The Other Cinderella
Rated T for 'taste,' which this story is clearly lacking.
This fanfiction is officially stamped with a 'Yaoi Warning.'
This fanfiction is also officially stamped with a large, red 'WTF?!' because, honestly; wtf?!
A/N 1: This is what happens when you give a writer too much time. Please don't think that this is a serious story. Really. This is pretty much an absolute crackfic.
A/N 2: Ironically, this was written before book 15 came out… (And yes, I know his name is Kazuma…)
If you must…
Note: This is the story of a prince's toils to get the perfect bride. Despite what you may think about this being an 'original' plot, please know that it is, in a number of ways, entirely too clichéd. And yet, it's different… somehow…
Once upon a time, there lived a handsome prince named Kyo. He had many manly hobbies, like fighting with swords, riding horses, and toying the feelings of other men reading books to the children of the kingdom.
Prince Kyo led a good life—and yet, something was left unfulfilled. In the deep caverns of his lonely royal heart lay a shadow that was formed by the light of his riches and swords and horses and men books. Whenever he saw the peasants outside, he became sad, knowing that the freedom they had to date other men do what they wish would never be his.
Prince Kyo wished for that freedom so desperately, he wanted nothing more than to give up his royal name.
But since granting that wish would end this story here, Prince Kyo hasn't yet been able to do that.
Two rather minor characters would be called the King and Queen. The King had a name, but since no one could remember it, they referred to him as Shishou. And as for the Queen? Well, it was determined from her birth that she would be such a useless character that it was pointless to even name her. And incidentally, that works perfectly for the purposes of this story.
On the far side of the kingdom, there was a house with five people living in it. Keep in mind that this was an extremely small house. Actually, it was a huge house, but that doesn't sound as pitiful. So yes, the mansion with four floors, twelve bedrooms and 6½ baths was really very small.
As for the people living inside of it? Well, the man of the house was a writer by the name of Shigure. He was an attractive young man, but he doesn't occur in this story (unless it's convenient) so it's pointless to talk about him.
Shigure was so wrapped up in his writing that he failed to realize when his house was overtaken by a woman and her three daughters, who happen to be the same age or older than her.
This woman's name was Lady Arisa and, despite the way she treated her children, was really a kind and gentle soul. But she's about as important as Shigure, so let us move onto the children.
The oldest and by far the least refined was young Kagura. She was desperately in love with Prince Kyo, and as hopeless as she was, somehow managed to have a previous encounter with him. This encounter involved a pair of fried eggs and a tree, and is a rather good subject to avoid.
The middle child was a creepy young lass named Saki. Her denpa waves originally kept boys away, but ever since the day she began wearing black, every emo boy in the kingdom had left their boyfriends, put on their skinny jeans and rushed to stand below her window.
Note: Since Saki's window had black curtains permanently attached to it, the boys quickly realized that their devotion was in vain. Instead, they turned their attention to making groups on Facebook and MySpace relating to the lovely girl. When that got boring, they created videos of what they would do on a date with her and posted them on YouTube. When that got boring, they learned how to sing or play instruments and proceeded to create rock bands. Thus, MCR, Linkin Park and Green Day were born.
Anyway, no one has seen Saki since the day she got a lock on her bedroom door. There is now a $30,000 reward to anyone with a picture proving her existence.
The last and most important girl in the house was the slightly dim-witted Tohru. She was actually the step-daughter of Lady Arisa, because Sir Kureno had originally been married to the cruel and demonic Lady Akito, who was rather gender-confused.
But besides that prod at Akito, the genealogy doesn't have any point; Tohru was adopted.
Regardless, Tohru was a simple young woman who wanted nothing more than to polish the floors. She had dreams and aspirations, yes, but since all of them are cleaning- and job-oriented, the narrator has decided to exclude them and pretend she had a better goal.
That goal… was to marry a prince. And since the only prince that exists in this tale is Prince Kyo, it doesn't look like she has a choice who to marry.
And so, on a random Thursday in early June, our story begins.
Just as the sun reached its highest point in the sky, a large, flaming orange carriage was wheeled out of the castle gates with His Highness' servant, Proclaiming Hatori, sitting on top. No one seemed to realize that it was being led by a curvaceous young woman instead of a horse, or perhaps they all just preferred the girl to Flicka.
