A Stream of Consciousness
Part 4
Author: MacGateFan
Disclaimers in Part 1

Rodney sat in Elizabeth's office staring into space. He couldn't believe two of the first people he trusted the most had been fighting for their lives nearly a day ago. Now he was stuck as temporary leader of Atlantis and he wasn't all that happy about it.

When Colonel Caldwell arrived tomorrow, he didn't think he would like it either. In fact, he knew the commander of the Daedalus would leap at the chance to be in control.

That wasn't fair. Caldwell could be a pain in the ass, but he has helped saved them in the past despite the whole possessed by a Goa'uld thing.

Right now the thing he feared the most was the weekly check in with Earth. What were they going to say when they learned the Atlantis base leader and chief military officer were both lying in the infirmary?

Rodney's thoughts went back to his friends. When Mynar shot Elizabeth, a look of shock and terror was seen briefly on John's face. And all that blood. She was lucky to be alive.

He shuddered, upset about how morbid his thoughts had just become. He was about to call Carson to check on their status, when Chuck knocked on the door. "Dr. McKay, time for the weekly check in."

"Be right there," he managed to reply. How, he didn't know.

"You're making excellent progress, Love," Carson told Elizabeth. Her wound had healed nicely and she would be in her quarters later that evening. "The only thing I'm concerned about is that you don't seem interested in speaking with Colonel Sheppard."

Elizabeth nodded slowly, but didn't reply. "I realize this is difficult for you, but you have to understand it wasn't him."

She nodded again. "I know, Carson. It's just... Mynar didn't make it easy for me. I know looking like Serenity didn't help either. John... His eyes were so cold. I keep telling myself it wasn't him, but my eyes don't want to believe my mind."

"Aye, that's understandable," Carson replied.

Elizabeth swallowed around the lump in her throat. "It'll just take some time."

"Normally, I would agree with you, Dr. Weir, but we don't have much time right now."

"Why? What is it?"

"Colonel Sheppard isn't sleeping well and has been unable to keep any food down. Everytime he thinks about what happens, he becomes naseous or has the most terrifying dreams one could only imagine."

Elizabeth's eyes widened. "Is it that bad?"

"He's seem to have lost any will to live. Kate and I are afraid that if you can't help him to see past it and that you don't believe he did the things Mynar did, we're going to lose him."

Carson hated telling Elizabeth that. In fact, he felt that he was blaming her for the Colonel's condition. Kate had insisted it would be all right, but he wasn't so sure. The utter look of despair on Elizabeth's face made him realize what a mistake that one sentence was.

He was a little surprised, though, when she took a deep breath and looked him straight in the eyes, determination on her face. "I'll talk to him, Carson."

"All right, Love. He's awake right now, albeit a mite quiet. Even Rodney's hasn't been able to get a rise out of him."

She nodded as Carson helped her to sit up. The pain in her side had significantly lessened and once again she found herself thanking the SGC for sending such a competent medical staff. It was a little difficult walking the few feet to John's bed and she was nearly exhausted as Carson helped her sit.

Rodney looked at her and smiled. She returned the smile, and then took a deep breath, taking John's hand in hers. She noticed him tense, but he never turned to face her, only kept looking at Rodney.

"Sheppard," he said, "Elizabeth would like to talk to you."

Elizabeth had to strain to hear his response. "She doesn't want to talk to me. She shouldn't even be anywhere near me. I almost killed her, Rodney. I'm not safe to be around anymore."

"Okay!" Rodney exclaimed, "That's enough!"

Before Carson could even move, the astrophysicist had John by arm and was yanking at him to sit up. "I am so sick of you whining and crying about this! You didn't do anything wrong! Elizabeth is right there, alive and she doesn't blame you! No one does so get your head out of your ass and get over it!"

For the first time, John turned to face Elizabeth. She looked up at him and gave him a smile. "Rodney's right, you know. I don't blame you. It's true what Mynar did through you scared me, but I know you would never hurt me, John."


Carson watched the scene in complete shock. He was even more shocked at John's lack of speech. "Colonel?"

"I'm sorry," he gasped out. "I guess I really don't have an excuse for my behavior. I just want to get back to work."

"You're going to need to talk to Dr. Heightmeyer before you're back on duty, Son," the physician replied.

He nodded, clearly not happy about it. "Can I talk to Elizabeth alone?" he asked in a more subdued voice.

"Aye that you can. Come on, Rodney."

When the pair was out of earshot, John had finally settled back onto the bed. He looked over at Elizabeth and could tell she looked about as exhausted as he felt. He knew they would have to talk about this sooner or later.

John took a deep breath and began. "I was fine for awhile after Carson released me from the infirmary. When I got to my quarters, I realized something wasn't right. I needed air so I headed to the balcony.

"By the time you arrived, Mynar had taken over. I tried to fight him as he grabbed you. When he hit you, I screamed. When he shot you, I nearly died. He blamed me. Said it was my fault and for some reason I believed him. I don't know if he made me believe it or if I really thought I had done it."

Elizabeth nodded in sympathy. She remembered what it had felt like to have another consciousness in control and John had to endure it twice.

"I'm sorry I've been ignoring you. I shouldn't have done that. I know you could never hurt like that and you would kill anyone who tried. I guess it's a little difficult to do when it's just a consciousness in your mind."

"A little," John admitted, closing his eyes.

Elizabeth noticed a slight wince. "Headache?" she asked. At his nod, she gingerly got up, telling him she was getting Carson.

"Is everything all right, Love?" Carson wanted to know after he had gotten her and John both settled.

"It will be, Carson," she replied. She eyed him curiously. "And I thought I was getting out of here tonight."

"Tomorrow, I promise."

Elizabeth decided not to argue with the man as he turned and headed to his office. Besides, she could keep an eye on John Sheppard from where she was. She had a feeling Carson did this purposely, and she was grateful. Besides, technically she couldn't go back to work after Kate cleared her as well.


"John, you're supposed to be sleeping."

"I know."

"Then why are talking to me?"


Elizabeth smiled as she drifted off to sleep. That was as good a reason as any.