Chapter 3: Change
When I woke the next morning Gackt was gone. A note by my head was the only sign to explain his disappearance. It read. Hyde, I've gone to class. Feel free to stay as long as you like. Gackt.
I reread the note twice before climbing out of the bed and pulling on my pajamas. I made the bed hastily and left the room. It was still quite early so I moved quietly to my room, my slippers muffling my hurried steps. The bedroom door stood open when I reached the room. Trash was everywhere and my roommate was nowhere to be seen. I kicked through the beer cans and cigarette buds to reach my bed which was messy, the covers hanging loosely to the floor. I pulled back the covers and there found the crust of something white sticking to the sheets. Urghh, was that sperm? Someone had had sex in my bed. I turned up my nose and threw the covers back over the beer stained mattress. I crossed to the closet and pulled out what was left of my clothes. There were only a few pairs of jeans and two shirts left, the rest were gone, stolen in the raucous of last night. I felt the urge to cry, but forced myself to push the feeling aside. Crying wouldn't get my stuff back or make my current situation any better. I'd have to ask for another roommate after class. That was the only solution.
Clothing in hand I walked to the bathroom and bathed in one of the many high stalled showers. The hot water felt good against my cold skin. I bent my head for a moment, letting the water flow from my head to my back and chest, down my legs and feet into the drain beneath. I sighed resoundingly and began to wash the smell of Gackt's cologne from my body. When I finished his scent still lingered, though it wasn't as strong as before. I switched off the water, wrapped a towel around my waist and stepped through the shower curtain into the fluorescent lighted bathroom.
A girl stood in front of the mirrors wearing tight jeans and a white polo tee. She applied her makeup and I could see from the corner of her eye hers following my walk from the shower to the changing area. She smiled when she saw me looking and proceeded to put on her lip gloss. I stepped behind the changing shade and dressed. It was a bit uncomfortable seeing as she only stood a short distance away, but I couldn't be coy. I had a class in less than an hour.
When I emerged from behind the shade she was still there sitting atop the sink, her arms crossed over her chest.
"Hello," she said looking at my profile as I stopped in front of a sink beside her.
"Hello," I smiled back as I pulled a paper towel from it dispenser and placed it under then water running freely into the sink. I looked at myself in the mirror and leaned my head to the side to dab my burning skin with the wet cloth.
"Wild night I see," the girl smirked.
"It's not what it looks like," I lied.
She shrugged and jumped down from the sink top and moved closer to my side. "I'm Ai Nasaki," she smiled.
I had heard that name before. Oh, yes. On the stairwell. She had been one of the four girls giggling about Gackt and who had looked at me like I was an insect when I had fallen on the stairs. "I'm Hyde Takarai," I said smiling at her now. I wondered what she wanted.
I watched her in the mirror as she moved a little closer, her eyes on my neck. "You're Gackt's friend, right?" she asked, looking at my face in the mirror.
I nodded and lowered the towel from my neck. "Why do you ask?"
"No reason. I've seen you together a lot. Is he your best friend or something?"
I shrugged. "We're friends. I don't know if we're that close. Why?"
I turned to face her now. She clasped her hands together. "Does he have a girlfriend?" Her eyes lit up and she bounced on the tips of her toes. I sighed. I figured it was something trivial as this. I shook my head.
"I don't know. You'll have to ask him."
I could tell my answer hadn't been the one she'd hoped for but she looked satisfied nonetheless. She leaned against the sink in thought again and I took the opportunity to make my leave. I gathered my things and left the room and instead of going back to my room I went to Gackt's. He hadn't gotten back yet so I placed my pajamas and bath things on the floor by my guitar and stepping back out, closed the door. I hoped he wouldn't mind. The thought of putting my stuff in my room in its current state disgusted me.
Going to my room one final time to get my school things I ran downstairs and across the grounds to class. I was already running a few minutes late.
After a long day of classes and moving my stuff from my third floor room to the fourth, I now sat in a chair in Gackt's room strumming hopelessly on my guitar.
"You're playing that all wrong," Gackt moaned nudging my hand from the neck of the guitar and showing me what I was doing wrong by using his own guitar. I watched silently as he played the riff and I tried again to imitate his movement with my own guitar.
