Summary: A new slayer is in town, and she's ready to multi-task!
Disclaimer: Unless Joss has decided to be incredibly loving and generous and give me the rights to the show and characters, then the Snoopy Gang isnt mine. I'm not sure who Mary Sue belongs to, but she's not really mine either.
Notes: Wrote it on a dare. It's possibly the only thing in script form I'll ever write. If anyone finds it even remotely entertaining, I'll probably write out the rest of the "episode." Any feedback would be much loved!
It's dark. We pan up on a cemetery. A grave has been recently disturbed, as if someone's just climbed out of it. All is quiet. A filthy looking fellow comes flying onto the screen and hits the ground with a thud. He growls and his face becomes visible -- his eyes are yellow, he has fangs, and his forehead is severely misshapen. He is a vampire. As he moves to get up, someone leaps into the frame, blond hair flying. It is a petite woman, but we cannot see her face. She yanks the vampire up and delivers a few swift punches, her back to us. He cannot manage to get a hit in, and she shoves him backwards onto a tree branch, impaling him. He explodes into dust. The camera pans around low, the moves up her body slowly, dramatically, before resting on her face. She's beautiful, athletic, and every hair is in place. She's dressed in expensive clothes that seem to be remarkably clean. She's ...not Buffy;
MARY SUE: Wow! The action here's loud enough to raise the dead tonight!
She giggles at her own joke merrily as the camera pans again, the new height allowing us to see two figures heaped haphazardly in the background. One of the figures lurches to his feet with a groan and pulls the other, much smaller, red haired figured up. WILLOW rubs the back of her neck dazedly as XANDER looks at MARY oddly.
MARY (Cheerfully): You guys sure are lucky I got here in time to save you from that vampire, you could have been hurt, and I love you too much to lose you. (She is sullen a moment) After that horrific, yet stunningly lacking detail, accident, when my entire family except for me died... I thought I'd never be close to anyone again. (Cheerful again) But here we are!
XANDER and WILLOW glance at each other uncertainly. WILLOW nervously shifts
the stake in her hand.
XANDER: Yeah, um, listen..
MARY: Of course, you shouldn't be out here anyway. It's very dangerous. You could be killed. Or hurt! Or something equally unpleasant.
WILLOW: No, we wouldn't want that, but, um..
XANDER: What Willow's trying to say, I think, is...
MARY: Oh, you don't need to thank me! I'm your best friend, it's what I do!
WILLOW (Startled): Best Fri - Ok, are you another robot? 'Cause, we've had a lot of those running around lately, doing all sorts of things I'd really rather not remember, and...
XANDER: Not to get cliche here, but who are you, and what have you done with Buffy?
MARY (Confused - She speaks very, very quickly): Buffy? Xander, Willow, I don't know what your talking about! It's me! Mary Sue! Fighter of evil, defended of justice, the chosen one, the slayer, your very best friend, valedictorian, future nobel peace prize winner, all around - Oh, I get it! (Merrily) You're playing with me! You guys are so funny! But we shouldn't dilly-daddle. I mean, gee, Giles is going to worry if we aren't back soon.
She flashes them a bright smile, turns, and flounces off, presumably to Giles'. WILLOW and
XANDER are left standing there, staring after her in confusion.
WILLOW: Was that a friend of yours?
XANDER: Not one that I'm aware of.
WILLOW: Okay..that was..
XANDER: Yeah. (Beat) People still say 'Gee'?
CUE wolf howl; CUE theme song; CUE credits.
Mary Sue, The Vampire Slayer!
CUT TO MARY battles a vampire. CUT TO MARY flips her hair over her shoulder. CUT TO MARY does a little dance at the Bronze with FAITH. CUT TO XANDER says something snarky. CUT TO XANDER does the snoopy dance. CUT TO XANDER looks distinctly uncomfortable as MARY does a sexy dance with him. CUT TO WILLOW does a spell with TARA. CUT TO WILLOW bobs her head adorably. CUT TO Willow gives GILES a pained look as MARY chatters. CUT TO GILES polishes his glasses. CUT TO GILES makes an 'ah-ha!' gesture. CUT TO GILES pointedly ignores MARY. CUT TO The gang stares longingly at a picture of BUFFY. CUT TO Sweeping shot of MARY fighting as the gang looks disinterested.