This is Not High School Musical

By Samurai-Nashie

Disclaimer: Don't own anything you recognize. Wish I did, but I don't. (sighs)

oOo

Revised: 2 April 2007

oOo

It started out as a typical non-existent day.

Yes, the narrator uses the word "typical" because that's how bad days usually start off. In fact, if your morning is frighteningly calm and similar to something out of the Brady Bunch, please be aware that by the end of the day, your car will have been stolen, your dog will have bitten you and run away, and you will have been informed that yes, Ryan Seacrast will be returning to host the next season of American Idol. After this last bit of depressing news, you will become reclusive and depressed and will never turn off the television without screaming "SEACREST OUT SEACREST OUT!!!"

Ahem.

Anyway, it started out as a typical non-existent day. The members of Organization XIII – those ever-so-popular villains from the second Kingdom Hearts game – were all lounging in various non-existent locations around their non-existent headquarters. The narrator continuously repeats the word "non-existent" to make sure that the reader knows that the Organization does not exist. They will remind you of it constantly, along with the fact that they have no hearts, that they want to create Kingdom Hearts to gain said hearts, and that that annoying happy-go-lucky keybearer named Sora was not doing his job fast enough, goshdarnit.

Numbers II through XIII were all currently occupied with fulfilling their greatest task at hand – avoiding Xemnas at all costs. They had all been pretty successful with that all morning (though the incident in the pantry with Demyx was certainly a close call, they all agreed), and most had retreated to their chambers.

Well, except for Number VIII and Number XIII.

For those few souls in the universe who don't know what these two look like, the narrator will digress. The Key of Destiny aka Sora's Other aka BHK aka Glowing-Eyed Nobody aka Number XIII aka Roxas is possibly the only member in the Organization to have so many aliases (other than Xemnas who is also known as Ansem, Xenahort, Number I, the Superior, and the fan favorite Mansex). He is the youngest member of the Organization, with spiky blonde hair and blue eyes that have been known to glare menacingly in typical emo-teenager fashion.

Number VIII, who will also answer to the name Axel (but not to any of the anagrams that have attempted to decipher his real name, which Disney, ever so courteous, failed to tell us), is a tall, handsome fellow with green eyes and shockingly bright red hair. In typical Squeenix-fashion, his hair is spiky. And really hard to draw. The narrator knows this from experience. Axel is also unfeasibly thin, and therefore fits the qualifications for most bishonen.

Axel did not like to be included with this word "most".

In fact, he didn't really like to be included in anything that involved the other Organization members. Except for Roxas. Roxas was the exception – not that he and Roxas had that kind of relationship. After all, can't two guys be really close friends without being snuggly? Or hugging each other? Or kissing each other? Or suddenly engaging in really descriptive, really hot bedroom scenes that involve a papou fruit and lots and lots of sturdy-

"The narrator better shut up or she'll be missing three limbs by tomorrow morning," growled Axel.

The narrator asks the reader to please forget the wonderful images the previous paragraph presented.

"Pervert."

Fangirl.

"Same thing."

Continuing on, the previously mentioned blonde was indeed walking alongside his best friend, and had studiously ignored everything that was in the "naughty" paragraph. In fact, he was trying very hard not to converse with the narrator at all, unlike what a certain redhead was attempting to do. After a few moments, he rolled his eyes. "Axel – remember the fourth wall?"

"What fourth wall?"

"That fourth wall."

"Oh."

"Yeah."

Axel then joined Roxas in ignoring the narrator. The two continued their walk down the very white hallways of the Castle That Never Was (which was appropriately located on the World That Never Was – along with losing their hearts, the Organization also apparently lost their skill for making up creative names…aside from their own, of course). They had just managed to avoid Xemnas coming down the hall in search of any his fellow Organization members by ducking through a smaller hallway and using some distracting dark portals to lure Xemnas away.

Roxas looked towards the ceiling. "How long do you think it'll be before he finds someone?" Axel shrugged.

"That incident in the pantry almost gave Demyx away…"

"You know, we never did find out what he was doing in there." A beat. "Never mind. I don't want to know."

The two would have continued their conversation, but lo and behold, a dark portal that appeared in front of them kept them from doing that. Before either of them could move, a man in a dark business suit stepped out, carrying a briefcase that looked like it was very expensive and very Italian. The portal disappeared behind him as he smoothed out the sleeve of the jacket and straightened his nice red tie. And it really was a nice tie – a very cheery, apple-hued red that made one want to dance, sing, and pretty much enjoy the wonderfulness of life.

