Jigsaw's Dinner Party

By Baalzamon


(Jigsaw, now retired from teaching people life lessons, invites a few of his past victims to an apologetic dinner he's holding at his hideout in the old mannequin factory. NOTE: Any time you see 'do do do, do do do do do!' it's the music that plays at the end of the first movie when Jigsaw gets off the ground)

(Jigsaw and his guests are all seated around a long wooden dinner table with all kinds of food on it. The pig mask is in the center with an apple in its mouth)

Jigsaw: Hello everyone, I want to play a ga-

(Jigsaw slaps himself and shakes his head)

Jigsaw: No, no I don't want to play a game, damnit! I'm done with that, I'm a changed person!

(Jigsaw's guests all just stare at him)

Jigsaw: Anyway, thank you for coming. I realize it's been hard for you all, considering the pain and suffering I've put you all through, but you gotta realize I did it to help you. It's all in good fun. What are a few death contraptions between friends…? Am I right? C'mon, Mark, don't look so gloomy.

(Mark glares daggers at Jigsaw as his entire body continues to burn brightly from the flammable substance smeared on his body)

Mark: I'm in incredible pain…

Jigsaw: Of course you are. Now as I was saying, this dinner is my way of saying 'I'm sorry you all suck and lost your games'.

Dr. Gordon: You know, Jigsaw-

Jigsaw: Hey, hey, my name is John. The newspapers coined the term Jigsaw, though I don't know why. Probably from the Jigsaw piece I cut from each of my victims…

Paul: Yeah, can we get those back by the way?

Jigsaw: NO! They are mine to keep! (Jigsaw clutches a small box tightly) Besides… you'd end up cutting yourself again anyway.

Paul: Oh come on! I cut myself ONCE. And it was on a dare. Thanks to you my family thinks I'm suicidal! I wasn't the emo-slasher you made me out to be on that damn tape of yours.

(Jigsaw pulls out a tape recorder and presses the PLAY button)

Tape Recorder: Yes you were.

Paul: Oh my god, are you kidding-

Dr. Gordon: Drop it, Paul! Now, Jigsaw- err, John, whatever your name is. Some tests were harder than others. It wasn't really fair, doncha think?

Jigsaw: Nonsense, my traps were "problem-specific". They got what they deserved! I don't play favorites with my subjects!

Dr. Gordon: Oh really? I had to saw my fucking foot off, and SHOOT a guy! What did Amanda have to do? Kill a doped up guy and unlock her headgear?

Amanda: Do you have any idea how stressful that was? You had six hours to kill that guy with a gun. I had like 46 seconds to gut a guy and unlock myself before my mouth became wider than a hooker's vagina!

Dr. Gordon: Be that as it may, how was my trap "problem-specific"? I spent more time at work than I did with my family. 'Oh em gee, I guess that means his foot is an issue and he has to kill an innocent guy'. And you, Amanda, you were a drug addict. What does ripping your jaw open have to do with that? And Mark…

(Mark just sits and stares ahead at a spot on the wall to take his mind off the pain)

Dr. Gordon: …You got 'burned' for all the people you've 'burned' with your act. Ooooh, metaphoric demise. Real crafty there, Jigsaw-

Zep: His name is John. He's a very interesting person-

Dr. Gordon: WHATEVER! The only people who had "problem-specific" traps were like, Paul 'cuz he cut himself, and Michael because of his spying.

Jigsaw: Hey, hey. Stop right there, Dr. Gordon. I'll have you know that there are only so many traps that can apply to specific 'issues' my subjects have. What was I supposed to do to you? Lock you in your office and go "Dr. Gordon, you work all the time, uh… time to work more!" No, that'd be stupid, and the main plot of the story would be even stupider. You and the rest simply got traps that helped you appreciate the life you had better.

Dr. Gordon: Okay, granted, but what about Adam? What was he supposed to do? His tape wasn't even specific! It just told him he MIGHT die in this room, and asked whether he was going to do anything about it. How is he appreciating life better from that?

(Adam suddenly wakes up and flops out of the bathtub sitting next to the table. Dripping wet, he takes his seat at an empty chair across from Dr. Gordon)

Adam: Seriously, what the fuck? I wrote the screenplay and I don't even get that.

