not know at this time, however, that they were about to learn the horrible truth about the deliciously flavored water balloons they had come to love and respect. Tenzo was trying to figure out whether he should go and get the condoms himself and ask the genin to guard the house, or have the genin get the condoms and he stay on watch. It didn't take him long to imagine this little ditty...
"Sasuke, Sasuke, come on, let's take a look!"
"I can't. I'm too busy looking at myself in this mirror."
"If we look through the window, we can see BOOBS."
"...If I look just right, I can see myself in the glass, but at the same time see the BOOBS. You're right."
The two boys scrambled up to the window and visually gorged themselves.
"Man, my hair looks metro-tastic today."
"I'm as hard as a brick of uncooked ramen, right now."
"Yeah, forget that crap. You two go and get the condoms, I'll stay and keep watch. Here," He handed them a few bills, "That'll be enough for a box. A big box. Don't skimp. There's a bit extra so get a candy bar or something for a reward."
"When the hell did we agree to be your errand boys?" Sasuke demanded, "You think a candy bar is enough to buy my time?"
Sadly, Naruto was already rounding the street corner. "Come on, Sasuke, I wants some candeh!"
Tenzo waved the genin off, "Hurry up. Off to your 'candeh'."
And so our two heroes found themselves in the toy aisle of the nearest store, fruitlessly searching for the condoms.
"Sasuke," Naruto waved his comrade over, "I found the regular water balloons. Shouldn't the condoms be right here with them?"
With a shrug of relevant indifference, the Uchiha replied, "Do you think he'd just settle for regular old water balloons? This is a waste of time. We still haven't gotten lunch, either."
"You turn into such a girl when you're hungry, geez."
"Yeah, I turn into your mom."
"Oh, oh that's good. Real original there."
"I thought you'd like that one."
Having seen the two boys looking rather lost, a helpful young employee came up to assist them. "Do you two need help with anything?" She asked sweetly, looking from one to the other.
Taking the initiative as he was more than ready to be done with this dumb errand, the Uchiha up and asked, "Where are the condoms? My friend and I need them. The quicker the better, I can't even explain some of the cravings I'm having, right now."
Naruto wondered if that meant weird combos like peanut butter and pickles or ketchup and bologna. The employee wondered if that meant a wrap-around or a Cleveland steamer. She voiced her thoughts subtly. "I get off in thirty minutes."
"...Where are the condoms, lady?" The second boy asked her.
"I still don't get why these things are over here with the pharmaceutical stuff."
"I don't get what that lady was talking about space docking for. What the hell does space have to do with anything?"
Naruto shrugged, looking around him at all of the little boxes. "I guess she thinks we're out of this world."
"...You make me hate you, sometimes. Let's just grab a box and get out of here. I'm starving."
His friend, however, wasn't in such a hurry to leave. "Well, hang on a second. If we had someone getting these for us I know I'd want them to take their time and get the right one. So, think for a minute. Which of these would you want?"
Shikamaru Nara, out to buy some things for his mom, spotted his two friends and hurried up to them from behind only to hear Sasuke say, "Dude, if I'm gonna have a condom in my mouth you know I'm gonna pick a grape flavored one every time." He quickly wheeled around and made off in the opposite direction. He'd always figured Sasuke for one of those, but Naruto!? Maybe he was bisexual...
"Right, I kind of figured you'd say that. But...some of these aren't flavored. What's up with that?" The curious fox picked up one of the non-flavored boxes and read the print on the front, "...A vibrating ring of pleasure? What does that mean?"
Sasuke did likewise, reading from the front of the box, "This one says it has a special gel on it to enhance a woman's pleasure. ...Does that mean it feels good when you get hit by it? But why only for women?"
"Well, hang on, this one says it has the feel-good gel for men AND women. It's a warming gel." He dropped this box to the ground as well. They were making quite a mess.
"I guess it'd be cool to get hit with warm water instead of cold water."
Naruto readily agreed with this, but something didn't seem right. The next box seemed a bit more malevolent. "This one here says it is a pleasure inhibitor for men, and that it increases their stamina."
"So you sacrifice a bit of happiness to become a bit stronger, huh? I like the sound of that."
