...I've been in a FFVII:AC mood lately... and I thought this could work... but the Riku fans and Kairi haters will kill me...
THIS FIC CONTAINS MASSIVE RIKU HATRED, MASSIVE DEMYX LOVE, POSSIBLE CHARATER DEFAMATION, SANITY DAMAGING MATERIAL, AND "WTF?" MOMENTS. ALSO, IT IS PRO-KAIRI.
DON'T SAY YOU WEREN'T WARNED.
I do not own Kingdom Hearts
I do not own FFVII or FFVII:AC
I do not own Naruto... but I got Uzumaki Chronicles game for Christmas!
Also, no offense to anyone who likes Riku. Its just how I feel about his fanbase, and the whole concept was through a bit of personal experience. DON'T HURT ME! -cowers in fear-
Hope you like!
"SORA WAKE UP!"
Sora jumped up in his bed, looking up to a pair of angry blue eyes. "Heeey, what the big idea, Kairi?"
Kairi handed the spiky haired wonder a letter. "Read this. It looks like we got work."
Sora, yawning, took the letter from Kairi and read it aloud:
"'Keyblade Master Sora, Destiny Princess Kairi, and Loser-Prince-Of-Darkness-Boy:
You have been invited to take part in a remake of Final Fantasy VII: Advent Children (I'm sure you've all seen it), which will be respectively called Kingdom Hearts: Advent Children, or simply Advent Hearts. Don't worry, you weren't the only ones called for this; other characters from KH2 have been sent this letter and will be accompanying you. Casting will take place at 3:00 PM on Monday.
...However, in case this does not grab your attention, there will be free food.
I hope to see you there.
Kawaii "Lemur Demon" Overdose'."
Sora scratched his head. "Kawaii Overdose? Isn't she that girl who kidnapped Axel, locked him in her basement, and then when Roxas came to save him, and asked if he would molest Axel a little so she could get it on film?"
"Hey, she had good reason! The Yaoi fangirls were going to resort to a battering ram if she didn't deliver!" Kairi said. "Besides, someone was bound to do it eventually.'"
"You're right about that."
"So, what do you think? Should we go?"
Sora smiled. "Why not? Sounds like it could be fun! Plus, FREE FOOD!"
"Good!" Kairi tossed him his black shirt and pants. "You get dressed. I'm gonna go get Riku."
It was 2:47 PM when Sora, Kairi, and Riku found themselves in front of a closed off community building. As they walked closer, they found four familiar heads.
"Roxas! Axel! Demyx! Namine!" Sora called. Numbers VI, IX, and XIII and Namine turned their heads to the waving Keyblade master.
"Sora! Good to see ya!" Roxas called. Demyx waved back as Namine and Axel walked toward the three.
Namine hugged Kairi. "It's been a while, hasn't it?"
"Yeah. But it's good to have everybody back together again."
"You said it." Namine let Kairi go and hugged Sora, who was whimpering from lack of attention.
Axel turned to Riku. "You guys got the letter, too?"
Riku nodded. "What's weird though was that the Kawaii Overdose girl addressed it to 'Keyblade Master Sora, Destiny Princess Kairi, and Loser-Prince-Of-Darkness-Boy'..."
"You too? Ours was to 'Roxas: Glory Of The Keyblade Master's Opposite Hand, The Rock Star Formerly Known As Demyx, DaVinchi's Second Coming, and Ferret-Man'."(A/N: "Ferret-Man" is an inside joke, and I will not explain it so quickly)
"...'Ferret Man', Axel?"
"That's what I said!"
It wasn't too long after that when Ansem the Wise and the rest of Organization XIII (minus Marluxia, however) arrived. All had questions as to why they themselves had been specifically chosen, but most, like Sora, Xigbar, Lexeaus, and Demyx did not care since they had come solely for the free food mentioned. Finally, their invitor had arrived.
The doors burst open, knocking Riku (who had been leaning against the frame) into the street, where he was nearly hit by three cars, one tow truck, four ice cram carts, and an old woman on a motorized wheelchair, though no one cared. The rest looked to the doorway, where standing was a brunette with blue jeans and a Chip 'N Dale shirt, followed by Cloud and Tifa. The girl smiled.
"I'm so glad to see everyone-"
"AHHHH!" Axel screamed. "IT'S THE KIDNAPPER!" He hid behind Roxas, cowering and whimpering.
