Title: Funnies
Pairing: Sam/Dean Sam/Dean/Other
Rating: R
Word Count: 5,740
Warning: My particular brand of humor. Mentions of: incest, slash, threesomes, bestiality.
Disclaimer:Guess who doesn't own this? That's right, me, but I am working on kidnapping myself a pair of Winchesters. Don't worry, boys, it won't hurt. Well, not in a bad way.
S
ummary: There's what Kripke wrote, there's what the boys say, then there's what I hear.
Author's Note: Seriously, people, this is what happens when you raise your child on MST3K. Although, in they're defense, they could never have guessed I would have been a slash fan. Email me for links.


Season One

Episode 1: Pilot
Dean: So, this is where she drowned her kids.
Sam: That's why she could never go home, she was too scared to face them.
Dean: You found her weak spot. Nice work, Sammy.
Sam: Yeah, wish I could say the same for you. What were you thinking shooting Casper in the face, you freak?
Dean: Hey, saved your ass. I'll tell you another thing, you screwed up my car... I'll kill you.
Sam: laugh
Dean: Oh, by the way, kept the handcuffs. You up for a little post-Hunt celebration, Winchester style?
Sam: Dean, no, come on, I've got a girlfriend now. Put those away.
Dean: eyebrow waggle
Sam: Oh, what the hell, Casper did say I'd be unfaithful. Think the bed's still up there?
Dean: Sex in a dead woman's bed? Why, Sam, you kinky little bitch.
Sam: Race ya.

Episode 2: Wendigo
Dean: You okay?
Sam: Yeah, I'm fine.
Dean: Another nightmare?
Sam: clear throat
Dean: Want to drive for a while?
Sam: Dean, your whole life you've never once asked me that.
Dean: Just thought you might want to. Never mind.
Sam: Look man, you're worried about me, I get it and thank you, but I'm perfectly okay.
Dean: ...post-nightmare blow job, then?
Sam: I'm surprised you haven't already pulled over.
Dean: Thought so.

Episode 3: Dead in the Water
Sam: How are you holding up?
Andrea: It's just gonna take a long time to sort through everything, you know.
Sam: Andrea, I'm sorry...
Andrea: You saved my son, I can't ask for more than that. Dad loved me, he loved Lucas and no matter what he did, I just have to... hold onto that.
Sam: No! No, not that. I meant last night, when... look, Dean can get a little freaky and put a beer or two in me and... well, you know."
Andrea: Oh, right...
Sam: ...yeah.
Andrea: Don't worry about it, it's... fine. I put bananas in the lunch.
Sam: ...thanks. This is awkward.
Andrea: Yup.

Episode 4: Phantom Traveler
Dean: Well, I kinda have this problem with, uh...
Sam: Flying?
Dean: It's not really been an issue until now.
Sam: You're joking right?
Dean: Do I look like I'm joking? Why do you think I drive everywhere, Sam?
Sam: Alright, uh, I'll go.
Dean: What?!
Sam: I'll do this one on my own.
Dean: What are you, nuts? You said it yourself, the plane's gonna crash.
Sam: Look, Dean, we can do it together, I can do this one by myself, I'm not seeing a third option here.
Dean: Come on! Really? Man.
Sam: Dean?
Dean: Okay, fine, but after this I, uh... I get to do that thing you haven't let me do yet.
Sam: What?
Dean: You know...
Sam: Oh, come on, Dean!
Dean: Fair's fair. I face my fear, you face yours.
Sam: Damnit!
Dean: Come on, Sam, it's not so bad. I look cute in a rubber nose.
Sam: I hate you sometimes.
Dean: Go get the tickets.

Episode 5: Bloody Mary
Police: Hold it!
Dean: Wow, wow, wow, guys. It's a false alarm. I tripped the system.
Police: Who are you
Dean: I'm the boss's kid.
Police: You're Mr. Yamashiro's kid?
Dean: ...if by 'kid' you mean rent-boy.
Police: exchanging looks
Dean: What?! You see these lips, they were made for sucking cock.