Jigsaw: You wrote the what?

Adam: Nevermind.

Jigsaw: Look, let's not focus on specifics. The thing is, you're all here now, you're grateful to be alive, aaaaaaaand we're cool now, right?

(Jigsaw looks around at everyone with thumbs up. Mark simply… stares)

Dr. Gordon: Alright, alright. We're cool now. But I am curious; what made you give it all up?

(Jigsaw takes a deep breathe and stares into space for a moment)

Jigsaw: Well… it kinda went downhill from Jeff. I started running out of ideas…

(Cue flashback)

(A man wakes up in an empty room, with four cages built into the walls. He takes a tape recorder off the floor and presses the PLAY button)

Tape Recorder: Hello, Robert. I noticed that you are a Zoo Keeper. Everyday you see animals… and… uh… LIONS!!!

(The cages open and hundreds of lions pour into the room and maul Robert to death)

(End flashback)

Jigsaw: …So… I just figured I'd lost my touch.

Amanda: That's not true; don't be so hard on yourself. You still got it in ya, Jiggy!

Jigsaw: Listen bitch, first off you're not my apprentice anymore, so stop sucking up to me. And second, if you ever call me 'Jiggy' again… I'll cut you.

Adam: So uh, what's that camera for?

(Everyone looks at the camera behind the bullet-proof glass)

Jigsaw: Oh, that thing. That's just so I can make copies of tonight's happy occasion and give you them so you can show all your friends how reformed and nice your good old friend John is.

Adam: I don't like it.

(Adam throws a couple of rocks at the glass)

Jigsaw: Stop… Stop that.

Dr. Gordon: It's no use Adam. Everything has been pre-thought out by him.

Adam: You sound like you admire this prick.

Jigsaw: HEY, hello there? I'm RIGHT here… Calling your host a prick to his face: not cool.

Adam: Waddya gonna do about it?

Jigsaw: What am I gonna do about it? You ungrateful little… I'll tell you what I'll do, I'll play a ga- No! No, damnit! Don't tempt me, Adam. I just got out of rehab. I'm fragile… (dark evil voice) Like my subjects in their darkest hour… (normal voice) So just, chill.

Dr. Gordon: I'm almost afraid to ask… but who's that?

(Dr. Gordon indicates a man strapped to a chair with a metallic collar around his neck and a gag across his mouth. To either side of his head are drills pointed towards him)

Jigsaw: Oh that's Jeff. He's a test subject for something greater than himself.

Author's Note: Not to be confused with Jeff from the third movie, this Jeff is the old guy from the first movie that the cops stumbled upon. From now on, this Jeff will be referred to as "Unimportant Jeff".

Dr. Gordon: …You sure you're reformed? That sounds very Jigsaw-ish to me.

Jigsaw: Oh no, it's okay to keep Jeff. He's been strapped there since I started my work. Technically I haven't touched him since rehab, so I'm not doing anything wrong.

Unimportant Jeff: (muffled cries)

Dr. Gordon: You know you should probably let that guy go…

Jigsaw: Hey, HEY! Did I question YOU when you told me my frontal lobe tumor was inoperable? I'm SICK from the disease… (Jigsaw taps his own head)…And he's perfectly healthy.

Dr. Gordon: No, but you kidnapped me and chained me to a pipe in a dirty bathroom for over 6 hours.

Jigsaw: Yeah… I already apologized for that. I'll say it again if it makes you feel any better. I'm SORRY.

Dr. Gordon: (mumbles) saying sorry won't bring my FOOT back…

Mark: What about me?

(Jigsaw and Dr. Gordon look at Mark)

Jigsaw: What about you?

Mark: Where's MY apology? You lit me on FIRE! I'm STILL on fire! This flammable shit doesn't come off! And to make matters worse, I'm naked!

(Everyone suddenly realizes that Mark is naked. At the same time they realize Paul is in his diaper-like underwear. They glance from Paul to Zep, who's in his underwear as well)

Adam: I get Mark and Paul, but why are you in your underwear, Zep?

Zep: It's the rules…

(Adam glances at Jigsaw with a confused look on his face)

Jigsaw: (shrugs) It's true.

Adam: You're a sick prick.

