The set resembles Teletubby Land, without the freakish baby sun but with significantly more flowers and cute bunny rabbits. There are strings of heart lights draped around a peace sign patterned inflatable chair on which Azula is sitting.

AZULA: picking confetti out of hair Greetings, inferiors. Welcome to the first-ever episode of "Ask Azula", the only show that allows me to remedy your pathetic problems and graciously answer your insipid questions. Before we get started, let me answer a question that is probably plaguing you right now: what is the deal with this set?

Ty Lee giggles as she plays with a balloon

AZULA: As you probably guessed, I foolishly left set design up to Ty Lee. I originally wanted a velvet sofa and crimson drapery---I am partial to the old Victorian style---but according to Ty Lee the sale going on at Limited Too was far too good to pass up. Yes, I am infuriated by the set, but Ty Lee gave me the idea for this whole thing, therefore I shall give her 48 hours to change it before I kill her goldfish.

Mai drags in the mailbag with great difficulty, as there is a rabbit attached to her arm and blood is spurting everywhere.

MAI: I'm so tired… and one of those stupid rabbits won't get its teeth out of my arm…

AZULA: Dear, dear. Always thinking of yourself, aren't you Mai? Oh BOO HOO. Anyways, let's see the first letter!

Dear Azula: Why do you wear those pads? Are they decorative?

Sincerely, Just Curious

Dear Just Curious: What gave you the impression that I wear pads? I prefer tampons, considering I hardly ever----

MAI: I think "Just Curious" is referring to those shoulder pads on your uniform that don't seem to serve much of a purpose expect conceal the fact that you have boobs.

…….I was aware of that, Mai. I was being humorous. Haha. As for your question, Curious, these pads do serve a purpose. They make people wonder why I wear them! When I'm fighting someone in like 100+ degree weather, they look at my uniform and wonder why in God's name I'm so heavily dressed, and as they mull this over, I make a London Broil out of them. Pretty simple, eh? Well, apparently not to you.


Dear Azula: There are several fanfics and Livejournal communities that claim that you and Admiral Zhao are pursuing a relationship. The same is true with other communities that have you paired with Sokka, Mai, Ty Lee, and even Zuko! Are any of these true???

Sincerely, Freaking Out

Dear Freaking Out:

I, too, am freaking out, not only at the level of stupidity I am dealing with, but also at the fact that there are people out there who actually believe that I am the type of person who values relationships.

Zhao/Me? Zhao and I were friendly acquaintances, united in our hatred of Zuko, until he let the "Blue Spirit" make off with the Avatar. Then I burned all of his merit badges and that was the end of that. Why would I associate with an incompetent man who resembles a moderately evolved ape? Another point that these "shippers" fail to see is that if I wished to pursue a relationship with Zhao, as of now I'd have to do so in a submarine.

Ty Lee or Mai/ Me? I see just because I spent a couple days in a tank train with these two, that must mean I must be playing with them! Let me clarify something: I DO NOT EVEN PLAY SO MUCH AS A GAME OF PAI SHO WITH THEM. Please! I am not attracted to Ty, and drop all this "opposites attract" dung. She's too damn nice. She probably bids her crap farewell as she flushes it! ( you give me a bad mental image, you get one back) As for Mai, she's got a crush on Zuko! I may be related to him, but that does not mean I am a substitute! Plus, it's unwise to arouse a girl who has spring-loaded gun things strapped to her wrists and ankles.

Sokka/Me? Why don't I like him? Hmmm… he's from the Water Tribe, he's a peasant, his bag matches his belt… if you can't figure out why I'm not attracted, I am truly at a loss for what to say.

Zuko/Me? Whoever thought up this idiocy will pay. When I read this, I just about wet myself, and considering I watch executions for light amusement, that's pretty bad.

In conclusion, I am paired with no one. Anyone who says otherwise is lying. One more thing, I believe that there were several panels of "shipping" involving me at some sadistic ritual called "Comic Con". All were preposterous, do not believe them. (I did, however, enjoy the sneak peek trailer. There was some pretty sweet footage of me firebending.)


Dear Azula: Why don't you show up in more episodes? You're awesome.

Sincerely, A. Fan

Well, A. Fan, I appreciate your admiration---even though I AM entitled to it--- and would like to offer this as an answer.

You see the Avatar and his friend-things in practically every episode, right? And you're used to them, right? Well, there's little mystery to them. You constantly see them. Now, when they announced that Zuko was actually going to get a full episode to himself, people were going insane, although I cannot see why. The characters that are mysterious and are in less episodes are the most memorable and beloved, and so naturally I'm one of them.

I'm starting to enjoy these letters.


Dear Azula: How long should I cook my ramen noodles? The package doesn't say.

Sincerely, Hungry

Dear Hungry: Are you mentally challenged? You wasted 35 cents on postage and, judging by the stamping, you have been waiting a WEEK for me to tell you how long to cook a package of noodles.

Well, now I'm going to tell you.

Azula's Really Good Ramen Noodles

Boil some water in a big cauldron. If you stick your hand into the pot and your flesh is seared off, the water is hot enough. Next, throw in your noodles and some salt (the tears of a tortured captive may be used as a substitute for salt). Wait five minutes, then test the noodles by draping them on your stupid head and melting your scalp and screaming, "I'm an idiot!" When they finally cool, toss lightly with some oil and sesame seeds (I am partial to soy sauce) and enjoy.

Got that? Make sure you follow the directions EXACTLY, now!


Dear Azula: Why are you so psychopathic?

Sincerely, Wondering

Dear Loser, why are you so stupid?


Dear Azula: How do you manage to keep your hair slicked up in a perfect bun every day?? It's amazing! Even after you beat someone's butt, your hair is still flawless!

Sincerely, Bad Hair Day

Dear BHD, You wouldn't believe how many times I'm asked that. My secret to having perfect hair is that my hair is full of evil. Evil defies the norm, and if one's hair is full of evil, it allows your hair to defy gravity and assume all kinds of unusual hairstyles. Go become evil, and you'll have hair like mine in no time. Well, not really.

AZULA: Well, that's it for today's letters. Now it's time for "Entertainment with Mai". Mai will be performing an interpretive dance meant to illustrate her misery.

Ty Lee plays the kazoo, and Mai does a dance that resembles the death throes of a dying fish.

This has been another episode of "Ask Azula". Farewell, inferiors!