Hi, everyone! This is a companion of sorts to my story 'Something Right'.
This is for Dawn N whose wonderful writing and kind words helped make this happen.
Warning: This deals briefly with thoughts of suicide. If this is not your cup of tea, do not read.
Disclaimer: I don't own Supernatural. Wish I did, but the sad truth is that I don't. No money was made from this - it was written completely for fun.
Dean is defeated, completely broken as he stares down at Sam's hurt body. Everything is just so wrong. Nothing in the world made any sense. Dean feels empty, like he has been hollowed out. What is the point any more? He felt like a Knight who has finally been defeated by his enemies, after a long, difficult battle.
This is how he has always seen himself – as a knight. The idea first popped into his head listening to Pastor Jim's stories of the bravest knights in the land. The beloved pastor loved to tell the two impressible boys all about how knights protected the weak and stood up for what's right. However, Dean would add one more thing to the list – a Knight protected his family no matter what.
This knight was done. He had experienced defeat in the past. The difference is in the past, his heart had wanted to carry on the fight. It was his body that failed him. Now his body was fine; it is his heart that had quit. A knight needs his heart. It gives him his power, the will to take blows that would kill an ordinary man and pick himself back up.
He also needs anger which is different than fear. Fear does nothing to help you. It weighs you down, making you unable to move. Anger, on the other hand, serves a purpose. It fills your blood with liquid fire – a fire so strong it never really dies. With this fire, the darkest obsessions or the most noble of causes can be won. All animals have this fire in the simple unwillingness to lie down and die. Anger makes you fight, makes sure you have the chance to live another day.
Dean no longer has his heart or his anger. He no longer wants to pick himself back up. He is done. He has nothing left to give.
The stories that Pastor Jim had woven for the two little boys were full of magic, excitement, and adventure – everything a boy could want. However, a man is different. He has lost the innocence of childhood. He is bent low with worries and uncertainties. In his world, there is no place for magic. All he has is reality.
The reality of knighthood is that there was always one knight left standing. After his comrades, his brothers had fallen one by one, he alone is left with the burden of finishing the battle. Because he had felt the love and warmth of his brothers fighting by his side, it makes his loneliness that much sharper, that much more painful. Then, he is slowly consumed with grief and heartache until he lowers his sword, not because he can't fight but because he no longer has anything to fight for.
His whole world his gone. The cheers and praise from those he has saved are deaf to his ears. He only cares about feeling anything besides the emptiness that is now apart of him just as his arm or leg is. This is the reality for knights. It wasn't the enemy's sword that kills you – it simply makes the pain physical. What kills you is the death of your brothers, the loss of your heart.
This knight has known a lot of pain. His mother was killed in the prime of her life, fighting to protect her baby – both her babies. Even through her oldest really isn't a baby any longer, she still saw him as such. He knew even through her life ended in fire, she didn't regret her sacrifice. The loss of the love of his life nearly drove her husband mad. The only reason he held on to anything was to continue protecting her…their babies which she had given her life for. He is tough on the pair, wanting them to be able to protect themselves as well as others. He could only hope that they know how much he loves them. Then he left them to chase a fierily obsession which rages within him.
Yes, the knight has faced all of this in his life and still soldiered on. He could do so because he had a mission, a reason for living – the protection of someone so special rests on his shoulders. This person is meant for great things, far better than he could ever dream of. He loves this person with every single beat of his heart. What never creases to amaze him is that this person loves him in return. As long as he had his mission and the love of this person, he would fight until he could no longer breathe.
However, that was no more. He still had the other's love, but he has failed his mission. What's worse is the special person had died in order to save his life. He longer had a reason for living. There is nothing left for him. The knight could already feel the pull toward his dark path. The loss of his heart makes sure he won't fight. This is his destiny now. No! He will fall on his sword first. What did it matter if the drawing of blood is by an enemy or his own hand? It didn't matter if he is to be condemned for his action.
Even if an enemy completed the task, it wouldn't matter. He would never see the gates of heaven. He has done the one thing which is truly unforgivable – he has failed to protect his heart, his baby brother. How could he look his mother in the face? How could he tell her he has let his brother die? He couldn't…he wouldn't. Before taking his final action, he looks at his heart one last time.
He scans the peaceful face before him, trying to memorize each inch of it. This image will have to last him through his eternity in the pits of darkness. This being that looked as though it is merely sleeping, is his light. Looking at his Sammy causes the gaping void inside him to grow. Too young. His Sammy still had too much to do, to see. It wasn't right or fair.
This shouldn't have happened but it did. No matter how much he wanted to change it, the reality is that he couldn't and that will still with him forever.
He reaches down to gently brush the soft hair away from Sammy's forehead. All the knight…Dean has ever wanted is to be a good brother, a good son. His one wish for himself is for his family to always be together. But now – Dean is pulled from his thoughts by the low moan from Sammy's throat. There is still time.
The knight once again raises his sword, ready to fight onward. His heart is back. He has a mission to complete.
Now before I receive the inevitable comment from someone that I'm not being true to the ending of 'Something Right' just remember - I never actaully said Sam was dead. With that out of the way, feedback is a wonderful present.