Goku and Vegeta: A Sexy Story
By Hippie Mermaid
Fandom: Dragon Ball Z
Rating: M (sexual references and disturbing content)
Summary: Goku x Vegeta. A satire of all those slash fics out there. This is a COMEDY. I repeat: a COMEDY.
Disclaimer: I don't own Dragon Ball Z or any of its characters. Nor do I think Goku and Vegeta would make a great couple. I do own this story, however, and no part of it may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means without my permission. No profit has been gained from this piece of insanity.
Vegeta and Goku were working out together in Vegeta's gravity chamber. The two archrivals were about to face off in a battle that would determine once and for all which Saiyan was stronger. Goku had asked Bulma if he could use her gravity chamber for his training and she immediately agreed, dismissing the fact that Vegeta was using it also. When Vegeta protested, Bulma simply scolded, "You gotta learn to share with the other Z warriors, Vegeta! You can't keep this great big old gravity chamber to yourself!"
"But I don't wanna share!" Vegeta pouted. "I don't like Goku! I don't want him in my gravity chamber!"
"Rubbish! You're just being a little brat, Vegeta! You're going to let Goku share your gravity chamber whether you like it or not! Now say sorry to Goku for what you said!" Bulma demanded, hands on hips.
Vegeta rolled his eyes. He gritted his teeth as he muttered the words, "I'm sorry, Goku."
Bulma smiled, satisfied at her achievement. "Goodies! Now you boys go and play! I'll bring you some lemonade and some fairy cakes!"
"FAIRY CAKES!" the two men exclaimed in joy.
Ahem, yes… So anyway, Goku and Vegeta were now both working out in that little room under the pressure of extreme gravity, the dizzying red light beaming down on them.
Red… The colour of passion… Vegeta mused as he ran around, punching the air.
As you could imagine, all the sweating and grunting the two men were doing as they worked out created a very sexy atmosphere. So sexy, in fact, that something sexy might happen…
Vegeta momentarily halted, wiping the sweat from his brow and letting out a sigh. It was boiling hot in the gravity chamber and the air was thick, adding to the sexy atmosphere. It made Vegeta feel light-headed and he was growing increasingly worried about the implications of being alone in a room with Goku.
It's this sort of atmosphere… Vegeta considered. That slash fiction usually takes place… He gulped.
He turned his head to the side and saw the back of Goku as he did push-ups. The semi-darkness of the gravity chamber meant that he had to squint to see his surroundings clearly. As his eyes focused on Goku, he was memorized by the sight of his beautiful body rhythmically moving up, down, up… down…
Wow! He has really nice buns! Vegeta thought as he watched Goku's perfectly-sculpted buns making tantalizing shapes with the movement of his body. Vegeta could not tear his eyes away. It was the most beautiful thing he'd ever seen.
Goku's head then turned around to look at Vegeta, an eyebrow raised. Vegeta blushed as he realized Goku knew he was staring at his buns. Goku secretly smiled to himself. He didn't mind - he liked the fact that Vegeta was staring at his buns.
What the hell am I doing?! thought Vegeta, cursing himself. It's this blasted sexy atmosphere! It's making me think sexy thoughts! Damn the fanfiction author! Damn Kakarott and his beautiful buns! …Aaargh! I'm doing it again! What's wrong with me? Why the hell am I attracted to Kakarott of all people? What's worse, this means that Kakarott and I are eventually gonna…
"GET ME OUTTA THIS WEIRDO FANFICTION!" Vegeta screamed, bolting over to the entrance door of the gravity chamber and banging his fists against it.
"Vegeta, what are you doing?" asked Goku, standing behind Vegeta.
Vegeta turned around to face Goku. "Don't you see, Kakarott? We're stuck in a slash fiction! Before you know it, we're gonna succumb to this sexy atmosphere and have sex!" He was absolutely hysterical.
Goku gave Vegeta a concerned look. "Seriously Vegeta, I think you have some major issues…"
Vegeta fell to the floor and began weeping into his hands. "Why? Why must bored teenagers toy with our lives? Why must we become so out of character and sleep with people we'd never want to sleep with? WHY? That fic with me and King Kai was torture enough!"
Goku sat down next to Vegeta and embraced the weeping man, holding him to his chest. "Hey baby, you don't have to be scared of new experiences. This attraction between us is natural. Just go with the flow, okay?" he said in a camp voice.
Vegeta looked up into Goku's face, his brow creased in confusion. "Who are you?" he asked in a puzzled voice.
Goku giggled. "I'm Goku - your boyfriend, silly!"
"SINCE WHEN WERE YOU MY BOYFRIEND?"
"Well, the fanfiction author decided to make it so we were already boyfriends!"
"Why the hell would I choose you to be my mate? I'm supposed to really hate you! Besides, I've got a wife, remember?"
"Yes, but she's not gonna know about this," Goku whispered in a sexy kinda way, his face moving closer to Vegeta's.
Suddenly, a strange and uncontrollable lust came over Vegeta. He couldn't deny the sexy atmosphere anyone. He leapt onto Goku, kissing him passionately and tearing off his clothes. As the two made love, Vegeta began to sing:
"Sometimes when we touch
The honesty's too much
I have to close my eyes
And hide... Oh shit! Now it's a bloody songfic!"
"Vegeta, why are you singing?" asked Goku.
"I don't know! It's like I have no control over it! It's the fanfiction author's doing!"
"Well, please tell the fanfiction author to stop it. I really don't like the sound of you singing."
"Oh no! It's too late now! I can't stop! I… I…
I wanna hold you till I die
Till we both break down and cry
I wanna hold you
Till the fear in me subsides."
"NOOOOOOO!" screamed Goku, his hands over his ears.
When Vegeta's painstaking singing rendition had finally finished, there was a moment of silence as a puzzled look came over the Sayian Prince's face.
"Hey, wasn't this sex scene meant to be really lengthy and detailed? I mean, this is supposed to be a lemon after all!"
Goku was flabbergasted. "Vegeta, what kind of drugs have you been taking? First you have a mental breakdown, then you torture me with your uncontrollable singing and now you're talking about fruits! What the hell is a banana or apple or whatever it's called?"
"A lemon, Kakarott," Vegeta corrected him. "It's a fanfic full of sexual content, which is written in a really lengthy and detailed way. It is the most explicit of the citrus family. There's also a lime, which is slightly tamer than a lemon…"
Goku interrupted him. "Oh yeah, and what's with all this "fanfic" crap you keep going on about? Honestly Vegeta, you need help!" With that, Goku stood up and walked away in the nude.
"Kakarott! Where are you going?" Vegeta called after him.
"Away from you, you nutcase!" As the words left his mouth, Goku flew out the window and became Goku the Flying Naked Man. From then on, Goku the Flying Naked Man became a legend among the ordinary earthlings and many tales were told about him ever after, but that's another story.
Tears uncharacteristically flowed down Vegeta's cheeks as he realized he was in love with Goku. "But Kakarott! I need you! I really enjoyed having sex with you! If you're gone, then my own sexual outlet is Bulma and she's an annoying cow! All she does throughout the whole experience is talk about how beautiful and perfect she is and how she's some angel that's come to save me! Please come back! Please…"
He sighed as he fell to the floor in despair, realizing that Goku would never return.