"How many time do I have to tell you, I had good reason!" the girl yelled. She calmed down and turned back to the group. "Sorry about that. Now, for those of you who may not know me, I am Kawaii Overdose, but please, call me K.O. Anyway, I trust you all read the letter?" Everyone nodded.
"Yeah, so where's the free food? I'm hungreeee..." Demyx asked.
"I told you you should have eaten something..." Namine said.
K.O. chuckled. "All in good time, oh great Melodious Nocturne." Demyx beamed at being called great. "But please, come inside." She, Cloud and Tifa walked inside, the KH crew following behind them.
Shortly after they walked inside, K.O. lead them to a room where the rest of FFVII:AC heroes and villains alike were sitting at a table. Aeris and Yuffie waved, Reno had his feet propped up on the table in relaxed manner, Sephiroth, Kadaj, Yazoo, and Loz were rambling on about their "Mommy", Vincent didn't really care as he showed more interest in polishing his pistol, and everyone else was just hanging around. Cloud and Tifa respectively took their seats, while K.O. took hers in the middle, which was next to a familiar face.
"Marly? What are you doing here?" asked Larxene.
"K.O. called me up a couple of weeks ago and asked if I could help with stage design and directing." Marluxia explained.
"Yeah, I felt bad that I couldn't find a role for him, so it was the least I could do. Besides, he's our official 'Bring in the Phoenix Down!' yeller!" K.O. added. Picking up a clipboard, she began to call out names for casting.
"Let's see... Cloud Strife will be played by Sora..."
"Am I gonna have to dye my hair blonde?" Sora asked.
"No, but you might have to use less spray starch." Cloud said. K.O. continued with casting.
"Tifa Lockheart will be played by Kairi..." Kairi nodded to Tifa, who smiled in return.
"Aeris Gainsborough will be played by Namine..."
"Why me?" Namine asked.
"Because while playing Chain of Memories, everybody knew right away you had the hots for Sora and Sora has the hots for Kairi, therefore also having the hots for you. And even before that everyone knew Cloud had the hots for both Aeris and Tifa." K.O. explained.
"Gee, don't you just come out with the truth?" Tifa said through clenched teeth.
"Yes, yes I do." K.O. said.
"But aside from that, there was the lack of female KH2 characters that weren't already from a different game." Aeris said. "Oh, I'm sorry K.O. Please continue."
"It's alright Aeris. Anyway, Yuffie Kisaragi will be played by the totally freaking awesome Demyx-"
"WHAT?" Demyx yelled. Everyone else started to laugh.
K.O. stared in surprise. "What? I just said you'd be playing Yuffie."
"OK... but why... a girl's role?" Demyx asked, clearly embarrassed.
K.O. sighed. "I knew you were gonna ask this, so lemme explain. Aside from the fact that we ran out of female KH characters as Aeris already stated, I decided this after a good friend of mine literally forced me to watch Naruto since I had no idea what she was talking about half the time. As a result, whenever I saw you, I thought 'Water Clone Jutsu'. Besides, out of the three choices, Yuffie is my favorite girl in FFVII, and you're my favorite Organization member." Demyx blushed and grinned boyishly at hearing he was someone's favorite. "If that doesn't make sense, then ask yourself what's cooler; a ninja, a rock star, or a rock star ninja?"
"Oh, oh! Rock star ninja! ROCK STAR NINJA!"
"Exactly! So will you do it, Dem?"
"Well... I dunno..."
"Well, I didn't plan on showing you this, but..." K.O. turned around and pulled out a giant scroll. "I went and got the signatures of the characters in Naruto: Uzumaki Chronicles to show their support, written in their own blood as summoning jutsu demands."
Demyx looked at the scroll in awe. "You're right! Look at this thing! There's Naruto, Sakura, Rock Lee, Kakashi, Gai-Sensei, Hinata, Choji, Ino, Shikamaru, Jiriya, Itachi, Orochimaru, and even the 4th and 5th Hokage! I... Wait. Where's Sasuke's and Neji's?"
"Umm... I kinda fed 'em to Marluxia's Venus Ninja Trap..." K.O. paused, then added, "...which, by the way, you totally rock for Marly!" Marluxia gave a thumbs-up.
Demyx shrugged. "Eh, I couldn't stand those losers, anyway."
"Me too." K.O. agreed. "So, in light of this support and my reasoning, will you play Yuffie's role?"
"Great! You rock even more than you did five seconds ago! You get a cookie!" K.O. tossed a cookie to the delighted Demyx, who then began too much on it happily.
