King of the Hill

A Connie & Luanne Episode

Skip to My Lu My Darling

Written by Mr. Semaj


Scene I – Trouble Ahead

At a local toy store, children and their parents start to ignore the Manger Babies merchandise on the shelves.

At Rainey Street, Boomhauer and Bill are standing dejectedly in the alley, as they both had a pretty slow week.

Plans for the next Manger Babies episode is put on hiatus.

Luanne and Patterson meet in the living room later that week.

Luanne: "And so, Mr. Patterson, the changes we've made are not going well with audiences."

Patterson: "I see where this is going. All those damn sitcoms have built a natural immunity against the 'new guy'.

Never fret, Mrs. Platter. We'll keep Bellamy the Bumblebee on for a few more weeks, and they'll have no choice but to warm up to him."

Luanne: "No-no-no, listen. That's not how we run things here. Our fans are our employees. I hired you, not as a fan, but because I felt badly about using what was once yours.

I hate doing this, but…Mr. Patterson, you're…fired."

Patterson: "You can't do that to me."

Luanne: "Yeah-huh! This is my show, and I'm still in charge of my show."

Patterson: "You must be mistaken, Mrs. Platter. If you had reviewed the full contract, you'd know that all of the creative decisions go to me now. And, by right, I get to choose who participates in this project."

Luanne tries to speak…

Patterson: "Hold that thought!

Bellamy is the new permanent character on this show. Any new additions under my jurisdiction are perfectly legal. And you will comply in your following scripts, starting with the one due in two days, or else you're off the team. Any questions?"

Luanne remains silent as she starts twiddling her hair.

Patterson: "Good. Have a nice day!"

He slams the door as he walks out.

Patterson: "That'll teach her to go Donald Trump on Jacques Q. Patterson!"

Scene II – The Twist

Luanne and Connie are hanging out at the Arlen Public Library the next afternoon.

Luanne: "This is terrible! If I comply with Mr. Patterson's standards, the show will be ruined forever, and everybody will blame me! If I don't, I'm off the show, and it'll still be ruined!"

Connie: "It happens a lot on television. Look what happened to Ren & Stimpy."

Connie is skimming through the index files in the archive section.

Luanne: "I created the Manger Babies, because I had a vision. I wanted to make religion fun and interesting for today's youth, especially in a time where Christian morals are slowly fading from modern society."

Luanne kneels down on the floor.

Luanne (to herself): "Dear God, I'm in need of help now more than ever. I wanted to make your Words accessible to my fellow Christians, and it's all being taken away from me.

Oh Lord, please help me! Anything at all…just let me know it's all going to be okay.


As Connie continues thumbing through the index files, Luanne sits down at the table, moping to herself.

Connie picks an index card, which reveals some very important information.

Connie: "Hey Lu, come here!" (Luanne rushes over)

"Take a look at this!"

The two review the picked index card. They stare at each other with marvel…

The girls find the nearest microfilm machine to look up the information in the Arlen Bystander Archives. When Connie gets to the correct date, she prints it up, and she and Luanne reads the article together.

Luanne: "Oh…my…God!"

That evening, back at the Souphanousinphones', Connie is reclining on the couch, while Luanne is pacing back and forth. Kahn and Minh are in the kitchen.

Luanne: "I can't believe this! The owner of Patterson Puppets was a fraud! What am I gonna do?"

Connie: "Relax, Lu. At least you're not sunk."

Luanne: "What do you mean?"

Connie: "Your next story is due tomorrow, right?"

Luanne: "Right."

Connie: "So, just come up with an all-new story, the way you intend for it to be."

Luanne: "But what about Bellamy the Bumblebee?"

Connie: "Bellamy will be no more come next week. In fact, I'm going to help you write this new script."

Luanne: "You will? Really?"

Connie: "Indeed."

Luanne: "You're a real friend, Connie. I'll have to repay you somehow. Anything, you name it."

