Episode 1: Exile on Main St.
Dean: A Year?
Sam: I know, but...
Dean: Oh, no you don't know. Because you, mister? You just cock blocked yourself for all eternity.
Sam: Dean, be reasonable.
Dean: Reasonable would have been calling me. Reasonable would have been passing the message along. Reasonable would have been some kind of warning before you show up like the damn cavalry when you were supposed. to be. dead.
Sam: Come on, there's no way you'll last eternity without ass, Dean.
Dean: She a yoga instructor, Sammy, and she does anal.
Sam: ...I have got some serious groveling to do, don't I?
Dean: You think?
Dean (about Samuel) Please, tell me you didn't go there.
Sam: No. By the way, he told me your dirty little secret.
Dean: What secret?
Sam: You're the girl.
Dean: You really don't want to get laid, like, ever, do you?
Episode 2: Two and a Half Men
Dean: *puts baby down* ah.
Sam: You... You're just... uh... actually, not awful at that.
Dean: Dude, I'm barely keepin' that thing alive.
Sam: No! No, no, no, seriously you got a whole Dr. Huxtable vibe comin' off you. I get it now.
Dean: Get what?
Sam: The mpreg fics. You look really cute with a baby.
Dean: You've been reading the fanfic?
Sam: ...maybe. No, come on, don't look at me like that.
Dean: You promised you weren't going to read any more of that shit. You swore to me!
Sam: I'm sorry, okay, just... it was a whole year. And now you're all mad at me and you won't.
Dean: So, this is my fault? You delving into the sordid world of Wee-cest is my fault?
Sam: Hey, I never look at Wee-cest.
Dean: Well, thank God for small favors.
Sam: Now Bottom!Dean on the other hand...
Dean: Never, Sammy. Never. Getting. Laid.
Episode 3: The Third Man
Dean: Man, I'm just trying to figure this out, cause something's different with you. You know that.
Sam: Yeah. Yeah, I know.
Sam: Yeah. I mean, I've been... hunting nonstop for the past year. Kind of… kinda on the wild. So I suppose, yeah, I'm a little rough around the edges.
Dean: Yeah, I get that. I just don't think I'm getting the whole scoop. Like, when I used to hold out, you couldn't last a day without pouting and whining. Now it's been a whole month and, nothing?
Sam: Oh, no. Don't let that bother you. I've been sleeping with prostitutes to keep myself occupied. You know, until you're ready.
Sam: That's not any better, is it?
Dean: Get in the car.
Sam: Right. What if I said it was only the really pricey ones? More like escorts than hookers.
Dean: Get. In. The car.
Episode 4: Weekend at Bobby's
Bobby: Tell me the ring is still in your stomach.
Rufus: *pulls out ring*
Bobby: I'll go boil some water.
Rufus: What? You've put your entire fist up there on a dare, but you can't touch a damn ring? Prude.
Bobby: I heard that!
Episode 5: Live Free or Twi-hard
Dean: That's not the worst part.
Sam: Then what is?
Dean: You got no idea. He... I had to put on a dress and let that skuzzy blood sucker call me Bella. I had to call him Edward, and he wore glitter. I feel frickin' dirty. I have craft Herpes.
Sam: Really? Would it help if...
Dean: So help me, if you offer to fuck me to make me feel better, I will cut your dick off while you sleep.
Sam: Nothing, nothing. I'll just... back off then.
Episode 6: You Can't Handle the Truth
Veritas: How do you really feel about your brother?
Dean: ...I want his ass. I want it so bad, especially since I stopped talking to Lisa. I had this dream the other day where I laid him open with my tongue and he was begging so pretty and I...
Veritas: No, not that. As a hunter, what do you feel about him?
Episode 7: Family Matters
Sam: What are you gonna do, keep me locked up in here forever?
Dean: You say that like it's a bad thing.
Sam: Okay fine, look, I get it, Dean, I was wrong, but I'm telling you I… I'm trying to get right. It's still me.
Dean: Is it?
Sam: Yes. So, just let me go.
Dean: No way in hell
Sam: I didn't want it to come to this. *slips hands out of rope* You're not gonna to hold me Dean, not here, not in a panic room, not anywhere. You can not keep me here or there, you cannot keep me anywhere. You cannot keep me, Dean, you see, you cannot keep me in a tree. You cannot...
Sam: Oh. Right, sorry, I thought we were getting past the awkwardness and moving into filing it away with humorous quips so that we can drag it up later in a chick flick moment. My bad.
Episode 8: All Dogs go to Heaven
Crowley: Like that makes a difference to you. You'd sell your brother for a dollar right now if you really needed a soda.
Sam: No, I wouldn't.
Sam: He's worth more than that. I know exactly how good he is at giving head. With those lips, I could start the bidding at $500 and clean house for over a $1000. That's way more than one soda.
Episode 9: Clap Your Hands if You Believe
Dean: I had a close encounter, Sam, and I won.
Sam: You should take a shower.
Dean: I should take a shower. I'm gon... I'm gonna take a shower.
Sam: You should let me join you.
Dean: *sigh* Why the hell not? Yeah, okay, you should join me.