Jigsaw: Yes I'm sick Adam. Sick from the disease eating away at me from the inside-

Dr. Gordon: Yea we get it, Jigsaw, you have cancer. We're all crying our eyes out for you here. (Rolls eyes)

Zep: His name is John-

Jigsaw: Thank you, Zep, but I can defend myself.

(Jigsaw turns to Dr. Gordon)

Jigsaw: My name is John. Stop calling me Jigsaw… it reminds me of the good old days.

Adam: …The GOOD old days? You mean before you had cancer, or before you were a sick homicidal prick?

Jigsaw: Hey! I am sick; sick from the disease-

Adam: WE KNOW-

Jigsaw: -and I might be a prick, but I am not homicidal. I do not condone murder.

Adam: Cuz ya know, clearly your victims didn't die.

Jigsaw: Well… you didn't. You're all here right now.

(Adam looks around at everyone, then looks back at Jigsaw)

Adam: …odd… but true. I retract my statement.

Michael: I'm GONNA die soon! This god damn mask keeps ticking! It taunts me!!!

Jigsaw: Oh, Michael. That mask won't close until I say the magic words.

Michael: Well… can you get the key out of my eye at least? It's really uncomfortable.

(Jigsaw chuckles)

Jigsaw: Oh Michael, Michael, Michael……… No. It is a reminder of your failure.

(Michael sobs a bit more)

Jigsaw: What say we enjoy the fine food I've prepared for us all?

(Everyone starts putting food on their plate. Jigsaw grabs some turkey and mashed potatoes and looks around the table with a confused look on his face. He pulls out a tape recorder and whispers into it; then passes the recorder to Paul)

(Paul picks up the recorder and presses the PLAY button)

Tape Recorder: Hello Paul, I want to play a game… Pass the salt please.

Paul: That's it? You couldn't have just asked me that? In fact the salt is closer to you than it is to me.

Jigsaw: I said please.

Paul: Regardless, that makes no sense.

Jigsaw: Says you. But by you getting me the salt, you appreciate life. Better hurry up, at 3 o'clock the salt will be empty and this room becomes your tomb.

(Paul just stares at Jigsaw)

Paul: …That makes even less sense.

Adam: God damnit, just give him the damn salt! It'll shut you both up.

(Paul passes Jigsaw the salt)

Jigsaw: Congratulations, you are still alive. Most people are so ungrateful to be alive. But not you, not anymore.

(Jigsaw goes to pour the salt and the metallic top falls off, dumping a pile of salt onto his turkey. He just stares at his plate)

Jigsaw: Oh real mature, Paul.

(Adam cracks up)

Adam: Ahahaha, that was great Paul. Thumbs up for that one. Class-A Jigsaw work there.

Jigsaw: Jigsaw work? That was stupid, I could do so much better than that.

Adam: Yeah whatever.

(Adam unfolds his napkin with his eating utensils in it, but finds only a spoon, a knife, and a tape recorder; no fork)

Adam: Are you kidding me?

Jigsaw: Go on, play the tape Smarty Pants.

(Adam presses the PLAY button)

Tape Recorder: Rise and shine Adam. You have no fork for which to eat your salad. It's a shame you made fun of Jigsaw, otherwise this wouldn't have happened. So are you not going to eat your food, or do something about it?

Adam: This is stupid.

Jigsaw: Nonsense, it's my most clever trap yet!

Adam: Oh yeah?

(Adam begins eating the salad with his hands)

Jigsaw: Hey, stop that! Stop that! You're cheating! You're supposed to steal a fork from Dr. Gordon or something!

(Adam keeps eating)

Adam: MMMM, it's soooooo good. I'm sooooo glad I can eat without a fork.

Jigsaw: Stop that! You're making a mockery of my game! Don't forget the rules!

Adam: What rules? You didn't even include rules in your tape. You are getting sloppy, Jigsaw.

Zep: His name-

(Adam slaps Zep across the face)

(Jigsaw snatches Adam's salad away from him)

Jigsaw: No more for you. You don't play by the rules.


Jigsaw: It's okay Amanda, just calm down.

Dr. Gordon: You people all have issues. I'm a doctor, I would know.

(Dr. Gordon takes a bite of his Italian hero and his teeth clank on something metallic)

Dr. Gordon: If there's a tape recorder in my hero, then I'm leaving.

