A/N: Wow, it's been a while since I've posted for this genre! Much too long, but the news of SG1 being cancelled sent me on a quest to find another show to take up the void the cancellation caused - thus, I found Law and Order: Criminal Intent. Vincent D'Onofrio may not be RDA, but he's a nice second place.

Takes place at the beginning of Season Three. You know, in that time before the terrible zay'tark testing. It's only as dirty as you make it.

Lick. Slurp. Lick.

"Carter? What is that?"


"What's what, sir?"

Suck. Lick.

"That thing in your mouth."

Pause. She looked at him warily.

"My lollypop, sir?"


"Is that what that is? I thought they were round."

Lick. Slurp.

"They are, sir. On Earth."


"Where'd you get it, Carter?"

"Mr. Wonka."

"Wonka? Like in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory?"

"Yes, sir. The ompa loompas on P4R-3R90 introduced us last week, remember?"


"Sir, he was the one that gave you the everlasting gobstopper!"

She had this cute little scowl on her face as one of her hands migrated to rest on her hip in a purely maternal act while the other one waved her 'lollypop' around threateningly.

"Sir, you're not even listening to me!"

"Huh?" Jack's eyes tore themselves away from the thing in Carter's hand and back to her face. "Yes, I am. And, Carter, if he gave that thing to you last week, why is it still here?"

She shrugged, put the thing back in her mouth and brought up a diagram on her laptop. "Well, according to my calculations, sir, and the rate of decay, it should last me about ten years if I only bring it out twice a week, and four times a week when I'm on my menstruation cycle."

Jack raised his eyebrows: ten years of watching his 2IC suck on something she claimed was a lollypop? Okay, maybe it was a lollypop … but when it looked like a …

"Carter, what's that thing supposed to look like, anyway?"

She took it out of her mouth and cocked her head to one side with a slight frown as she studied the candy, "I think it's supposed to be a tree, sir."

He looked at the item as well, unable to identify the different branches molded into the hard candy. Sure, a tree.

A/N: Okay, how was my little delve into humor? Too ... smutty? Please review.