Episode 6: Skin
Rebecca: So, this is what you do? You and your brother, you hunt down these kinds of things?
Sam: Yeah, pretty much. Well, that and have sex together, but... you walked in on that last night, so...
Rebecca: I can't believe it. I mean, I saw it with my own eyes and... I mean, does everybody at school...? Nobody knows that you do this?
Sam: No
Rebecca: Did Jessica know?
Sam: No, she didn't.
Rebecca: Must be lonely.
Sam: ...? Oh! You were talking about the Hunting!
Rebecca: Yeah, I'm pretty much repressing the other. Although, I never realized the human body could bend that way.
Sam: We can go back to talking about Hunting.
Rebecca: Thanks.

Episode 7: Hook Man
Dean: But I burned those bones, I buried them in salt. Why didn't that stop him?
Sam: You must have missed something.
Dean: No, I burned everything in that coffin.
Sam: Did you get the hook?
Dean: The hook?
Sam: Well, it was the murder weapon, and in a way it was part of him.
Dean: So, like the bones, the hook is the source of the power.
Sam: So, if we find the hook
Both: We stop the hookman.
Dean: Man, I'm feeling so good about this, I'd almost consider letting you top.
Sam: Really?
Dean: No. Come on, we've got to find that hook.
Sam: Fucking cock tease.

Episode 8: Bugs
Mother: Oh, god, what's that?
Dean: Something's eating through the wood.
Sam: Like I was eating your wood last night?
Dean: Dude, not now.
Sam: Right, sorry.
Matthew: Uh... guys, it's termites. Aren't you two brothers?

Episode 9: Home
Missouri: hits Dean upside the head
Dean: What?!
Missouri: That's for what you did in that little girl's bedroom.
Dean: Sam did it too! How come you're not hitting him?
Missouri: Boy, don't talk back to me! Now get busy cleaning up this mess while I go wash the sheets.

Episode 10: Asylum
Sam: Dean, step back from the door.
Dean: Sam, put the gun down.
Sam: Is that an order?
Dean: No, it's more of a friendly request.
Sam: 'Cause I'm gettin' pretty tired of takin' your orders. And for that matter, why can't I ever top, huh?
Dean: I knew it, Ellicott did something to you. You love being my bitch.
Sam: For once in your life, just shut your mouth.
Dean: What are you gonna do, Sam? Gun's filled with rock salt. It's not gonna kill me.
Sam: No, but it'll hurt like hell and it'll put you flat on your back. Let's see who the bitch is now.
Five Minutes Later
Dean: You're not gonna try and kill me, are you?
Sam: No.
Dean: Good, 'cause that would be awkward. ...you're not gonna try and top me, either, right?
Sam: No, Dean, now can we stop bringing up embarrassing moments of the last half hour and get the hell out of here.

Episode 11: Scarecrow
Dean: So, can I drop you off somewhere?
Sam: No, I think you're stuck with me.
Dean: What made you change your mind?
Sam: I didn't. I still want to find Dad, and you're still a pain in the ass. But Jess and mom, they're both gone. Dad is god knows where. You and me, we're all that's left. So, uh, if we're gonna see this through, we're gonna do it together.
Dean: Hold me, Sam, that was beautiful.
Sam: You should be kissing me ass. You were dead meat, dude.
Dean: Yeah right, I had a plan, I'd have gotten out.
Sam: Right. Hey, and I meant that about kissing my ass. It's been weeks since I had a good rimming.
Dean: Dream on, little brother.

Episode 12: Faith
Sam: I got it. Hey Layla, come on in.
Layla: Hey.
Dean: Hey. How did you know we were here?
Layla: Um, Sam called, he said you wanted to say goodbye.
Sam: I'm gonna grab a soda.
Dean: Give me one second, Layla, I'll be right back. outside the room Dude, what the hell?!
Sam: Think of it as a freebee, man, I won't even hold it against you. Just figured you could use some tail, is all. You went what, nearly a week without any?
Dean: Yeah and I'm still sore from last night, Mr. Third-Time's-the-Freakin'-Charm.
Sam: Oh, I'm sure you'll manage somehow. And maybe next time, you won't go trying to die on me.
Dean: I hate you.
Sam: Go get her tiger.

