Enter the Host Club

By BlackFeatherz29

Chapter 1: Infernal Contraptions

Hello! Forgive me, my regular readers, for not updating any of my stories and instead starting a new one! (is grinning from ear to ear in disturbingly psycho way) I will have no guarantees on update dates for this fic, and yes, it will be painful for the sane members of Team Seven! God, I'm such a sadist. Well, this is meant to be a humor fic. Ninjas versus the Host Club How crazy can it get? Keep reading to find out.

Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto or Ouran High School Host Club.

Uchiha Sasuke didn't know how he'd been conned into this mess. Just an hour before, he'd been innocently lounging with the two other members of his team (both of whom had particularly earsplitting voices but with he'd tuned out with no problem) on the bridge while sharpening his favorite Fuma shuriken. Then the Godaime just happens to issue them a mission via their usually late sensei. His peace and quiet were shattered the moment Sakura and Naruto shut up for a second before screaming at Kakashi, accusing him of being purposefully late for every other time since he was unusually early this time.

So here he was, bundled down with some strange clothes as well as boarding a machine that supposedly was to be able to fly after a screamout (consisting of Naruto and Tsunade-sama) that was supposed to be a mission briefing. Curious.

He wasn't particularly worried about the thousands of feet they were going to go up. Oh, no. He was just slightly worried about how lost they would find themselves on the ground below the plane should it decide to crash. How would they ever find their way back to Konoha then?

"Damn these infernal contraptions," he muttered under his breath while he cautiously boarded the plane. This is why he didn't like dabbling in the technology of the outer world.

Looking back at the loading dock, Sasuke saw that he wasn't the only one expressing doubt that this "helicopter" would truly be able to fly.

"Ano… are you sure this will work?" Sakura asked nervously, glancing at the huge rotary blades that decorated the top of the machine while twiddling with the unfamiliar packages in her hands. Naruto, who had boarded before Sasuke, immediately poked his brilliantly blond (in many ways) head from the inside of the plane, tottering precariously to holler, "If we crash, I'll save you, Sakura-chaaaaaaaaan!"

Sasuke winced involuntarily at the way Naruto's loud and grating voice had managed to turn the melodic strain of his last few syllables into a cat's death yowl. He also know that a Naruto-beating wouldn't be far behind. Despite the fact that all three chuunins had become older and more respected, their mannerisms seemed to be shrinking opposite their age.

Sure enough, all evidence of hesitation disappeared faster than a bag of Chouji's chips as Sakura streaked onto the plane, roughly grabbing Naruto's right earlobe as she went by. Sasuke smirked as he followed the dust trail that she'd created onto the helicopter. Revenge was sweet…

The ceiling was low and sloping, making him feel a bit claustrophobic. The smell was of new leather and perfume, the stifling artificial habitat of rich bastards like their client. Naruto and Sakura, despite their equal loves of nature, seemed not to notice, too busy with grappling in their seats.

"Don't call me Sakura-chan again!"

"But Sakura-chan! You love me, don't you? What's the problem?"

"The problem is the way you say it, idiot, I wouldn't mind being called Sakura-chan by other people", here she paused to shoot a shy glance at Sasuke despite the fact that she and Naruto were already an unofficial couple in Konoha, "but the way you say my name just makes it sound plain disrespectful!"

Sasuke sat down in his seat beside Naruto, looking curiously at the strange buckle that lay in his lap and the cabinets filled with wine that lined the walls. The things that people in the outer world make these days…

A voice crackled to life in the ceiling, momentarily interrupting Naruto and Sakura's squabble. Despite the fact that Team Seven had been studying the outside world for the past year, it made absolutely no sense whatsoever. The only thing that Sasuke got from it was, "We will be 4000 feet in the air", and none of them understood the safety procedures in any way. Oh, well. We'll just hope that as ninjas, they'll be able to survive the crash without problems.

They all waited patiently in their seats after the pilot replaced his microphone, anxious to see if this big thing was really going to fly. After a few seconds, it would seem that Naruto's patience had burnt out. "Ano sa, ano sa!" he screamed impatiently. "When's the plane gonna start moving, pilot-guy?"

As if in answer, the helicopter slowly rose from its perch at the same time Sakura lost her patience. "Don't be so rude, Naruto! It's bad enough that this guy had to get to someplace that isn't even on the world map, but he has to deal with you, too!"