Connie: "Anything? Well…"

Connie visualizes her favor. She envisions Luanne and Joseph brushing and combing her long Rapunzel-like hair.

Connie: "But for now, we do the script."

Scene III – The All-Nighter

Connie and Luanne stroll over to Connie's computer. As they walk, the Bee Gee's "More than a Woman" plays, which turns out to be on Connie's radio.

Luanne opens her Bible, and starts jotting down different passages.

Connie warms up her computer and opens the Microsoft Word program.

An hour passes.

Luanne is finally ready for the presentation..

Luanne proclaims the appropriate parts for Obadiah, Hosea, Octopus, and Sir Reginald.

Connie types in the situation, the setting, and the characters' parts.

Another two hours pass.

Connie starts to revise the sections, and fix typos.

Luanne gives suggestions on which scenes should be improved, and how the characters should act or move.

As Connie continues making revisions, she sips a cup of green tea.

Yet another hour passes.

After the final revision, Connie saves the document, and prints up the first copy.

By this time, it is way past bedtime. The girls turn out the lights and jump into bed together.

The music fades…

Scene IV – The Improved Manger Babies

The next day, Luanne reports to Arlen First Methodist Church, with a fresh script wrapped in a document cover.

Before everybody leaves from the sermon, Joseph stops by in the activities/theatre room as Luanne is preparing for the next show.

Joseph: "Luanne?

Good luck."

Joseph leaves as the theme song plays and the show begins.

Luanne sings the theme song with the characters' previous names.

Octopus: "Gurgle-gurgle."

Hosea: "Meow-right, Octi. We spent the last two weeks fooling each other with pseudonyms. What a wild ride. "

Sir Reginald: "I daresay, guv'nor. It was getting quite tiresome."

Obadiah: "Hee-haw! I agree."

Luanne: "Now that we got our real names back, what are we going to do this week?"

Obadiah: "A trip to the arcade?"

Hosea: "A day at the playground?"

Sir Reginald: "How's about a spot of tea?"

Octopus: "Gurgle. Gurgle-gurgle-gurgle?"

Luanne: "That's a great idea, Octopus!

Today, we are going to the art museum!"

Manger Babies: "Yay!!"

The audience mutters for a moment as they regain some enthusiasm.

By Act III, Manger Babies are examining a canvas with red, yellow, blue, and green.

Hosea: "Meow-don't know. What does it look like?"

Obadiah: "It looks like a game of Uno."

Octopus: "Gurgle."

Sir Reginald: "It reminds me of an old pastime; billiards."

Luanne (gasps): "Billiards?"

Sir Reginald: "That's right, brilliant billiards! Each color represents a dash of strength in the game.

The red expresses true fortitude in a jolly ol' competition. The green shows the natural fun in playing the game. The blue shows the valor and dedication to the game. The yellow shows your respect for your fellow man."

Hosea: "Meow! Who knew that colors could be so colorful?"

Obadiah: "And not just in rainbows, but in all kinds of paintings. Hee-haw!"

Octopus: "Gurgle gurgle!"

Bellamy the Bumblebee flies in.

Bellamy: "Hello, guys!

I heard you were talking about colors, and that reminds me of a special type of flower some of us bees use for pollen."

The audience groans.

Museum Guard: "Halt!"

Bellamy: "What's the problem, Mr. Guard, sir?"

Museum Guard: "You came in here without paying."

Bellamy: "Sorry. I thought this was Free Admission Day."

Sir Reginald: "No-no, my good friend. That is only during the summer season, when all the good children have the world for the taking."

The children in the audience cheers.

Museum Guard: "Mr. Featherbottom is right. And we have a strict punishment for fare evaders here."

Luanne: "Uh-oh."

Museum Guard: "We lock them in a closet!"

Bellamy: "Oh no! AAAH!" (Bellamy is sent away)

Hosea: "Bye-bye, Bellamy."

Obadiah: "We'll miss you."

Octopus: "Gurgle."