Regardless, Proclaiming Hatori drew attention from every onlooker and waited patiently until nightfall to make his announcement. (He needed to be sure at least one member per household was in attendance so the plotline would actually make sense.)
Finally, at dusk, he cleared his throat. "Ladies and gentlemen," he began. "Prince Kyo cordially invites all young women to his royal ball, which is going to take place in the palace tomorrow night. At this ball, the prince will find his bride."
Proclaiming Hatori paused until the women's cries of happiness quieted.
"His Highness would also like me to remind you that, in order for all the women to come in, there will be no possible way for security to monitor the entirety of the castle. There is a risk that you will all be shot."
Clearing his throat again, Hatori nodded. "That is all."
Despite the applause sign, no one cheered. Just to make Proclaiming Hatori feel good, the girl toting the cart removed her scarf and whipped it around before throwing it into the crowd. Instantly, applause erupted, telling the now-satisfied Proclaiming Hatori that it was time to leave.
Note: Unfortunately, no one has yet to tell him that the shouts of 'Take it off!' were not directed at him. Much to the disgust of the entire straight male population, he now insists on making the royal announcements in the nude.
That night, at the home of Shigure, Lady Arisa announced the royal proclamation. Without a single word, Kagura flew up the stairs to her bedroom in preparation for the next night's celebration in hopes that she would be chosen to be the bride.
In the flurry of Hurricane Kagura, Saki's door sprang open and the goth girl materialized downstairs. (She only opened the door to trick photographers.)
Her dark eyes were wide in apprehension when she looked at her mother. "Did you say a ball? At the palace?"
Although she was a beautiful girl, Lady Arisa had a hard time believing that the prince would even approach her unless threatened with his life. And even then, he might choose to die.
Saki suddenly laughed, her eyes sparking with good humor. "You make me laugh, mother," she murmured. "I would never waste Prince Kyo by killing him so quickly."
Lady Arisa could only gawk, and wonder if her daughter could read thoughts.
"Yes, I can, mother," Saki grinned. With the single smile, all of the mirrors in the house shattered. (This is how the vain-and-desperate Kagura died.) "But in any case, I'm not after the prince."
This was true. However much the late Kagura desired to be Prince Kyo's bride, Saki couldn't care less. Her only dream, aside from dying a long and painful death, was to marry Shishou.
Note: For legal purposes, the story at this point was changed. According the historical artifacts, Saki truly wanted to torture Shishou, although marrying him was the first stage of her plan. As his bride, she could legally execute anyone she wanted to.
Sometime later, Saki went to Kagura's room to investigate her corpse, leaving Lady Arisa free to search for Tohru. She found the girl hunched over in the dirt outside, sobbing.
"What's wrong?" Lady Arisa wondered. Honestly, she didn't care, but it made her seem like a more dynamic character.
Tohru, who truly was quite a stupid girl simpleton, looked up at her step-mother with tears in her eyes, pointing to the ground. "It's so dirty in this room!" she cried, pushing aside plants, crawling along the ground as if in search of something. "I can't even find the walls!"
Lady Arisa, feeling her IQ beginning to drop from even being close to the girl, told her to go do something with Kagura's body instead of cleaning.
Tohru was halfway up the stairs when a shimmering light appeared and a clumsy-looking fruitloop in a pink dress dropped out of a rip in the time-space continuum.
Worried, Tohru helped the girl up, realizing after a moment that it was actually a boy in a dress.
"I am Yuki, young miss," the boy said, "and I am your fairy godmother! I am here to grant your every wish! I know how much you want to go to the prince's royal ba—"
"Is that cotton?"
Yuki stopped mid-sentence, his gaze lowering the odd girl in the dress, whose eyes were pointedly fixed on his apron. "What?"
"Is that cotton?" she asked again.
"I don't know," Yuki snapped. "But I'm being paid minimum wage, so can we hurry this up a bit, ple—"
"If it's cotton, the seamstress did a wonderful job!"
Note: Somewhere far away, Ayame sneezed in mid-chuckle.
"Yeah, sure, whatever. Can we just—"
"No, really! It's wonderful!"
