Disclaimer: I can only wish I owned Stargate, my friend.

A/N: Alright, I'm sure this is awful because it's just a bit of fun, and it is also my first Stargate piece. But it was fun! My dad gave me the basis for the idea, so some credit goes to him. I LOVE REVIEWS! Even if you thought it was awful, just say so. Thanks!

This fic is dedicated as an extremely belated birthday fic to Cappuccino Afternoon, my dear friend and fellow Stargate nerd. Hope you enjoy this!

Hard on Himself

It had been over a year since he had been cloned from the original Jack O'Neill, and during that time he had been doing some serious thinking. 'Jack junior' had come to an amazing realization as he endured the hardships and joy of high school along with the new generation: tormenting people was fun. Not that he hadn't known this before, but it was even more fun as a teenager. In fact, that was what most teenagers spent the mass majority of their time doing.

As his thoughts had continued in this direction, he had come to another realization: he had the unique ability to annoy himself, cause who knew him better than he did? Somewhere at that exact moment his 'older self' was strolling around, saving the day and getting bored. It was time to add some zest to the life of one Jack O'Neill.


Samantha Carter sighed contentedly as she eased into her computer chair and flicked on the glowing monitor.

"You've got mail," the pleasant voice of the computer benignly announced.

Frowning, Sam clicked on the appropriate icon and checked her inbox. True enough, there was a message waiting for her, but she did not recognize the sender. Sam opened the e-mail with a curious tilt to her head and broke into a grin as she read the contents that appeared on her screen. Was she surprised that Jack's clone had sent her an e-mail, yes. Was she fascinated? Definitely.

"Sam Carter," the message read, "I have an idea... a few, actually, and I need you to put them into action for me. Daniel is also getting a copy of this letter, and I have sent an attachment for Teal'c, too. Happy hunting!"


Jack collapsed into his locker. It was a nightmare, an absolute nightmare! In the span of twenty-four hours, the world had gone looney, and he was the sole target of every other member on his 'team.' He had always thought teams were there to support each other, but apparently he was wrong, 'cause there was no way what had been done to him had been done out of support.

As his ragged breathing began to slowly even out, he caught sight of Teal'c's locker, near his own, with its door slightly ajar. Suddenly Jack was seized with an urge to investigate the alien's storage space and to see if he might discover exactly what kind of drugs he was on to do the things he was doing.

The door swung open freely, and a single sheet of paper came floating out, right into Jack's waiting hand. For a moment he was ready to toss it aside in order to get to the good stuff, but then his eyes were riveted to the paper. This is what it said:

Ways to Annoy Jack

1- STARE at him.

2- Give him a plateful of unidentifiable Chinese food. When he asks what it is (after several mouthfuls) tell him it's dog.

3- Have Daniel mess with his gun... and then make sure it doesn't work.

4- Steal his explosives.

5- Tell him Ba'al is looking for him in the kitchen.

6- Follow him to see what his reaction is.

7- Have Teal'c look at him with the eyebrow- All. Day. Long.

8- Have Sam say nothing in plain English.

9- Have Daniel insist on following him around and boring him to death with 'important' facts.

10- Replace his sidearm with a convincing-looking squirt gun.

11- Replace his uniforms with very flowery clothing.

12- Get General Hammond to set off the alarm while Jack is in the restroom. The moment he reaches the Gate Room turn it off and explain that it was a false alarm.

13- Super-glue the door to his locker shut and then get it open again before he comes back with someone to fix it.

14- Put crazy things in his survival kit, like a rubber chicken.

15- Set him up on a blind date... with a Tok'ra.

16- Talk to people that aren't there and insist that they are.

17- Whenever he gives you strange looks, send him to the infirmary.

18- Once there, have them give him lots of shots.

19- THROW things at him when he's not looking.

20- Pretend that all of these things are completely normal.

Jack looked up with blood alternately rushing to and away from his face. Someone was gonna die.


Somewhere very far away, Jack's much younger clone leaned back in his recliner and placed his hands behind his head with a smug smirk. He really could be hard on himself at times.

A/N: Extremely short, I know, but I hope it put a smile on your face at least. Bye! PLEASE REVIEW!