Episode 13: Route 666
Sam: I like her.
Dean: Yeah.
Sam: You meet someone like her, ever make you wonder if it's worth it, putting everything else on hold. Doing what we do?
Dean: Are you crazy or just jealous?
Sam: Right. You planning on staying faithful?
Dean: Sure, until the next motel.
Sam: More like the next pit stop.
Dean: Pull over now.

Episode 14: Nightmare
Sam: So you weren't gonna launch a knife at your step mom, right here? Is it that hard to believe, Max? Look what you can do. Max, I was drawn here, alright. I think I'm here to help you.
Max: No one can help me.
Sam: Let me try. We'll just talk, me and you... and maybe a little makeup remover.
Max: What?
Sam: It's the lipstick, kid, it's kind of creepy.
Max: ...I'm not wearing lipstick.
Dean: Oh, way to go, genius.

Episode 15: Benders
Hey Jensen,
Dude, I love your fans.
Hillbilly Lust (aff, author: Darkestangel)
-Jared
Hey Jared,
Love yours more, bottom boy.
Look What Love Has Done (livejournal, user: laminy)
-Jensen
Jensen,
Two can play that, pretty boy.
9 Months (sam/dean slash archive, author: sammyndeansgrl)
-Jared
Jared,
Oh, right, because you're Mr. Macho.
Power of the Pen... Er, Laptop (aff, author: slasherseries)
-Jensen
Jensen,
That was weak, dude. Did you even read it?
Bittersweet Reunion (aff, author: Darkestangel)
-Jared
Jared,
Of course I didn't read it. I haven't read any of them. Wait, are you saying you do?!
-Jensen
Jensen,
No, of course not. God, what do you take me for?
-Jared
Jared,
A slutty little perv that likes to read over-gratifying stories about himself having sex.
-Jensen
Jensen,
Touche. My place or yours?
-Jared
Jared,
Mine and it's your turn to bring the lube.
-Jensen

Episode 16: Shadow
Dean: You trapped us, good for you, it's Miller time, but why don't you just kill us already.
Meg: Not very quick on the uptake are we? This trap isn't for you.
Sam: Dad. It's a trap for Dad.
Dean: Aw, sweatheart, you're dumber'n you look, 'cause even if Dad was in town, which he is not, he wouldn't walk into somethin' like this. He's too good.
Meg: He is pretty good, I'll give you that. But you see, he has one weakness.
Dean: Transvestite hookers?
Meg: ...
Dean: 'Cause, I'll give you props for figuring that out, but honestly, I don't see how it's going to help you much. Unless... Sam, you dog. You take more after the old man than I give you credit for.
Sam: Shut up, retard, she means us. We are Dad's weakness.
Dean: Oh.

Episode 17: Hell House
Sam: Look, it is a pretty big deal, alright, and it wasn't easy to dig up, so only if we have your word that you'll shut everything down.
Ed: Totally.
Sam: Alright. It's a death certificate, from the thirties. We got it at the library. Now, according to the coroner, the actual cause of death was a self inflicted gun shot wound.
Dean: That's right, he didn't hang or cut himself.
Harry: He shot himself?
Sam: Yup, with a .45 pistol. To this day, they say he's terrified of 'em.
Dean: As a matter of fact, they say that if you shoot him with a .45 loaded with these special wrought-iron rounds, you can kill the son of a bitch.
Sam: Oh, and another thing. Apparently, it's not girls Murdock's got a thing for, it's young men. Short brown hair, green eyes, round about six feet tall, full lips. You know, pretty boys.
Harry: runs
Ed: Harry, slow down, they're gonna know we're excited.
Dean: Sam, what the hell?!
Sam: Payback's a bitch.