Sir Reginald: "Well, in spite of the minor discrepancy, I must say that we had a marvelous outing today."

Others: "Amen!"

Luanne: "We sure did, Sir Featherbottom.

So kids, next time you're out somewhere, try to examine the colors of life. Colors can express any range of emotions. I'm sure feeling a bit orange today."

Sir Reginald: "And a bit of violet, too."

Luanne: "Right! It all depends on your interpretation.

Oh, and unless it's the good ol' summertime, remember to pay for admission at your local art museum."

As the ending theme plays, the audience cheers and lets off a big applause. Luanne takes her bow.

Patterson walks in to see the end of the show.

Two kids in the audience are wondering something.

Girl: "So what happens to Bellamy the Bumblebee?"

Boy: "Who cares? He's dead."

Patterson: "What's all this now?"

Back at home, Hank and Lucky are enjoying the show while drinking beer. Ladybird is chewing on a ball.

Lucky: "I knew my girl would make the right choice eventually."

Hank: "She may not be the smartest, or the most experienced, but you have to admire her spirit."

The applause continues on the television screen.

A long line of children gets Luanne's autograph again.

Scene V – Null & Void

Back at Reverend Stroup's office, Luanne meets up with the reverend.

Reverend Stroup: "Excellent show, Luanne! I don't know how you did it, but you brought the Manger Babies back from the grave!"

The door bursts open, as Patterson walks in dissatisfied with the show.

Patterson: "Well, Mrs. Platter. You defied your contractual obligations.

I'm sorry to have to do this, or perhaps not, but I hereby relieve you of your duties."

Connie: "Not so fast." (Connie walks into the reverend's office.)

I stopped by to congratulate Luanne on the sudden comeback of the Manger Babies, but now I see this has become a shakedown.

Reverend Stroup: "Connie, honey, I didn't like the direction the show was going either, but Luanne did break the obligations from her contract."

Patterson: "Hey, you said you liked the new show!"

Connie: "Um, no. It turns out I'm the only one who read the contract correctly."

Reverend Stroup: "Whatever do you mean, honey?"

Connie: "According to Section 3, Paragraph 5, complete ownership of the Manger Babies shall be relinquished to the new owner, which in your case, Mr. Patterson, would be Luanne, if the original owner has any responsibility for the puppets' original demise."

Reverend Stroup: "But Mr. Patterson cancelled circulation of the puppets for personal reasons."

Patterson: "Do you have any idea how popular Alvin and the Chipmunks were in my day?"

Connie: "He obviously didn't tell you the full story." (walks over to Reverend Stroup's desk)

"Mrs. Stroup, this man is a fraud!" (hands her a copy of the archive article)

Reverend Stroup puts on her reading glasses and reads it. Patterson starts to sweat.

Reverend Stroup: "According to this article, dated July 30, 1964, Patterson Puppets went out of business, after the puppets failed to make an impression on children and their families. The puppets enjoyed only a brief and modest success from the time they were created by 32 year-old Jacques Patterson in 1957, but were quickly overshadowed by the competition, including Walt Disney, Warner Bros., and Walter Lantz, all of whose merchandising tie-ins were strengthened by the syndication of their theatrical cartoons.

Patterson Puppets' lukewarm reception with the public can be attributed to several factors. In addition to the competition, weak characterizations from Dunstan, Casey, Octavio VIII, and Percy, the flagship puppets, prevented them from fully connecting with children, due to the puppeteer's sporadic attention to detail. But the deathblow for Patterson can be attributed to the failure of the newest puppet, Bellamy the Bumblebee, who was considered the most unlikable in the Patterson Puppets canon.

Mr. Patterson was not available for comment."

Luanne: "That explains why, even though Mr. Patterson wrote his own scripts, he never sat-in on their actual performances."

Connie: "He was at times an absentee businessman. In fact, he moved to Wichita Falls right after his business collapsed. And everybody hated Bellamy the Bumblebee, because he's such a one-note character."