"You know it's weird that there are so many different kinds of these balloons. You'd think we would have heard of this kind of extreme water balloon fighting long before now...And then on top of that..."
With a nod of agreement, Sasuke added, "The shape is also a bit strange. It's not particularly well suited to throwing, unless you can chuck it like a spear. Sort of like a cucumber." He saw Naruto narrow his eyes and, subsequently, saw them glaze over. "Oh. You're thinking. Ok, well...I'll be here when you get back."
Indeed, the young man was thinking. Hard. On some level it added up just fine, but something wasn't right and he knew it. He definitely should have heard of this game a long time ago. Even Sasuke, who had always been pretty popular, wasn't aware of their existence until just recently. Well, perhaps they'd never heard of it before because these things weren't actually water balloons. They weren't with the other ones, at least. Then that opened up a brand new question, and this question was the one that needed answering. If they weren't water balloons, then what were they?
The first thing that came to mind was a surprisingly tasty snack. He felt comfortable in casting that idea out, however. Not all of them were flavored, so surely they weren't snacks. After all, there are several different kinds of Teddy Grahams. Those are snacks because they're all edible, least of all flavored. So the same rule should follow for condoms. Alright, so if not snacks or balloons, then what else could they be? Perhaps they were used to hold something? That didn't seem very likely, however, due to their relative stickiness. Who wanted to goo up their belongings by putting them in a messy container? ...Hm, but that didn't seem enough to discount it as a container of some sort. The closest thing it related to in its build material was a rubber glove, and the rubber glove was used to hold ones hand, of course. The glove was shaped to fit ones hand into. What else if not a hand would fit into a glove so snugly? If the condom was actually a container, then the same rule should apply. What would fit into a condom other than what the condom was meant to fit? Sasuke said it well when he said it was shaped like a cucumber. But who had ever heard of a cucumber holder? And that was when several things came together for our young friend. He recalled a few things from his recent experiences.
Iruka: "Uh...you should probably get married before having sex, but you don't have to. Oh, also, make sure you wear protection, Naruto! ...Yeah, I know you have to be naked to do sex, but...did you just say 'do sex'?"
The prodigy froze up, his mind started buzzing as he tried to figure that one out. How DID girls pee? They didn't have the right equipment to tend to such manly affairs, so what on earth did they do in the bathroom? Sure, they could always SAY they were going to pee, while they really wanted to take care of their numbers twos.....Or would that be number ones for girls? But if they couldn't pee (which they quite obviously were physically incapable of doing)...
"Since girls don't get stiffies, what happens to them?" She waited for a second, but Sasuke was trembling and seemed unable or unwilling to answer. He feared, in the depths of his stomach, that he knew the answer, though. "That's right, you little greenhorn. The girl oozes the baby oil to slick up the cock!"
"I'm going to...I'm going to watch it again. Seriously, there's something about sex that we must be missing. A secret, or something."
Stopped outside the bathroom door, Sasuke replied, "Maybe it had something to do with that...thing...he put on..."
"The water balloon? Maybe...we'll have to find out why he did that, 'cause I have no idea."
Sasuke swept over and caught Naruto, who had turned green and stumbled to a knee. "Whoa. Are you alright?"
Big fearful eyes looked back up at him, glistening with revelation and purity. "Sasuke...I figured it out. I know what the condoms are..."
"Well how about you quit trailing off dramatically and fill me in?"
"They're actually...they're the protection that you're supposed to wear during sex."
"Pull the other one!"
"No, really! Think about it!"
The other young man did this for a moment. He mulled over the action itself, and it fit. Uncomfortably so. "Uh..." He mumbled, not sure what to say. "You know, um...well, I guess if I was ever going to...you know, do that, I would want something on to keep from actually touching anything. ...Yeah."
"But there's more to it than all of that..." The fox whispered, his enlightenment reaching further and burning brighter than Sasuke could even fathom.
"I don't know if I can take any more big time revelations, just yet. You go ahead and keep that one to yourself."
"The women lack a peep, but they have something that we do not in the same place."
"...Nothing? Good, let's stop there."
"They have a second mouth."
