The Ultimate cliché catalogue
Summary: You remember those gawd-awful clichés that just keep coming back? Well, they are the inspiration for this series of stupid and pointless tales. There will (eventually) be one for every genre. I hope.
Warnings: Will be very stupid. Very, very stupid. Also, in the spirit of the original, random CAPITALISATION.
Author's notes: Inspired by the awesome Harry Potter Cliché Catalogue by Clam Chowder1, sadly removed from this site.
Disclaimer: Not my characters, and if Clam Chowder1 objects to me stealing this, I'm sorry and will take it down. But then imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, and blatant plagiarism is what fan fiction is all about.
Chapter 1 – Romance
Domino high school. Morning. Cause this is how these things have to begin.
YUGI: Woe is me, for I am in love with my best friend. But she doesn't love me; she just loves the ancient Egyptian spirit that inhabited my body, who is now dead. This makes me sad.
- He looks CUTE and FORLORN. All the READERS sympathize and want to comfort him, and murder that whore, TEA.
JOEY: Hey Yug! How's it hanging?
- YUGI bravely tries to hide his inner pain and turmoil from his friends.
YUGI: Fine, (sob choke) how (whimper) are you?
- His friends obtusely ignore his pain.
JOEY: Ah'm just great, Yug, an Ah got da greatest news!
- The AUTHOR tries to transcribe JOEY's dubbed Brooklyn accent. It is painful.
JOEY: Mah sister's startin school today!
-SERENITY enters. The AUTHOR uses some painful metaphors to describe her radiant beauty. Flame read hair will probably come up. It is conveniently forgotten that she is about twelve. That GUY WHOSE NAME NO ONE CAN EVER REMEMBER hits on her.
JOEY: Keep yo hands off mah sister!
- SERENITY is very INNOCENT and NAIVE, and fails to notice their advances. INNOCENT and NAIVE READERS think that she would be perfect for poor INNOCENT, NAIVE YUGI, as a distraction from his broken heart, but EVERYONE knows that's not how these things work. EVERYONE knows that opposites attract. Now who would NEVER be paired with her…?
KAIBA: Hello losers.
- Kaiba's insane sexiness is described in nauseating detail with special emphasis put on his sexy trench coat, despite the fact that he should be in school uniform. The AUTHOR almost kills her keyboard from drooling on it, and we are almost saved the pain of this story. Almost.
JOEY: You are a jerk. Go away.
-Everyone ignores him, as he is poor and does not have a sexy trench coat. He and Kaiba proceed to call each other names, but since the author has only watched the dub, these consist mainly of "moneybags" and "mutt". The READERS are bored, so the AUTHOR quickly brings in more pretty boys.
-BAKURA enters, and again, his sexiness is described for an inordinate amount of time until we want to DIE. The author neglects to specify which one she is talking about. We will assume it is the evil one, as fangirls insist on calling the good one by his first name.
- The AUTHOR suddenly realizes that the many love triangles she has planed will not work if half the characters are sharing bodies. She quickly and cunningly comes up with a bullshit excuse. Yami walks in.
YAMI: Hey, turns out that when I went through the magic door, I didn't die, I just got my own body! Neat huh? Oh, and so did all the other spirits for some reason. And we're all going to this school cause…um…education is the future!
- Pretty much every attractive character that's ever had a speaking part enters. They all stand around looking ATTRACTIVE and LOVELY, while everyone else wallows in a sea of mediocrity.
- An UNNAMED TEACHER enters. The TEACHER doesn't really matter, as it's not like anyone will actually study during the course of this story.
UNNAMED TEACHER: We have a new student. Her name is –insert humorous parody of a typical Sue name here-
-The teacher disappears through a plot hole, to appear later on to give some random couples a pointless yet provocative detention, possibly involving painting a classroom after school, forcing them to remove dirty clothes. With surprising results.
