You're Only Second Rate
Andrew J. Talon
Disclaimer: Naruto is not mine, and nor is Disney's Aladdin: The Return of Jafar. Neither is the song "You're Only Second Rate" mine, which is from the aforementioned movie, Aladdin: Return of Jafar, which surprisingly did NOT suck like other straight-to-video Disney movies. I'm not doing this for money. Trust me though, if I did own Naruto I would have Itachi sing at least once. It'd be no worse than the filler arcs.
Slight spoilers for Post-Timeskip, if you don't know who Sai is then hit the back button.
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Kakashi fell back, narrowing dodging a more than likely fatal blow from Itachi's katana. The Copy Nin felt and heard rather than saw Naruto attack the Akatsuki member from behind, aiming a powerful kick at the back of Itachi's head. The first rogue Uchiha easily caught the orange and black clad ninja and redirected his flight right into Sai, who had been attempting to attack forward. Both young ninjas crashed to the deck of the bridge they were battling on, Naruto cursing rather colorfully as Sai groaned.
"Exactly what are you doing here in Konoha, Itachi?" Kakashi growled, thrusting forward with a kunai. Itachi blocked Kakashi's strike, and the feint-protected attack that accompanied it. Itachi flung both of the Copy Nin's arms apart and flat-palm struck him away, Kakashi "oof!" –ing at the impact. Itachi looked down at the three Leaf nin as they got back up, and then did something rather bizarre.
Well, bizarre considering that this was Uchiha Itachi, the man who had single-handedly wiped out his entire clan seemingly on a whim.
He smirked, and shrugged, as music seemed to play from nowhere. Naruto, Sai, and Kakashi looked about, but the source could not be determined. And Itachi's next attack, accompanied by him singing (?!) further occupied their attention.
"I must admit, your parlor tricks are amusing," Itachi warbled with a sneer, blurring and blocking Naruto's punch, Sai's sword slash, and Kakashi's kick before blasting them all off the bridge in different directions with a chakra-enhanced airburst. Itachi's red gaze settled on Naruto, groaning on the road leading to the bridge while Kakashi and Sai landed in the water on either side.
"I've bet you've got a fox under your hat," he mocked, as Naruto's eyes and aura flashed red.
"Now here's your chance, to get the best of me, hope your hand is hot!" Itachi went on, as he shot a fire jutsu at Naruto which he narrowly dodged. Kakashi sent a water clone to strike Itachi from the side, but Itachi merely slashed it to kingdom come without even blinking.
"C'mon clown, let's see what you've got!" Itachi sang to Naruto, who had formed a dozen shadow clones and sent them descending on Itachi from all sides, bellowing war cries.
"You try to slam me with your hardest stuff," Itachi continued, one chakra airburst from him easily destroying all the clones at once, "but your double whammy isn't up to snuff." Naruto had four more clones launch themselves at Itachi, as he and three others prepared two Rasengans. Itachi blew away the first four, before his own shadow clone appeared above the three fake and real Narutos and slashed the clones to pieces with a single swipe of its sword. It kicked Naruto in the chin, sending him flying.
"I'll set the record straight," Itachi resumed, before turning and grabbing Kakashi by the neck, who had been streaking at Itachi with a wind-based jutsu, "you're simply out of date, you're only second rate!" Kakashi bristled at that comment, while trying to free himself. Sai, meanwhile, quickly created a huge chakra-infused drawing of a tiger and sent it roaring at the Uchiha. Itachi disdainfully cast Kakashi aside to face this new threat.
"You think your cat's a meanie, but your tiger's tame," Itachi mocked, creating a whip and hula-hoop out of chakra and catching Sai's tiger in the hoop, turning it into a kitten that meowed in shock before puffing out of existence.
"You've got a lot to learn about the ninja game," Itachi smirked at Sai's blank expression. "So for your education, I'll reiterate…" The Uchiha paused only to backhand fist Naruto, who had been trying to hit him with another Rasengan. Yet the Uchiha was still keeping the rhythm of the music.
"You're only second rate!" Itachi concluded, before extending his right hand. Team Seven collectively blinked.
"Men cower, at the power, in my pinkyyyy," Itachi sang, wiggling said finger mockingly at the shinobi. "My thumb is number one, on every list," Itachi added, turning his hand over to point his thumb at the ground. His meaning was obvious, as the Leaf nin got back up and prepared another attack. Team Gai, hearing the commotion, had joined, and Neji, Lee, and Tenten huddled with Naruto, Sai, and Kakashi.