"Nope, you're still not getting it," he huffed, grabbing his hair in his hands and shaking his head. "Urghh, Haido," he growled. "Try again."
"I've been trying," I said getting frustrating and dropping my arms down to my side. "For the last hour I've been trying. I can't get it. It's too hard."
"It's not hard," he hissed getting frustrated as well at my stubbornness nonetheless. "You're pressing too hard on the string and the chord is all wrong. Look at how I'm playing."
"I am looking…"
"Really look Haido," he snapped cutting me off. I sighed and scooted down to the floor at his knees.
I cocked my head to the side and watched his fingers move, watched how he caressed the strings with skill I had yet to learn. It reminded me of someone running their fingers over still water; they touched the surface but created no waves. "See," he whispered. I nodded. The sound the instrument made was nothing I had every heard and definitely something I would never be able to create.
"Now you try," he said nudging me in the shoulder with his knee. I sneered at him and retook my seat on the chair before him. I was nervous. I always was when I played for him. It was like being under constant scrutiny. He was tough and never settled for anything but the best and so far my playing had been anything but.
I closed my eyes and took the guitar in my hands. I envisioned what he had just played and how it had sounded to my ears. I could hear it, but I was nervous that I would not be able to play it. I shifted uncomfortably and played the first few notes .They were the easy part, fast and practical guitar basics. Then came the riff and I froze, my fingers dangling over the strings.
"Relax," he said. "You're too tense." I squinted at him then closed my eyes again. How was I supposed to 'relax' with him watching my every move? It was freaking impossible. I felt him walk around me and stand at my back. His hands rubbed my shoulders as I played. They squeezed, caressed and assuaged the pressure away and slowly my fingers lightened their grip on the instrument, caressing them just as gently as he rubbed me.
Then I heard it, the angelic whisper of the notes I heard him play moments before. I thought it was Gackt playing it again, but no, his hands moved on my shoulders and arms relaxing my tension. It was I who played the notes now. I was actually doing it. I strummed the last note and paused, my eyes closed in happiness.
I felt Gackt kiss the top of my head and I looked up and smiled. He smiled back at me before bending to kiss my lips, his fingers cupping my chin. I groaned hungrily as his tongue spread my lips and feasted. He was really a good kisser! I thought he would break the kiss and congratulate me, but no, he deepened it, forcing my head back with his hands.
It was weird kissing this way, upside down. Instead of suckling his bottom lip, I sucked the top, my tongue trailing the inner edge. I smiled into the kiss as the front legs of the chair I sat in rose from the ground. My feet dangled inches over the floor. I turned my head to the right and gripped his head in my left hand. His hot lips moved expertly as I opened my mouth wider to allow him more entry, which he took readily. The kiss was wet, hurried and titillating, so when there was a knock on the door and we broke apart in alarm, my chair falling back onto the floor, we were both out of breath and panting for air.
"Who is it?" Gackt asked looking at the door. I wiped my lips and turned in the chair.
"It's me, Ai Nasaki," the girl on the other side of the door yelled. Gackt looked at me curiously and I shrugged, biting my bottom lip.
Gackt smoothed his flying hair down and opened the door. Ai, the girl from the bathroom, stepped over the threshold and smiled up at him. She had changed her clothes. Her jeans were now replaced with a pink skirt and her white shirt was now a pink sleeveless tank top. Her hair hung loosely over her shoulders and white hoop earrings dangled from her earlobes. She looked ready for a night out.
"You ready?" she asked looking at Gackt.
For a moment I thought he didn't know what she was talking about, but then he yelled "Oh," and shook his head. "Not yet. Could you give me a minute?"
She nodded and looked at me. "Hello Hyde," she smiled and a curious quirk or her eyebrow signaled that she knew she'd interrupted something and thought it amusing. I waved and she left the room closing the door after her.
"You have a date?" I asked looking at his back as he made for the closet.
"Not exactly. It's just a party. You want to come?"
I shook my head. I wasn't big on parties, not after the one that destroyed my room the other night. I watched as he slid open the closet door and rummaged through his clothes. One of the hangers he pushed aside had my clothing on it. I had brought them down so I wouldn't have to make a trip to my room upstairs in the morning.
