Part 5 – Wherein the author grows tired of this story and therefore decides to put an end to it

Hermione woke up feeling out of sorts. She was used to waking up in the bed she shared with Severus, driven away from sleep only by the soft smell of coffee reaching her nostrils as the aforementioned Severus waved the cup in front of her nose. She would move around on the soft mattress, reach for Severus' strong, muscled chest, then catch the attached arm and caress it until she came within grasp of the cup's handle. After that, everything blurred under the combined influence of caffeine and Severus, Severus and caffeine… and the afterglow usually lasted all day long.

But that morning was different. She was woken up by overabundant, dry hair that was being thrust into her face. Now this was uncalled for. Hair should be short, dark and greasy, otherwise it became all too clear that it didn't belong to Severus. The feeling of being out of place only increased when she noticed that she was not in bed, and must have fallen asleep on the castle's stone floor the day before. And this was nothing compared to the notable absence of coffee. Hermione and coffee deprivation did not go along well. Hermione and sleeping on hard, cold stone floors did not go along well. Hermione was thoroughly disgruntled. She did not cast another look to Lavender's sleeping form, nor to the disorganised strands of straight brown hair that were strew all around the latter's head.

No, Hermione was going back to the Hogwarts gates. If the sex-deprived men were not even able to stop a war to get their women back, she would just have to end the war herself. Killing Voldemort should do the trick – but she was prepared to annihilate Harry in the same stride if that was what it took to get back to being woken up by Severus and a cup of coffee in the morning. She had her wand – check; had run her fingers through her hair to look presentable (the author can't have the heroine looking like a mess by the end of the story, it just wouldn't look tidy enough) – check; was on her way to Voldemort – check; was prepared to ignore the latest bit of canon and pretend she could exterminate the Dark Lord without even knowing what a Horcrux was – check.

She had arrived at the gates comforted in this mindset when she saw the gates opening by themselves, and her very own Severus emerging from them.

(Please admire the narrator's splendid sense of timing)

"What are you doing here?" she exclaimed. "You aren't supposed to join us until the war is finished!"

"The war is indeed finished, my dear" Severus replied.

Hermione looked around and saw that he was accompanied by a straggly-looking Harry, a more handsome than ever Lucius, and several other wizards from both sides I shall not delve into describing, as it is too late in the story to introduce any new characters, even characters supposedly already known to you in canon.

Hermione, being a bright girl, thus understood that her darling greasy git had taken unto himself to recruit Harry to the cause of peace, probably after his confrontation with Ginny, and to make him confront Voldemort at long last, pointing out that facing a Dark Lord could not be worse than reading Hamster Huey again. What became of young James while his father was away saving the wizarding world remains a mystery to this day. The legend says that Severus volunteered to baby-sit; the author shall merely point out that this is clearly OOC, impossible and ridiculous to boot. No, the most likely alternative is that either Snape or Harry used the little boy to choke Voldemort – which would explain why little James is quite absent from the story from this point on. Alas, copyright laws being what they are, this story is not for me to tell, and you shall therefore have to believe that James is safely tucked up in bed somewhere.

The outcome of the confrontation must have been favourable to the younger wizard, anyway, as he was there, alive and accompanied by Former Death Eaters. To be entirely truthful, Hermione had also surmised that the war was over and that couples should re-unite by the fact that this story has almost come to its end, and that fanficcers do love happy, sappy endings.

One thing bothered her, though. Harry looked like he had been dragged backwards through a recalcitrant hedge, which was not all that surprising for a wizard that had been denied sex, confronted to a Dark wizard, and forced to fight for the sake of wizardkind, perhaps even in a way Agamemnon would not have disclaimed for himself, all that in the space of the last twenty-four hours. Lucius looked fine, but his haughty features did reflect the expression of the panther that has not seen his mate in far too long and who therefore has a predatory glint in the bottom of its eye.

On the other hand, her own Severus looked fine, but… content. Not unlike what she must look like herself, after a night spend in Lavender's arms. She however stepped towards him and seized him in a fond embrace, taking a deep breath – and they both backed away from each other at the same time.

"Why are you smelling of Wolfsbane?"

"What is that long brown straight hair doing on your shoulder?"

As you can see, re-union after some time apart does not automatically cause immediate shagging, not even in fanfiction. Fortunately, we are on which means that a) they can have all the rows they want, they'll still end up with each other and b) they're both very smart, and will soon realise that Snupin and femslash are both institutions that are so good you cannot help but make small sacrifices for them – in short, the heroes may indulge in a bit of both for the sake of entertaining the readers without endangering their own relationship.

And thus did they fall in each other's arms, oblivious to their surroundings, secure in the knowledge that for them, the Happily Ever After (tm) was about to begin.

And to your, dearest of readers, the story is about to end.


A/N: The characters are all borrowed from JK Rowling. No disrespect is meant, no money is made, no harm is intended. The plot is that of "Lysistrata" by Aristophanes – do go read the play if you are not acquainted with it already, it is certainly available in your own language for free somewhere on the Net. If you like slash and comic books, Ralf König made a truly hilarious parody of the play, with an, hmm, alternate ending you might enjoy.

Thank you for reading.