Why me? I tend to be asking myself that question. I know it sounds self centered, but can you blame me? I mean from the time I was little everything in me life has gone wrong. What did I ever do to fate to deserve this? I swear that I must have been really evil in a past life and I'm getting the punishment in this one. 'Can't I get a break?' I want to scream.

See fate began playing with me when I was born. I was the youngest of seven children and the only boy. Ok I know what you're thinking. "The only boy? I bet you were spoiled rotten. You were probably the star of the family." Think again. My sisters always thought it was cute to dress me up like a girl and do my hair. Mom would take pictures and they would all ohh and ahhh over how "adorable" I was. Therefore if I so much as whined or fussed a little bit Dad would punish me and say those girls were turning me gay. He made sure all my toys were action figure wrestlers and superheroes. Hey I'm not complaining but when your 2 ½ a teddy bear and blanket isn't too much to ask for at nap time is it?

After awhile my sisters grew out of the 'let's turn Nicky into a doll' phase. In fact, they didn't want to have anything to do with me. When I was nine my youngest sister had just turned 13. It was uncool to be seen anywhere near a nine year old. So, instead of spending the evening with me like we usually did she begged Mom to let her go out with her friends and let one of my other sisters watch me while our parents went to the governor's dinner. It turned out that my 14 year old sister was away with a friends family camping, my 16 year old sister was studying for a test, my 18 year old sister was drunk, my 20 year old sister was away at college, and my 23 year old sister was sick. Last minute babysitter. That is the worst sentence I know.

Her name was Emily. She was 17 and lived down the street. She should have known better. My Mom should have never left us alone in the house. I still cringe when I hear her name. My insides grow cold and I shiver. My hands don't want to work, but I put on a fake smile and force them to. That's what she did to me. Forced me. When she was finished I told her I would tell she said go ahead no one would believe me. I didn't believe her. I was wrong. I was called a liar and got punished for not telling the truth. I guess teenage girl child rapists weren't real popular back then, especially when they are the daughter of a prominent judge.

I remember a case once when there was a shooting at the high school. Catherine asked me who I was in high school. Dependable I told her. But, I never told her why. I would have loved to be wild and cool. I tried to please my father instead. I think he knew about what Emily had done, he just didn't want to believe it. After that he always looked at me like I was shameful. I hated that look. I wanted him to be proud of me. I got the best grades in class, was home on time everyday, stayed out of trouble, did everything that was asked of me. Yeah, I was very dependable. Only it wasn't enough to earn his respect. He wanted me to become a lawyer or a doctor. I had wanted to do that in high school. At 17 I had been accepted to John's Hopkins school of medicine. I was going to go there in the fall, but then I went to a party one night and someone had spiked the punch. I got picked up. Even though it didn't go on my record, word got back to the school and I lost my place in the program.

That's when I realized it would never be enough. I started college at Texas University. I majored in forensics because I wanted to make sure that people who took everything from innocent children paid the price. I'll never forget the look on Dad's face when I told him I would be a police officer. "That's beneath us" he said. I can't believe he actually said that. I started doing what I wanted to. I became the wild and cool person I had wanted to be for so long.

After college I got a job in my home town. But living in your father's shadow is impossible. So I went to Vegas to find my dream. That's where I met Gil Grissom. He was everything I wanted to become. He was my mentor. But, it turned out that the more I did to try and impress Grissom the less respect he had for me. When Holly Gibbs died Grissom called in Sara Sidle, a CSI from San Francisco. She had less experience than I did, but he gave her a solo before me. It took over four years of working under him to get my first solo.

A few months after Holly was killed, I found myself staring down the barrel of a gun. What did I do to get myself in this position? Nothing. I was just doing my job. You'd think that so soon after Holly, Grissom would have known better than to leave me alone in the house with the wife of a murder suspect. I mean wasn't that why Warrick got in trouble, he left the scene and Holly alone?

I remember begging Amy not to pull that trigger, but inside my mind I was wondering if it really mattered to anyone if I was killed. Yeah it tore everyone up when Holly was killed, but looking at them now it was like Holly never even existed. A part of me wanted her to pull the trigger, end my crummy life. I mean what did I have to show? The answer, nothing. That's when I decided that I wanted to live. When I died I wanted people to look back on my life and say they wished they could have been like me. That's when I started to make toys for deprived kids.

Finally, Grissom got Amy to put the gun down. He asked me if I was alright. Yeah now I am. I finally have a purpose and all it took was a gun in my face.

Then, there she was. She was perfect. Everything I had ever wanted. She enjoyed her job, was funny, enjoyed doing exciting things, and was beautiful. Realizing that Sara wasn't interested in me was a little heart breaking. When I picked up Kristi Hopkins that night I saw more than her choice in career. She was a person just trying to make it in life. The more we talked, the more she sounded like Sara. I got up enough nerve to ask why this lifestyle. She told me. She was nine. I cringed, it was all too familiar. But her nightmare didn't end after one time, it kept going on till she was 15 and ran away. She said she didn't think that she could be anybody else. Then she met me and I gave her hope. I didn't see the hooker, I saw the girl.

I realized that maybe Sara wasn't who I was looking for. Together Kristi and I could make a difference. Sara and Vegas were just stops along the broken road that led me to Kristi. We'd leave this town and go somewhere where no one knew us. We could start over. I loved her. Loved being the key word, because some creep killed her the next morning because he was mad at me.