"Who's next on the list... oh! Reno & Rude."
Axel shrunk down, fingers crossed. "Please don't say it, please don't say it, please don't say it..."
"Their roles will be covered by Axel &-"
"AHHHHHHHHH!" Axel roared, fire flaring behind him, which in turn set Riku on fire, though no one cared. "FOR THE LAST TIME, I'M NOT RENO! MY NAME IS NOT AN ANAGRAM FOR HIS! THE ONLY THINGS WE HAVE IN COMMON IS OUR HAIR, WHICH ISN'T EVEN THAT SAME LENGTH, THE MARKINGS UNDER OUR EYES, THAT AREN'T EVEN THE SAME SHAPE OR COLOR, AND THE FACT WE'RE BOTH VOICED BY QUINTON FLYNN, AT TWO DIFFERENT TIME PERIODS! WHY CAN'T YOU IDIOTS UNDERSTAND THAT?"
Everyone around him fell back in fear. K.O., however, jumped up from behind the table, walked over to Axel, and slapped him across the face. "LET ME FINISH!" she screamed. "I KNEW YOU WERE GONNA COMPLAIN, SO I ASSIGNED THE ROLE OF RUDE TO ROXAS SO YOU'D BE OK WITH BEING RENO! ...Whoa! Dude, did I leave a mark?"
"N-No..." Axel panted. "...but I needed that... Sorry..."
"Its alright." K.O. returned to her seat and continued. "Tseng and Elena will be Saix and Larxene." The two nodded.
"Rufus Shinra will be Ansem the Wise, therefore making the Shinra Electric Power Company the Wise Electric Power Company. Give a 'woot woot' for un-originality, baby."
"But isn't working for Ansem going against the Organization, even if it is acting?" Zexion wondered aloud.
"I know, but that's why I made Axel, Roxas, Larxene, and Saix the Turks. They weren't Ansem's original apprentices like you were."
"You seem to have really thought this through..." Vexen said.
"Thank you Vexen. I'm glad you think so." K.O. smiled. "Oh! And just so I don't keep you wondering, you, Zexion, and Lexeaus, will portray Yazoo, Kadaj, and Loz, respectively in that order."
"Why the three of us?" Vexen asked.
"I figured it would be fine since you three worked together in Chain of Memories."
"But didn't you never beat Sora's story in CoM? How'd you know about us if you never played as Riku?" Lexeaus asked.
"Meh, read the manga and cheated." K.O. shrugged. "I was never looking forward to playing as Riku anyway, no matter how many perks there were to gameplay. But moving on, Barret Wallace will be covered by Xaldin, since I refuse to believe that that's your actual voice."
"Why would you deny my voice?" Xaldin asked.
"Because Luxord is the English part of the Organization, which is why I had to screw him over by making him Cid Highwind."
"But wouldn't it have made more sense if Xaldin was Cid, since they both use spears?" Luxord asked.
"Not to mention Cid's last name is Highwind, and I am the Whirlwind Lancer." Xaldin added.
"SILENCE! There is a method in the madness!" K.O. yelled. "Sorry, but can we just drop it? We're almost done."
Everyone nodded. "Thank you. Now then... Vincent Valentine will by played by Xigbar."
Both Xigbar and Vincent looked up from polishing their pistols. "...What?"
K.O. sighed in annoyance. "YES, I realize that you two don't act or sound alike at all, but it was the most logical choice since you both use guns." Vincent and Xigbar opened their mouths to speak. "YES, I know it's extremely obvious and everyone would be expecting it."
"As long as you know."
"Oh, yes, I do. And finally, Mansex will cover Sephiroth."
"MY NAME IS NOT MANSEX!" Xemnas screamed.
"Of course its not. And 'Xigbar' doesn't spell 'Bigrax'. CoughcoughDENIALcoughcough." K.O. said, causing Xemnas and Xigbar to howl with rage. Ignoring him, she turned to a few of the original cast members. "Now, I do realize that there are a few cast members left over, but that is solely because there was no one to take their roles. So Marlene, Denzel, Red XIII, and Cait Sith, I just want to say now that I'm sorry, but you'll have to do this again."
"It's alright. We understand." Marlene said.
