I do not own Grim Fandango and am not making any money off of this.

Deserving

There's so much she didn't know.

And even more she wishes she hadn't done.

Salvador Limones, her leader, her lover, had thought she had found out the information on Hector LeMans through the computer. He thought she had used the mold of Manny's teeth to gain access. And what was she going to tell him?

"Sorry honey, that mold didn't work so I slept with Domino to get information instead."

How could he ever forgive her for such a thing? How could she bring herself to tell him?

She couldn't. She was afraid to lose him after everything they had done together. She knew he never suspected anything had gone on between her and Domino, but when had he seen them together?

He was nowhere near the offices when it had started. He couldn't hear the conversations full of hidden meanings and insinuations. He didn't know that the extra hours she put into work weren't actually extra hours. And he definitely didn't know that it had happened on more than one occasion.

But Eva did. And over and over again she would try to tell herself that it was all for a good cause. That she had only used him to get information.

And a part of her believed it, but another part knew it wasn't just that. If it had only been just that she would have cut it off after the information had been gathered.

Yet she didn't stop, fooling herself into thinking that he might have new information they could use.

But he didn't. And a part of her still enjoyed it at the time, finding it exciting that she could reduce a man with so composure into incoherent whimpers.

Finding it exciting that she really was a good spy, and liar, because neither ever questioned her.

When Salvador would circle her waist from behind and tell her he loved her, she would place her hands over his and whisper that she loved him too.

It was always barely coherent and she wondered if he ever noticed that she used to be able to say those words with so much more emotion. Now, while she knew she still meant it, guilt would wash over her for having such a great man. A man with more than just ideals and a man who was only ever true to her.

Her thoughts tortured her. She hated that she had lowered herself to a whore to gain information. She hated that he had gotten her off. She hated that she was too cowardly to tell the man she loved. She most especially hated that when she drank too much wine her thoughts would once again sway in Domino's direction and she would wonder if she really should hate herself.

She would then berate herself for those thoughts and try to make them disappear.

But sometimes they didn't.

She loved Salvador and would probably never feel the way towards him for anyone else, but she also wished he spent more time thinking about her. And being with her.

In no way was what she had done his fault, but it was easier to say she had felt neglected than bored.

It was easier to notice that sometimes he spent so much time wrapped up in his revolution that he would forget about her.

It was also easier to notice how enthusiastic he became when he learned of the new information his secretary spy was bringing in. He would become a little more determined and praise her until the information became outdated.

Eva loved pleasing him. So when, years later, Olivia stepped into the picture, she did nothing to stop their affair knowing she deserved it.

She watched Olivia throw herself at Salvador upon meeting him. She watched his brief hesitance. She then watched them walk away together.

How could she object when she had done the same thing, with the same type of person?

And so she sat at their headquarters wondering if he would come back to her the way she did to him, wondering if he would tell her of his infidelity, or if he would even come back at all.

When she grew too weary of those thoughts and could not bear it any longer, she stared into nothing hoping to numb her mind.

And when it had finally started to work, she got news that he was sprouted and could not be saved. That he had died admirably for their cause and the corruption was finally put to an end.

And Eva thought she would die right then as well. She wondered what happened to his soul. She wondered if he knew of her treachery. She wondered if he had loved her in his remaining hours.

When it became known that it was Olivia's fault, Eva knew she couldn't ever forgive herself.

She could have saved him, but instead she felt like she deserved it. Felt that if he had slept with Olivia, it would somehow make it okay that she had slept with Domino. She could have put up a fight and make him see what kind of a person Olivia was. But of course, she didn't.

Maybe that was what he had wanted... to see if Eva would fight for him, but instead she let him go easily because she wanted not only to free herself but to make him happy in the process.

And now what? Their objective has been accomplished and their leader demolished.

She was truly a lost soul now.

And had no idea if she would ever recover.

A/N: Another idea that came from who knows where in my mind. I would love to hear thoughts- good or bad. Thanks for reading.