"If you wanted to hurt Buffy, congratulations. You did." Dawn carefully closed the door to Spike's crypt. He wished she had slammed the door. He wished she had yelled. He crushed the glass in his hand.

He could handle anger; he could handle violence, all because that was how he vented anger. He could handle shouting and breaking, he could handle physical pain. But silent disappointment was just too much. He closed his eyes, ignoring the pain that the glass had caused his hand.

He sat there stewing in his own anger and self-loathing. Spike grabbed his duster and headed out into the night.

The Desoto pulled up at a demon bar. Clem sat at a stool, talking to something that sat on the stool next to him, "So I says, the kitten was won fair and square, but he refused so, naturally I had to take it…"


Clem turned…

"Well if it isn't Spike, my favourite vampire, I was just about to come over to you… Nightrider marathon! I was gonna buy wings…"

"I'm leaving- town. I need you to look after my crypt for a bit while I'm away."

Clem frowned, "Slayer troubles huh? Don't worry, I'll take good care of your place."

Spike feigned a smile at his friend, "Give this to Buffy, won't you?" Spike handed Clem an envelope, "For her eyes only- naturally."


"Spike?" Buffy called into the crypt. Clem shot out of his seat, dropping chicken wings all over the floor, "Oh, Clem, it's you," the Slayer breathed.

"Oh, Buffy, hey!" Clem said, picking up the wings.

"Where's Spike?"

"He's gone, skipped town for a few days I guess. He didn't give me all the details, just the crypt for a while. Oh, and this," he said, holding out the envelope, "He said it was for you, your eyes only."

Buffy sighed at what Clem said… of course he had left. They had all left eventually, why was she surprised? Why was she disappointed? It wasn't like she loved him or anything. She took the envelope and asked, "Well, can you look after Dawn for a while?"

Clem obliged and Buffy left her little sister in the demons care.

She opened the envelope and in beautiful handwriting were Spike's words. She guessed it had stuck, him being from the Victorian era and all.

Dear Buffy,

I want to say sorry for leaving, and I am, but I can't apologise. My actions are for you, Dawn and the Scoobies. Not that I don't think you could use my help, its just there is something I need. I have left to find it. I am not too sure when, or if, I will return. Although I know you think I cannot love without a soul, remember what Dru said, I can love. If not wisely. I do love you. I love you, 'Bit and I even love the Scoobies. You have been the only things holding me together these past months, hell, the past years. Say goodbye to Dawn from me. Tell her I love her more than anything. Tell her that she is a Summers, and that makes her more than most girls her age could ever be. Tell her that she is, and always has been, my little sister. Tell Willow to be careful with her magic tricks, tell Tara to stick up for herself because I won't be here to do it, tell Anya to watch her mouth but to never stop being blunt (she's funnier that way), Tell Xander that I hate him (and that he needs to be open minded), tell Giles… I don't care what you tell him. Make up something insightful and tell him I said it.

But now, for my little speech to you. If you stop reading here I swear to god I will kill you. But that's just it. I can't. I could ever kill you and now I know why. You are my link. I am, as much as it pains me to say this, dead. Well, un-dead. I cannot step into the light. You are my light and the very fact that you allow me to be in your glowing presence fills me. I do not burn with you. I have made the mistake of trying to grab you and drag you into darkness. You do not belong here. You are light, my light. I wish to bask in you for longer, but I can't. You do not love me and only those you love can bask in your heart-warming glow. 'Tis better to have loved and lost, than to never have loved at all.

If I return, I will be different, I hope in the good way.

All my love,


Buffy let her tears fall freely. She had giggled at his comments about Xander, Anya and Giles. She had sobbed at his reference to Dawn. He had shaken uncontrollably with tears at his remarks to Tara. She was dead; he had left before she had died. It was true that Tara had always liked Spike. But most of her tears were directed at his words toward her. His light. She was his light.

He had signed it "William" and she sighed. He wasn't William anymore, now he was hers. He was her Spike. Or at least he had been. Now he was gone and he didn't know that she… she… she loved him.


I hope you enjoyed my first VERY SHORT chapter. I have a tendency to write short chapters, I'm sorry.