Twisted

We forgot to turn off the lights next door. Strange that I didn't notice that sooner. Dirty light falls through the door that's only slightly opened, just enough so I can see him, he who I despise ever since the day we met at university and I was humiliated like never before in my entire life. L, Ryuga, Ryuuzaki… whatever he calls himself, whatever his real name may be, I don't care. Right now, that isn't of importance anyway.

Sweaty, slick bodies, pressed against each other, moving in the same rhythm… it's strange to feel his hot, naked flesh against mine. And even stranger his voice, suddenly so deep and hoarse as he says my name: Raito… Raito…

You are so pathetic, L, to get carried away like this, to allow me to fuck you only to determine some more if I may be Kira. The only one who is even more pathetic is me. Because I fuck you just to prove myself that I am still alive. I don't understand myself anymore. But that doesn't matter now.

This is not even close to what Sayu reads about in those petty love novels or Misa keeps telling me about. This is not "making love"… it's just not like us. For us, sex is like a fight for life and death, dominance and submission, good and evil. If I had a heart that could still feel, I would hate you, Ryuuzaki. For turning my life upside down, for making me become what I am now. I never wanted to kill innocent people. And I never wanted to love you.

Do you even know what you did to me? I am justice. A god walking on earth. But gods don't feel, they don't love. What did you do to me? Why do I feel this way? Kira loathes you, wants to see you dead no matter what. And at the same time, Light Yagami loves you, dearly. How can I bear these contradicting feelings? I know you want to prove that I'm Kira. You want to see me get executed for what I did. How can I not hate you? No, gods don't hate either. I should just get rid of you like the obstacle you truly are.

Holding you in my arms while I thrust into you again and again, staring into your eyes while I claim your body and soul, it feels exquisite, unique, blissful. This feeling seeps through my body, enters my heart and destroys me from within. I should have done the eyes deal with Ryuk. With the shinigami's eyes I could have killed you anytime. Then I would have spared us both this bittersweet pain.

A kiss is sweet, Misa told me once. I keep wondering why she said that. A kiss isn't sweet, not even if you kiss a sugar-addict. It tastes weird, there just doesn't seem to be a word to describe the taste of foreign saliva. A kiss is just a kiss after all, it's nothing romantic or beautiful. Just like the kisses we share. Lips, pressed against each other, and tongues touching softly or wildly, playing, battling for dominance. I don't kiss you to prove my undying love for you. I do it to make you believe you mean something to me. No, to make you believe I were Kira, who tries to make you believe you were meaning something to him. Who am I truly fooling? You… or myself? I feel awful, disgusting, dirty. Why am I doing this? I should have killed you when I had the chance to. Instead, I am here now, having become one with you, kissing you in this dirty light in some hotel somewhere in this filthy city.

My fingers are twitching. I imagine them encircling your neck, strangling you until you become limp beneath me. It wouldn't be wise to kill you now, but it would take a huge burden off my shoulders. Why am I always thinking about you? What did you do to me?

This is not right. I never wanted to be this kind of person. I never wanted to live that way. What am I doing? Why? My thoughts have already drifted off when I bury myself deep in you for the last time and we both climax almost without sound. In this very moment I see myself as god, your gravestone, my shame, your triumph, my killings, your eyes, Ryuk, Misa, Kira…

When it's over I pull back and descend from the bed quickly. Dirty. Was this worth it? Just for a few seconds of pleasure, I got stained,… filthy. Is Light Yagami happy now? Kira sure as hell isn't. Who am I? Can I feel truly happy, knowing we're enemies? For a while, we could just pretend to be Light and Ryuuzaki. For a split second I allowed myself to imagine what it could have been like, had we met under different circumstances. Those moments were absolute bliss. If it weren't for this sick feeling afterwards, if only it weren't for the knowledge that tomorrow, you're going to die.

Your eyes rest on me and I would really like to know what you're thinking right now. But I can't deal with that thought right now. I practically run away, right into the bathroom. The door is slammed shut, I bend over the toilet and throw up.

What a disgusting feeling…

FIN


Well, sorry, I'm not a native speaker so forgive the little mistakes I undoubtedly made. I wrote this when I was drunk…something about the twisted, controversal feelings Raito has towards Ryuuzaki. Don't flame me, I just couldn't help it.