Axel and Roxas stared blankly at the man who obviously wasn't a member of the Organization.

The man suddenly was aware that he had an audience and gave the two Nobodies a smile. "Hello, there."

The chakrams were in Axel's hands in an instant and he twirled them threateningly. "Who are you?" The man continued to smile as he reached into his pocket. Axel was positive he was about to whip out a weapon of Nobody caliber (in other words, extremely big, often garishly colorful, and usually unheard of in the typical role-playing genres), but instead, the man pulled out something even worse.

A business card.

"My name is Ralph. I believe I have an appointment with your Superior."

Roxas had grabbed the business card out of Ralph's hands and was staring at it with suspicion, flipping it around over and over again, as if waiting for something hideously grotesque to pop out of the tiny white rectangle. "Do you now?"

"Well, can't say we know anything about it," Axel replied, still holding his weapons, though he had lowered his offensive stance. Green eyes sparkled in curiosity. "What business do you have with him, anyway? It's not like we get your type around here everyday."

"Oh, no. I wouldn't think so. See, I'm a special kind of Nobody."

"How special?"

"I'm an Executive Nobody."

Both Axel and Roxas whistled below their breath. Impressive. Executive Nobodies were hard to come by. They were often seen at the very edge of the World That Never Was, duking it out with Lawyer Nobodies (which were, by the way, even more deceptive and evil than the Organization) and Yuppie Nobodies (who drove around in non-existent mini-vans and SUVs). Once upon a time, the Organization had tried to control these Nobodies, had eventually decided that they weren't that desperate, and left the three different types battling for non-existence at the edge of their world. Good riddance, was the thought among most of the Organization.

"Anyway, the Higher-Ups sent me to talk with your Superior. It seems there seems to be problem in a certain contract negotiation, and he's just the Nobody that can probably fix it up for us."

"What kind of contract negotiation?"

"Higher-Ups?"

"Well, I would love to answer your questions, but I'm on a schedule. I have lunch with two other Executive Nobodies at one o'clock, and I still have to send these negotiations back before then. So, if you'll just point me in the right direction…"

Roxas jerked his thumb down the hall. "Just wander around. He'll find you eventually if you don't try to hide."

"Much obliged, gentlemen."

With that, the Executive Nobody began his stroll down the hall. Behind him, the two Organization members shared dubious looks. They didn't need to say anything because they were both thinking the same thing. Just like soul mates. One can just look in the other's eyes and know their thoughts and feelings, and experience that deep sexual bond that can only be released through…

"The narrator shouldn't get on Axel's bad side," muttered Roxas, as he noticed a vein on Axel's forehead start to throb.

The narrator asks the reader to please ignore the contents of the previous paragraph.

"Thank you."

"Pervert."

oOo

Somewhere else in the Castle That Never Was, a very interesting conversation was taking place. The narrator feels it is her duty to relate said conversation with the reader since it will probably be crucial to the plot later on.

"Are those fake? They look fake."

"No, they're real, you imbecile."

"For real?"

"If you don't believe me, just touch them."

A pause.

"Oooh – they bounce."

A furious huff.

"You weren't actually supposed to touch them!"

"Now you've done it."

"You told me I could-!"

"You should probably apologize. You just don't go around touching-"

"Ah! Run! Run away!"

An audible vortex noise. And then silence.

"When I catch him, there will be hell to pay."

"You know him. He always enjoys touching things." A pause. "But he's right. They do bounce."

At that moment, Axel entered into the room via his own nifty dark portal. He seemed in a rush to say something, but stopped once he saw the scene in front of him. One eyebrow lifted, followed by the other one, and then something akin to a disbelieving snicker escaped from his mouth. "What in the world? What is that thing?"

Vexen was crouching on the floor next to what can only be described as a...Cabbage Patch Kid. Its fat little head was peeking up from well…er…a cabbage, and it was smiling like some evil brat you'd have to baby-sit who already knew they were going to make life a living hell for you. "It appears to be a…" Words failed him, and he gave an eloquent shrug of his shoulder, pulling a notebook out of his pocket and beginning to write down a couple of notes.

Marluxia was also peering – glaring was more like it, actually – at the thing growing in the midst of otherwise beautiful flora and fauna. Blue eyes flickered dangerously, and Axel knew he probably only seconds away from pummeling the thing into oblivion with his scythe.