Jigsaw: Don't say that. Besides, it might not be a tape recorder.

Dr. Gordon: Come on, you and I both KNOW it is a tape recorder.

Jigsaw: Just sayin', it might not be…

(Dr. Gordon opens his Italian hero and pulls out a tape recorder)

Dr. Gordon: I'm leaving.

Jigsaw: Oh come on, humor me. At least see what it says. It could be good news.

Dr. Gordon: When is ANYTHING on your tapes 'good news'?

(Jigsaw shrugs)

(Dr. Gordon sighs and presses the PLAY button)

Tape Recorder: Hello Amanda, you don't know me but, I know you. I want to play a game-

Jigsaw: Oh crap, wrong tape. Here give me that for a second.

(Jigsaw takes the tape recorder and removes the tape. He fishes through his pocket and pulls out a tape marked Dr. Gordon, and puts in it the tape recorder)

Jigsaw: Okay try it again.

(Dr. Gordon presses the PLAY button)

Tape Recorder: Dr. Gordon, this is your wake up call. Ever since I trapped you in that room you've spent an increasing amount if time with your family and spent less time at work. You obviously don't appreciate your career, and so what I've gone and done is captured your family again. There are ways to win this, hidden all around you. You must kill Adam by 6 on the clock, or Allison and Diana will die, Dr. Gordon. The rules are simple: You must play the game. Let the game begin…..(in really low voice) follow your heart.

Dr. Gordon: You're kidding right? Did you actually kidnap my family again? And why "follow your heart" again?

Jigsaw: (shrugs) I really liked how it turned out the first time.

Dr. Gordon: I'm not playing.

Jigsaw: Don't forget the rules!


(Dr. Gordon leaps across the table at Jigsaw, who jumps from his chair and dances around on his tippy-toes chanting "do do do, do do do do do")

Jigsaw: Better hurry up, Dr. Gordon.

Adam: Lawrence! Don't do it!

Dr. Gordon: I'm not going to kill you Adam, I'm gonna tear this psycho's head off!

(Dr. Gordon hobbles after Jigsaw as best he can with his prosthetic foot)

Jigsaw: Do do do, do do do do do! You can't win like this, Dr Gordon!

(Jigsaw does several laps around the table with Dr. Gordon right behind him. The others just watch this weird rendition of duck, duck, goose. Suddenly Zep sticks out his foot and trips Dr. Gordon to the floor)

(Dr. Gordon just looks up at Zep)

Dr. Gordon: …Why?

Zep: It's the rules…

(Dr. Gordon passes out, and Jigsaw returns to his seat)

Jigsaw: Now then, on with the meal.

(Suddenly from the back room, Detective Tapp and Detective Sing come out with their weapons drawn. Half of Detective Sing's face is gone)

Detective Tapp: Freeze asshole!

Detective Sing: Put your fucking hands where we can see them!

(Jigsaw looks around for an escape, and steps on the red button next to Unimportant Jeff's chair. The power drills start up and begin moving towards Unimportant Jeff's head)

Unimportant Jeff: MMMM!!! MMHMHMHMHMM!!!!! (muffled shrieks)

Jigsaw: Now you'll have to make a choice, officers! In… an undetermined amount of time, the life of this man will be taken!

Amanda: Wait, wait. This doesn't have to happen. Officers, everyone here has forgiven John for what he's done. We're cool now. This dinner is to say he's sorry.

(The detectives look at each other and slowly lower their weapons)

Detective Tapp: I guess it WAS a while ago. We can move on I guess; real men don't hold grudges.

Detective Sing: Yeah, as long as we get to eat also.

Jigsaw: Of course, make yourself at home. Mi abandoned mannequin factory hideout, es su abandoned mannequin factory hideout.

(The detectives take a seat at the table and grab some food)

Detective Tapp: So, Jigsaw-

Zep: His name is John. He's a very interesting person.

(Detectives just look at Zep)

Paul: He does that a lot, get used to it.

Detective Tapp: So, JOHN. As good as this food is, it doesn't come close to justifying what you've done to these people. This guy's on fire for God's sake.

(Mark blinks at being mentioned and looks at Detective Tapp)

Mark: Kill… me…

Jigsaw: You see how grateful to be alive they are? I've changed them for the better.