Grissom's face showed nothing but disappointment when he found out that I'd slept with Kristi. I never told anyone the full story. What was the point? Kristi was dead along with the dreams we'd made that fateful night. Why not just let them think what they would?

The team was always teasing me about my knowledge of birds, so I decided to get the sports channel. Maybe if I talked about the game some more they'd lay off. Bad move. How was I supposed to know the cable guy would turn out to be a stalker, and kill some innocent girl because of a picture my ex-girlfriend sent on the night I lost my position in the program at John's Hopkins? Luckily, my toy making had managed to make its way back to the station and the guys figured out I was next.

Nothing was different that time a gun was in my face. I begged him not to kill me, but a part of me wanted him too. How many more innocent people were going to die because of me? No, I can't die yet. It's not my time I still have a purpose.

That thought kept running through my mind when I was trapped in that box. That and "Please get me out of here!" That SOB that left me the tape was sick. Yet, I was relieved to have something to leave behind. I told everyone good bye. If I really was going to die, I wanted Sara to know how I still felt so I recorded what I never got the nerve up to say, "Sara, I loved you from the moment I saw you. I have always loved you and I always will." I wanted to say more, but that when the ants started to bite. By the time the fan stopped blowing that final time I was in so much pain I couldn't take it. That's the third time a gun was in my face. But I couldn't do it. I had to fight till the last breath of oxygen had left that box. Then they found me.

I couldn't stand to go anywhere near Grissom's office after I got back to the lab. For one, when they told me they could see me the whole time I knew he had understood every word I had said. Two, have you seen Griss's office? There are bugs all over the place! Just the sight of them sent me back inside that box.

I hated the way everyone would talk in hushed whispers as a walked down the hall. They gave me sympathetic glances. They walked on tip toes and mad a big deal about not mentioning "the thing" as my kidnapping became known as. They acted as if I would break. What hurt the most was Sara's lack of faith in me while we were searching for Cassie, a little girl whose entire family was killed.

I got my wish about the sympathetic glances. When my truck was hijacked, WITH all the evidence for a case inside it. You would have thought that I'd planned for it to get stolen. That's when all the respect I'd earned over the years decreased dramatically.

The one thing I thought I'd always have was Catherine's friendship.

Wrong again.

It was after that incident at the bar when those two guys took her to the motel. Nothing happened to her, but for awhile she thought something had. She blamed me for leaving without her. She blamed me for her car getting hit. "If I hadn't been waiting for the lab results because of the hotel thing I wouldn't have been late picking up Lindsey and I would have been paying attention. That car wouldn't have hit me and they wouldn't have kidnapped Lindsey. Do you have any idea what that's like?"

'Hmmm. I might have a clue Cath. At least she wasn't buried six feet underground in a box that might blow up any second.' Of course I never would tell her that.

Then came the day when Grissom and Sara announced their relationship. I told them I was happy for them. I should have seen it coming. I mean here I am a CSI and I couldn't even see the clues for all these years. Soon after that the wedding invitations arrived. I don't know why I went to see the woman I love marry another man, but I'm glad I went.

It was when Grissom said his vows that I knew when the relationship had started. "Sara, I loved you from the moment I saw you. I have always loved you and I always will," he said as he slipped her wedding ring on her delicate hand.

Now where have I heard those words before? Hmmm. I wonder. Grissom thought Sara would be around forever, but when he knew I loved her he was afraid he would loose her. Funny how she heard the exact words I had wanted her to hear for years, but for crying out loud, I wanted them to be come from my lips, not his. At least she was happy.

After the wedding, I was too drunk to stand. Mandy grabbed my arm and led me to her car. I was so glad to get out of there I didn't care where she took me. We ended up back at my place. As we walked in the door I was telling everything I loved it. I even told Mandy I loved her. I was sobered up however when I saw her eyes as she replied "I love you too." Wow. I realized she really did. She stayed at my house that night, and the next and the next.

So now I lay here reviewing my life while the Grissom's enjoy the fourth day of their honeymoon and Warrick and Tina bring a new life into the world. I wonder what they'll name the baby? I hope it's not after me. I never did fulfill my purpose. Here I am a 32 year old single crime scene investigator laying in an ally waiting for backup. Everyone is shorthanded tonight. So I know it might be awhile. I whisper into my walkie talkie "officer down." I try to stop the bleeding from the bullet hole in my chest unsuccessfully.

Tonight marks the fourth time a gun was waved in my face. It was the first time I begged the perp not to pull the trigger and fully mean it. I finally know what I need to do. I want to marry Mandy. I want to move to Denver and start a family. I want to be a CSI and work at a teen crisis center. I can't die now.

But as the seconds drag on, I know that fate as pulled a cruel joke. Just when I can see who I can really be I know I'll never get a chance to become that man.

Greg will probably be the one to find me. He'll call Catherine hysterical. She'll race down here crying. Griss and Sara will be called back and Warrick will name is kid after me. Mandy will mourn in silence, the secret lover. My funeral will be in Texas, because my father wouldn't let it be any other way. They'll all say nice things about me, the man none of them really knew.

And all I can think? Why now God?

Why me?

A/N Ok what did ya'll think? Please let me know. No flames please.