"That is possibly the ugliest thing I have ever seen," Axel finally managed to say, bending over and cautiously poking the thing in the head. It bounced happily, and Axel recoiled in disgust. "Nice to know you have a sense of humor, Marluxia."

"I did not put that in here."

"Finally lost your touch, huh?"

"If you want to leave this room with all your body parts in working order, I suggest you be quiet."

Vexen was currently ignoring both of them as he continued to prod the cabbage child furiously. "Fascinating," he murmured before getting to his feet. He scanned over his notes and then gestured to the thing in question. "I'll take it down to my lab to study it. It has the most unusual attributes." Marluxia waved carelessly at the cabbage thing before pinching the bridge of his nose in irritation.

"I don't care what you do with it – just get it out of here."

The thing promptly disappeared in a black portal with a "whee!" noise.

Axel crossed his arms. Now that the thing had been disposed of, he could finally get to the issue at hand. "Hey. I came here to tell you guys that an Executive Nobody showed up looking for Xemnas." This got their attention. Marluxia raised an eyebrow while Vexen's frown deepened at the mention of an Executive Nobody.

"What for?"

"Not sure. Something about a contract negotiation that Xemnas had to take care of."

"Sounds interesting."

"Sounds like a conspiracy," snorted Vexen, who had turned once again to his notebook.

"Sounds fun," Axel said with a grin. Without another word, he stepped back into a dark portal he just created, and teleported out. Nifty things those dark portals. The narrator asked for one on her birthday and only received a light saber instead (which she sold to Xemnas for fifteen hundred munny so he could be even cooler than Darth Maul with three light sabers instead of two). Beggars can't be choosers after all.

Vexen snapped his notebook shut and also turned to leave. He paused for a moment. "You're not going to find out what the meeting is about?"

"Snooping is for the immature members of the Organization."

The blonde-haired man raised an eyebrow. "Suit yourself." And with he did that cool disappearing act too (the narrator makes sure to ask one of the Organization to teach her that trick for her next birthday). After he was gone, Marluxia turned his gaze at where the cabbage thing had been growing. A few seconds past before he let out a sigh and headed towards the door.

Of course, asking one of the immature members wasn't breaking the rules.

oOo

Somewhere else, in a place that did indeed exist, a trio of people sat in a very important business room. The room was perfectly square with grey-blue carpeting and pale gray walls (except for the north wall which was entirely made of windows – of course that made rainy days even more gloomy). In the middle of the room sat a long table. Around said table only three people sat. Which sort of made the purpose of the table mute.

The three people were currently reading really, really thick stacks of paper that probably were dictionaries in their previous lives (or perhaps the RST encyclopaedia). The oldest of the three people in the room, a handsome blonde with serious gray-blue eyes, sighed miserably as he sat back in his chair, tapping his ink pen on his forehead in a sign of quickly growing irritation. "Is anyone past page two hundred and thirty-six?"

The blonde girl sitting across from him rolled her eyes. "Yeah, right. Try page one hundred and sixty-two. God, I don't even know what half of those words meant in that introduction." She sat back, reaching for her latte, gray-blue eyes stormy. "Why in the world do they want us to go through all of this?"

"Promotion?" the other young man with a mop of brown hair said, tugging the sleeve of his jacket. "Or just enough to drive us crazy? Because it's working."

A moment.

"Anyone figure out why the other two didn't have to come?"

"They called in sick. And the Higher-Ups actually believed them."

"For real?"

"I am so calling in sick tomorrow."

The brown-haired boy pulled a cellphone from his pocket (one of those really nifty new ones that has all the keys on the keyboard on it, and a screen for taking pictures, and surfing the internet, and sending text messages, and playing really awesome games and listening to ringtones – and even more amazing, you can actually call people on it!). "She says they're going to try to break us out. We should meet them in the cafeteria at eleven thirty."

"Exactly where are they going to break us out to? We can't go anywhere without-"

The blonde girl interrupted, "There's an awesome place for coffee around here…"

"Where?"

"The Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf."

A moment of silence. The narrator would like to inform the reader that if they haven't heard of the Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf, the reader has not been reading enough tabloids lately.

Obviously, neither had the two boys because they were still staring blankly at the girl. She sighed.

"You guys are both culturally illiterate."