Dean: Come on, soulless wonder, before I change my mind. And bring the lube!
Episode 10: Caged Heat
Sam: *holds out knife to Meg* You can see them. Take this, hold them off. It's our best shot.
Meg: At Crowly. Take it and go. You kill the smarmy dick, I'll hold off the dogs.
Dean: How are you gonna do that a...
Meg: *kisses Castiel*
Castiel: *ravishes Meg*
Meg: What was that?
Castiel: I learned that from the pizza man.
Dean: *to Sam* Dude, we get out of this alive and we have got to show him Cock Hungry Pool Man.
Sam: No, Caged Heat. There are handcuffs.
Dean: I prefer rope. How about I meet you in the middle and we go with Dungeon Master?
Episode 11: Appointment in Samarra
Sam: So is this the part where you pull a gun on me and lock me in the panic room?
Bobby: Do I have to?
Sam: Only if you're feeling kinky.
Bobby: Smart ass.
Sam: I wasn't joking.
Episode 12: Like a Virgin
Sam: I am so, so sorry. I can't even begin to say.
Dean: For what?
Sam: You know what.
Dean: Did Bobby?
Dean: Cass. Freakin' child. Look, Sam, I don't want you to beat yourself up over this, okay? Sometimes, no doesn't mean no, especially between us.
Dean: And sometimes I do like the handcuffs, okay? I just say I don't, because then you'd hold it over me like I'm some S&M queen, which I'm not.
Sam: I was talking about letting you get turned into a vampire.
Sam: And trying to kill Bobby.
Dean: Got it.
Sam: And conspiring with Cass to double team you in the threesome.
Dean: That was out of line.
Sam: He said you enjoyed it.
Dean: Still out of line.
Sam: Uh hu. So, you do like the handcuffs?
Dean: Shut up.
Episode 13: Unforgiven
Dean: You got mysterious coordinates, from a mysterious Mr. X, leading to a mysterious town. That doesn't throw up red flags to you?
Sam: I don't know, maybe, but that doesn't mean we can just ignore a bunch of missing girls. Right?
Dean: Fine. We'll hit the road in twenty.
Dean: Yeah, I got something you need to take care of first. *undoes jeans*
Sam: Dude, worst pick up line ever.
Dean: Is it gonna work?
Sam: What's happening here right now, it's because I messed up. Somehow, in some big way. So every person who gets taken, every person who dies – that's on me. I have to stop it, and you'd do the same thing.
Dean: *throws Sam on bed*
Dean: You okay?
Sam: You were right. I shouldn't have come back here.
Dean: Well, you did kill spiderman.
Sam: So you're suggesting what I did back there was a good thing?
Dean: I'm just saying...
Dean: Sammy, you gotta understand...
Sam: Wait. Dean, are you hard?
Dean: No! Well, yeah, but...
Sam: Oh my god, you've been jumping me every time I get emotional!
Dean: Hey, not every time.
Sam: You dragged me into the bathroom of the diner when I got annoyed they put mustard on my sandwich.
Dean: Right. I'll just... go take a cold shower, then.
Episode 14: Mannequin 3 - The Reckoning
Dean: So, uh, what did you find out from the mop jockey's girlfriend?
Sam: Nothing, just how great he was. Went to church, donated to charity, rubbed her feet during Glee.
Dean: I just threw up in my mouth.
Sam: Right, because you don't love it when I rubbed your feet.
Dean: I don't watch Glee.
Sam: But crying over Oprah is so masculine.
Episode 15: The French Mistake
Sam: All right, here goes. It says you're from Texas.
Sam: Yeah. And uh... oo.
Sam: Huh? Oh, um, nothing.
Dean: Didn't sound like nothing.
Sam: Well, it's just... apparently there's something called RPS.
Sam: Yeah, Real Person Story. You know, like the fanfic we ran into before, only with real people.
Dean: ...Are you telling me that even in this universe, people think we're fucking?
Sam: Be fair, Dean, we are fucking.
Dean: No, you know what? It's the principle of the thing. Who I fuck is my business.
Sam: And apparently the business of thousand of horny young girls and boys who seem to think you do a lot bottoming. Oh, and you were on a soap opera.
Dean: I hate this universe.
Genevieve: You have been Sam Winchester way too long. *takes Sam's hand to lead him upstairs*
Sam: Oh, wait, hold on. I wanna get De..., um, Jensen. There's this thing I read. I wanna try it.
Genevieve: Read where?
Sam: Fanfic. There's this one where we all have a threesome and he'd never go for that before because you're all evil and, well, dead now, but you're not, because you Gen.
Genevieve: How much did you drink?
Sam: A lot.
Genevieve. ...Fine, go get him. Wouldn't be the first time.
Episode 16: And Then There Were None
(Rufus getting out car)
Rufus: I don't even know why you have a driver's license.
Bobby: Yeah? Well, maybe next time I'll give you road head and we'll see how you drive.
Rufus: It's courtesy, Bobby. A man had his mouth around your dick, you try not to jam his head into the steering wheel every time you hang a left.
Bobby: I didn't ask you to give me head!
Dean: *to Sam* Dude, it's like looking at ourselves in thirty years.
