Title: Everything I Could Have Had

Author: DisasterousLetdown

Fandom: CSI: Miami

Pairing: Natalia Boa Vista, Ryan Wolfe/Calleigh Duquesne

Rated: PG-13

Genre: Angst

Summary: He is the type of guy that wants to settle down... If she hadn't been so blind she would have realized that he was offering her that all along, only she had turned her back on him and now he wants nothing to do with her.

Disclaimer: I don't own CSI: Miami, nor do I know any of the actors. This has been made up in my sick little mind for your viewing pleasure. None of this is real, just simply fiction.

Everything I Could Have Had

Natalia slowly walks down the hall of the Miami Crime Lab with her head hanging low and her eyes shielded by her hair. No one knows about the depression that has settled within her heart and she can't bring herself to tell anyone. It isn't like they would listen anyway, or care for that matter. Ever since it came out that she was the mole they have treated her with contempt, not that she expected any differently. She betrayed their trust and used them; she understands how they could resent her. She has grown to enjoy their company though and consider them to be friends. She only wishes things could be different, that she could have applied for the cold case DNA technician instead of being sent in as a mole.

She likes being a CSI and is grateful that they didn't throw her out of the lab, but some days she wonders if that would have been for the best. Surprisingly enough Horatio seems to have no problems with her and was happy to have her as part of the team, probably because she proved herself worthy. Calleigh is rather nice as well, though her eyes tell a different story. Within her eyes Natalia can see that Calleigh is hurt and finding it difficult to trust her, which is only understandable considering the circumstances. She can see that Calleigh is making the effort to work with her and give her a second chance though so given time she believes she can regain her trust once again.

However it is tense with Eric, considering their history. He feels used and betrayed; distancing himself from her as much as he can. She could tell him that she never used him, that she held true feelings for him at one point in time, but she knows he wouldn't believe her so she doesn't even try. It bothers her to see the look of hurt and betrayal within his eyes whenever their gazes lock, it always manages to make the shame within her soul grow with each glance.

It is different with Ryan though; there is a deep pain in her heart every time he sends a hateful glare her way. She had dated Eric for quite a lengthy period of time, but their relationship was always on shaky ground. It felt different with Ryan, even though she only went out with him once. He seemed to have a genuine interest in her as well as truly wanted to pursue a relationship with her. With Eric it was different because he is a ladies man at heart and could never be tied down; she knew she would never hold his heart. She wanted a true relationship with him, only towards the end she knew that was something he couldn't give to her.

Looking back she believes if she had made the effort she could have had that with Ryan. He has such a kind soul and it is obvious that all he really wants is for someone to love him unconditionally. He is the type of guy that wants to settle down, is waiting for the right woman to come along that he can give his whole heart to. If she hadn't been so blind she would have realized that he was offering her that all along, only she had turned her back on him and now he wants nothing to do with her. She misses him terribly; if she is truthful with herself she can admit that she misses him more than Eric. More than anything, she misses his friendship because he was there for her more than her own parents were. If there was anyone she could count on that would be Ryan and, like everything else in her life, she fucked that up.

She might never fully regain anyone's trust at the lab and she understands why it might be difficult. She isn't sure if she will ever regain Ryan's trust again and that hurts, she never reported anything that could hurt the lab and she wishes everyone at the lab could see that. She knows why they can't take it into regard though, she would probably think the same way if the roles were reversed. They had done nothing wrong in the first place so really there was nothing she could report that could hurt the lab, they know this and in their heads she knows that they aren't a hundred percent sure she wouldn't have said anything if they had done something wrong. They have no solid proof stating that she wouldn't have and they can't just take her word for it, which is why they over-look the fact that she never did anything to hurt them. She wouldn't have said anything though and that is probably why this hurts like it does.

Rounding the corner toward the break room Natalia stops in her tracks when she sees Ryan sitting at the table. She is contemplating on going in there, not sure if he will just ignore her or if an argument will break out. Her choice is made for her when she sees Calleigh sit down next to him with two steaming cups of hot coffee, instantly she knows she can't go in there. Instead she watches from afar as Calleigh passes Ryan one of the cups of coffee and he gives her a polite smile. A small, longing smile forms on Natalia's lips, she has missed his smile. Sure he flashes it to just about anyone he speaks with, but hasn't smiled at her like at in what seems to be forever.

She never really took the time to realize just how much she has missed him, now she realizes how badly she wishes things would go back to the way they were before she got caught. She had never given herself the chance to realize how she was feeling, but now, as she watches the two in the break room, she can't hide from it.

Watching the two of them converse easily makes her feel a bit envious, she wishes she could talk with them without all the tension hanging over their heads. Watching them now though she realizes something that she hadn't noticed before, there is much more there than simple friendship and they aren't hiding it very well, if they are even trying to hide it at all. The bright smile on Calleigh's face as she looks at Ryan speaks volumes and they way he finds reasons to touch her any chance he gets makes things very clear.

A frown forms on Natalia's face when Calleigh reaches under the table and grasps onto Ryan's hand. Instantly his lips are form a bright smile and he shifts just a bit closer to her. In fact they are sitting rather close, but not enough to look suspicious. Natalia probably wouldn't even notice if she wasn't paying such close attention to them. The looks in their eyes hold such devotion and tenderness that there is no denying the truth: they are in love. Natalia idly wonders how long this has been going on between them, they seem to have done a pretty good job at hiding it though so it could have been going on for quite some time now.

A blanket of misery falls upon her when she takes notice of Calleigh's hand and she turns away when she can no longer stand looking at the proof of the mistake she made. Something sharp tugs at her heart as she forces her feet to move in the opposite direction and she is fighting desperately with all her strength to keep the tears inside. She is feeling rather melancholy now and wants nothing more than to run away from the pain eating away at her from within. It hurts to want what Calleigh has, especially knowing that she could very well have had it. She wants that stable relationship and unconditional love. She wants the ring that Calleigh has on her ring finger, but most of all she wants Ryan. She missed her chance though and can never get it back.

.The End.