Ziva was standing at the top of the stairs. She believed Gibbs, she could actually trust him. She didn't know that was because Jen had so much trust in him or whether it was something that he displayed on his face. It was in everything he did. He lived his life in such a way that you knew he wasn't doing anything immoral or stupid. It just wasn't his way. He must have been through some crazy things to become the man he was today.
I listen as my brother talks to Gibbs. I hear every word and I know what I must do. It still takes me to the last second to shoot him. A strange feeling of calm came over me as though I had convinced myself that this was not real, or maybe that this was just my job. I knew the feeling, I'd had it before. No one really likes to kill another human being. But this was necessary.
She was meant to be in charge of him, she was it. And she had trusted him. He'd betrayed that trust on so many levels and now he was going to kill an innocent man. He had killed Kaitlin. She had tried so hard not to believe it and she wouldn't have if he hadn't admitted it. She was wishing and hoping and praying that he had not, that he was not a monster who killed innocent people for the sole purpose of revenge. But then it turned out that that was exactly who he was. And in the moment that she shot him she realised that.
Gibbs was not too surprised when she gave him the information that told him that Ari was her brother. Her half brother maybe, but he was still her family. And seeing as her sister Tali was dead, and her father was never there for her; Ari was her true brother. She had to wonder what had happened to him to make him like this.
Standing with Gibbs in his basement over the corpse of her brother reality finally hit her once more. She had killed her brother, suddenly the room seeemed loud and real and bright and she was so guilty. She had had no choice, she had saved Gibbs' life. But she had murdered, executed, destroyed her brother. With one deadly accurate shot. Now she would fly his body back to their father. She would stand through the ceremony. She would pretend that it was Gibbs and not her who had killed him. She would live with that lie, that necessary lie.
And later when Gibbs could not remember who he was. She had lost it, completely lost it because all of a sudden it seemed like killing her brother had amounted to nothing if the one trustworthy man whom she had killed him for did not exist any more. It was another point in her life where things just didn't seem real, like it couldn't really be happening. And she had slapped his hand over the back of her head as she cried. And she had collapsed sobbing into his arms. She thought she had lost the last remnants of her soul.
Gibbs became her family when she had killed Ari. She knew in her heart that Ari stopped being her Brother when he stopped sharing her values. But he was her family. And when he was dead Gibbs became her new family. She had come to trust him implicitly, no questions asked. Most of the time. She would gladly give her life for him, she would do whatever it took and she had proved that when they had first met, with the ultimate sacrifice.
It felt like she was losing him too. She put on such a brave front that Abby had accused her of not caring. Not caring. That had hurt her more then any slap could have. She thought maybe that Gibbs thought that she did not care also. She had broken in his hospital room, seeing him fragile, not himself. And now that he was gone she realised that she had lost her family. Lost part of herself that she couldn't get back unless she spoke to him, touched him, drank whiskey with him in his basement.
She admitted it only to herself. She missed him.