- The SUE is beautiful. Her ebony hair is naturally streaked with highlights in all the colours of the rainbow and reaches the floor and which most certainly doesn't clash with her brilliant sparkly eyes which change colour depending on her mood. She unsurprisingly has a DARK and TROUBLED past, a MILLENIUM ITEM, a YAMI, and is: the reincarnation of ATEM'S sister/KAIBA'S long lost friend from the orphanage/BAKURA'S long lost lover etc.
-Now that all the characters are in place, let the romance begin!
Domino high school – we don't care when
-KAIBA is busy EMOING.
KAIBA: I hate myself, and I hate my life and I wish I was dead. It's not my fault I'm an evil jerk.
-He proceeds to relate his tragic life history to no one in particular. SERENITY overhears.
SERENITY: Oh, how tragic.
-She innocently and naively tries to befriend him. He rebuffs her. This happens repeatedly with increasing sexual tension, till they finally make out. Stupid readers are shocked by this clever plot twist.
STUPID READERS: Wow, I didn't see this coming! Gotta find out how this turns out!!
YAMI: I am very confused. I am dating ISHZU, having an affair with REBECCA but am in love with MAI, who has a crush on MARIK but is seeing RYOU.
TEA: I love you, YAMI.
- Everyone HATES and IGNORES her, and she is pared of with someone ugly. Lets say THAT STUPID PENGUIN GUY.
JOEY: Oh no. How do I tell Odeon that I can't be with him because I'm actually in love with both Lumos and Umbra?
ODEON: Nooooooooooooooo! You said we were made for eachother!
KAIBA: I have been redeemed by my DEEP and MEANINGFULL relationship with SERENITY. I no longer hate everyone.
YUGI: YAY. That's great, SETO!
-Everyone gratuitously calls him by his first name. Even JOEY, who is oddly ok with his arch nemesis dating his precious little sister.
REBECCA: I'm sorry REX and WEEVIL, but you two just aren't hot enough for me. I'm leaving you for PEGASUS.
-REX proceeds to write dark poetry and cut himself, while WEEVIL jumps of a bridge. This is DEEP, and READERS are moved.
- The characters LIE and CHEAT on each other, but as they are PRETTY and DEEPLY in LOVE, it is ok. There is much FLUFF. There is no sex, because sex is NAUGHTY.
SLASH LOVERS: Aww.
- The characters are in the game shop. All their secrets have, through various CUNNING plot devices, been exposed. There are tearful CONFRONTATIONS.
JOEY: Why, MOKUBA? I thought we were meant for each other!
MOKUBA: I'm sorry, JOEY, but you just don't complete me in the same way that BANDIT KEITH does.
BANDIT KEITH: Well, I'm sorry, but I have decided that I can only be happy with GRANDPA.
-Suddenly, some UNSPECIFIED EVIL attacks.
UNSPECIFIED EVIL: HAHA!! I will FINALLY have my VENGEANCE, PHARAOH! By MURDERING your TRUE LOVE! MWAHAHAHAHA!!!
YAMI: What did I ever do to you?
UNSPECIFIED EVIL: Um…That's not the point! Now who is your true love?
YAMI: It's PEGASUS. No, KAIBA. No, his BEWD!! No…Damn…
UNSPECIFIED EVIL: Hell with it.
- It grabs the nearest person, who happens to be THAT STUPID PENGUIN GUY.
THAT STUPID PENGUIN GUY: PENGUINS!!!!!
TEA: Nooooo! We must save my one true love!
YAMI: Do we have to?
- After much HEROISM, SELF SACRIFICE, LOVE and FRIENDSHIP, the UNSPECIFIED EVIL is defeated. TEA dies in the battle. The READERS rejoice.
-After many LONG and POIGNANT speeches that go on for pages without going anywhere, everyone resolves their romantic issues and learns to live in harmony.
KAIBA: Now what?
JOEY: Lets walk of into da sunset.
-They do. And live happily ever after. Until the writer's next story, where they all do exactly the same thing all over again.
MARY SUE: Hey, that sucked. And what the hell happened to me? Where was I? This was a lame parody and-
R&R people. Flames are welcomed. I'm wearing asbestos. Do your worst.