If

By: Eleniel

Rating: PG 13

Warnings: Suicide. If you don't like it, don't flame me. Flames go to feed uruk-plot-bunnies. Hit your back button.

Summary: "It's not my blood, Sirius! It's not my blood!"

Spoilers: HP III (Prisoner of Azkaban).

Disclaimer: Anything you recognize is not mine. If you don't recognize it, it probably is mine. If it is mine, it is copyrighted. I don't steal; I expect you not to. I'm not getting paid for playing in anybody else's toy box. Reader's donations are accepted, though...wink

Feedback: (or the review button tends to work well…well, usually).


"It's not my blood…Sirius, it's not my blood!"

"After consideration of the evidence, the Department for the Regulation and Control of Magical Creatures finds the accused, Remus John Lupin, Werewolf Registry number 37611, guilty of the murder of Severus Cartel Snape, guilty of defiling the deceased, and guilty of failure to adequately ensure safety of others during the full moon…"

The way Remus's already pale face whitened more with each pronouncement…

"…Therefore, The Committee for the Disposal…"

No. Not Remus.

"…of Dangerous Creatures…"

You can't have Remus.

"…has sentenced the accused, Remus J. Lupin, Registry number 37611, to death by potion, to be carried out three days hence. The accused will until then be held in a high-security cell in Azkaban."

NOT REMUS!

It should have been me.

It was my fault. I told Snape where to go, what to do…I didn't realize, then. I didn't think Snape would actually do it. I didn't realize that Remus would actually do it.

James tried to save him. He's got an Order of Merlin, Third Class for it. I think he chucked the trophy. I would've.

He came back hours later, white and quaking violently, escorted by McGonagall. She didn't even tell him off when he punched me square in the face.

Instead, she marched me to the Headmaster's office, where I was informed that Severus was in a very delicate condition in St. Mungo's and that I was to be expelled. Dumbledore asked if I knew what I'd done…if I knew what they'd do to Remus.

He said they'd kill him.

I said it should have been me.

They never got the chance to carry out his sentence. They found him, the morning after his "trial", in a lake of blood. He'd slashed his wrists with his teeth.

When he found out what I'd done, Remus jumped me. It took the combined efforts of Pomfrey, Dumbledore, McGonagall, and Slughorn to pull him off of me. By that time, I had a broken jaw, a bad concussion, a snapped arm, and a few cracked ribs. I'd never seen him so angry – his eyes flashed gold, and I knew he'd lost control.

Dumbledore and McGonagall kept their mouths closed only because Remus asked them to. He said it was his last wish – that he be the only one to go down. Angry as he was with me, he still protected me. He is – was – a better man than I'll ever be.

That's why I'm up here tonight. The astronomy tower, as romantic as the idea would be, is too public. No one sneaks to the Owlery at four in the morning, though.

I can barely squeeze through the tall, thin windows the owls fly through. It helps that I haven't eaten a proper meal in almost two weeks.

It should have been me. I don't deserve to be here. I killed Remus – and I mutilated Snape. I'm not sure whether he's recovering or if his 'very delicate condition' got the best of him.

It should have been me.

Tonight, it will be.