Mark: Seriously… end my life… please…

Detective Sing: What about that chick? She looks almost as uncomfortable as that guy with the venus fly trap mask around his neck.

Michael: TAKE IT OFF ME! The ticking is driving me crazy!!!

(Jigsaw ignores Michael and looks at Lynn, who's been sitting quietly in her chair the entire dinner)

Jigsaw: Lynn, don't worry. As long as I'm alive, you're fine. I'm sure Jeff will forgive me when he gets through the traps. He has been in there an awfully long time though…

Lynn: I'm so dead. We're all dead.

(Jigsaw chuckles)

Jigsaw: You're only as dead as you think you are.

Lynn: Like I said: We're-all-dead.

(Jigsaw waves away Lynn and picks up a new piece of turkey)

Detective Sing: You know Jig… (looks at Zep, who's ears perk up) …John. I didn't think I'd ever forgive you for blowing half my face off with that shotgun.

Jigsaw: It's only a flesh wound; you're stronger because of it.

Detective Sing: Actually no I'm really not. In fact it hurts to chew. My cabinets at home are lined with soups and other such non-crunchy foods.

Jigsaw: Posh, that's merely a side effect of being grateful. You drink soup.

Detective Sing: But… no one here has soup.

Jigsaw: They all lost their games; they're not grateful.

Paul: I… I want soup.

Jigsaw: No soup for you! Game-

(The ticking from Michael's mask stops for a second and everyone looks at it)

Michael: … What the hell…? Why's it so quiet!? WHY ISN'T IT TICKING ANYMORE!? WHY-

(The mask resumes its ticking and Michael lets out a sigh of relief)

(Jigsaw shakes himself and continues eating)

Mark: You know… I guess I am hungry.

(Mark grabs some turkey and rice)

Mark: There's not gonna be a uh, a tape recorder or anything in my food, right John?

Jigsaw: No, no, of course not.

Mark: Oh thank god, I can't deal with another game, and I'm really, really hungry.

(Mark picks up his plate to place the food onto)

Jigsaw: On the other hand…

Mark: Oh god, there's not one under my plate is it!?

(Mark lifts his plate and looks around frantically. He's still on fire by the way)

Jigsaw: No, I wouldn't put it there.

Mark: Ok good, you scared me.

(Mark puts down his plate and picks up his napkin. A tape recorder falls out)

Jigsaw: A napkin, however, now that's just genius.

Adam: You put my tape recorder in my napkin; you're not really very original at all are you?

Amanda: He wants us to survive this!

(Adam just ignores Amanda and goes back to his food)

Jigsaw: Well, Mark?

(Mark sighs and hits the play button)

Tape Recorder: Hello Mark, if you're so sick then why do I have so many photos of you up and about… and on fire? Let's put your so called illness to the test… You know what? Let's just save ourselves some time and agree that you'll fail whatever I ask you to do. You've already proved your inability to adapt to harsh "game environments", so you lose. I call you unworthy of the turkey that you possess; of the rice that you've been given.

(Jigsaw reaches across the table and takes Mark's plate)

Jigsaw: Do do do, do do do do do!

Mark: That's just stupid, AND cruel.

Jigsaw: You see; ungrateful. Don't even think 'turkey' when you're in my presence.

Mark: That's-

(Mark gets cut off as a scream is heard coming from the basement)

Jigsaw: Amanda, what is that? Tell me you didn't pick up another victim before you picked up all this food.

Amanda: No, I haven't had a victim since-

Eric Matthews: DANIEL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Jigsaw: He's still alive??? But you said 'the words'. That means he lost…

Amanda: Well he's still alive apparently. Want me to go finish him off?

Jigsaw: NO! I do not condone murder! Go find a way for him to kill himself or something.

Amanda: Or… you, Asian cop! You go silence him.

Detective Sing: You're asking me to go kill an innocent man that you failed to kill?

Amanda: I'll bring in some chop suey if you are successful.

Detective Sing: I'm on it!

(Detective Sing gets up and heads toward the basement door)


Amanda: And be quick about it; his screams are not part of the rules!

Adam: Since when do you follow the rules, Ms. "Suffocate Adam While He's Weak"?