He took off his white shirt and pulled on a red one. He dropped his sweat pants and pulled on a pair of denim jeans. "Are you sure you don't want to come?" he asked as he sat on the foot of the bed and searched around for his shoes. I grabbed them from the floor and gave them to him.
"I'm sure," I sighed. I didn't want him to leave. I stood and took a seat to his left and rubbed his back. "Gaku," I whined, calling him by his childhood nickname. "Don't go."
He peered at me and sighed. "I won't be long. I promise," he said kissing my forehead.
I watched sadly as he pulled on his leather jacket and made for the door. "I'll be back." he smiled, opening the door and stepping out. I saw Ai waiting for him on the top steps before the door closed with a snap.
I flopped onto my back and sighed heavily. Why was I surprised? I knew Gackt loved to party and whenever he wasn't in class or with me, he was looking for the next hottest party to attend. I had only been at this school a week and I already knew his routine. He would wake up, go to class, eat, practice guitar, eat and then go out to party. I fit somewhere in the middle of all that. I wasn't angry that he wanted to go out rather than spend time with me. He had asked me to come along hadn't he? I just wished he could find pleasure in staying inside at night instead of roaming the streets with girls like Ai. I couldn't change a tiger's strips though, so I settled for waiting until he got back.
I lay in his bed between the cold sheets and listened to the wind blowing outside the open window. Its whisper wasn't soothing tonight so it blew as background noise to my pounding heart. I couldn't sleep because each time I closed my eyes I pictured him stumbling up the stairs drunk or hurt somewhere because he had gotten into a fight with someone and hadn't come out on top. What was he doing now? I thought. My mind formulated the most horrific images, but I hastily brushed them aside. He was fine. He would come in late, undress and climb into the bed beside me and I'd wake up in the morning hating myself for worrying the night before.
I didn't know why I cared so much about him. God, I'd only known him a week and I was already worrying about the guy. He wasn't my responsibility and I wasn't even sure if he was my boyfriend. We only fooled around. When I made an attempt to talk about our relationship he would grab his guitar and start playing, blocking me out and some how making me forget my anger by willing me to play with him, which I did readily, music being my weakness.
There were so many neon signs where Gackt was concerned. The only thing we had in common were our love for music and crunchy cheetos. He liked to go out. I liked to stay in. He liked to date multiple people and I couldn't juggle one. He was the ying to my yang. We came together in our music, but there was always that little part of ourselves that the other would never understand. He had called me reserved that day in the cab and I was compared to him.
He was everything I hoped to be some day. I wasn't loquacious and I stayed to myself. It had to be because I had grown up quite alone in a less than loving home. Being the only child, I had to entertain myself and now in adulthood I couldn't bring myself out of my shell. Maybe Gackt would do that for me. He had already if I was truthful with myself. I would never have slept naked with another person until I met him. The sexual exploration was change enough, but that wasn't the only thing that had changed about me in such a short time. My music was changing. My range of style was widening each day and I even listened to one of his rock cds one night while he was taking a shower. I couldn't get enough of the stuff now. He had laughed when he came across me banging my head up and down to the music. Instead of making fun he joined me. That night, listening to countless pop and rock cds until we both passed out in exhaustion had been a night I would never forget.
I was tired now and reliving the past only slowed down time. I glanced at the clock and saw that only an hour had passed since he left. Groaning, I undressed and closed my eyes. Pulling his cologne scented sheets over my shoulder I went asleep.
My sleep went undisturbed for three hours until I was pulled out of my stupor by Gackt climbing under the sheets. He massaged open mouth kisses up my arms to my shoulder, the peachy fuzz of his early morning facial hair brushing my warm skin. I rolled onto my back and reached for him, pulling him into my arms and kissing him hungrily on the lips. I tasted alcohol on his tongue, but it didn't stop me from deepening the kiss. He moaned deep in his throat as he pulled down my pants and surprisingly my boxers as well and parting my thighs, climbed between, wrapping my legs around his waist. It was then that I realized he was naked below the waist. His arousal pressed against my stomach sending chills from the point where it made contact downward to my penis that was quickly filling with blood as he hunched against my bottom. I tried to speak but he recaptured my lips, violating my mouth with his prying tongue.
I gripped his arms and pushed him back. I knew where this was heading and I wasn't ready. I wanted him, but not under these circumstances. He was drunk. I couldn't let my first time happen like this.
