Title: Exploding Diapers
Warnings/ Spoilers: None really.
Set: Season 4 (ish)
Another mission. Another wild fight with some Jaffa. Another broken bone for Jack O'Neill. Jack sighed. There were times that he suspected that he might be getting too old for this. Like now.
Jack was in the infirmary, his leg was hanging on a rope (supposedly waiting for the plaster to dry but Jack was pretty sure that ol' Doc Fraiser just wanted him to suffer) and he was bored out of his mind. Closing his eyes, he prayed that someone would bring him a yoyo or … something. Anything? Tentatively he opened one eye to see Daniel Jackson's nose extremely close to it. Jack yelled. Daniel yelled. Sam Carter burst into violent fits of laughter. Teal'c raised one eyebrow. Janet Fraiser kicked them all out of the infirmary.
"You may think that the Colonel looks better, but I can assure you that he needs the utmost quiet."
Jack growled. "I do NOT!"
Janet lowered her voice to a whisper. "As you can tell, he's still quite cranky."
Jack rolled his eyes. "Doc, I'm seriously beginning to doubt your medical skills. It's my LEG that's broken. Not my ears!"
Janet spun round; with her trademark "you-mess-with-me-you-get-a-very-large-needle-up-your-you-know-what!" look on her face. Jack gulped. "You wouldn't hurt a man with a broken leg, would you doc?"
The rest of SG-1 chuckled at the look of fear on their CO's face. Not even Apophis could bring that look to Jack's face. It was Sam (who was probably scared of being fired or demoted if she didn't do anything), who rescued Jack. She stepped into the infirmary, beckoning Daniel and Teal'c to follow and casually upset a tray full of various metal scalpels that Jack really didn't trust.
"Oh crap! Janet, I am so sorry!"
Janet, knowing full well what she had done, gave her a sarcastic smile and said, "Ok, you win, but you had better not make him excited!"
Jack smirked. He had taught Carter well. Then he frowned. He yelled after Janet, "What am I, a toddler? Don't make him excited. Grr."
The rest of SG-1 smiled. They knew he didn't really dislike the doctor. Just her sharp needles. They pulled up chairs next to his bed and sat down.
"So… how are you, Jack?" Daniel asked, whilst pushing his glasses up his nose.
"I have a broken leg Daniel. How are you?" Jack asked, sarcastically.
"Ok point taken. When do you get let out?"
"When the plasters dries. Or when I'm not "excited" anymore." Jack said, using bunny ears.
Sam grinned. Teal'c raised an eyebrow. "Would you like us to bring you something to alleviate the boredom, O'Neill?"
"It would be nice. A yoyo maybe… a game-boy? Oh, and Carter?"
"If you bring me another alien doohicky I'll shoot you."
Sam chuckled. "Yes sir."
There was a moment's silence. It was what always happened when any of them was in the infirmary. Awkward silences. Jack sighed. The he broke the silence.
"You know what I really hate about being in the infirmary?"
SG-1 leaned closer to him, glad of the interruption of the silence.
"The effort it takes to get to the bathroom. Seriously. And those damn little jars you have to pee in. Makes me wonder if I should wear a diaper on missions just in case I get injured. Then I wouldn't have to bother."
There was a short, pregnant pause. No one was really sure what to say.
"Well, diapers are a bit… you know… thick. To wear underneath BDU's anyway." Daniel said, then immediately regretted it.
Jack raised an eyebrow. "Really? Maybe someone should invent a thin diaper. For the various militaries of this world. Carter?"
Sam stared. He was suggesting… that she invent a thin diaper for adults to wear. On missions. In case they got injured. She smiled to herself. Only Jack could have thought of that one. "Well, sir, as much as I would like to… invent a thin… diaper for adults in the military to wear… I would probably be better at inventing a new type of bomb."
There was another silence as Jack contemplated diapers and bombs. His eyes widened. Sam, Teal'c and Daniel exchanged looks. Oh boy.
"Diaper Bombs." Jack stated.
The rest of SG-1 exchanged looks again. Had their CO finally lost it?
Teal'c spoke, "I am afraid that we may have made O'Neill 'excited'."
"No, you haven't Teal'c, it's just that I never thought of… exploding diapers before… imagine how useful that would be! The Goa'uld would run for their lives! Carter, how useful would an exploding diaper be in our fight for the safety of this planet?"
Sam squirmed, trying not to laugh. That was one sentence that she'd never thought she'd hear in her lifetime. "It would erm… depend what was in the diaper sir."
Daniel pulled a face. "Too much information Sam. Too much."
Teal'c raised an eyebrow, once again, no doubt thinking that these humans were completely insane. "Indeed."
Jack grinned. "Well. I think we did something productive this afternoon. We found yet another way to defeat the Goa'uld. Good work people."
This proved to be too much for Sam, who dissolved into helpless giggles. This in turn, caused Daniel to laugh hysterically and Jack soon joined in. Teal'c got up and walked over to Janet Fraiser who was stood by the doorway in shock, staring at the two giggling Air Force officers and the one hysterical archaeologist. Teal'c whispered softly to her, "I fear that we may have caused O'Neill to become excited."
I apologise if this is the weirdest thing that you have ever read… I was very tired when I thought of this idea and I'm pretty tired now. So… sorry again. : However, if you do actually like it (is hopeful) please review it: (I will love you forever :P)
XD LittleBlueString x