Sakura dropped her guard, allowing Ino the opening she needed to land a solid punch to the jaw. The pink-haired girl went staggering, and Ino allowed her time to regroup. "Come on, it's hardly considered training if you're just gonna let me hit you like that. What's up?"
Rubbing her now sore cheek, Sakura replied, "I don't know, but...I think I'm gonna hit Naruto the next time I see him."
"Ooh, can I help? He didn't let me finish, last night."
"Oh, don't worry, I was just dreaming."
"Why shouldn't I worry!?"
"H-How do you figure that?"
Trembling a little in his fevered epiphany, Naruto explained, "Think about it. Why else would some of the condoms be flavored? Vibrating rings, enhanced pleasure, come on! Girls are much more easily orally stimulated than guys are! Think about chocolate! And how they don't pee! It's also so they don't have to taste pee! And what Tayuya told you! Compare that to your mouth when you get hungry! When you think about delicious ramen, or when you bite into a sour apple, your mouth pumps out juices! She said that when a girl is ready for the sex, she pumps out juices, too!"
"Naruto, you're gonna make me get sick again."
"But it makes sense, doesn't it!?"
Unwillingly, the Uchiha nodded. "It...does. Everything you said sounds right. And...to make it worse..."
"You've got more?"
"I read in Cosmo that part of what girls have down there is called labia. I'm not real sure about it, but the nickname they use for them is...lips."
Thoroughly floored from all of this, both boys lay down on the ground. It was cold and felt nice. Naruto didn't even have the presence of mind to ask Sasuke if he had really been reading Cosmo. He'd give him crap, later. He now had a very important question to ask the next girl he could. One he was close enough to, of course,
They weren't sure how much time had passed by the time Asuma walked over to them. The jonin looked down at the two boys, then reached over and grabbed a box of condoms. "Tenzo's been waiting for these. Genma's on his last one. Shizune's gonna go nuts if they have to stop. She's been such a wreck lately, too much stress with the shortage of shinobi. Don't worry, fellas. I'll get these to 'em. ...Guys?" He looked down to find that they were both now foaming at the mouth, eyes glazed over. "HEY! Snap out of it! ...I need a medic!"
A solid black panel split into two uneven ones, pure checkered white in the center. Fuzzy at first, but always clearing, a hospital room eventually took form. "Hey, he's waking up!" A voice said. Naruto looked around, rubbing his eyes. He was in a bed. He spotted Sasuke in a similar position on the other side of the room, a scowl on his face. "Are you alright, Naruto?" The voice was Sakura's.
"Wh-What happened to you? We were...I was so worried!" This one was Hinata's.
"They found you two lying on the ground in front of the condoms, surrounded by boxes of them you'd thrown to the floor, with white stuff all over your faces. You wanna explain that one or is it better in my head?" This one, of course, was Ino's.
"Why are you all around Naruto's bed!?" Sasuke snapped, "I'm in a bed, too!"
Naruto could only think to ask one thing, however, tossing their concerns to the wind. "Have any of you ever eaten a meal with your va-" His head busted through the bed and pounded against the floor under Sakura's mighty fist.
Ino laughed, "Oh yeah, I'd forgotten you'd said you were gonna do that..."
Head embedded into the tile, Naruto's weak voice whimpered, "...I-I forgot to get...my candy..."
----Author's other note: -IMPORTANT!- I strongly advise you not look up what space docking is. I was looking for something perverted, but that's on it's own level. I was happier not knowing, and you're happier not knowing. Should you choose to go against my advice and look anyway, well, that's your own mistake. If you already know what it is, I am sorry. Again, don't look. Could I go back and unlook, I would. Just a hazard of the job, I'll keep telling myself...
Ahem, on another note...To inflate my ego (because I love myself so much), I decided to see how I ranked up with other writers at Mediaminer. The story over there with the most hits has over ONE MILLION. That's well over fifty times what I have over there! Consider me humbled. I really have a long way to go.
...And I remember when I stumbled upon a flavored condom for the first time and had the same thought as Naruto. I briefly wondered if they could actually taste down there...Ah, the innocence of YOUTH.
Thanks, everyone, for reading!-----