Bobby: I heard that!
Episode 17: My Heart Will Go On
Balthazar: Yes, unfortunately, there is still an Ashton Kutcher and you still averted the apocalypse, and there are still Arc Angels. It's just the small details that are different – like, you don't drive an Impala
*Sam and Dean exchange glance*
Balthazar: Yes, yes, what's an Impala, trust me, it's not important. And... and, of course, you and Sam are no longer in a sordid incestuous relationship and Ellen and Jo are alive.
Dean: Ellen and Jo, what?
Sam: Incestuous relationship?
Dean: Sam, prior... wait, incestuous relationship?
Balthazar: Yes, they're supposed to be dead and the two of you are supposed to be humping like rabbits every other hour or something ridiculous like that. You see, I save a boat, one thing leads to another, which leads to another thousand things and yada yada yada, to cut a long story short they don't die in a massive explosion.
Sam: That doesn't explain the incest.
Balthazar: Yes, well, that's a bit more complicated, but let's just agree, I did a good thing.
Dean: We are not sinking the boat, Bobby, okay? Don't even think about it.
Bobby: Well, okay, what's got your panties in a clench?
Bobby: Try that again?
Dean: It... look, it... it doesn't even really matter, but...
Sam: Dean and I are having sex.
Dean: No! No, Bobby, we're not having sex.
Sam: No, not now, but if the boat sinks. If the boat sink something happens, dominos get knocked over and somehow I end up pile driving my brother.
Dean: Hey, who says you're on top.
Sam: My two inches and your girly lips?
Dean: If you were gay, you'd have pink toenails to match your favorite shirt.
Sam: Oh, yeah, well if you were gay, you'd...
Bobby: Boys! I get it, just don't let that boat sink. I'm already wading ass deep in your personal shit without adding incest to it. *hangs up*
Dean: Dude, what the hell?
Sam: I don't know! It seemed like a better idea than telling him Ellen and Jo would die.
Dean: You're probably right. He's bad enough with her, imagine if she wasn't there.
Episode 18: Frontier Land
Sam: Just because you're obsessed with all that wild west stuff…
Dean: No, I'm not.
Sam: You have a fetish, Dean!
Dean: Shut up, I like old movies.
Sam: Your birthday sex includes me wearing a saddle while you strut around in spurs and chaps and I try to pretend you aren't talking to me like I'm horse because bestiality is an entire other level of wrong I don't even want to get into. I am not putting on leather riders; I am not wearing skin tight jeans that ride up my ass; and if there is a cowhide jacket in there with fringe, you can forget that too. It isn't your birthday. I'm not putting it on.
Dean: ...At least wear the damn shirt.
Episode 19: Mommy Dearest
Dean: Why. What does she want with a... what do you call these?
Bobby: Well, congrats, you discovered it, you get to name it.
Dean: Sammy's G-spot.
Dean: Fine! Jefferson Starships.
Episode 20: The Man Who Would Be King
Crowley: Ah yes, but is that all you're holding? See, the stench of the Impala is all over your overcoat, Angel.
Castiel: That's not the Impala, it's Dean's semen and I'm not sure I understand what you're implying.
Crowley: ...subtlety is lost on you.
Episode 21: Let It Bleed
Sam: Wh… HP Lovecraft? Let me see that.
Dean: Am I supposed to know who that is?
Bobby: Horror writer? At the Mountains of Madness? The Call of Cthulhu?
Dean: Yeah. S... I'm... No, I was too busy having sex with women.
Bobby: Well, we all know that ain't true.
Sam: Yeah, you spent half the damn time in my pants,
Dean: Right, so, women.
Episode 22: The Man Who Knew Too Much
Sam: I'll be fine.
Robin: Says the headcase that just slumped over a minute ago. Look, is there anyway I can convince you to go to the hospital?
Sam: No, apparently I'm stubborn.
Robin: What if I showed you my boobs?
Sam: ...and gay.
Dean: So, when you said "bow down and profess your love" are you talking blow jobs?
Castiel: No. Do you have any 8's?
Dean: Nope, go fish. So, what then?
Castiel: Well, it depends. From Bobby, I'll accept fealty and maybe have him kiss my ring.
Bobby: Appreciate that.
Castiel: From you and Sam I was hoping for more of an apology. And a repeat of the threesome.
Sam: Can't blame him. That was a good threesome.
Dean: Hey, I thought you didn't remember anything.
Sam: Oh, right, no, I remember everything now. Cas, you got any 4's?
Castiel: *passes a card*
Sam: And nothing, it's summer break, I don't have to deal with that shit till fall it's gonna stay that way. I am not spending the next three months reliving how many ways Lucifer and Michael made me their bitch.
Bobby: Is this what it's always like being in the cliff hanger after a Season Finale?
Dean: Pretty much.
Sam: Yeah, what's it like for you?
Bobby: I kick back, drink beer and watch reruns of True Blood.
Castiel: Bobby is wise. Your new god decrees that next year, we will end the season somewhere with a television and a couch.
Bobby: And beer.
Castiel: Yes, and beer.
Dean: I will bow down to that. Bobby, you got a 7?
Bobby: Go fish.