"But if you're not convinced that I'm invincible," Itachi sang with a shrug, "put me to the test! I'd love to lay this rivalry to reessst," Itachi turned and crossed his arms, his back to the nin as they launched their scheme.
"Go ahead and zap me with the big surprise," Itachi resumed as Gai lashed out with a Dynamic Entry, which the Uchiha swatted away effortlessly. At the same time, Neji had rushed in with a Jyuken stike but that too was easily rebuffed, sending Neji crashing into a nearby tree. Fifty Narutos converged on him, dog piling on Itachi as Kakashi sank the ground underneath them with a ground-based jutsu. At that moment, hundreds of kunai and other sharp pointy objects appeared and slammed into the improvised trap, the various Narutos grinning as they parted just enough for Tenten's barrage to fly in.
"Snap me in a trap, cut me down to size," Itachi continued singing throughout, which probably indicated how effective the assault was. The Narutos collectively gaped in shock as they were all thrown off with yet another chakra-enhanced airburst from Itachi.
"I'll make a big escape, it's just a piece of cake," Itachi observed, rubbing his nails on his robe before stating once more, "You're only second rate!"
Lee and Gai made a twin Dynamic Entry attack on Itachi as Tenten launched another hail of metal, while Naruto created another several dozen clones that he used to cover Kakashi lashing out with a Lightening Blade and Sai creating a pack of wild bulls to charge, which Neji used to jump above Itachi and try to crush him with an airborne Kaiten.
"You know your hocus-pocus isn't tough enough," Itachi continued singing, as he canceled out Neji's Kaiten with another airburst that also deflected Tenten's weapons and sent them flying everywhere, striking and wiping out many of Naruto's clones and Sai's animals. "And your mumbo-jumbo doesn't measure up," Itachi added, catching Gai and Lee by the ankles and crashing them into both side of Neji, sending all three of Team Gai's male members flying into the ground. Hard.
"Let me pontificate, upon your sorry state," Itachi sang, his Sharigan allowing him to copy Neji's Kaiten and then use it against Kakashi, Naruto and Sai, blowing them all back and rendering their Lightening Blade, Rasengan, and sword all useless.
"You're only second rate!" Itachi drawled, catching Tenten's own strike with a spear and flipping her away over his head, ignoring her cry of indignation when she slammed into a tree. Naruto, having the most stamina and fastest healing rate, launched himself at Itachi again, only to gape as his Sharingan eyes changed shape and became even redder.
"Tsukuyomi!" Naruto found his entire world turned black and white, with a red sky and moon above. He tried to run, but soon confronted an army of Itachis with their swords pointed at him.
"Zaba-caba-dabra!" They chorused, as Naruto about-faced and ran in the opposite direction. Gotta get out of this thing! The Kyuubi's jailor thought frantically, trying to remember how to break out of genjutsus. He came upon a little old lady in a rocking chair, and as he skidded to a stop and gaped, it turned, revealing Itachi in a wig and dress.
"Granny's gonna grab ya!" This Itachi fairly shrieked, to which Naruto screamed and leapt away, finding himself running on a vast black plain as a gigantic Itachi grew ever bigger behind him.
"Alakazam-da-mus, and this thing's bigger than the both of us!" Itachi continued to sing, absolutely baffling Naruto. He soon found himself surrounded by Itachis with swords, all of whom continued to sing.
"So spare me your tremendous scare! You look horrendous in your underwear!" They chorused, as Naruto gawped at the fact he was, indeed in only his frog-decorated boxers.
"And I can hardly wait, to discombobulate," Itachi resumed, as his sword lashed out and Naruto screamed. He had been cut into pieces, and was still alive as he saw his bloody parts circling about his head. It's not real, it's not real, he thought frantically over the pain and horror.
"I'll send ya back and packing in a shipping crate," Itachi sang, as the pieces of Naruto re-assembled themselves and were shut into a wooden box. "You'll make a better living with a spinning plate," Itachi went on, the box now spinning so fast Naruto could barely take the gee forces.
"YOU'RE ONLY SECOND RAAAATE!" Itachi belted out, as hundreds of blades plunged into the box and everything went black for Naruto.
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Leaving the alive but beaten and profoundly traumatized ninja behind, Itachi soon met with Kisame, who was waiting for him at the entrance to the village.
"So?" Asked the shark-like missing nin. Itachi shrugged, pulling back on his straw hat.
"Quite effective," the Mangekyo Sharingan user responded. The Akatsuki leader might have something to this musical morale breaking…
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Um, well… Yeah. (shrug) Review please, and tell me how much it sucked. And where Sakura was? Well... She was... Training with Tsunade or something. Meh.