K.O. patted her on the head. "Well, that settles it then! I'm going to give you a week to learn from your character so you can play their role to your very best. Don't let me down! Now, without further ado, I present to you... FREE FOOD!" K.O. ran to a red velvet curtain (which for some reason no one had noticed) and pulled it away, revealing carts and trays of food. Everyone was either staring in awe or trying not to drool.
Without warning, Sora, Demyx, Lexeaus, and Xigbar lunged towards the food, already wearing their bibs and wielding forks and knives. They were literally inches away from the food, and when they reached out for the first bite-
The four stopped where they were, tears streaming down their faces. "Riku!" Sora cried. "How could you?"
"Didn't you realize I never got a role?" Riku said. Everyone took a time to ponder about this.
"I thought you were called."
"I was eating a cookie so I have an excuse for not listening!"
K.O. checked her clipboard. "Oh, right! I did give you a role! Riku, you'll be playing Zack."
"OK, I ...Wait a minute! Isn't Zack Cloud's dead best friend?"
"Who only appears twice in the entire movie?"
"...And is dead?"
"Riku, what are you trying to point out?"
"I just wanna know why I have the part of a dead guy!"
"Ohh! Is that all?" K.O. laughed. She put a hand on Riku's shoulder and said, "Riku, Riku, Riku... It's quite simple really. You pointed out that Zack is dead, and this is true. The reason you have his role is entirely because of that and due to one of my heart's fondest wishes... the wish that asks you to simply roll over... and DIE."
"What the crap!" K.O. screamed. "Someone just blew up the building next to us!" She ran out the door, shutting it in Riku's face that had run after her, though no one cared. They had all gotten to the door to hear K.O.'s scream, "SAIX! GIMME YOUR CLAYMORE!"
"What for?" he yelled back.
"JUST LOOK OUT THE WINDOW AND YOU'LL SEE!"
Saix did just that. He looked out the window, cursed loudly, and then handed K.O. his claymore through the door. "Destroy them K.O.!" he cried. "Send them back to the pits of hell from whence they came!"
"Saix! Tell us what is going on out there!" Xemnas ordered.
It took a minute for Saix to spit it out, but he was finally able to say, "It's the Riku FanFreak Population."
There were sudden gasps, yet silence filled the room. "Are... you absolutely sure?" Zexion asked.
"Definitely. It's a wall of deranged fangirls at least seven miles thick!"
"And K.O. went out there to handle it by herself?" Larxene cried. "She's crazy!"
"I know." Saix turned to the window. "Which is exactly why she'll make it."
Riku looked around in confusion. "What's the big deal? So they're angry fangirls. I'm not seeing the problem."
Everyone stared at Riku like he was crazy. "Don't tell me you don't even know what your own fanbase DOES!" Axel yelled.
"What do they do?"
"They FORCE people out of their original fanbase just so you're more popular!"
"What? That's ridiculous!"
"Oh?" Roxas said. He pulled out a large roll of paper from his jacket. He unrolled it, causing it to roll over the other side of the building while doing a few loops. "This doesn't have all their crimes, just a list of all the most recent ones your fangirls have done, but it should be enough to convince you."(A/N: This is just taking the piss) He cleared his throat and began to read:
"Monday, March 18th
A young man had gone to a Borders having purchased a Sora figure for his sister, a Sora fangirl. Upon leaving the store, he was ambushed by three Riku fangirls, who beat him and destroyed the figure, replacing it with a horribly crafted 10-foot-tall statue of Riku. His money was returned, but before he could purchase another figure, he found the Riku fangirls had destroyed the remaining figures in the store."
Sora whimpered at the pain his fanbase had to face. Kairi hugged him comfortingly.
"Friday, December 6th
A college-age AkuRoku fangirl, coming back from a party with friends, returned to a dorm room that had been trespassed, graffitied, and looted of all AkuRoku passions. She also found her roommate, a ZexiDemy fangirl, bound and locked in a closet, all her merchandise stolen as well. The dolls, pictures and such of both pairings were replaced by RikuSora merchandise, much more than what was originally stolen. All the stolen AkuRoku and ZexiDemy merchandise were both worth over an estimated $15,000, whereas the RikuSora merchandise only sold for $750 as a whole."
Xemnas shook is head. "Poor, poor souls..."
"Sunday, June 2nd
A Demyx fangirl was celebrating her 14th birthday when she received a hand-crafted sitar from a friend, made like the sitar owned by Demyx. As soon as she plucked one string, Kayla, the notorious Riku fangirl leader herself, invaded her home and destroyed the sitar, replacing it with a replica of Riku's sword, the Soul Edge. The victim girl, shortly after receiving therapy and anger management counseling, swore vengeance and is now the founder and leader of the "Real Kingdom Hearts Character Opinion Rebellion", shortened to "R.K.H.C.O.R." (pronounced "Recor")."