Amen to that.

oOo

Back in the World That Never Was, Ralph the Executive Nobody had finally found Xemnas. No matter that the search had taken the better part of an hour, and when he had found Xemnas, he had nearly been sliced in two by the Superior's non-light sabers. When the gray-haired man realized that this Nobody was not one of the twelve he was actually looking for, he had been a little less than pleased.

After some very fast talking, Ralph finally managed to convince Xemnas that no – he was not in on some prank constructed by Axel, Roxas, Demyx, or Xigbar, no – he did not know who in the world Xaldin was and why he had lost some bet to a fellow named Luxord, and yes – his briefcase was very expensive and very Italian and the red tie had cost a lot of munny. Of course, the last question had throne him for a loop and he almost lost his head when he failed to answer right away.

"So, what exactly is your purpose here?" Xemnas finally asked after studying Ralph for a moment. Ralph waved his hand, and in a poof of dark nothingness, a folder appeared in his hand. He handed over to the Superior with a very serious look.

"Contract negotiations."

"Concerning what, may I ask?"

"A few…promotional assets encouraged by the Higher-Ups." Xemnas opened the folder and began flipping through the pages. After a few moments of silence (during which Xemnas' left eyebrow continued to rise higher and higher), Ralph finally cleared his throat. "As you can see, we're in a bit of a bind. The usual three who would have been contracted into doing this have conflicting schedules that won't allow them to engage in the promotional activity."

Xemnas gave Ralph a Look. "You mean, they refused to do it?"

"Er…basically." Ralph shrugged. "Unfortunately, since their contracts were instituted before yours, the Higher-Ups are in a position where they can't force them to do anything they don't want to."

"This Organization is not a fallback-"

"No, no, no. Of course not. But the Higher-Ups are insisting."

Xemnas glared at the unfortunate Nobody. "We have far more important things to do than help your Higher-Ups with some farce because the keyblade master and his two friends refuse to comply. I decline."

"What if I said that the Higher-Ups ensured nothing like this will ever happen again?"

"No."

"What if I said that your entire mission will be fully backed financially if you agree?"

"No."

A pause.

"What if I said this would be perfect revenge against the rest of Organization for slacking off today and would guarantee that after this, they would never slack off again due to fear of even more public humiliation and therefore would assure the completion of Kingdom Hearts within a month's time?"

A longer pause.

"Then I would say where do I sign?"

Ralph grinned – worked every time.

oOo

At this moment, the narrator would like to break into a brief interlude to give her own opinion of the Organization itself. They are some pretty cool villains because they're undeniably evil and because they really can't be held accountable for what they're doing. After all, is it their fault that their Others had really strong hearts? Is it their fault that their Others' hearts were consumed by the Heartless? Is it their fault that they don't have any emotions (canon-wise, at least)? The narrator strongly emphasizes, "No!" and would like to give Sora a nice firm kick in the butt next time she sees him for killing off so many of the Organization members.

Thanks a lot, Sora.

Also, considering the amount of angst usually associated with these thirteen unfortunate un-souls, the narrator would like to say that most of them (the jury is still hotly debating the case of Number IX) are pretty darn mature. Save for that incident in the kitchen a few months back involving the Pudding of Naught and a prank slash dare gone horribly wrong (the Organization later agreed that blame for the now famous pudding incident would be placed on Lexaeus simply because he was the only person who walked out of the kitchen without resembling the inside of the refrigerator).

Yes, the Organization is insufferably cool.

And really mature.

"We have to do WHAT!?!?"

And this is where that whole 'mature' image must be shattered.

Well, at least for the remainder of the story.

oOo

Author's Note (6 January 2007): Oh my god, why? Why in the world would I even consider a crossover between the infamous High School Musical and my beloved Kingdom Hearts? Why would I force the Organization into the cookie-cutter songs and dances of a Disney musical?

Well, probably because I'm evil. (smile)

Um, don't know where this idea actually came from. I think I was just watching HSM one day and realized a certain connection(s) that HSM had to KH and, well, everything went downhill from there. I'll be alternating between this story and my other, more-serious work Somebody, Somewhere, Someday (also another KH fanfiction – check it out!).

Yeah, it's gonna be a scary ride.

In the next chapter, the Organization reacts to the roles the roles they've been given, we find out a little more about the poor trio stuck with the contracts, and the Higher-Ups plot more!

See you then!

- Nashie