Episode 18: Something Wicked
Michael: If you kill it, will Asher get better?
Dean: Honestly? We don't know.
Michael: You said you're a big brother?
Dean: Yeah.
Michael: You take care of your little brother? You'd do anything for him?
Dean: Except bottom.
Michael: What?
Dean: Nothing. Yeah, yeah I would.
Sam: mumbling Jackass.

Episode 19: Provenance
Sam: Sarah, think about it. Evelyn, the Taleska's, they both had the painting and there have been others before that. Wherever this thing goes, people die and we're just trying to stop it. And that's the truth.
Sarah: Well, then, I guess you'd better show me. I'm coming with you.
Sam: What? No. Sarah, no, you should just go home. This stuff can get dangerous and... and I'm sleeping with my brother.
Sarah: What?!
Sam: Yeah, so, uh, it's just better for everyone if you just leave and...
Sarah: Wait, wait, wait, that brother?
Sam: Yeah.
Sarah: You sleep with him. As in... sleep with him?
Sam: ...yeah.
Sarah: That I gotta see, but after we kill this thing. So, are we going or what?
Dean: Sam, marry that girl.

Episode 20: Dead Man's Blood
Sam: We don't even know what these things are, yet.
John: They were what Daniel Elkins killed best. Vampires.
Dean: Vampires? I thought there was no such thing.
Sam: You never even mentioned them, Dad.
John: I thought they were extinct. Besides, you boys had some pretty weird kinks. For all I knew, you'd try to hunt one down just to jump on the necrophilia train.
Sam: What?! That's not fair. Dean, maybe, but me...
Dean: Hey! I do not have sex with dead chicks.
Sam: Except that one time?
Dean: That was different.
Sam: How?
Dean: I didn't know she was dead.
Sam: Dude, you have some serious issues.
Dean: Aw, give us a kiss.
Sam: Oh, gross, Dean, come on, not in front of Dad.
John: See, that's what I'm talking about.
Dean: Like you're one to talk, Mr. Transvestite Hookers, and what about that goat out at Pastor Jim's. What'd it ever do to you?

Episode 21: Salvation
John: Son of a bitch.
Dean: What is it?
John: I just got a call from Caleb.
Dean: Is he okay?
John: He's fine. Jim Murphy's dead.
Sam: Pastor Jim? How?
John: Throat was slashed. He bled out.
Dean: What about the goat?
Sam: Oh, bad taste, Dean.
Dean: What? Dad's the only one that can get friendly with Frank?
Sam: Oh, man, you too? See, this is why I left. I hate you guys. gets in the car

Episode 22: Devil's Trap
Sam: Dean, what the hell is going on?
Demon: Your brother's lost his mind.
Dean: He's not Dad.
Sam: What?
Dean: I think he's possessed. I think he's been possessed since we rescued him.
Demon: Don't listen to him, Sammy.
Sam: Dean, how do you know?
Dean: He's different. He hasn't made one joke about being found tied to that bed, or beastiality, and he hasn't once tried to stick his hand down my pants.
Sam: Not once?
Dean: Nope. And now that I think about it, he hasn't said anything our sex-capades, either and I know Dad better than anyone, he would be itching to rip into us about what we could have been up to while he was missing.
Sam: stands with Dean
Demon: ...what the fuck is wrong with you Winchesters?! First you accuse my daughter of being a Transvestite, you shoot me son and make cracks about him topping Sam, then you accuse me of not being your father because I haven't stuck my hand down your pants? I thought that was just one of his sick fantasies or something. You know what, never mind, you win. I was going to corrupt Sammy, but looks like you guys have got that well and truly covered. I'll just show myself out then. You boys can pick up your old man by his truck in about five minutes. God, and I thought my family was fucked up. walks out
Dean: Okay. So, um...
Sam: Yeah.
Dean: Awkward.
Sam: Oh, yeah.
Dean: ...hey, we've got five minutes to kill. Want to have sex?
Sam: Only if we can do it in Dad's bed.

-tbc-