Roxas looked up from the paper. "Of course, that's just for starters..."
Riku stared in awe. "I can't believe so many crazy fangirls did this in my name..."
"I can't believe you didn't know about it!" Sora exclaimed. "...Hey, wait. Isn't K.O.'s birthday June 2nd?"
There was an eerie silence, followed by an, "OH CRAP!" from everyone in the room.
"WHICH ONE OF YOU STARTED THIS?" K.O. screamed, swinging Saix's claymore to keep the masses back. "I WANT THEIR HEAD ON A PIKE!"
It wasn't long before the cause showed up. She was a skinny blonde with a white tank top reading "Kiss Me- I'm Irish" and blue jeans, and looked no older than K.O., who in turn sneered.
"Kayla!" she said. "I should have known!" (A/N: Kayla's real name has been changed for protection... but I don't know why since I hate her guts).
Kayla smirked. "Of course it was me."
K.O.'s fist shook, but she brushed it off and tried to regain her composure. "Look, Kayla, I don't like you, and you don't like me-"
Kayla seemed hurt. "I like you!"
"Really?" K.O. asked. "Well, that makes one of us. Anyway, I'm trying to do a parody here, and it even says 'CLOSED SET-NO VISITORS-BEAT IT BEFORE I CALL THE COPS-THIS MEANS YOU, YOU DUMBASS' on the door. So, if you wouldn't mind, please, piss off."
Kayla laughed. "Oh, K.O., you know it won't be that easy." She extended her hand, like Riku did to Sora. "I'm once again giving you the opportunity to join us."
"Pfft! Like I'd give!" K.O. scoffed.
"K.O., why can't you see how awesome Riku is?" Kayla asked. "I really don't understand your hatred towards him and us."
"Because! You have no real opinion of him besides the fact that you think he's hot!" K.O. argued. "I have no problem with people liking Riku, or any other character from any other game for that matter, but you need to have more of a base than the fact that you think he's the fabled 'PURE SMEX'! And you know what? People I know who like Riku can handle the fact that I hate his whiny, poser-emo ass!"
"Watch your tongue!" Kayla warned. "I will not have you talk of our beloved Riku that way! Look K.O., I'm just asking you to be our friend, and I resent that you're making it sound like a bad thing!"
"IT IS A BAD THING TO BE YOUR FRIEND!" K.O. screamed. "I'D HAVE NO OPINION OF MY OWN AND I WOULDN'T BE ABLE TO THINK FOR MYSELF!"
"So?" Kayla asked. "We just have Riku think for us."
"You mean that shrine made out of hardened gum in each of your closest?" K.O. sneered.
Kayla blinked. "What's your point?"
Millions of people around the globe, along with our KH and FFVII heroes and villains, not to mention Shira, heard K.O.'s angry scream, followed by the ear-shattering shrieks of the Riku fangirls. Not really sure they wanted to know what happened, they ventured outside the set.
The ground was filled with the bodies of Riku fangirls, heads chopped off, their throats slit, internal organs removed, etc, and the stench was unbearable. Only Kayla and a few girls remained alive, and they were crouched in fear as the now blood-drenched K.O. swung Saix's blood stained claymore over her head. She smashed it into the ground inches away from the girls' feet.
"GO." she hissed coldly.
The Riku fangirls scrambled off their feet. As they ran, Kayla called, "This isn't the end!"
"Sure looks like the end to me!" K.O. yelled back. She turned around with her normal smile. "See kids! The moral of the story here is that you should never force people, friends or not, to do things they don't want to do, whether you want them to have the same clothes, like the same music, or in this case, practice the same religion. 'Cause in the end, karma's gonna come and bite you... IN THE BUTT!" She paused, then added, "Also, making a Demyx fangirl mad probably isn't the best thing to do, most likely because it usually ends with you nearly getting your head chopped off." She then ran over the group and glomped Demyx. "DEMIKKUSU!"
"Gaah! Your hug! IT BURNS!"
"That's what all fangirl hugs do, silly!"
Sora stared at the bloodshed, and then back at K.O. "This is starting to get weird..."
Kairi gave him a look. "'Starting to get weird?' Where've you been?"