Yuki, beginning to wonder if the girl was mentally ill, tried again. "I'm here to grant your every wish! You want to go to the ball—and I will make that dream come—"
"I don't want to go to the ball," Tohru said, confused. "I'd rather own an apron like yours."
Yuki squinted down at her. "Are you kidding?"
Tohru simply gave him a blank stare. She really wanted that apron.
Pulling out a piece of paper, Yuki bit his lip. "This… isn't 12345 Flying Pot Lane?"
She shook her head, still mesmerized. "It's 12346." Seriously, if she could just get her hands on an apron like that…
"Well…" Yuki thought about it. If he helped her instead of whatever bratty wannabe bride he was assigned to… he'd still get paid, after all. "Instead of helping Cinder-what's-his-name, I guess I can help you."
Note: Across the street, Cinderitsu sneezed, and then apologized profusely. He was so ashamed that he copied Saki's example and hid in his room, hoping no myths would arise. Of course, myths did, and since Saki was now in full view the photographers needed a new target. Thus, the hunt for Cinderitsu began.
"So," Yuki said after an hour passed without so much as a nod from Tohru, "what can I do for—"
"Is that all you wa—"
"You really don't need anything el—"
"Okay, okay!" He shoved the apron towards her.
"Omigod! Apron!" Her eyes got wide. "Let's get some aprons."
"I just gave you an apr—"
"Let's get some aprons."
"You twit! I just handed you—"
"Let's get some aprons."
"—a perfectly good apron! It's cotton! That's what you wanted, ri—"
Before she could say anything else, Yuki yanked out his Sparkly Wand and killed the girl.
Note: The Sparkly Wand (copyright 1997) is actually a pistol. It was given the codename SW after 'something important' happened. Also, the killing of Tohru was absolutely justified. The SW only kills people half-way; the said person will automatically revive after a few hours.
"Thank god," Saki said from the top of the stairs. "That was pissing me off."
Yuki's eyes moved to the thing in her hand. "What is that?"
"It was my sister's left eye," Saki chuckled, holding it out. "But now, it's mine."
Shuddering, Yuki rushed out of the house. So the girl was dead, and the wannabe bride he was supposed to be helping had a current status of extinct.
He shrugged, and figured he should just pose as the girl. Besides, he could always find some other helpless victim girl at the ball to torture help.
Back at the castle, oblivious to the recent deaths and extinctions, Prince Kyo wandered his gardens, wondering about the girls he would meet at the ball. Truth be told, he didn't want to marry a girl. They were too scary. He'd much rather have a ball for men… but no, Shishou and the Queen wouldn't allow it.
And that's enough of Prince Kyo for now.
The next night at nine o'clock sharp, the ball began. Hundreds of maidens appeared out of nowhere—Prince Kyo figured some were from out-of-town—and began dancing with the male servants of the castle, just to make the dance floor look pretty. Since they all happened to know how to waltz perfectly, there was no problem.
"Son," Shishou said, laying a hand on Prince Kyo's shoulder. They were in the balcony, a single flight of stairs away from the crowds. "I implore that you find a wife with a nice personality, and…"
The prince waited a few seconds, watching as his father's face grew thoughtful. He was surprised—usually his father spoke smoothly, but now he couldn't think of what to say. To think that a bride had to have so many good qualities…
"Actually," Shishou mumbled, "personality, schmersonality. Get a girl with huge—"
"—sums of money," the Queen interrupted. Shishou looked at her, smiling guiltily, and then turned back to the prince.
"And," Shishou whispered, leaning in so the Queen wouldn't hear "if possible, get a girl with a name. The nameless ones tend to be, well, lacking when it comes to having huge—'
"—amounts of patience?" The Queen grabbed him by the ear. "I'm not deaf, you know. Well, dear," she said, now to Prince Kyo, "we have to leave. Your father here is being stalked by a creepy girl from across town. She left an eye on our windowsill last night."
Prince Kyo quirked a brow, but the pair had already turned to leave. With a sigh, the prince looked down at the crowd of swirling, dancing couples and once more wished that the narrator would let him give up the royal name.
A girl suddenly appeared in front of him, her dark eyes searching for something. "Keep hoping, prince," she murmured. "Now, where is your father?" Without another word, she scurried off.
