000Disclaimer, I own nothing at all 000 I actually have had this story written for a while...it's meant to something fun and silly. Warnings of some coarse language though.

Let me know what you think and...enjoy! 000

It was supposed to be easy.

He was extremely powerful and had more strength in his little finger than these weak puny creatures had in their entire bodies. He knew this for a fact, it had been proved on many occasions.

But after spending a mere hour on the planet he was struck with instant regret at only having two in his party.

It had all been so perfect in the beginning. There had been the usual expected response of the screaming and the running and the feeding – that was fun. That was what made the job worthwhile.

But after the first human snack he'd noticed a marked difference in their behaviour. Gone was the screaming, out had come some sort of double-barrelled weapon, and my did that make a really big hole.

Well that had been a bitch to heal; his side would never be the same again!

Unfortunately things had gone from bad to worse from that point, not even the darts flying overheard scooping up people made them give up. The stupid, puny, weak creatures just kept shooting, and shooting, and kicking. Especially kicking, he had learnt that the females of the species favoured one specific and painful spot to boot continuously.

He also learnt to close his eyes every time some human yelled "Eat mace, bastard!"

This was not in the manual.

This was not how things were supposed to go, this was not how he had seen things going at all. When he clomped towards people the usual response wasn't to race towards him screaming something he didn't understand.

Well, a few people did that on some planets, but usually not so many…and usually they didn't have quite as many flamethrowers (1).

Also, what was with the backchat? What was wrong with his outfit? Why did he have humans telling him "Halloween was last week, shit for brains, now get the fuck off my lawn!"(2) and "The zombie look was so last year" or "I didn't know they were making a new horror film here! Christ! The special effects on this film are fuckin' awesome!" (3)

Did they not realise he was a frightening monster out to kill them? (4)

Eventually though after taking down a few humans, stunning them, throwing them across the room, feeding off them, people started to understand what was happening.

Finally he got some of the normal reactions he was expecting, the running away, the screaming, the sobs of fear, cries of "where's Buffy when you need her?" Music to his ears, and somewhat bruised ego. This was how the job was supposed to go.

The bliss of humanity finally getting things right wore off seconds later as something big and metal sped towards him.

Of course the big metal things speeding towards him was somewhat of a new concept. He learnt pretty quickly to roll out the way especially after watching his partner get nailed to a tree by one of the moving metal things, then beaten by several frightened people.

Then as he clomped round a corner and saw a large band of extremely frightened, yet extremely angry people bearing down on him with burning torches, things with spikes on the end, and several more weapons, he considered, briefly, that it might not have been the greatest decision to come to Earth.

(1) Take one aerosol canister add one match and BOOM! You have yourself a homemade flamethrower. (5)

(2) Humans were nothing if not territorial, especially when confronted with a 6ft giant in what appeared to be a Halloween costume.

(3) The concept that it was an invasion force had missed some of the teenagers on the planet. Hollywood and its horror films had a lot to answer for in this respect.

(4) Earth, for the most part, had possibly missed the memo about the wraith attack on Thursday.

(5) Please, don't try this one out at home...

000 Let me know what you think :) 000