Sasuke just tuned them out. It was going to be a long ride.

Thirty seconds later…

"Ano sa, ano sa! Are we there yet?"

"No, Naruto."

"Oi, Sasuke-bastard! Say something!"


"You just said something!"


"Wait… that doesn't make sense… hey, are you listening to me?"


"Why you—"

"Settle down, Naruto. Sasuke-kun doesn't want you to bother him anymore. Can't you see he's tired of it?"

"But I thought you loved me, Sakura-chaaaan…wait – are we there yet?"


"'Kay… just askin'…"

Take this and multiply by 100. Conclusion: never take plane rides with Team Seven. You will get a migraine.

Mercifully, an hour later, the pilot announced that they would be arriving at the Suou residence in ten minutes. Naruto whooped, and Sasuke and Sakura both sighed in relief. Trapped in close parameters with Naruto was enough to make someone go mad.

The helicopter touched down onto a landing pad in the Suou estates. All three shinobi hopped out, landing as lightly as a feather. And looked around in amazement.

Naruto's jaw hung to his knees, his eyes expanding to the size and shape of Frisbees, while Sakura didn't look much better and Sasuke was trying to look unimpressed.

This place was an honest-to-God mansion. More like a European castle. The mansion stretched in all directions as far as the eye could see, coupled with wide green lawns, fountains, and multi-colored flowers. But before the ninjas could stop gawking, an obnoxiously loud male voice woke them from their reverie.

"Welcome to my home, humble guests!" Sasuke turned star-struck eyes slowly onto a figure at the edge of his vision. A blond boy in the very homogenous island nation of Japan… how curious. Was he Japanese or European? Certainly the pompous way he was talking suggested that he belonged in the French courts of old. "Allow me to introduce myself! I am Suou Tamaki, your host and client."

"Um…" was the only thing Sakura could say to this weird person. Naruto, however, miraculously recovered from his shock, had joined his equally loud and obnoxious voice to form a holy matrimony of loud and obnoxious voices.

"Hey!" he practically screamed, shaking hands vigorously with the boy. "I'm Uzumaki Naruto, future Hokage and proud chuunin of Konoha Village!"

Sasuke groaned quietly, feeling ominously that if their client was as loud and as boisterous as their favorite blond teammate, then it might be better to back out of this mission than risk getting his eardrums burst by the holy matrimony of loud and obnoxious voices…

"Hear me out!" the Godaime yelled, slamming a sake bottle onto her desk so hard drops of sake sailed out and landed on Sasuke's face (which he delicately wiped off). "This – this Suou guy has been getting on my nerves enough! First he tries to hire shinobi for a ridiculous tea party that he and his 'host club' came up with, and now he's been spamming me with pleas and bribes to hire more shinobi to guard him during an equally ridiculous school play he's directing." Team Seven exchanged a glance. It was clear that she was drunk.

"I normally would submit to his bribes," she continued, a small fraction calmer than she had been a moment before, "because they did offer substantial amounts of money, but he's been pissing me off way too much for that to matter. But now…"

She pointed an accusing finger at Naruto, the sake in her red flushing face doing all the talking now, "You have especially been pissing me off this week, so I'm putting one insufferable brat with another insufferable brat because half and half make a whole." They all sweat dropped at her weird logic.

"Your team has been assigned to protect this Suou boy and his family and classmates while their school play is going on, and to do whatever services you can for him." Her intoxicated face loomed menacing above them. "I give you a second command to suck out every drop of money he has been bribing me with. He owes me, dammit. And no complaints!"

… now that he thought of it, Sasuke didn't think that retreating was actually an option. Provoking a drunk and angry Tsunade-sama was worse than calling Chouji 'fat' or dissing Shikamaru's precious game of go. Speaking of Shikamaru…

As Sakura ran after her noisy teammate and their new client, the dark-haired Uchiha raised his face to the sky, only one thought on his mind: How troublesome. He hoped the lazy genius wouldn't mind the unlicensed use of his favorite phrase. But really, that was the only thing that would describe this situation. Other than 'inevitable disaster', that is. But the first phrase was easier to say.

Odd, eh? I have no guarantee for when I will update next, so keep posted on updates. Reviews are nice, too.