"Is everyone in this place insane?" Prince Kyo wondered, and began the long descent to the ballroom.
The place was even more crowded than Yuki had imagined. He had ended up taking a dress from the late Kagura's closet, and he had transformed the carriage from the orange pumpkins in the patch across the street.
Note: The only thing Cinderitsu was allowed to eat had been pumpkin seeds. Thus, he sneezed, and then died. After the autopsy, it was determined that he actually died of humiliation rather than hunger—while trying to find a healthy pumpkin, a photographer had taken his picture.
The inside of the carriage was too warm, and it was slightly damp. Yuki was happy when it finally stopped at the gates.
He pushed at the door, but it wouldn't budge. It was an enlarged pumpkin—what the hell could he expect?—but still, for a vegetable, it was pretty stubborn.
After a bit of struggling, he grunted and kicked the door, sending the side flying until it mashed into the ground a few paces away. Yuki was about to jump down when he tripped over his dress and began to fall.
Wincing, he prepared himself to hit the ground, but it never came. Instead, two strong arms caught him, setting him on the ground. Yuki looked up at the man who'd saved him from embarrassment and gasped. It was none other than Prince Kyo himself!
Note: Again, the story has been changed to be fluffier. Historical documents tell us that, in truth, a hideous gardener caught Yuki; the prince did not come soon enough to save him.
"Are you okay?" the prince asked, rather uninterested in the unfamiliar face. It was a girl, so what should he care?
"I'm fine," Yuki replied, and the prince's eyes suddenly snapped to his face.
Prince Kyo could hear his heart begin to pound. Despite those effeminate eyes and the oddly silky voice, the person in front of him was undoubtedly male. (It didn't occur to the prince to wonder why this man was wearing a dress.)
"I think I know why you're here," Prince Kyo smiled, instantly turning his seductive powers on. "Come with me…"
Yuki followed along willingly—so the prince knew that he was there to grant someone's wishes! That would make his job much easier.
But Yuki suddenly found himself in a bedroom, lying on top of a four-poster, staring up at the prince. "What're you doing?" he wondered, trying to sit upright.
"What I want to!" Kyo's smile suddenly faded. "Isn't that why you're here?"
"To grant wishes?"
"To grant my wishes," the prince clarified.
Yuki paled slightly. He hadn't known someone as important as the prince needed to make wishes… But it was Yuki's job to grant them, so…
Prince Kyo kissed the new acquaintance, his lips curving up into a smile. This new man—he was more of a boy, actually—felt tense, but he seemed willing enough.
The prince was halfway done unlacing the dress when Yuki pushed him away slightly, sitting up. "Wait," he mumbled, flushing red. "Shouldn't you know my name?"
The prince considered it for half a second, and then shrugged. "What is it?"
There was a pause, and then Prince Kyo continued unlacing the thing.
Sitting back on his heels, Prince Kyo raised a brow, looking down at him. "Now what?"
"Shouldn't you say something, first?"
The prince considered it again, and then an idea slowly began to form. "Alright," he said, and took Yuki's hand. "Will you marry me?"
Yuki jerked back. "What… what are you talking about? Is that truly your greatest desire?"
And so it was. Yuki, unable to understand the wish completely, agreed to being Prince Kyo's new bride.
Shishou and the Queen were pretty thick, so they assumed that dress girl. Unfortunately, they were wrong, and their hopes for becoming grandparents were shattered.
Prince Kyo got an adorable bride, and no longer wanted to be free of his royal name, which is why this story has finally ended.
Shigure soon found out that Lady Arisa had invaded his home. Thanks to her idiotic sob story, he allowed her to stay on the condition that she gave him permission to write her tale.
Saki never found Shishou. Kagura's right eye became her lover.
A few hours after dying, Tohru went through her revival and proceeded to dispose of Kagura's body in the dirt-filled room called "the outdoors." Then, she attempted to clean the room.
And as for Cinderitsu? Well, that's a completely different story…
Congratulations! You read it all the way to the end! (But why and how you managed if beyond me.)
If you don't understand the 'Let's get some aprons!' thing, go look up 'shoes' on YouTube.