Patterson: "And yet somehow, an octopus who says but one freaking word fared better.

Look, whatever this is about, this is probably a huge misunderstanding."

Reverend Stroup: "I'm afraid it is.

Jacques Patterson…you're fried."

Patterson: "Aw, dammit! Dammit all to freaking hell!"

Everybody gasps.

Patterson: "I figured in time, everyone would've forgotten that debacle. Then I would've made a fresh start among the next generation."

Reverend Stroup: "Not quite. Your re-tooling of this wonderful show has cost us the faith of our Christian community, the last thing we need anymore in this world. And the only reason so many people forgot Patterson Puppets was because they were barely worth remembering in the first place.

Your products found success from this young lady, because she knows what the audience wants. And that sir, is why the name 'Patterson Puppets' is null and void.

Luanne and Connie squeal in delight.

Patterson: "AARGGH!!"

Patterson throws his hat on the ground and starts stomping on it, as Luanne, Connie, and Reverend Stroup enjoy their victory.

Later, Reverend Stroup goes over the revised contract with Luanne and Connie.

Reverend Stroup: "And let it be known, from this day forward, that any and all properties by the name of Patterson Puppets shall be known as the Manger Babies, and the owner of said name retains all ownership to the marionette puppets unless she relinquishes ownership for any reason upon her own will."

Luanne: "And let it also be known, that I am appointing all creative decisions to my best friend, Connie Souphanousinphone. Each new script and overall content will meet her authorization before airtime."

Connie: "Okay.

You'll finally have more time to prepare for parenthood."

Luanne: "Yes. And I'm sure you'll make an excellent advisor."

Reverend Stroup: "So, are we all agreed?"

Girls: "Agreed."

Luanne signs the new contract. She shakes hands with Reverend Stroup and Connie.

Scene VI – Back to the Basics

The following Sunday, Luanne puts on a spectacular performance of the improved Manger Babies. The audience was laughing at a joke that was just made.

Luanne: "Well, we all had fun today. We learned to be blessed for our individual talents. Whatever it may be, sing a song, dance a dance, draw a drawing, anything that defines you.

Remember, each one of our talents can help contribute to a better world and a brighter tomorrow. Thank you!"

The audience cheers and applauds.

Back at home, Connie, Joseph, Bobby, Maria, and Lucky have regained interest in the Manger Babies as well.

From the window, Kahn and Minh show their approval.

Hank, Bill, Boomhauer, and Dale are all sipping beer in the alley.

Hank: "Yep."

Bill: "Yep."

Boomhauer: "Mm-hmm."

Dale: "Yep."

The men are looking at the clouds that are shaped like the Manger Babies. Obadiah the Donkey, Hosea the Cat, Octopus, and Sir Reginald Featherbottom III.

Two weeks later, everybody is waiting nervously in the Hills' living room. They're waiting for Luanne to come home.

The door opens…

Luanne comes in…

Everyone shows signs of satisfaction as Luanne came in with her first ever Emmy Award.

That evening, Maria is in the kitchen feeding Bobby grapes from a fruit basket Luanne received.

Luanne, Connie, Lucky, and Joseph are all watching television on the Hills' couch.

They are watching as Jamie Weinman gives a speech in front of an enthusiastic audience.

Jamie J. Weinman: "The show is back with a vengeance. And it is with great pleasure that I declare The Manger Babies the most Outstanding Children's Program of the Year!" (gives a thumbs up)

Crowd applauds.

Nancy: "That was the scene today at the Television Critics Association Summit, where the Manger Babies received accolades, following its surprise comeback from a brief downturn.

Show creator Luanne Platter earned the very first Emmy win for both herself and Channel 84."

Jamie J. Weinman: "It's like the old saying: There's nothing like getting back to the basics."

Luanne, Connie, Lucky, and Joseph all agreed.

Altogether: "Amen!"

Screen shuts off.

(end of Act III)

The End


Jamie J. Weinman: "That's all folks!"