Raven and all mentioned characters and places aren't mine.
For They-Call-Me-Orange: she knows why. (And she's just that kickass.)
I'm not supposed to love him.
It goes against everything. Every last lesson with Azar, every time that I learned control, every time that I saw my mother from a distance and wished for her serenity, each and every time I meditated instead of leaving my room.
He wouldn't leave me alone. I hated it, at first. Like I was supposed to. Good Raven. Nothing comes out of hatred- nothing's supposed to, anyway. Except… something did, and I don't know how to tell my team. What would my mother say? What expression would Azar make, to hear just how badly I have messed this up?
I wasn't supposed to love anybody, but sometimes, when I really didn't want to meditate- he was there. I can't even think straight, remembering all those times when I was lonely and someone reminded me that I wasn't alone. So help me, I didn't want to be alone. I don't want to be alone. That's the only reason that I haven't admitted it out loud just yet- I won't be able to take it if they talk me out of this.
It's not natural, and it's the most natural thing in the world. I'm not supposed to love anyone- but every last drop of blood in my veins says that I love him, and I feel safe. I shouldn't feel safe, not when he scares me- but I do. I remember, being scared of him in the night, and wondering if I should scream- but he saved me.
I'm not alone, not anymore. I love him. I should, I do, I will- nobody can change my mind.
If I could change it- would I?
If I love him- I could lose control. I could ruin everything this team has worked for- can I put my own happiness over the team? I wish that I could say no, but I'm selfish. I've never had something like this before. I've never had someone wish me good night, before him. When I'm lonely- he knows. I don't know how he knows, but he's always there with something- an apology from when he made me snap, a comment that makes me think of smiling, or just his assurances that he loves me, and that it's okay if I don't feel the same way. I only need to be myself. It's enough.
If I don't love him, if I push him away- it'll hurt us both. I didn't know that he could be hurt, until I knew for days how he was feeling. If I don't love him- I don't know what I'll do with myself.
He terrifies me.
He makes bad days better with a few caring words said at just the right time.
He doesn't care that I'm half-demonic, or that I don't show emotion, or that sometimes I wish so hard to feel that it's enough to keep me meditating for hours while I calm down one stray thought. He's- there, and I love him. That's the end of it. He hasn't pushed me- he's waiting for me to make my decisions, and just gives advice when I need it.
I love him, and most days it feels like the most perfect and right thing in the world.
But some days, when it's dark and he scares me and I want nothing more than to cringe away and run and hide and run- some days I wonder how I love my father.