"Gackt, stop," I said turning my head to the side as he tried to kiss me again. I squeezed his arms and shook him once. "Stop," I hissed. What he did next frightened me.
He pushed my arms to the side and grabbing both my wrist in his hand, raised them above my head making my back arch from the bed. "Stop fighting me," he snapped as he recaptured my lips. I whimpered as his free hands gripped my neck and squeezed just enough to make me gasp for breath when he released. Oh God! I trembled under his hold and closed my eyes and he suckled my neck. "Please stop," I murmured helplessly. I was genuinely scared when he didn't stop his attack, but instead reached underneath the covers and gripped me in his hands and stroked.
His name escaped my lips on a breathless moan and my final attempt to push him away faded into the darkness. I squeezed my eyes close, pressing my head back into the pillow and groaned as he captured my lips yet again. My body reacted and I couldn't stop it. No matter how much I resisted, as he touched down there, a place where no one had touched before, I couldn't push him away even if I tried. My body yearned yes, but my fear screamed no. This couldn't be happening to me. But it was. His smooth fingers felt so good against me that I shuddered at his touch. I think he thought I'd finally given into his play for he released my arms and gripped my shirt to pull it over my head.
"No," I said stopping him. "Gackt, you're drunk. Stop!"
"I know what I'm doing," he said, his voice steady and unshaken. He didn't sound drunk when he spoke and I began to doubt myself. I sat up and gripped his chin in my hands.
"I said no," I hissed as coldly as I could, peering into his eyes that wavered for a minute under my gaze. His eyes faltered and he looked away.
"Don't you like me Haido?" he asked. His voice was weak like a child's voice after being reprimanded by an authoritative adult. He lay at my side and stared at the ceiling and then around at me.
"Yes, I like you. But you're drunk Gaku. You don't know what you're doing." I caressed his cheek and bent to kiss him on the forehead. "Go to sleep now. We'll talk about this in the morning," I whispered cuddling closer to his side.
I was thankful when he didn't question me and did as I wanted. I didn't give into my tiredness until his breathing calmed and I was sure that he was asleep.
We didn't talk about that night the next morning. Not because I didn't want to, but because he seemed not to remember anything at all about it. I didn't want to sadden him by telling him how scared I'd been the night before so I kept my thoughts to myself. However, I did tell him I didn't like when he drank and though he didn't remember what happened, my tone seemed to have had a deeper impact than I realized. He shook his head. "I won't drink anymore," he said matter-of-factly. I knew I could trust him so I didn't press him anymore.
The next few months passed unimportantly. With the same routine every day my life seemed to be going in circles or rather a straight line with no sign of an end.
3 weeks later.
"Yes mother. I know you're eager to see me," I said smiling into the phone as I leaned my head on the side of the payphone box.
"You've been gone so long my son. I can't bear to be away from you a second later." I sighed into the phone and laughed.
"The train ride will only take a few hours mother. Before you know it I'll be on your doorstep and then you won't be able to get rid of me," I joked.
I heard her snicker on the other end of the phone and my heart eased. It was rather stressful on me to know that my mother worried about me so much.
"And who is this friend you're bringing with you?" she asked her tone more serious now than before. I turned at the sound of a tap on the glass and grimaced at Gackt who made goofy faces at me through the glass. I waved at him to go away and pouted when he face looked crestfallen.
"It's the guy I told you about. Gackt Camui."
"Oh, all right. Tell your friend that I can't wait to meet him," she said. On the other end of the line I could hear my father's voice. I couldn't tell what he said but when my mother came back to the line her voice rang with a little less mirth.
"Haido," she said sadly. "I miss you so much."
A large lump seemed to have formed in my throat at the sound of her voice so weak, fragile even. "I'm on my way now Mother."
When I got off the line my hand lingered on the earpiece for a second longer than necessary. What was going on? Was my father turning his hatred for me on my mother? I had to get home and find out.
I stepped out of the box and Gackt instantly swept down on me. "Ready?" he said grabbing our bags from the ground and smiling happily. I nodded. I don't know if he noticed a change in my demeanor but when we climbed onto the train fifteen minutes later the train couldn't have moved fast enough.