Zep: Her name is Amanda. His name is John. My name is Zep!

(Zep points to each person in turn and claps delightedly)

(Jigsaw ignores Zep and turns to Amanda)

Jigsaw: What's he talking about? Did you try to kill Adam!?

Adam: Oh don't even pretend to defend me. Sick bastard…

Jigsaw: Yes I'm sick; sick from the disease-

(A loud bang is heard and everyone turns around toward the basement door. The remaining half of Detective Sing's face is gone, and his now headless corpse falls to the side in a motionless heap)

(Jigsaw looks from the trip wire to the shotgun hanging above the door and slams his fist into the table)

Jigsaw: I knew I forgot to take down something… But I still got it baby!

(Eric Matthews bursts from the basement flailing his arms around)

Eric Matthews: DANIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Jigsaw: Someone grab him! Don't let him get to the door!


(Amanda pulls out a gun and shoots Detective Matthews in the head. He drops dead instantly)

Jigsaw: Amanda what are you doing!? I do not condone murder!

(Suddenly Zeps watch beeps and everyone looks at him)

Zep: Dr. Gordon's time is up…

(Zep pulls out a pistol and loads a clip in it)

(Adam leaps from his chair and runs into the bathroom)

Amanda: Murder is ok if it's a last resort, Jiggy.

(Jigsaw's eyes go wide and his face turns red. The word "Jiggy" flashes across his mind several times)

Jigsaw: I'm sick of it all! GAME OVER!!!

(Upon saying "Game Over", Michael's mask stops ticking and slams closed; instantly killing him)

(A rusty blade protrudes from Jigsaw's sleeve and he spins around and slices Amanda's neck. Jigsaw looks at Detective Tapp, shrugs, and slices his neck also. Both Amanda and Detective Tapp fall backward bleeding from their necks)

(Dr. Gordon wakes up amidst the chaos and grabs a knife. He then starts screaming and cutting his real foot off)

(Moments later, Adam bursts from the bathroom screaming and wielding the toilet cover. He chases after Zep as they circle the table)

(Mark, who has been laughing at everyone since Detective Matthews got shot, suddenly glows brighter than the sun with fire and falls backward off his chair screaming)

(Paul leaps from his chair as fast as he can to escape the carnage. He runs into a room full of razor wire, trips into it, and starts thrashing around in it)

(Adam catches up with Zep and begins cracking Zep over the head with the toilet cover as Dr. Gordon finishes cutting his foot off)

(Jigsaw just looks around at everyone else while shouting)

Jigsaw: NO! It's all wrong! Not this way!

Unimportant Jeff: MMMM!!!! MMMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(The drills finally reach Unimportant Jeff and kill him)

Jigsaw: Oh yea… I shoulda really turned that off…

(Adam continues smashing Zep's face as Dr. Gordon crawls to Zep's pistol)

(The fire from Mark's body spreads to the wooden table and wine bottles explode, sending shards of glass into everyone)

(Dr. Gordon shrugs off the pain from the glass)

Dr. Gordon: I cut my foot off twice! Glass cannot defeat me!

(Dr. Gordon grabs Zep's pistol and Adam turns to him)

Dr. Gordon: You have to die…


(Dr. Gordon shoots Adam, then begins crying)


Jigsaw: It was a joke! All a cruel joke! I don't have your friggin family!

(Jeff from the 3rd movie walks through the front door at that exact moment with a saw in his hand)


Lynn: Don't you fool!


(Jeff leaps like Raiden from Mortal Kombat and slices Jigsaw's neck with the saw)

(Jigsaw falls down dead and Lynn's neck explodes)

Jeff: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! My efforts were all in vain! URGLE BLORG!

(Jeff notices the fire spreading and runs for the basement. He sets off the trip wire and another shotgun blows his face off. His momentum sends his corpse down the stairs into the basement where Obi is still burning in the oven)

(Dr. Gordon slowly tries to lift himself but can't)

Dr. Gordon: This FanFic sucked!!!

(Dr. Gordon bleeds to death)

(Fire consumes the whole factory)


(Kerry and another cop hit STOP on the VCR and just stare at the screen)

Cop: Well? You're the Jigsaw expert. What do you make of it?

Kerry: …this may take some time.