Sigh… The following is the result of watching far, far too much Danny Phantom over the last two weeks. For the record, I blame Icka.

Unauthorized Access

Chapter One: Going Where No (Dead) Man Has Gone Before

"Another day, another dollar…" The white-haired halfa sighed as he sucked one more shrieking spirit into his Fenton Thermos. "At least," he muttered as he screwed the cap down tight, "it would be if I got paid for all this. Maybe I should start looking at the Want Ads-- Yeah; 'Wanted, part-time exorcist for night shift—'"

From behind the nearest tree a Sam-flavored voice answered him sardonically. "Don't quit your day job, Danny."

"Gee, thanks, Sam. 'Course, if I had a day job, that'd make a lot more sense. Be right back, okay?" With a flourish he rose into the air, then paused and blinked green eyes. "Hey, where's Tucker?"

"……………………..…….."

And that was a Tucker-flavored silence, coming from beneath a park bench. "Is it gone? Are we safe yet?" said a small voice. It hadn't helped Tucker's personal equilibrium that this particular ghost had had a thing for possessing PDAs and other computer equipment; Casper High's resident techno-geek would probably spend the rest of the evening hiding beneath his bed, whimpering to himself and cuddling his hardware.

Beneath his arm, the thermos let out an angry crackle; with a sigh, Danny waved at Sam and headed wearily for home.

"—Get—nngh!INrrrgh!!—there, you slimy green—" The specter that had dubbed itself the 'UNIVACosaur' for reasons unknown to Danny was being tricky; pitch-black and seemingly made up of nothing more than a viridian-edged, gaping hole equipped with tentacles, dinosaur-like roars and claws, the spirit had managed not only to short-circuit the Thermos but to spread-eagle itself across the Portal. And the damned thing had displayed a talent for making machinery break down in the most bizarre ways—the aforementioned route to the Ghost Zone was crackling, spitting sparks and livid green lighting across the basement as Danny scrabbled for a hold. "Dammit, get in there and stop—aagh!—being—such a—goddamned baby about this—"

As he gave the spirit a final hard shove, it howled and latched onto him with a glowing tentacle ("AAACK!!"); triumphant claws ripped at controls and the Portal's swirl of energies seemed to warp, to twist violently and then to change color

With one wild look at the silver shimmer that had taken the place of the familiar green whirlpool, Danny phased intangible, hoping it would help.

It didn't.

The Portal sucked. Vacuum dragged impossibly at his wraithlike form and at the far more tangible creature wrapped around him; it howled, raking talons across the silvery surface, which rippled, billowed, and—

"Ohshii—"

--engulfed them both in a waterfall of ice…

… before falling back quiescent and still. And once more quite, quite green.

Not that there was anybody around now to notice.


WHOOSH!!!

"--iiitYEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!"

WHOOSH!!!


"BWEEP! BWEEP! Unauthorized activation," advised the too-complacent mechanized voice over the intercom. "Incoming travelers—"

The scientist stumbled out of his lab, caffeine-bleary blue eyes alarmed. Perimeter-alarms, military or otherwise, were just too damned loud. "What's an archaeologist have to do around here to enjoy a quiet cup of coffee?" he asked the swearing Major coming up on his left; the blonde woman rolled her eyes, checking her weapon, but forbore to answer. The two instead thudded down the corridor towards the control room as quickly as possible, expecting trouble.

What they got was… something rather different…


WHOOSH!!!

Thud.

Huddled in a ball on cold metal and once more very much corporeal, Danny moaned. OhGodOhGodOhGodOh… Whatever that was, it was NOT anything I've ever seen in the Ghost Zone before. Think I'm gonna hurl. Can halfas hurl? Betcha I find out in just a--

The all too familiar sound of way, way too many weapons clicking off their safeties made Danny look up from his fetal curl of a crouch. Oooh. LOTS of guns. Hellooooo, U.S. Military! He attempted to focus, blinking white hair out of eyes that only now felt like they were setting into their normal shape after being folded, spindled and mutilated by his trip through—

What had happened to him, anyway? Where the hell was he? This damn sure wasn't the Ghost Zone, unless they had gone Government Subsidy Grey…

A quick glance over his shoulder made his jaw drop. It was a Portal behind him, clear enough, sort of funky-looking but the right shape and all, and yet—since when was the entrance to the Ghost Zone covered with a, a—um… He wasn't sure just what that segmented metal thing was, but he was pretty sure that the 'thud' he had heard had been UNIVACosaur kersplatting against the other side. Eww. "I don't think we're in Kansas anymore, Toto," Danny muttered.

"Actually," said the lanky man with the Colonel's insignia at the front of the soldiers, "you're in Colorado…" He raised an eyebrow at the shaky white-haired teenager. "Y'know, though, you look a little short to be a Goa'uld."

Danny slowly climbed to his feet. "And you look a little solid for a ghost…" He blinked. "'Goa'uld'?"

"'Ghost'?"

"Uh—" They both stared at each other, scowling identical scowls. Around them, the soldiers watched with bemused eyes.

And up in the control room, Daniel Jackson sighed and got ready to do what he did best—intervene before someone did something painful and/or stupid. "Archaeologist? Who's an archaeologist?" the blond muttered to himself. "I should start hiring out as a professional babysitter, or a hostage negotiator, or, or—"

"Don't quit your day job, Danny," advised Major Samantha Carter as she checked the ammo in her rifle.

"Gee, thanks, Sam."


To be continued...

(…and do NOT tell me that I'm the only person who noticed that both Stargate and DP have a Daniel and a Sam as main characters. Hell, Icka pointed out that you have 'Daniel Jack's son' in both of 'em! Ysabet awards Icka the Internet C'mon, hasn't anybody else written a crossover? Portal, Danny, Sam; Stargate, Danny, Sam. Helloooooo…)