Hey, I figured I could do more author-pining if I split it between the chapters, so here I go again:
Obviously the language is my second problem.
Somehow I feel that English is the only appropriate language for this and anyway, if I wrote it in German there probably wouldn't be many people reading it.
But this means I keep running into a lack of vocabulary. Sorry if it gets a bit repetitive.
Jacob was trying to figure out, if he was hoping for that night to be over or if he dreaded the oncoming day even more.
And after long and sleepless hours of thoughts hammering at his brain he still didn't know what to make of this night's events.
Will kissing him had been a right shock, but it had also been surprisingly enjoyable. Jacob had tried kissing some one or two girls in his life but had given up on it since the experience had never seemed that worthwhile to him.
He'd figured that either he just hadn't met the right one yet or, a suspicion that had been growing on him recently, that everybody was just making too much fuss about the whole thing.
Well, he had definitely been wrong there.
Kissing Will had been anything but indifferent and his hands had somehow turned his whole body into sensitive area. But at the same time there had been that horrible fear, that this wasn't right, that this couldn't be happening, that any second now his brother would draw back and yell at him for not having done the same.
And when his worst fears finally came true it had been far too late to save anything.
There was no way they could put that down as, well, oh, got a bit carried away there, but really, nothing actually happened – not after they had spilled the certain proof that there had indeed a lot been going on onto each other.
The way Will had turned away from him afterwards still stood painful in front of his eyes every time he tried to close them, and wouldn't go away.
Just one look at him had obviously been enough to disgust Wilhelm so much that he couldn't even yell at him any more.
And now the tears were trying to well up again. He had never been so close to his brother and yet felt so alone.
If only this horrible night was over and they could be on the road again and by the time they'd reached the next guesthouse, with hopefully lots of free beds, pretend that nothing had happened …
The sun was slowly coming up and through the rather small and dirty window painted the room in a cold and dim grey.
Jacob didn't dare to get up. That'd mean he had to react somehow and he just didn't know how to meet his brother.
He'd just pretend to be asleep until Will woke up.
Little later the bouncing of the mattress told him that one body had been subtracted from the bed. Jake waited till he heard the door and his brother's steps on their way out to the yard, then he got up as well.
When Wilhelm came back to the room he shot his brother a glance but didn't meet his eyes.
"Mornin'" he mumbled and grabbing his stuff, hastily left again.
Jacob watched his back, feeling completely awful and fought down yet another onslaught of tears.
'It's going to be fine. We just need some time. He's not going to avoid me forever.'
Not quite believing his own mantra, Jacob made his way after his brother.
The following days his doubts proofed to be legitimate. Will hardly talked to him and whenever he happened to meet his eyes, looked away immediately. How he was planning to enact their usual show once they've reached Großenlinden was anyone's guess.
Maybe he's just going to do it alone, thought Jacob. I was never very good at that anyway.
But that was beside the point. The main thing was: it hurt.
He'd taken to flinching whenever he passed his brother's vision, because he'd come to expect the abrupt turning away and it hit like a stroke. Every time.
The idea that his mere sight was enough to sicken his brother so much was unbearable and even if Will could ever treat him in a normal way again it was not going to be any time soon, that was for sure.
Feeling that he couldn't take this any longer, Jake fought with himself over a hard decision.
Wilhelm was sitting outside the guesthouse where they had stopped for dinner, seemingly lost in thought.
Jacob approached him nervously, fidgeting with the straps of the small bundle that held his personal belongings.
"Ehm, Will, I, em, I've been thinking, and I, I think it might be … might be best if we just split up …" Chewing his lip and only now raising his eyes from the ground he was surprised to find his brother suddenly staring full at him, with a shocked and disbelieving expression.
"What? But … oh, shit, I, Jake, I'm so sorry, I, you, you can't …" Wilhelm seemed frantic, but somehow lost for words and was interrupted by his younger brother: "Will! You can't even bear looking at me, and I …if I cause you so much revulsion … well, I guess it's the best all round …"
He swallowed and looked down again, thus missing Wilhelm's open-mouthed expression of absolute shock and pain.
"What? No, I, … Jake, I'm, you can't really think I find you revolting. That's just so gross. I, Gods, I'm so sorry, I …,"
Jake raised his head in surprise when he heard his brother's voice break and sobs started to mingle with his words. Will looked perfectly miserable, fighting with himself and trying to find words.
"I, alright, I, it's just, whenever I look at you, I feel like doing other things as well, you know, but, but I swear I'm not going to touch you again, I swear, please don't leave, please, don't, I, I'm so sorry, please, don't leave me, I swear …"
The last words spilling out in a rush and tears starting to well up, Will found himself suddenly silenced but his brother's lips pressed roughly against his own.
"No!" said a panicky voice in the back of his head, "Don't make it worse!", but was instantly overwhelmed by his body melting into the kiss and then blown away together with the self-reproaching thoughts of too many days.
Much later, when they were up in the room they had decided to take for the night, gladly sharing one of the two available beds, Wilhelm was amazed at how good and content one could actually feel. He momentarily tightened the embrace around his brother further and set a firm kiss onto his temples. "I love you." he stated affectionately and felt Jacob smile in his arms. "And I love you."