A/N: On another discussion forum the ships are always sailing, and battling. I really believe if there was an entire episode where House stood in an empty room, somebody would ship him with the floor, walls or ceiling. Just thought maybe folks could do with a little levity on the subject.
Dr. Gregory House slowed his motorcycle and leaned into the left hand turn that would bring him in to the PPTH campus. As he rounded the corner, he saw what could only be described as armed sentries lining the campus entrance. House, who would normally have revved the motorcycle's engine and sped off as soon as he cleared the turn, slowed to get a good look at them. Each wore a blue uniform, remarkably similar to the color of his eyes, but each had a different insignia on the chest. As he passed, he noticed all them all speaking into walkie-talkies. It was odd; House wondered if there was some sort of security breach on campus. Maybe a bomb threat. Excellent, he thought, no way Cuddy will send me to the clinic if there's a bomb threat at the hospital. Just as that thought crossed his mind, House noticed all the sentries were armed with shotguns. Even odder, campus security had never been armed before.
As House approached the hospital's main parking lot, he began to see what looked like army bunkers set up along the road. The first few were small, really more like forts, with a couple of guards and a little barbed wire. The closer he got to the hospital, however, the more elaborate the structures became. When he finally reached the parking lot, he saw two enormous bunkers, one set up on either side of the road. Puzzled and interested, he limped quickly inside to find what the hell was going on.
The main lobby of the hospital was jammed with people. At least half the nursing staff had their faces pressed up against the glass walls looking outside. Chase was squished in among them and from the look on his face he found whatever was going on highly amusing. Intrigued, House began scanning the crowd for Cuddy.
As he looked for her, he noticed Foreman talking with Wendy in a quieter corner. Foreman's expression was a mixture of disgust and annoyance. Obviously he did not find this as amusing as Chase did. Further along House saw Wilson and Cameron together, both looked oddly embarrassed. Finally House spotted Cuddy, screaming into the phone at the reception desk. Probably better to get the scoop from a less hysterical person. Limping and pushing his way through the crowd, House approached Wilson and Cameron.
"What's going on?" House asked Wilson.
"Well," Wilson said, rubbing his hand across the back of his neck. He seemed extremely uncomfortable. Wilson looked at Cameron for help.
"I can't, it's too embarrassing," Cameron insisted.
"What's too embarrassing?" House asked, now practically bursting with curiosity. Neither Wilson nor Cameron seemed able to answer. If Wilson rubbed his neck any harder he was in danger of snapping it and Cameron's face was flushed she resembled a Maine lobster.
"Fine, I'll go ask Foreman. He's probably more up on the whole gang war scene than you guys anyway," House said, turning and limping away. "Foreman! What the hell is all this?"
"This? This is all about you." Foreman said, very annoyed.
"Me? I just got here," House protested.
"I know. They've been waiting for you."
"The armies. They're all waiting to fight over you," Foreman said, now completely disgusted.
"I don't follow you," House said. He had no idea what on earth Foreman was going on about. Exasperated, Foreman grabbed House by the elbow and forced his way to the windows, House in tow.
"Look," Foreman said, pointing to the two largest bunkers. "Those are the Huddy and Hameron armies. They're here to fight over who you should date." House gaped. "The Huddy's want you and Cuddy; the Hameron's want you and Cameron."
"This is insane. Who says I have to date either of them?" House demanded.
"Don't say that too loud," Foreman warned. "It might start another riot."
"Look. This all started because a few people showed up and started chanting HAMERON! We all thought it was some sort of animal rights protests about testing on pigs, but then the Huddy's showed up and things just went downhill from there," Foreman explained.
"Are they seriously fighting over this?" House asked in disbelief. Even he didn't care this much about his love life.
"Seriously. And it's not just them. There's a ton of splinter groups," Foreman added.
"Splinter groups?" House asked, amazed.
"Sure. Look at the fliers," Wendy said, thrusting a bunch of leaflets into House's hand.
House began to flip through them. It was propaganda literature. Wuddy, Chameron, Hilson, Cuddameron … Hold, on, did Hilson mean House/Wilson? Oh my god it did. What was wrong with these people?
"Wha.." House couldn't even form words. "How did, why would they, heh?"
"Exactly," Foreman said emphatically.
"Give it up," Chase shouted to Foreman. "You're just jealous because there are no Foreman ships!"
"Ships?" House asked, bewildered.
"Ships. You know, like relationships?" Wendy explained.
House rolled his eyes in disgust and then ran his hand across his face. Well, he had to put a stop to this immediately. House limped out the door and stood between the Huddy and Hameron camps.
"What the hell is wrong with all you people?!" House shouted. "Don't you have anything better to do than battle over who I might or might not date?" House could hear shouts from the crowds of 'Greg!', 'SQUEE!', whatever the hell that meant. "Seriously people, IF I decide I'm interested in dating someone I promise I don't need your input. I can make up my mind all by myself! Now get the hell out of here!"
Suddenly, several SWAT teams swooped in from all directions and began disarming the troops. Satisfied that things could go back to normal, he reentered the hospital, where most of the staff was going back to their regular day, the spectacle having ended.
"They should have these people cleared out of here soon," Cuddy told House as he limped back inside. "How the hell did all these women even find out about you?"
"No idea," House replied. As Cuddy turned and walked back to her office, House leaned down to pick up a leaflet from the ground. He glanced over the Hilson literature quickly, before stuffing it in his pocket so nobody would see. Hey, it never hurt to keep your options open.